Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  "What deal?" I tried.

  No dice.

  "You know perfectly well what deal. Kegan. The dancing guy. The kissing guy. The--"

  "I got it, thanks," I said, not wanting her to bring up any more of my mistakes. "You know he's an ex-boyfriend, and--"

  "Didn't look that 'ex' to me."

  I dropped the French fry I was holding and glared at her. "What do you want me to say?"

  "I--"

  "Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I screwed up? Okay, fine. I screwed up. It was a big mistake. I messed up our night... and my marriage... and..."

  And just like that, my life-long resolution to never cry at a fast food restaurant went right down the toilet.

  Allyson stared at me, aghast. "Don't cry, it's okay."

  "It's not okay," I snapped through my tears. "It's terrible."

  Allyson passed me a handful of napkins and waited for me to compose myself. It took a few minutes, but I did eventually manage to bring myself back under control.

  "Sorry," I muttered.

  "Why?" Allyson said, sounding genuinely curious. "You've got nothing to apologize to me for."

  "Crying at Dairy Queen..."

  "Big deal. Probably not the first time it's happened. Someone probably wanted a plain Oreo cookie milkshake and got a mint Oreo one, and just started bawling."

  I gave a slight laugh. Encouraged, she went on.

  "And then someone else wanted a banana split without bananas, and the cashier couldn't figure it out, and the guy just cried and cried..."

  "Okay, I get it. I'm not the only pathetic person on the planet."

  "You're not pathetic at all," Allyson said, sobering. "It must be incredibly hard for you. It was like... well, this'll sound dumb, but it was like he was a ... a huge magnet or something and you were a piece of metal. I could almost see you getting drawn into him."

  "Really? He's always made me feel that way."

  Allyson looked at me for a moment. "What about Ian?"

  I propped my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my hands. "I don't know."

  "Are you thinking about going back to Kegan? When were you guys together anyhow?"

  I was surprised at first that she wasn't horrified by the thought of my returning to Kegan, but of course she didn't know Ian, and really didn't know me either. She wasn't as invested in the whole thing.

  "There's just something about Kegan," I said. "I thought I was over him, but then he came back and now I'm not so sure anymore."

  "How old are you?"

  Why was she asking me that? Was she even listening? "Thirty-one."

  "And you've been married how long?"

  "Two years."

  She shook her head. "I'm twenty-eight and I'm so not ready to get married."

  "We just knew it was right and we didn't want to wait just to be older," I said, and felt sadness stab through me at the memory of how utterly in love with Ian I'd been, how certain that we would be together forever.

  Allyson drew her eyebrows together and looked at her hands, moving her fingers as if she were doing a complicated math problem. "And you dated Kegan for how long?"

  "Nearly three years," I said, not sure where she was going.

  "Anybody between the two of them?"

  I pressed my hand to my forehead in pretend agony. "One moderately good one, and several others, all total jerks. Until I met Ian, I didn't think I'd ever find another decent guy."

  Allyson dropped her hands to the table. "So, you've really only been involved with two decent guys, and now they're both here again."

  I stared at her. Why hadn't I seen it like that? "That's why it's so hard for me to choose. They're both good guys. They are."

  "I'm not arguing with you," she said, flashing me that same bright smile that had so annoyed me in the office. It wasn't quite as annoying now.

  "But I have to pick Ian, right? He's my husband."

  She shrugged. "Life is short, you know? If Kegan is back and he's good to you and you want him back, maybe he's what you need."

  Maybe.

  *****

  I had cleaned my car to within an inch of its life the night before to make sure that Lou wouldn't in any way be offended. It was a small car, and Lou wasn't exactly a small man; I didn't want to make things worse by having it messy.

  He settled himself in the front seat and I drove away as smoothly as I could. He talked about the new client, and all our other projects, and I barely listened, concentrating on the road and making sure that I didn't take a wrong turn somewhere.

  We were finally nearly there. One more left turn, then a right turn into the plaza where the restaurant was located, and we could get out of the car. I couldn't wait. Cars flowed steadily past us as we sat in the left turn lane.

  The light turned green for us, and I looked in all directions. The first car on the main road was still moving, flying toward the intersection at full speed. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as the driver raised his hand in an apologetic wave and the car came on into the intersection.

  Came on, and smashed into the side of the car beside me which had moved forward into the intersection.

  The sound of shrieking metal seemed to ring out forever, and then there was silence save for one of the car's horns, blaring incessantly.

  "What was he doing? He ran that red light. Damn near hit us!" Lou's voice was full of fear and anger. I sat frozen, hardly breathing, dizziness shuddering through me. Lou said something, but I didn't hear it. I couldn't hear anything but one name, echoing through my mind.

  Lou caught my arm. "Candice!"

  I turned my head to him as if it were on rusty gears. "I'm fine." I paused, knowing something else was called for. What did I need to say? Oh, yes. "Are you okay?"

  "I'm fine," he said, undoing his seat belt. "We need to stay here, I think. We're witnesses."

  I pulled myself from the car and stood, my hand resting on its mercifully un-crumpled door, staring at the mangled cars in front of me.

  "Candice? Okay, that's it, get over here and sit down."

  "No, Lou, I'm fine. Really. Just... it was just a shock."

  Suddenly knowing, with absolutely no doubt, what I wanted for the rest of my life... it had been a shock. My life hadn't flashed before my eyes or anything like that, but everything had changed. It had all become so clear.

  There was only one man I wanted to call and tell about what had just happened, one man who could give me comfort and help me make my life extraordinary. The knowledge shimmered through me, body and soul, and nothing would change it. Regardless of what other people thought, I knew what I wanted. For the first time in my life, I really knew.

  Now I just had to make it happen.

  Lou called 911, and then called Jim to explain why we'd be late, and I stood on the side of the road and watched as the police cars, fire trucks, and ambulance swooped in. The woman who'd been hit had to be cut out of her twisted car, but she didn't seem too badly hurt. The driver who'd caused it all wasn't hurt at all.

  I longed to go to Kegan, but instead had to wait until the accident was cleared away and the police had time to talk to us. Lou gave our side of the story, and I confirmed it when the police officer asked me, but otherwise I said nothing. I had nothing to say. Not here, anyhow.

  By the time it was all done, we'd been there nearly an hour.

  "Jim has another meeting at three, so we're going to come back another day to see him." Lou smiled at me. "Maybe we'll take a different route."

  "Or you can drive," I said, unlocking the car doors for us.

  "No, I'll let you drive again," Lou said. "If that had been me, I probably would have been in the intersection and been flattened. Good for you for not going. How'd you know?"

  I started the car and drove past the few bits of glass in the intersection that were all that remained of the accident. "I looked over and saw he wasn't stopping."

  Lou shook his head. "I'm so glad you did. You saved our lives."

  *****

>   When we got back to the office, Lou said, "It's early, but go home, Candice. You're still white as a ghost."

  "You know what, I will, if you're sure it's okay."

  He nodded. "Have a nice night and take care of yourself."

  I left, but I didn't go home.

  I parked the car and walked up to Kegan's restaurant on suddenly shaky legs. I still felt the certainty. But what if it didn't feel right any more when I saw him?

  I opened the door and went inside. Kegan was at the far end of the main room in the midst of a group of people. He looked up and saw me. Across the room, our eyes met, and joy spread through me. I was still sure.

  He left the group and came toward me, slowly at first and then faster; I knew he knew I'd decided. I couldn't drag it out.

  I looked into those gorgeous blue eyes and shook my head.

  His stride faltered, and he stopped about ten feet away. He stared at me, dawning awareness and a terrible pain in his eyes. I felt tears rising, but they were rising around the solid security of my decision, and they didn't overwhelm me as they had before.

  I shook my head again, and mouthed, "I'm sorry". Kegan looked at me, then gave me a slow nod. I turned around and walked away.

  To: ianw@buildaid.com

  From: ninjacatrocks@hotmail.com

  Subject: I nearly died today

  Okay, that might be a bit dramatic, but... I was driving Lou to a client meeting and some moron ran the red light. We were in the left turn lane and if I'd started to make the turn I'd have had an SUV embedded in the side of my poor car. Or in me.

  And you know why I didn't go? Because some brilliant man taught me to check every direction before driving into an intersection.

  I love you so much, Ian. It's been so weird having you gone, but I do. I love you so much, and I forgive you for everything about your parents. You were upset, and I knew that. You're right, we can have a fresh start. I can't wait until you get home. It's going to be amazing.

  I love you!

  C.

  Email sent, I fired off a quick text message telling Larissa I'd chosen Ian, then entertained myself for several minutes imagining Ian's return, our joyous meeting at the airport, and the rest of our wonderful lives together. We'd have all I could ask for: passion, love, a relationship that just grew stronger as the years went by, sharing everything...

  Everything.

  Except one thing.

  Ian would never know how close I'd come to leaving him.

  I didn't think I could tell him. If I did, it would only make him doubt me, doubt our relationship, and since I'd made my decision and knew it wouldn't change, there was no point to it. Telling him would hurt him, and I didn't want to do anything to hurt him.

  I closed my eyes, and tried to imagine telling Ian. Sitting down on the couch with him, watching his face change as I told him, seeing the words sink in as he really understood what had happened, what I'd done. Just the thought sent sick shock waves through me. There was no way. I couldn't do it.

  I shook my head to clear it, and began trying to imagine never telling Ian. Hardly anyone knew about it, so he was unlikely to find out. Just Larissa and Tasha, and Allyson, and none of them would tell. And Kegan, of course. But Ian wouldn't believe him over me. So I could keep it a secret. Just never bring it up. Definitely easier on him.

  But would it be easier on me? To walk around, full of a secret like that, never knowing whether today would be the day that he would find out. I didn't know if I could do that either. And what if he did find out one day? Then it would be so much worse, because I'd kept it a secret for so long.

  I felt another sickening jolt as I realized that I didn't know which part of it would be worse for Ian to hear. I'd kissed Kegan, kissed him repeatedly, but only on that one day. I'd spent nearly a week seriously considering leaving Ian, and allowing myself to imagine being with Kegan. Would Ian be more hurt that Kegan had touched my body or that he'd touched my soul?

  My cell phone rang and I felt a flash of relief. Larissa would help me sort it out.

  But it wasn't Larissa.

  I let the phone ring several times. My hand jerked toward it and away and toward it again. Was there any point in answering it? What could I say?

  Finally, my hand jerked toward it again and I answered.

  "Candy, I love you."

  I could hear the emotion and sincerity in his voice, and I knew he meant it. But I could hear something else too, a thinly veiled frustration. Kegan hated to lose, and he'd lost to Ian.

  "I'm not going to change my mind," I said. "I know what I want."

  "I can be anything you want. You know I've changed, Candy, you know."

  I swallowed hard. "I do know."

  "I can be what you need."

  I didn't answer. There was no way to say, "No, because Ian's what I need", and that was the only thing I had to say.

  "What about Friday night? Are you telling me that wasn't real?"

  "It was real," I had to admit. "But it doesn't matter. I'm married, and I'm going to stay that way." And, with any luck, Ian and I could get that fresh start and find our way back to the passion we'd had at the beginning.

  The silence stretched to agonizing lengths before he said, "You're sure."

  "I am."

  He sighed. "Okay. If you change your mind--"

  "I won't." I didn't want to leave him with false hope.

  "If you do, call me. I love you."

  I heard someone call his name in the background.

  "Just a second!" His voice was sharp, nothing like how it sounded when he said to me, "Take care of yourself, Candy."

  "You too," I said, struggling to keep my voice level. I'd never wanted to hurt Kegan.

  "Goodbye," he said, and hung up.

  I closed my phone and let the tears fall. So much crying while Ian had been away. There shouldn't be any more after this, though; I'd made my decision and we were going to be okay.

  My phone rang a few minutes later, and I wiped my eyes, checked the screen, and picked it up right away.

  "Good for you," Larissa said. "You've finally come to your senses. Want to have dinner?"

  *****

  Once we were seated at Setherwood, ironically at the same table that Kegan and I had shared the night before (only the night before? It felt like a lifetime ago), Larissa said, "Tell me everything. I can't understand why you thought he'd changed."

  "Because he has changed."

  Larissa pushed her chair back. "Don't tell me, you've really picked him. You just said Ian to get me here."

  I shook my head. "No, it's Ian. It was always Ian, I just didn't realize." I took a deep breath. I hated confrontation, especially with Larissa, but this had to be done. "But Kegan is different now. I truly believe that. I don't want you to hate him any more."

  "Not up to you," she said, her arms folded across her chest. "I'll always hate him for what he did to you, the mess he left you in."

  I looked into her eyes. "I need you to listen to me. Kegan has changed. Yes, he hurt me before. He's different now. I need you to hear me."

  Holding her gaze, as her face showed her lack of belief, and disappointment in me for my belief, was the hardest thing I'd ever done in our friendship. I didn't look away, though; I owed Kegan at least this much. Owed myself too. I knew I was right.

  At last, she pulled herself closer to the table and said, "I can believe that you believe he's changed. I haven't seen any of the proof, so I can't believe it myself. Not yet, anyhow. Is that good enough?"

  I nodded. "I'll take it. So, here's what happened..."

  And I told her everything. As I talked, I realized how often I'd censored myself in our past conversations, not just about Kegan but about everything, leaving out details that I knew she wouldn't like, trying to show myself in a better light.

  This time, though, I gave her the truth. How scared I'd been about my test results, how Kegan had comforted me, what our trip to Wonderland had been like.

  "I can't
believe you didn't tell me you went there with him," she said. "I thought we told each other everything."

  "I thought so too. It just all seemed to happen so fast, and I didn't know how to say it. And I knew--" I cut myself off, but she finished the sentence for me.

  "You knew I wouldn't listen."

  The tears in her eyes shocked me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen Larissa sad enough to cry. I felt my own eyes fill yet again.

  "I should have been there for you, not calling you names. I drove you to him." She looked down and a tear splashed onto the back of her right hand. Her ringless right hand.

  "You didn't drive me to him. I wanted to go. That part was stupid, you were right. Larissa, where's your ring?"

  "Greg and I broke up," she said, not looking up at me.

  "Oh, no," I said, totally inadequately.

  "Yeah." She raised her head then, her mouth in a twisted smile. "Last week. He was cheating on me."

  Shock and outrage shot through me. "Are you sure?"

  "I saw him kissing her."

  "Why didn't you tell m-- Oh. Right."

  "Yeah. I couldn't really tell you when you were..."

  "When I was doing the same thing with Kegan," I said, then dropped my head into my hands. "And you must have been even angrier with me."

  She grabbed a bit of my hair and pulled gently. I lifted my head and looked at her. "Honestly? I was, at first. But I know you. If you were considering going back to... well, you weren't just going for a fling. You were serious. I ended up more worried about you than anything else."

  "I'm okay," I said, and felt the truth of it fill me. I really was. "But what about you?"

  "I'll be fine," she said. "It sucks, but I'll survive. I might not, though, if you don't tell me what happened."

  We smiled at each other and I went on, explaining how it had built and how we'd become closer and closer until we'd met up at Light. I got stuck then; Larissa and I had never discussed our sex lives in great and gory detail, and I didn't have words for how Kegan's kisses had made me feel. I settled for, "We kissed. A lot. Then we went to his place."