Carnival

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  As they waved their hands around, it became clear that they were talking in sign language.

  I’d read online that Daniel was deaf and only the second deaf man to play in the NFL. But it hadn’t occurred to me that Zef would know sign language. Another Zef-shaped mystery for me to uncover.

  I wondered if I’d ever get to know everything about him. I hoped so, but the man had so many layers, and I remembered what my Grandma used to say about still waters running deep . . .

  Zef

  Dan pulled me into a hug and did his best to break a rib.

  When he stepped back there were deep emotions in his eyes.

  “I thought I wasn’t seeing you until tomorrow,” I said, slapping him on the back, “but it’s a great surprise, little brother.”

  Dan grinned.

  “Yeah, thought I’d surprise you. Lisanne was tired so she’s taking a nap at the hotel. She says hi and she’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Dan: Is K-e-s around? I was going to tell you all that your show was fucking epic! You’ve got some great new stunts. I nearly shit myself when you did that jump through the wall of flame. Is your ACL okay now?

  Zef: Yes, good as new. I was going to tell you tomorrow, but now you’re here, there’s someone I want you to meet.

  Dan: What the fuck? Seriously? Get to the good stuff already! You want me to meet someone? Who’s the lucky lady? Is M-i-r-e-l-l-e back in town?

  Zef: No. We broke up.

  Dan: Sorry, brother. Why didn’t you tell me?

  Zef: It wasn’t a big deal. And the woman I’m talking about is S-a-r-a. She’s special. It’s new.

  Dan: Okay. Do I get to meet her, or do you keep her busy in the bedroom?

  Zef: Dickhead.

  Dan: You’re welcome. So, I got some news, too. Me and L-i-s have decided to make it official. We’re getting married.

  My hands dropped to my sides and I was so stunned, I started speaking again.

  “You’re getting hitched? Wow, that’s . . . congratulations, man! Jeez, my little brother, all grown up and about to become a married man. Fuck, that sounds . . . I’m really happy for you, man. You and Lisanne are good together. Although I have no idea how she puts up with your obnoxious ass.”

  “My ass has its own Facebook page.”

  That was true. My younger brother was a handsome bastard and had even been approached to do some modeling. Since he’d done a Calvin Klein underwear ad, I had to close my eyes every time I saw his package blown up on the side of a ten-story building. These days, he was as well known for that as for his skill on the field, or the fact that he was the only the second deaf man to make it to the NFL. Pretty damn amazing.

  “We’ve set the date for September 8th and you’ve got to be there. All of you have to be there.”

  My eyebrows shot upward.

  “That’s next week?! At the beginning of the season! Your coach is going to let you take the time off?”

  “Yeah, a whole two days,” and he rolled his eyes. “It’s the only way to keep it low key. Fuckin’ paps.”

  I had to smile at that—my little brother was becoming a favorite of the photographers who followed the celebrities, even though there was no scandal to find. I guess they liked the fact that he was engaged to an up-and-coming rock ‘n’ roll chick. Good thing he hadn’t been famous when he’d met Lisanne six years ago because she’d looked more like your idea of the average librarian in those days.

  “And I want you to be my Best Man.”

  My smile fell and I looked away for a second.

  “Look, I appreciate that, Dan, more than you know, but it’s not a good idea.

  “Why the hell not?”

  “Someone like you needs . . .”

  “Someone like me? What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Someone famous. Someone who shouldn’t have a guy like me for a brother or a Best Man.”

  “You’re talking in fucking riddles! A guy like you—you’re my damn brother!”

  I raised my hands in frustration.

  “Because I’m an ex-con, an addict who can’t even risk taking a freakin’ aspirin. I’m not anyone’s idea of a Best Man.”

  Daniel’s eyebrows drew together and his body filled with tension. He was angry.

  “Bullshit! That’s such fucking bullshit, Zef! You drove more than 300 miles through the night so you could be the one to tell me that Mom and Dad had gotten into a car accident and been killed. You took on a screwed up sixteen year-old kid. Most guys would have stuck my ass in a foster home, but you didn’t. You took care of me.”

  “Yeah, I did a great job,” I mocked. “I spent your college fund on booze, chicks and drugs. Got you arrested. Got the house trashed. Risked your life. Yeah, I was a great big brother.”

  “Is that what you think? You were 22 and had to give up your whole life. You gave up on your degree so you could earn a living for both of us. I know you helped pay for the deaf school. You never got to grieve because you had to take care of me. And when I first started to lose my hearing, you stood by me. You even learned sign language to help me.”

  I nodded and smiled a little.

  “Only because Mom was so shit at it.”

  Daniel grinned.

  “Yeah. She never did get half the letters right, always mixing them up.” His smile fell. “You didn’t. You worked at it. You remember it even now. Zef, you’re my brother and I love you. I want you to stand up with me. There’s no one else I’d rather have.”

  My chest felt tight.

  “If that’s how you feel . . .”

  “It is.”

  “And Lisanne is okay with it?”

  “She told me not to come back until you agreed.”

  I shook my head, smiling.

  “Then yeah, I’d be honored to stand up with you, Dan.”

  I held out my hand and Dan shook it then hugged me tightly again.

  Family. Nothing mattered like family. Either the one you’re born with, or the ones you make.

  “Well, I guess you’d better meet Sara then, because she’ll be coming with me.”

  Dan’s face split with a grin.

  “Lead me to her. I’m always ready to meet a pretty girl.”

  “Don’t let Lisanne hear you say that.”

  “Ah, she loves me. And I love it when she tries to educate my ass.”

  “Lifetime task, little brother.”

  “Yeah, definitely. A lifetime.”

  Happiness radiated from him, and I could see the deep contentment inside.

  Life had given him a shitty hand, but he’d pushed forward, never looking back. I was proud of him.

  Sara

  Daniel didn’t like me.

  I was so excited to meet Zef’s famous little brother, but the moment he set his eyes on me, I could see the dislike hidden behind his polite smile.

  Either Zef didn’t notice or was ignoring it, and that was upsetting.

  I knew that it wasn’t anything that I’d said, because I hadn’t gotten much further than ‘hello’. So it must be the fact that I was obviously pregnant.

  I could see it from his point of view. Some knocked up chick had her claws into his brother, even though another guy was the father. I knew how it looked. I knew.

  Tears pricked my eyes as Zef stood next to me holding my hand. Family was so important to him. He had his carnie family, but Daniel was his flesh and blood. I couldn’t compete with that. So I stood by his side, trying to smile when I felt like falling apart inside.

  I saw Daniel’s eyes widen as Zef pulled me closer and reached down absentmindedly to stroke my stomach. I was hoping that Daniel wouldn’t say anything, but he did.

  “Something you want to tell me, big brother? Am I getting three for the price of two at my wedding?”

  Zef gave an easy laugh.

  “Nah, you’re good. Sara’s baby isn’t due until January.”

  He said it so easily, so proudly: Sara’s baby.

 
; At that moment, with Zef holding my hand, I felt incredibly alone.

  “You know what, I’m really tired,” I said, forcing a smile. “I’ll just let you guys catch up a while.”

  Zef was immediately concerned.

  “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

  “No, I’m fine. Really. It’s just been a long day. Visit with your brother. Just . . . don’t worry about our date—we can do it another time.”

  Zef’s eyes lit up, and I felt guilty and pleased that he was so happy to think about taking me on a date. I’d felt awkward saying it in front of his brother whose disapproving looks had left me feeling queasy.

  Was I such a bad person to want Zef even though another man had fathered my child? Was I so awful?

  I walked back to the RV trying not to cry.

  Zef

  Daniel gave me a tight smile as I watched Sara walk away.

  “So, I’m guessing you’re not the father since you said this was new.”

  It wasn’t a question.

  “No.”

  “Isn’t that a problem for you?”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Nope. The father isn’t around.”

  “I see that. She moved on pretty fast.”

  I felt my temper start to ignite.

  “You don’t know anything about her, Dan. Tread carefully.”

  Dan looked surprised and angry, and for a moment I thought we were going to have a problem, but then he shrugged and gave an easy smile that didn’t meet his eyes.

  “Whatever floats your boat, brother.”

  I decided that he just needed some time to get to know Sara. It didn’t help that she’d caught his vibes and hightailed it back to the RV. But I’d have some time to talk about it with Sara tomorrow.

  We stood in front of the massive bonfire that we’d built earlier this morning. Kes ignored all the health and safety bullshit as Zach looked on, shaking his head. But then Zach grinned in defeat and started helping.

  When Kes had set it alight, breathing fire from a massive torch, the bonfire was over six feet high. It was burning brightly, red and yellow flames licking at the dark sky.

  Ollo came and sat down between me and Dan and passed on his congratulations.

  “You’re invited, Ollo,” Dan said easily, turning to read his lips. “I gotta count on you to make sure Zef buys us a decent wedding gift.”

  Ollo gave a lopsided grin and shook his face.

  “Nah, thanks all the same. I’ll stay here with Bo. Someone’s gotta look after the place. Bunch of grifters, carnies.”

  Dan glanced at him in surprise, then turned to me, but I gave him a look and shook my head.

  He caught the hint, but wasn’t backing down.

  “Ollo, dude. You think I don’t know, that I don’t get it? You think there are times when I know that I’ve missed the joke or realize that someone’s been razzing on me or making me the butt of a joke? I know what it’s like.”

  Ollo nodded slowly.

  “Sure, and I appreciate it. But you can pass.”

  We both looked down. Dan had a disability and it had changed his life, but he could pass for what people called normal. Ollo couldn’t.

  It was an old argument, so we let it alone.

  Dan went back to his hotel where the rest of the team was staying and I headed for Sara’s room.

  I hadn’t been invited, but I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to talk to her. I knocked on her door lightly and opened it.

  I could tell that she wasn’t asleep although I think she’d have liked me to believe it. She was resting on her side, her arms cradling her stomach.

  “How you doin’, baby mama?”

  She shrugged one, narrow shoulder.

  “Today kinda sucked.”

  I sat on the bed next to her, close but not touching.

  I stroked her shoulder, enjoying being able to reach out and touch her at last, relishing the feel of tan, satiny skin as I brushed my work-roughened fingers along her arm.

  “I’ve been hanging with Madam Sylva,” I said quietly. “So I’m bettin’ I can read your mind and guess your answer to my next question.”

  She gave a quiet giggle.

  “Read away! I’m so tired, my mind is a blank page right now.”

  I carried on stroking her skin, watching tiny shivers send goosebumps across her arm.

  “You seemed upset earlier at the bonfire, but I’m guessing that when I ask you how you really are, you’ll say that you’re fine. Am I right?”

  She sucked in a sharp breath.

  “That . . . that’s cheating!”

  “What’s wrong, Sara?”

  There was a long pause, and next door I could hear Kes and Aimee’s murmured voices as they settled in for the night. Tucker always stayed at Tera’s when were in Pomona.

  “I don’t think your brother likes me,” she said at last, her voice soft as air.

  “He doesn’t know you.”

  “No, that’s what I mean. He just looked at Peanut and decided that I was . . . I was . . .”

  “Ssh, he doesn’t think that.”

  She huffed out an unhappy laugh.

  “I’m pretty sure he does.”

  I sighed, knowing that she was right.

  “He’ll get over it.”

  “Will he? Because I’m not so sure. He just sees a skank who got knocked up and has gotten her claws into his big brother!”

  Her body was full of tension, so I crawled alongside her on the bed and pulled her into my arms.

  “He’s looking out for me,” I whispered into her hair. “That’s all. When he sees how amazing you are, he’ll change his mind. Or maybe I’ll kick his ass. Whichever comes first.”

  She was silent for a few more seconds.

  “He’s your family. He’s important.”

  “Yeah, and you’re my family, too. You and Peanut.”

  She gave a little hiccupping sob, but she didn’t cry.

  We fell asleep in each other’s arms, and it was good.

  I woke up once to find that Bo had climbed into bed with us and was curled up between us on the pillow.

  When I opened my eyes the next day, I felt more rested than I had for weeks.

  We were both fully dressed and enjoyed a few precious moments of holding each other before the day began.

  “I owe you a date,” I said, gently pushing her hair out of her eyes.

  “A VIP box at a big football game qualifies,” she smiled.

  “I had something a little more private in mind.”

  She blushed and looked down.

  “I didn’t mean . . .”

  She shook her head quickly.

  “I want to, Zef, but . . .”

  I kissed her forehead and reluctantly rolled out of bed.

  “When you’re ready, baby mama.”

  We’d canceled our Thursday evening show so we could drive the twenty-something miles to the stadium at Hollywood Park where Dan was playing in his pre-season game against the Los Angeles Chargers.

  Since we couldn’t all squeeze in Zach’s truck, I decided to do it big and arranged for a limo service to take us. Not that Ollo was coming, of course.

  “Wowee!” laughed Tucker. “Who are you tryin’ to impress, or is that a dumb question, Zef?”

  “All your questions are dumb,” I answered evenly.

  “You walked right into that, mothertucker,” Kes said comfortably.

  “They’re mean ‘cause I’m so damn funny,” Tucker whined, looking to Tera for support.

  She patted his arm. “Darling, you keep telling yourself that.”

  Zach laughed loudly and Luke just grinned.

  There was a bar in the back of the limo and I’d ordered a bottle of champagne to be put on ice, and various sodas for the pregnant and abstainers.

  Tucker had one glass of champagne and Tera had about three, which made her pretty damn funny; Luke and Zach shared the rest. Kes never drank alcohol, and I was keeping dry, but Sara w
as eyeing the champagne longingly.

  “Just a sip?” she pleaded.

  “Nope, not even a sip,” I said, passing her a 7 Up. “Alcohol crosses from your bloodstream through the placenta directly into Peanut’s blood.”

  Seven sets of eyes turned to stare at me, and even the driver was pretending not to watch through his rearview mirror.

  “What? I read it online,” I said defensively. “Anyway, she’s not old enough to drink.”

  Tucker shook his head, grinning, and pulled Tera closer.

  Kes just looked annoyed. “You’re making me look bad,” he hissed, flicking the side of my head.

  Sara held my hand tightly and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  I nodded and looked out of the window. Why everyone was making such a big deal about it, I had no freakin’ clue.

  As we arrived at the stadium, streams of people were heading toward the long lines waiting to enter, and the vast parking lots glittered with thousands of cars parked in rows.

  Dan had arranged for us to use the VIP entrance, so we had no trouble getting in.

  We were led up through the long tunnels to a luxury suite overlooking the jewel green field and the best seats in the house.

  As well as a bar, there were wait staff wearing white shirts and bow ties to ready to get us anything we needed.

  There were family members from other players, as well, and I knew a couple of them. I felt a little edgy around people from Georgia. Although Dan and I were from Savannah, I’d done a few drug deals in Atlanta back in the day, and I always aware that I could run into a former client, which would be awkward in so many ways. I told myself that I looked a lot different since I’d grown the beard, but still, I searched faces for any flicker of recognition.

  When I found none—other than football connections—I relaxed.

  I thought Sara might feel overwhelmed, but she shone with happiness, bouncing around the room and talking to everyone as if she was on a sugar rush. But she wasn’t—it was all her.

  It was good to see her so light.

  Lisanne was there looking far more indie chick then when I’d first met her. She’d dyed her mousy brown hair in red and blonde streaks, and was rocking leather pants and a Number Two shirt with ‘Colton’ on it.