Divided

by Kimberly Montague

  "I always tell you what I'm thinking, you know that," he began. "But first I want to say that if you decide not to come see me again, I'll understand. Please though, don't shut out the question I'm about to ask. Think about it, ask Sonya and Gary what they think about it, and take it all in. Write about it in that journal. Can you promise me that?"

  I stared at him, knowing his question would be bad. I wanted to just clap my hands to my ears and ignore him, but I respected him too much for that. Slowly and reluctantly, I nodded.

  His voice was clear, but slightly hesitant. "Do you think it might be time to let Dev go and really start living your life without him?"

  It took me a full minute to take in the question before my mouth spit out the only answer that would ever work for me. "Never." I stood up and gave him a small smile. "I'll keep writing in my journal. Goodbye, Dr. Avery."

  He nodded once and closed his eyes before I turned away from him. In all the time I had been his patient, he'd never once suggested I stop hoping for Dev to come back. He encouraged me to accept the reality that he might not, but he said hope was a powerful emotion in short supply. He said I should hold onto it with both hands and not let go. I liked that thought. So why the sudden change? Was I really in that bad of condition that he would suggest something he knew would make me walk away from him?

  I sat in the waiting room as Dr. Avery spoke with Evelyn. I'd always given free reign for him to discuss anything with Evelyn and Gabriel—I didn't have any secrets from them. In this case, however, I was worried that he would tell her to continue encouraging me to forget about Dev. Not that it mattered; I'd never give up on Dev.

  The ride home was very quiet and tense. I wasn't in the mood to say anything, but Evelyn kept glancing over at me like I might deteriorate right there in front of her eyes. Just because I was having a tough time dealing with everything didn't mean I was going to lose it again and stop eating. I knew no amount of words would ease her fears, though, so I just had to put her glances out of my head.

  Belated Halloween Present

  After my visit to Dr. Avery, I felt like I'd taken five steps back in everyone's eyes. The furtive glances my way started up again, and the deafening silence when I walked into a room with more than one person in it made a reappearance. But I was really tired. I didn't feel like throwing myself into a hundred things. It hadn't helped before, so I really didn't see how it would suddenly cure me of missing Dev and Harm and the constant debilitating worry I felt for what might be happening to them.

  I took a couple days off of school to "sleep," but what I was really doing was staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out a plan to get myself under control. I flat-out knew my worrying wouldn't help anyone. Harm would lecture me about it if he knew I was letting it get the better of me, but I just felt so far from Dev and Harm that it consumed me.

  On day three of I-just-need-to rest, Sonya stayed home from school with me, and before I could say no, she'd pulled Gary into it as well. She tried to pull me out of bed several times, but was unsuccessful until Gary got there and simply picked me up in his arms.

  "Snap out of it," he commanded like it was a switch to flip.

  What did they want from me? I ate three solid meals a day, I responded when spoken to, and I brushed my teeth and showered every day. I was functioning better than before.

  "At least talk to us, Evie," Sonya pleaded.

  Gary set me down in the chair at my small desk. "I heard what that quack said to you, and it's bullshit, Evie. He's one of my best friends. I haven't given up on him, why the hell should you?"

  I looked up at him with surprise. "You agree with me?" I really hadn't expected anyone to be on my side.

  His thick dark blond eyebrows shot together, and his nostrils flared just slightly. "You thought I would tell you to forget about him? That pisses me off, Evie." His shoved his hand out in Sonya's direction. "And Sonya too? Did you think that about her?"

  I stared down at my hands, feeling a little ashamed. Well, it felt like everyone else had turned on me, why not them? But I was wrong. They'd always been there for me. "It just felt like everyone was so quiet around me—like they didn't know what to say to the delusional girl who thinks her boyfriend might come back someday."

  "Evie," Sonya breathed out on a long sigh as she sat heavily on my bed. "It's not like he broke up with you. It's not like he chose to leave. Why would I encourage you to move on? But you're right; we're all quiet because we don't know what to say to you. Mom and Dad are afraid to keep your hopes up, and they're really pissed that they have no way to get any information for you. Dad's tried. He's called Red Cross hundreds of times. We all want to give you good news, and we're quiet because we can't. It doesn't mean we think you should give up. In fact, Mom told Dr. Avery he was an asshole and that she'd be posting as many negative reviews of him online as she could."

  I laughed a little at that. Evelyn was all over the bad-review-threats, and she always made good on them. Sonya stood up and wrapped her arms around me. When Gary squeezed the life out of both of us, I closed my eyes. I felt so tired and emotionally drained but a little better.

  Gary stood up abruptly. "Get dressed. We have a surprise for you today."

  I wrinkled my nose. "A surprise?" I didn't like surprises, but I got up anyway and headed for the shower.

  "You'll like this one, Evie," Sonya called out before I shut the door.

  A half hour later, we were in Gary's truck heading for my surprise. I recognized where we were going, though. "Is the surprise at your house?" I asked Gary.

  Gary smiled at Sonya who sat between us. "Close." Sonya nodded at him, and he continued. "I thought it might help for you to talk to a couple people who feel like you do—you know, who refuse to give up hope of Dev coming back."

  The puzzle pieces locked slowly together, and I shook my head. "They won't wanna see me, Gary. His parents must hate me."

  "What?" Gary laughed. "You really are nuts. Why would they hate you?"

  "If Dev had never fallen in love with me, none of this would have happened. The infection in Bishop, Jay, all those deaths, Dev being infected and taken away—it's all my fault."

  Sonya grabbed my hand and turned to me. "Have you been blaming yourself all this time?"

  I hated the pity in her voice. I didn't deserve it.

  She continued in her low, poor-baby tone. "None of this is your fault. Hey, look at me. You didn't make them go in that cave, and you didn't put the infection in there with them. You didn't do this, Evie."

  I stared angrily out the window. They wouldn't have been in that cave if I'd just stayed with Jay. All this happened because I couldn't be happy with what Jay and I had. And the worst part, the part that made a really awful person, was that I couldn't bring myself to regret any of it. I couldn't make myself regret everything that had happened because it gave me a few moments with Dev.

  "No one blames you, but yourself," Gary said bluntly. "His parents sure as hell don't blame you. They ask about you all the time, but you'll see that in a few minutes."

  I continued to stare out the window. My stomach did somersaults in Guiness World Record numbers. Gary smoothly thumbed through his phone to find one of my favorite songs and turned it on.

  Before long, we were driving down a long dirt road separated from the open field on either side by a white two-beam fence. I tried to remember details from my last and only visit to Dev's house, but I had been so out of it from Jay's attack that nothing seemed to stick with me. I expected to pull up to Dev's house shortly, but we just kept following the white fence on and on. To the left, a couple horses ran toward the fences, galloping alongside Gary's truck.

  Gary reached over and nudged my knee, nodding toward the fence. "Dev's horses know my truck. We're almost there."

  When Dev's house came into view, I remembered the warm green of the siding and how it complemented the round logs forming the sides of the home. Beyond the beauty of the actual building, my eyes were drawn to little things. I
didn't remember the two metal dog sculptures. They were adorable and made from materials you would find on a ranch like shovels, rakes, and parts that might have been from a tractor. Large pots were painted with different designs and contained bright flowers. There were two large trees in the front with thick trunks. One tree had a face on it, nailed into the trunk, and the other had a large tire swing hanging from an upper branch. The whole place looked so well-loved.

  When Gary turned off the engine, he and Sonya stared at me.

  "You look a little better," Sonya commented.

  I stared at the house, feeling a little brighter. "It's just so—I don't know." I looked toward the front door where I could now see some sort of sports car painted on the large pot and above that, the name "Devlin." "It sounds stupid, but it feels like him, doesn't it?"

  Gary looked around and shrugged, but then smiled indulgently at me. "You're ridiculous."

  We got out of the truck and Gary put his arm around my shoulders, guiding me in the direction of the front door. We got about ten feet from the door when it was thrown open by Dev's mom.

  "I'm so glad you came." She rushed forward and hugged me. She smelled like vanilla and warmth. There was no hesitation in her hug. She wrapped her arms around me as if I was her own child. In my ear, she whispered, "It's so good to have you here, Evie. You bring a piece of him with you, you know that?"

  Tears sprang to my eyes, surprising me since I'd banished all tears from my life months ago.

  "Elizabeth." Gary stepped forward and put his hand on her arm. "I'm smelling that chicken I love so much. Tell me you made my favorite."

  She chuckled lightly as she took my hand and pulled me toward the door. "I swear you and Dev share the same stomach. It's his favorite, too. I didn't know what Evie's favorites were so I just made all of Dev's. Sonya, sweetie," she called behind me. "You still managing okay with this one?"

  "He's a handful, Elizabeth." Sonya laughed genuinely. "But I got him under control."

  Gary and Sonya argued behind us about what "under control" meant, but I wasn't paying much attention. I was trying my best to take in absolutely everything about Dev's house and imagine him in every inch of it. The smell of roast chicken had my mouth watering. It hung in the air like turkey on Thanksgiving Day, making me feel all the more at home.

  Elizabeth patted my hand. "How about a tour? I don't think Dev showed you around the last time you were all here."

  I nodded at that, and she led the way through the spacious, high-ceilinged living room that opened into the kitchen and dining room. She paused at the mantle, pointing out at least twenty pictures of Dev and his parents, friends, and other family members. Something buzzed in the kitchen, and she ran off to check on it.

  Seeing Dev at various stages in his life made the tears come back with a vengeance. He was adorable as a kid and looked just as goofy and stubborn. When I reached a much more recent picture of him on a horse, I picked it up, my hands shaking and pressed my fingers to the glass.

  "That's Chopper, his horse," Gary explained. "I'll introduce you two later." He put his arm around me. "You okay?"

  I nodded and a few tears fell down my cheeks. Batting them away, I sucked in a deep breath and put the picture back. "I don't have any pictures of him. I haven't seen his face in seven months."

  "Seriously?" He looked so sad for me. "I've got hundreds I can give you. And he has a bunch of you two together."

  I shook my head. "What?" How could that be? We'd never taken pictures together, not even at the Homecoming dance.

  Gary smirked like he always did when he knew he had big information to share. "He bribed the yearbook staff with donuts to give him copies of all the pictures they had of you. They were doing a thing on you about being the new girl. They took a ton of pictures of you both together those last few days before all hell broke loose. He got his hands on several before the dance."

  I just stared at him. I had no idea. "How long had he been bribing them?" I couldn't quite believe it.

  "Uh—he was hiding that from me, but I've been in his room. I found a couple just a few weeks after school started."

  "That—that can't be?" We barely knew each other at that point.

  He focused on the pictures on the mantle, and I could hear how much he missed Dev. "Vaughn's a pain in the ass sometimes. He gets his mind on something, and you just don't stop him. He's always been like that—never about girls before, but you're no ordinary girl." The pride in his voice made me smile.

  "Sorry about that," Elizabeth called out as she came back over to us. "Let's continue."

  Up a wide wooden staircase, she showed us a small guest bedroom, the large master suite, and finally, a bedroom that made the tears demand time in the spotlight on my cheeks.

  Dev's room wasn't quite what I'd expected. I thought it would be incredibly male and filled with girlie pictures or sports posters. Instead, it was sweet. He had a black wooden bunk bed with a twin mattress on top and a larger mattress on the bottom. He had a matching black desk with his binder on top, and he had pictures in frames all over one wall. I stepped forward and my breath caught in the back of my throat. Staring back at me were six pictures of me in frames. In addition to the pictures of me, there were several with his family, two with his brother, and one with Dev embracing the horse I'd seen in the picture downstairs.

  Dev's mom excused herself, saying she had to check on dinner again, but by the almost sad smile on her face, I could tell she was just giving me some time to take it all in. I was thankful for it.

  The burning pit in my stomach increased, and I was drowning again in my desire to be close to him. Walking over, I sat on his bed. Everything around me smelled like him. I don't know if it was his cologne or just the smell of being around Dev's things, but I had to close my eyes to calm myself down.

  Gary and Sonya stepped out onto the balcony through double French doors on one wall. I took the opportunity to try to gather myself together. Lying down on Dev's bed, I breathed deeply from his pillow. I wanted him there with me so badly. I didn't want to be weepy, though. I didn't want to be the girl that falls apart when the guy breaks up with her. And Dev didn't even break up with me. He wanted me. We just had to wait a little longer to be together. Forget Dr. Avery. I had to have faith that Dev hadn't been put into my life just to be taken away so quickly.

  I stood back up and walked to the bookcase built into the wall across from his bed. Sports-related trophies cluttered the bottom shelves along with yearbooks, but the top two shelves had smaller items on them. On the left shelf, there were several pieces of sports memorabilia, some were even signed. On the right shelf, there was a picture frame, an ordinary-looking baseball, a couple Matchbox cars, and a brand new toothbrush I wondered about. Behind those things sat the tickets from the Homecoming Dance, his crown, a few folded pieces of paper, and several pictures.

  Snoopy or not, I couldn't resist the temptation to find out what was on the papers. As I pulled them down and opened them up, I had to smile. They were his rough draft from the Shakespeare essay I typed for him. The words were unchanged from the last time I had seen them, but the pages were far more worn.

  Dev's dad's presence in the doorway made me flinch a little, especially since I'd been snooping through Dev's things.

  "He'd kill me for telling you this." Brian leaned against the doorframe. "But he used to smell those. He said your perfume or something was on them. I gave him hell for it." He chuckled and while Dev's voice was smoother, the notes were so similar it gave me goose bumps at the reminder.

  I shook my head, a true smile grinning out from my heart. "Lotion. They probably smelled like my lotion."

  I put the papers back and stared at a framed picture on the same shelf. It was Dev, and I was guessing, his brother. Darren didn't look anything like I'd imagined aside from being thin and looking a little sickly. He had gray eyes instead of blue, his hair was much lighter than Dev's, and he had Elizabeth's smile. Dev looked the same but younger and goofier. They we
re laughing and Dev was trying to put bunny ears behind Darren's head while Darren was grabbing at Dev's arms to try to stop him. Dev was obviously not the broad football player that he'd grown up to be, but he was still tall and strong looking. His eyes sparkled with happiness. The picture was in a wooden frame with the words "Best Big Brother" hand-written on the top and painted yellow. "Is this—Darren?" I wasn't completely sure if I'd remembered his brother's name right.

  He looked taken aback for a moment then shook his head. "I don't know why it surprises me that he talked about Darren with you. Obviously, you're very special to him. He doesn't talk about Darren with anyone, not even me, but he keeps that picture on the same shelf with the things that relate to you."

  I picked up the loose pictures that sat next to the frame. The first one my eyes fell on was of the two of us sitting on a bench smiling at each other. I remembered the day it was taken—when Jay had started spreading rumors about me. The next one was amazing, and tears came to my eyes again, spilling down my smiling cheeks. It was from the gym the day that I'd pushed Nicole off Dev and kissed him for everyone to see. I was sitting on the floor with my Calculus book in my lap looking up into Dev's eyes as he stared lovingly at me. The intense expression on his face made my heart pump so quickly and so painfully.

  "I miss him so much." I hadn't meant to say it out loud or to sound so pathetically mournful, but it just came out.

  "I know what you two had was so different for him. Dev's my son, but he's always been sort of my best friend. He talked about you nonstop. I'd never heard him so taken with a girl before and so torn up about it. When you two finally got together, he was so happy. I can't imagine what he's feeling being away from you—from all of us."

  I flipped through the other pictures. There were several more of us in the gym, and one of us walking to class hand-in-hand.

  Gary came back in and put his arm around me. "Can I borrow these, Brian? She doesn't have any pictures of him or of the two of them together."