Divided

by Kimberly Montague

  Brian pulled away from the doorway and nodded as he stepped out into the hallway. "Borrow whatever you'd like. I'm quite certain he'd outright give you anything you wanted of his. Gary, bring her out to the barn when she's ready."

  Gary grinned. "Yeah, I'm dying to see Chopper's reaction."

  Brian's chuckle gave me goose bumps again. "Me too."

  "You look a little overwhelmed," Sonya said.

  I was. I hadn't been around Dev in seven months. In that time, as silly as it may sound, I didn't have anything concrete to prove he was real at all. Being in his room with pictures of us in my hands was seriously overwhelming, but in a good way. I pressed the pictures to my chest and looked back at the items on the shelf. "I wonder what the baseball is from."

  Gary pulled out the chair at Dev's desk and threw his legs out in front of him. "If you tell him I told you any of this, I will disown you as my best friend."

  I felt a little giddy at that warning. It meant this would be a good story—something I could smile about. Maybe it was a childhood story that would make me feel closer to Dev. "I promise."

  "Does the baseball look familiar?" he asked with his eyebrow arched high on his forehead.

  I looked back at it, but it looked like an ordinary baseball. "Should it?"

  "Well, the way he tells it, your eyes were on him more than the baseball, so I'm not surprised you don't recognize it."

  I threw my hand to my face and felt the heat rising to my cheeks.

  Gary laughed loudly. "I told him he was full of shit so many times, and it's true? I can't believe this. You were really all over him that day he tried to teach you to pitch? But you barely knew him at that point."

  I grimaced, and Sonya put her arm around me, sheltering me. "Leave the poor girl alone. She was in love with him from the second she nearly plowed the boy over in Leadership."

  "I was trying to piss Nicole off," I defended to Gary.

  "Sure you were," Gary teased.

  How embarrassing and incredible. He kept the baseball. I couldn't believe it, and it made me smile so wide my cheeks hurt.

  "Oh, crap!" Gary jumped up. "I can't believe I forgot about it. I could've given you this months ago." He walked to the black door next to the bookshelf and opened it, revealing a closet. Kneeling on the floor, he shifted some things around before pulling out something dark. "I gave him so much shit for this. Here, he got you a Halloween present."

  I laughed. "A what?" I hadn't been given something for Halloween since my mom had been alive. She loved Halloween.

  "Yeah, that's what I said," Gary explained. He held the thing out to me and turned to Sonya. "I told him you don't buy chicks gifts for dumb reasons."

  She kissed him, so I was pretty sure there was more to that than I needed to know. I tentatively took the item, and started smiling like an idiot when I turned it around. It was the most adorable stuffed German Shepherd dog with a football helmet on. The jersey he wore had the number 21 on it—Dev's number.

  I hugged him to me. "Where did he find something so specific?"

  Gary turned back to me. "You can find anything online, Evie. He spent a lot of time on the computer when he was sick." He put his hand out to me. "Come on, let's go meet Chopper."

  I glanced back at Sonya as he pulled me toward the French doors. Her smile seemed so "Evelyn." It was full of warmth and a little relief as I hugged my Halloween present closer to me.

  Chopper

  Gary led me outside to the large barn. It was only slightly cool outside, so I can't say the comfort level had anything to do with temperature, but the inside of the barn oozed warmth and coziness. It was much larger than I remembered from our last very brief trip to Dev's, but other than the size, it felt very familiar. When Dev was with me the last time I'd entered the building, I could tell how much it meant to him just by the way his smile lit up.

  Brian looked annoyed as we walked up. He stared at my Halloween present. "Now where did you find that? I've been looking for that since it came in the mail."

  Gary slapped him on the back. "And that's exactly why he hid it from you."

  That didn't make any sense to me. "Why was he—"

  Brian looked a little sheepish as he kicked at the dirt. "I teased him about it a little."

  "A little?" Gary laughed and put his arm around Sonya's shoulders. "He told Vaughn he was gonna give it to the football coach and have him show the team what a tough guy their captain was."

  Brian folded his arms across his chest. "I wasn't really gonna do that." Gary continued to raise his skeptical eyebrow, and Brian made a face at him before turning back to me. "I wanted to find it and give it to you when they—when he went away, but I couldn't find the box anywhere."

  "He took it out of the box and shoved it behind his shoes in the back of his closet," Gary explained as if it was an obvious hiding place.

  "Well, I'm glad you have it now. He told me about your dog—the Shepherd." Brian put his hand in the middle of my back, guiding me farther into the building. "He said he was glad we'd raised him around animals or your dog would have taken a sizable chunk out of him before he could even get close to you. He said you call your Shepherd your baby boy, so I thought you'd like to meet Dev's equivalent."

  Along one side of the barn there were several stalls with horses in them, but Brian kept guiding me to the very last stall. Inside was the most gorgeous horse I'd ever seen—not that I'd seen many. He had the shiniest dark brown coat. It was almost black, but in the light, you could see the deep reds and browns. It was more than a little intimidating in size since it was a few heads taller than me, and it seemed to look right through me. As we got closer, it lifted its nose up and took a longer look at me before walking in my direction.

  "Chopper, come here and meet Dev's Evie," Brian called out.

  Holding a gift from Dev, being called "Dev's Evie," being around people who still hoped for him to come back was just so amazing for me. It was the first time in such a long time that I didn't have to force myself to look like I wanted to be there.

  Brian extended his hand to Chopper, and the large horse moved over to the door to put his head out through the opening in the bars. I wasn't sure if I should move forward or not. I hadn't been around horses very much, so I didn't know how to gauge their moods. After debating the safety of it, I finally put my trust in Brian and moved forward.

  "Put your hand out to him so he can smell you," Brian instructed. "He should pick up on who you are from having smelled you on Dev many times."

  Brian was patting the side of the massive horse, and I put my hand out and took slow steps forward. It was so odd to have him sniff my palm then move his horse lips across it. If that didn't make me want to jump back, the way Chopper moved forward, taking up a large portion of my personal space, certainly made me want to jump back. But when Chopper nudged my shoulder with his nose and looked up at me with big, brown, sweet eyes, I couldn't help but lean into him. He was just a big softie, like Dev.

  Brian leaned against the wall of the stable and smiled at us. "I thought so." Then he shook his head sadly and looked away. "He should be here to see this."

  My insides twisted painfully, not because of what he'd said, but because I could tell he was just as sad, just as messed up inside as I was.

  Brian reached out to pet Chopper. "I spend a lot of time out here with Chopper and the other horses. I know Chopper misses him too. When I come in, he looks behind me like Dev might follow me in. They were practically raised together, Chopper and Dev. When we lost Darren, Dev was barely fourteen. That's when we got Chopper here. Dev was just—he was so strong for his momma and me. He…" His voice trailed off, and he opened the stable door and walked inside, gesturing for me to follow.

  Slowly, I stepped in, unsure of how Chopper would react. Brian turned away from me toward a box built into the wall in Chopper's stable. I kept my eyes on Chopper, trying to give him a little privacy, but he came over to me a moment later with a brush in his hand that had Chopper movin
g closer to him.

  "No, I'm tired big man. I'm gonna let Evie here brush you." He handed me a wooden bar with bristles attached and went back to lean against the wall.

  As soon as the brush was in my hand, Chopper put his nose under my hand and nudged me. He was just like Butcher. I let out a small laugh as I ran the brush through Chopper's hair.

  "What?" Brian asked, looking over at me again, his head tilted to one side in question.

  "Nothing, I just realized his name is Chopper and my big boy, my German Shepherd, his name is Butcher. I just thought it was funny. Did Dev name him?"

  He nodded and had a small smile on his lips again. "Originally, the name was because Dev said he was as powerful as a motorcycle—a Chopper. After he'd been around him a while, though, we realized Chopper had a jealous streak. He nearly attacked my horse, Archie, over there." He pointed to a stable across the way, but I couldn't see the horse there.

  "We had another male horse," he continued. "A beautiful Appaloosa named Charles. He'd been with us for several years. He and Darren would ride him, but when Darren passed away, Dev was the only one left to ride him. Chopper cornered him one day when Dev had come back in with him. If Dev hadn't been there to get between them, I don't know what would have happened." He stared off in the distance, seeming a million miles away in the memory. "But Charles loved kids more than anything, so we gave him to my cousin and his kids who couldn't afford to buy another horse. Dev joked that Chopper meant he was willing to chop through his competition. He couldn't help but love Chopper for loving him so much."

  I looked at Chopper feeling we had more in common than just missing Dev. "I've never been around horses, am I doing this right?"

  "Funny you should ask because no one ever needs to." He chuckled a bit and stepped forward, placing his hand on mine and pushing the brush more forcefully into Chopper's fur. Chopper let out what sounded like a groan and leaned in more toward the brush.

  "He's a pain in the butt, this one. When you aren't brushing him how he likes to be brushed, he'll practically shove into you to tell you what he wants. I've never seen him be so restrained around anyone before. I think he might be trying to impress you." He laughed louder this time, and I was so wrapped up in how similar his laughter was to Dev's that the sound of Gary walking in behind us nearly startled me.

  Gary looked so happy as he stared at me brushing Chopper. "Elizabeth says to leave the four-legged fiend and come in to dinner. I can't believe you got her brushing a horse. She never has before, you know?"

  Brian took the brush from me, and I patted Chopper lovingly before walking out of his stable to join Gary. When I turned back though, Chopper was moving in my direction.

  Brian put his hand up in the air. "Where do you think you're going, big man? You can't follow her." Chopper looked down at him, but stopped walking toward me. In a quieter voice, he patted Chopper's neck and said, "You were a very good boy—so well-behaved—I'm sure you impressed her."

  Chopper neighed, and Brian closed the door.

  I couldn't resist going back to the door and patting his neck again. He stayed at the door watching me until we'd left the stable.

  "He misses Dev too," Gary said as more of a statement than a question.

  "Like crazy. We all do. I worry about Elizabeth the most, though. She hides it well, but not knowing anything is really taking its toll."

  "I don't know anything for sure," I explained. "But I made my brother promise to stay with Dev and look out for him. If he—if something had happened, he would have come back to me. It's not a lot to hang onto, but it helps me calm down a bit."

  "No," Brian nodded. "That's good news. We'll take all the good signs we can get, right?"

  Lunch was delicious and the stories Elizabeth and Brian told of Dev as a kid were heartwarming. I felt like I was getting to know things Dev would have told me if he'd been there. As we left, Elizabeth and Brian both gave me such strong, sincere hugs that I got a little misty-eyed.

  On the way home, Sonya kept smiling over at me and at Gary. I kept hugging Baby Butcher—that's what I named my Halloween present. And I flipped through the pictures of Dev and me. He felt more real—this amazing guy I was hanging onto—and I was more determined than ever not to give him up.

  ***

  We were all back at school the next day, and I actually felt a lot more like myself than I had in a long time. During Yearbook fifth period, Troy was going through several senior prank options. He thought it would be really funny if we talked the teachers into letting us imitate them and teach their classes for a day. His own imitations of Mr. Berg made me laugh out loud. The second I started laughing, several people around me stopped to stare and Lisa, the yearbook editor dropped the dictionaries she had been using to prop up a camera. Okay, so I hadn't laughed much in the past seven months. I hadn't felt like laughing. Sonya said I'd become known as "the girl with the sadness in her smile"—coined by Trevor, the class emo poet. It was nice to counteract that reputation.

  I'd like to say that the nightmares went magically away after visiting Dev's house, but they didn't. They stayed away for several nights and weren't nearly as consistent, but I was still haunted by what might be happening to Dev and Harm. This visit made me feel closer to Dev, but it didn't tell me he was safe.

  When Evelyn started talking about finding me a new therapist at the end of dinner one night, I pushed my plate away and laid my head on the table.

  "It's not healthy to have so many nightmares, Evie. Sleep is very important."

  I was so glad she'd informed me of the importance of sleep because otherwise, I'd never have known. Dark circles, constant exhaustion, trouble concentrating, none of those things had tipped me off, but her statement—wow, now that made a real difference. I didn't say any of that, though. I just closed my eyes.

  "She has straight A's," Sonya declared loudly and forcefully. "She has more critical thinking skills than any of us. And last I checked, the word 'stupid' was not written on her forehead, Mom. So why are you talking to her like she's a moron."

  "Hey," Gabriel said firmly. "Watch the way you talk to your mother. And Evelyn, I agree with Sonya, watch the way you talk to Evie."

  I almost smiled. Not because I was mad at Evelyn or anything, but because they were sticking up for me. Evelyn was just worried. It was in her nature just as much as it was in her nature to want to fix me. And it hit me what I wanted to say. I lifted my head and stretched my hand out to cover hers. "Evelyn?" She looked up at me, and I stared seriously into her eyes with as much maturity as possible. "I love you, and I know you love me. But you can't fix me. A therapist can't fix me. At this current point in my life, this is just as good as it's gonna get. Just accept that I'm broken and let me be."

  She got up and walked to me, bending over to wrap her arms around me. "You're not broken, sweetie. Don't ever think that I think that about you. I'm just so worried for you, and I just keep thinking someone has to be able to help somewhere."

  "There is someone, and I'll get back to him eventually." The ringing of my cell phone gave me a welcome distraction from Evelyn's worry, and I answered it without even looking at who it was. "Hello."

  "Evie?" Something about the deep voice made my heart beat wildly with excitement, but my brain hadn't connected why.

  "Yes."

  "It's Brian, Dev's dad."

  Oh God, my stomach dropped. He wouldn't call me unless it wasn't bad news. Dev. They must have found out bad news about Dev.

  "It's about Elizabeth. She—last night she had a heart attack. They rushed her to the hospital, but she's still in critical condition."

  "Oh my God," I breathed. "Will she be okay? Is there anything I can do?"

  "She's still in critical condition," he explained. "We don't know much more than that at this point. I wanted to call you to let you know that they're allowing Dev to come home to be with her for twenty-four hours. He'll be here tomorrow morning."

  My heart started beating so loudly in my ears that it was t
ough to hear what he was saying. The tears that were swimming around my eyes jumped down onto my cheeks. The demonic, fiery pit in my stomach warred with the happy warmth spreading from my chest. Dev was alive. Dev would be here. Dev was coming here. Elizabeth had a heart attack. She was in critical condition.

  "I have to go," Brian said quickly. "But I had to call you."

  I managed to get my mouth to work again. "Brian, if there's anything at all that I can do, please just ask."

  "Thank you, Evie. I will."

  Dev. Nervous excitement bubbled in my chest. He was going to be here. I would get to see him. It was so surprising that they were letting him even come here. Would they send escorts with him? Would they have him chained up? Would they send Harm with him? No, that would be crazy. Elizabeth…

  "Who was that?" Sonya asked.

  "Brian. He—Elizabeth had a heart attack. She's in critical condition."

  Evelyn's hand flew to her mouth, and she looked to Gabriel. "That's awful."

  "Dev's coming—" I blurted out. "Here. Tomorrow morning. Alive."

  They talked around me, but my brain had tuned them out. All I could think about was seeing Dev, comforting Dev, hoping Elizabeth would be okay, hoping Brian was handling it okay, and wishing for everything to work out.

  Reunion from Hell

  The next morning, I couldn't handle the waiting. I sat on the couch, staring at the phone, hoping Dev would call. By early afternoon, my patience cracked completely, and I was ready to go hunt him down. I stood up abruptly, making Sonya jump a little.

  At Sonya's questioning stare, I answered, "I can't just sit here and watch the time tick by. I'm going down there."

  "You can't just barge in on them." She tossed her long, wavy hair over her shoulder before fishing her cell phone out of the pocket of her hoodie. She ran her finger across the screen a few times before putting it to her ear. "Anise? Hey it's Sonya. Got any news?... Awesome, we'll be there in like fifteen minutes. I owe you." She put her phone back in her pocket and stood up. "Anise works at the hospital. Her mom's a nurse and got her a job there on weekends. I asked her to keep an eye out for Dev. She just got to work a half hour ago and found out that Dev's mom is still in ICU. She said Dev's likely in the waiting area on the fourth floor with his family."