Love on the Ledge

by Zoraida Cordova

  I sit by the pool with my cellphone in hand and a stack of purchase orders. Leti keeps avoiding me about the DJ.

  “He’ll be there. I promise.” She kisses me on the cheek.

  “So it’s booked?”

  “Yep! Uncle Tony wrote a check already.”

  “Yeah, you have no faith in your family,” Yunior tells me.

  “I’m sorry if I don’t take life advice from a guy who sprained his ankle skating off a roof. You’re lucky you can still walk in the ceremony.”

  Yunior presses a finger on my shoulder and hisses. “Yeesh! Ice cold. Stay away from that one.”

  “Will you kids quiet down?” Pepe asks. “I can’t hear myself think.”

  Pepe paces around the pool, biting his thumbnail. His silk robe is like a tail following him as he spins in circles.

  “Relax, Pepe,” I tell him.

  Over on the lawn, Uncle Tony is directing the delivery guys where to put the rented tables and chairs.

  “Elena, Juliet,” I say. “Be useful and go help Uncle Tony unfold some chairs.”

  “But we just applied sunscreen,” Juliet says.

  “Oh, good, you won’t get sunburned while you’re helping.” I shoo them away.

  Maria makes it clear she’s not lifting a finger. She unfolds her magazine and looks over the edge at me.

  “What?” I snap.

  She shrugs. “I just haven’t seen your little roofer boy since he finished his work. He must’ve gotten what he needed.”

  At the mention of Hayden, I try to hide my sadness by giving her the finger. When my phone beeps, my entire being is on alert hoping for his name to pop up on my screen. It’s Lucky.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Can I come over? James and Chris are in cooking mode and I pretty much don’t exist.”

  “If you want to help arrange seashells, then be my guest.”

  • • •

  “You are extra pensive, Sky,” Lucky says. Her long black hair is up in a ponytail and she’s wearing a David Bowie t-shirt. River and Leti are also on centerpiece duty, but mostly gluing their fingers to shells instead of the candles.

  “Yeah, she’s been extra secretive,” River says. “Even for her.”

  Looking at their eyes, I can’t hide it anymore.

  “I have to tell you guys something.” So I tell them about Bradley’s surprise visit. How Hayden was there. How I cut my foot. How I told Hayden we were just fooling around.

  “You’re an idiot,” River tells me. That hurts.

  “You big liar who lies!” Leti shouts. “You said you stepped on a nail by the pool.”

  I shrug. “I’m sorry.”

  Lucky stands, holding a glue gun, looking very much like she’s going to seal my lips shut so I stop making mistakes. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could talk to him. I’m sure he’s staying at his frat brother’s place. It’s not too far.”

  “No,” I say. “We’re not going after Bradley. I made it clear.”

  “Some guys don’t know how to take no for an answer,” River says, pressing a large conch shell around the base of the candle.

  I hate the way she says that. Like she knows firsthand. I stare at her, willing her to look me in the eye, but she keeps hot gluing shells.

  “I’m going to tell you firsthand,” Lucky says, pointing a finger at me. “Guys like Hayden, like James, they don’t come around often. You have to dig through so many scumbags.”

  “Preach,” Leti says.

  “But I don’t know where I’m going to be at the end of the summer. I don’t know if I should stay in New York. I’m pretty certain I don’t want to keep nursing. I just feel like there’s something missing from my life, and it has nothing to do with a boyfriend. I want to do something that I love, and I love helping people. But I became a nurse because my mother told me to.”

  “You have to stop living life by your mom,” Leti tells me. “I do it, and my mom doesn’t like it, but she still wants me to be happy.”

  “Yeah, but you’ve always done whatever you wanted.” I hold a blue seashell, the special one that Hayden picked out. I keep it in my palm. This one isn’t going on a centerpiece. There’s a natural hole at the top. I take off my bracelet and it slides right on. A perfect fit.

  “I just met him,” I say. “Maybe it’s one of those things where you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Maybe I can’t see that it’s just hormonal.”

  “You’re being an idiot,” River says. “Didn’t I tell her she was being an idiot? Sky, I’m a world-class fuck-up. Right now, I can’t even deal with my own shit, so I’m going to focus on yours. If you never want to see Hayden again, then don’t. But believe me, I haven’t seen you this happy or smile as hard as you have since he showed up. If that boy wasn’t a miracle sent from the gods, then I don’t know what he is.”

  Looking at the three of them, I know that I can’t lie to myself. Everything I felt with Hayden was real. “I should have told him when I had the chance.”

  “Told him what?”

  “That I love him.”

  Leti squeals. “Girl, I told you. Didn’t I tell you?”

  “He was so hurt,” I shake my head.

  “Then unhurt him,” River says.

  I think of Bradley begging me to take him back. Nothing he said would ever change my mind. What would make Hayden change his?

  “Even if he says no,” Lucky says, “at least you know you made an effort.”

  River takes out a cigarette and leans back. She lights it, blows a trail of smoke upward. “You already know what I’m going to say.”

  “That I’m an idiot?”

  “No,” she smiles dryly. “That I love you and I want you to be happy.”

  “Be happy.” Lucky says it like happiness is a thing to be examined and dissected. “Once you take away the games and the drama, could it really be that simple?”

  I don’t know, but I’m going to have to give it a try.

  Chapter 37

  Me: I miss you. Can we talk?

  That night, Hayden never answers, so I busy myself with things that have to get done. The wedding is in two days and the house is louder than ever. I manage to overnight a simple wedding topper that I think Pepe and Tony won’t hate.

  It’s hard not to think about Hayden when the bridesmaids’ “suite” is the same room where he fell through. Our dresses are hung and tagged in the closet. I make sure the steamer works. Check the bathroom for toiletries and makeup bags. I stack the boxes of centerpieces on top of each other.

  I make a mental checklist:

  String lights and lanterns all around the yard.

  Finish centerpieces.

  Finalize arrival time with DJ and photographer.

  New topper.

  James and his staff will arrive as early as humanly possible, as promised by Lucky.

  The tuxes are all in the opposite end of the house.

  The pool and pool house are clean and ready.

  Table and chairs are laid out and decorated with garland.

  The gazebo…

  The ceremony is going to take place in the gazebo that Hayden built. I have to go to the store in the morning and pick up an extra string of lights to decorate it.

  I check my phone for the zillionth time and still nothing. I wanted to be left alone and I got my wish. Leti did warn me about what I put out to the Universe.

  I unzip the dress with my name on it and try it on one more time. Sure, it’s not my wedding, but it’s definitely a white dress. I let my hair down from the tangled bun at the top of my head. I’ve been planning my wedding since I was five and I decided to marry John Smith from Disney’s Pocahontas. She’s the Disney princess who looks the most like me, after all. Back then I didn’t know that the real Pocahontas was a teenager and John Smith wasn’t a blond. And also was a horrible human. But for a little while, that was my fantasy.

  Little girls spend so much time fantasizing that no one remembers to tell us that there will come a day when
you can’t separate the princes from the frogs. That even when you do everything right and follow the right steps, you can end up starting over. They tell us so often that we shouldn’t make mistakes. Mistakes ruin your life, from accidental pregnancy to kissing too many boys to getting the wrong grade to wearing the wrong clothes.

  More than anything, I want to tell these girls that it’s okay to fuck up. It’s okay to start over. And I have a better understanding of what I want to do with my life.

  “You look beautiful.”

  I jump when I hear my mother, and turn to see her standing at the door. She’s in her pajamas, her hair in rollers.

  “Your dress is here, too.”

  “Pshh. He’s made me try that thing on a hundred times.”

  “He’s just nervous. He wants everything to be perfect.”

  “We all do. As perfect as we can get, with this family…you never know, nena.”

  “I’m just going to change and go to bed.”

  “Sky, wait.” She stands in front of me. My mom is so small. So was my dad. I don’t know where I got my height from. She holds my face in her hands. “I’m sorry, mija.”

  “Why?”

  “I wasn’t happy when you told me you quit your job.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Listen to me, Sky. I wasn’t happy. But it has nothing to do with me. I was afraid for you. I don’t want you to have the kind of life I had. I don’t want you to come home every night with your hands cracked and bleeding because the factory is so dry. I don’t want you staying up late, wondering where your husband is. I thought Xandro was a good boy, a family boy.”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  “He told me you spilled a drink in his face.”

  I nod. “He’s not wrong.”

  “I don’t always agree with you,” she says. “But I know I raised you right. You would never have done that in public unless he was being fresh. Descarado.”

  “It’s okay, Ma.”

  She makes a face, like she’s still not pleased. “Does this mean you’re going back to work soon?”

  “Actually,” I say. “I was going to join the circus. I’m halfway there being around you people.”

  “Be careful now,” she says, pursing her lips. “Go to the pool. Something just arrived for you.”

  “Me? This late?”

  She sucks her teeth, even though every time I did it, I got smacked in the head. “Ay, go. Ándale. You think too much, my Sky.”

  • • •

  I change out of my dress and run out to the back. My pulse quickens with my steps as I pull open the back doors.

  “Hey,” I say, breathless.

  Hayden stands at the edge of the pool wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans. In his hands is a small wooden box. The night breeze urges me closer to him. My insides feel like a pinball machine, with my heart as the metal ball getting knocked around from corner to corner. Right now, it’s in the back of my ribcage.

  “I have a wedding present for your uncles. I just didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to give it to them.”

  “Oh,” I say. I can be cool and casual. I can ignore that my heart has now been ricocheted to my stomach and all the lights in my pinball-machine-self are going haywire from his nearness. “Thank you. I can give it to them.”

  I hold my hand out but he won’t give it.

  “Sky,” he says, deflating a little. “This is stupid. I miss you. I should have texted you back but I wanted to surprise you. Then on the way over here I realized that my non-response would have come off as not wanting to talk to you.”

  I breathe deeply, taking control back over my body and heart. I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him. I bury my face in his chest. I press my hand on his back. I’m relieved when he holds me back.

  “Those were pretty terrible days being without you.”

  I nod into his chest. God, I missed his smell. I missed the smell of wood and soap and everything earthy. I missed the way he anchors me.

  “Come,” he says, holding my hand and leading me towards the gazebo. “Surprise isn’t done yet.”

  We walk across the damp grass where crickets chirp their mating calls. He leads me through the dark, up the steps of the gazebo. It smells like fresh varnish. I run my hand along the smooth wood, the intricate designs that make it so one-of-a-kind.

  “It’s beautiful,” I tell him.

  When I turn he isn’t there. I’m at the center of the gazebo in the middle of the night. Most of the lights in the house are off. There’s just the moon and the blue glow of the pool.

  “Hayden?”

  “Hang on,” his voice calls out from somewhere in the dark. I can hear him fumble with something. He yelps, like he cut himself. Then a final, “Here goes.”

  The lights come on. Dozens of tiny lights are strung around the top of the gazebo. It makes the backyard look like it’s ready for a fairytale wedding.

  Hayden returns to me. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s amazing. I mean, I’m not getting married here, but I would. I mean. You know what I mean.”

  “I do.” He grabs me by the waist and hoists me up to him, pressing his lips to my lips. Damn, I’ve missed them. Every inch of them.

  “Hayden, I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

  “I’m sorry I walked away from you.” He cups my face. I love the way he looks at me. I can feel his adoration. I don’t have to guess. “I made it about me when you’re the one getting hit on by every guy on Long Island.”

  “Not every guy,” I say.

  “Either way. Can you forgive me for leaving?”

  “Can you forgive me for not telling you right then and there how I feel about you?”

  “Depends. How do you feel?” He tilts me back to expose the tender skin of my neck.

  My body responds to him right away, all tingly and wet. “That you’re mine and I’m yours. That you brighten my day with the way you smile at me. That I want you to kiss me every day for as long as humanly possible.”

  And he does. He kisses me from my neck, to my jaw, to my mouth. He smells sweet, like he was eating candy before he got here. “That’s it?”

  I smack his chest. “What do you mean? Now it’s your turn.”

  I realize that, this whole time, we’ve been swaying. The music is a simple thing—the breeze against trees, crickets, the ripple of the pool, the quick beats of our hearts.

  “I feel really happy that I didn’t quit my dad’s company like I said I would. I wasn’t supposed to be on the job that day. If I hadn’t been, I never would have met you. I’m not big on meant-to-be. But if this is it, then I’m a believer. I believe that you are strong and independent. I believe that I’ve never known anyone quite like you. I believe that I love you, and that alone makes me want to be a better man.”

  Hayden loves me.

  I love Hayden.

  It’s easier than science.

  I wrap my arms around his neck. “Good. Because I love you, too.”

  Chapter 38

  I lead Hayden up the stairs and into my bedroom, rushing him through the door when I hear footsteps creak down the hall.

  “You haven’t even seen the present for your uncles,” he tells me.

  “I’m busy.” That’s right. I am busy. I’m busy pulling his shirt over his head. Touching each distinct muscle that flexes under my skin.

  He catches my bottom lip and tugs on it. “Sky.”

  I pull back just enough to feel the cool air between us. “Yes?”

  “It’s important to you too.” He holds the wooden box between us. I’d much rather have his wood between us. “After that, you can have your way with me.”

  “Promise?”

  He bites my shoulder as a response.

  Now that he’s here and has forgiven me, I can’t think of anything else. He has to lift me off his lap and set me on the bed. I jokingly protest, but now I’m interested in what’s inside the box. I recog
nize Hayden’s beautiful carving. There’s a P and T in an elegant script. I love the idea of Hayden sitting there, working with his hands to make this. Lucky’s right, men who work with their hands sure know how to use them.

  I open it to find two wooden figurines nestled on a blue velvet cloth. At first, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking at. The first one is about four inches tall and made of a light brown wood. The face isn’t really distinct but it’s a beautiful carving nonetheless. The second one is a little bit shorter and made from mahogany. Each one has the initials carved into their hearts—a T and a P.

  “This is them,” I say. I turn to kiss him, but he’s already halfway there. “Thank you.”

  “I wanted your approval. Should we give it to them at the wedding rehearsal or save it as a surprise?”

  I smile against his lips so our teeth smack together. I fall back in a fit of giggles. “Wedding day. They’ll love it so much.”

  “Shhh. You’re going to get us caught.”

  I roll my eyes. “Half the house is out partying.”

  “I only just got your mom to like me.”

  I look at him suspiciously. “Yeah, how’d you do that?”

  He leans back on my bed, spreading out that glorious body for me. “I can be charming when I want to be.”

  “Hayden.”

  “I told her that I loved you. That I just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

  I set the cake toppers on my dresser and lock the door. In the dark of my room with the soft blue pool light coming in through the balcony, I know there is one thing that I want. I pull the straps of my dress off my shoulder. I really love in movies when they do that, and cut to the dress falling to the floor. Hayden follows the fabric. It slides past my breasts, down my waist, hips, and lands on the floor in a pool of chiffon.

  Hayden unbuckles his belt.

  I grab my breasts to make my nipples hard, then explore my own body with my hands. I wrap my hands across my waist, trail them down my hips. I hook my thumbs on the edge of my thong.