The Love You Hate: A Charge Man Novel (The Charge Men Series Book 1)

by Rachel Robinson

  Grant takes the glass from my hand and sets it on the counter behind me. He runs his hands up my arms and cups my face. “Charity never fights me when I fuck her. I want you to fight me.” His breath smells like death—a combination of alcohol and a chemical-like drug scent. My stomach heaves, recalling my past. I close my eyes, hard, a tear rolls down my cheek. For Felix, I think. Not for the man who lied to me and left me. The betrayal stings whenever I think about anything that reminds me of him. Even now, here with Grant, is a reminder of my feelings for the man. Grant kisses my neck and my collarbone, but my body doesn’t react. My senses are dull, and my mind is fuzzy. I pick up the glass while he’s preoccupied and take another big swallow, not even tasting it this time.

  There’s a luncheon tomorrow morning downstairs in one of the ballrooms. I’ll see my mom. No one could tell me when she was arriving, due to security reasons. I wonder if she’s here now. If she is, I’m sure she’s taking advantage of the five-star luxuries she’s been without for so long. They’re letting us order in anything we want. A consolation prize for having a felon for a family member and being forced into another life. I close off my mind to Grant and let him have what he wants, my dress sliding off my shoulders to pool at my waist.

  “You have to play ball, Presley,” Grant says.

  I swallow hard. “I am.”

  “No, you’re like a cold, dead snake.”

  Snapping my teeth together, I hiss, “Get the fuck off me, you perv!”

  He smiles, grabbing my hips tighter. “That’s right, you cunt.”

  Another tear slides down my cheek, and he bites my nipple. I pull back with a yelp. “That hurt!” I wail.

  “Oh, did it?” Grant leans in and bites the other breast just as hard. This time he draws blood. He’s gotten rougher, an evil glint flickering behind his eye. He’s not playing anymore. He wants to hurt me. There’s a half second where I contemplate going with it so I don’t make waves, or piss him off, but then, he hits me. Not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough that my head hits the wall. “Did that hurt too?”

  I grab the side of my throbbing head. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Grant? That actually hurt.”

  “Of course it did. I wanted it to. Now kiss me you slut.”

  The alcohol is hitting me all at once, and I feel sluggish. This is what you wanted, my mind whispers. Just pass out. Pay him back. I’m vaguely aware there is pounding on the door.

  Grant vanishes, leaving me to slump against the wall. I hold my head between my knees and fight the spins. Closing my eyes, I hear Gray’s voice calling my name. Over and over. Wincing, I look up to see him standing over me, holding the tray of cocaine. “How much did you take?”

  “Where’s Grant?” I ask, terrified that if he doesn’t feel paid back that I’m going to have to go through all of this again. “I was okay,” I say, slurring. “I was okay. You shouldn’t have come in here.”

  “You didn’t sound okay. He wouldn’t let me not come in here to check on you.” Gray says, stooping down to pull me to stand. He pulls up my sleeves, and casually peers at my bleeding breast before covering it with the dress. “Probably should get some Neosporin on that. That guy is sleazy as fuck. How much blow did you do tonight?” He picks up the bottle and tilts it up to the light. “Did you drink all of this Pappy by yourself? You’re going to feel like shit tomorrow. What a waste.”

  I groan. “Where did he go?”

  “He took off when I came in,” Gray says, guiding me back into the bedroom and pushing me gently onto the bed. “You should sleep. Your mom wants to have breakfast before the luncheon party thing.”

  “Kill me now,” I say, putting my hands over my eyes. “Don’t let Grant back in here tonight, Gray.”

  “So, you weren’t okay then? The dude is sketchy. Do you want me to put another guard on his room?” Gray tips the bottle of Pappy back and drinks the rest. He smacks his lips, exclaiming how good it is. “I can have him killed. He did make you bleed. That is grounds for an ass beating. Whatcha’ thinking, kid?”

  “No. No,” I plead. “It’s what he likes. The whole rough sex fantasy thing.” I’m out of breath from talking so fast. “It’s fucked up, I know. He’s always liked that. This time… this time… it was a little more aggressive?” I add.

  “You know he’s out on bail right now, right?” Gray asks. “For assault and battery.”

  “No!” I shout. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that before now? How would I know that? I live in a rat hole without internet. Aren’t you supposed to be keeping me safe instead of letting me hang out with criminals?”

  “You’re super drunk and I can’t understand much, but like always, I have one question for you, did you die though?”

  “You’re a peach, Gray. God, you’re awful. The worst.”

  He winks at me. “Only the best for you, babe.”

  Something he said finally registers. “Who wanted you to come in here and check on me?”

  Gray smiles, pulling the sheets down. “Something else you didn’t know. Nate is back on duty. I mean, not full duty until you go back to Gold Hawke, but he’s back.”

  “What?” My stomach lurches. “What do you mean? He’s been gone for months. You said he wasn’t coming back. Ever. That he got fired.” My pulse rages against my neck and my head spins wildly. This was never a possibility I let myself entertain.

  “You might be too drunk to comprehend this, but they, uh, erased you from his brain.”

  “Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t know what that meant sober. Explain.”

  “I know you’ve done research on Charge Men now. Curiosity got the better of you,” Gray says. “To make us better protectors, they remove love and lust from our systems. Word on the street is Nate was a raging success. They made him forget all about what he felt about you and it seems they aren’t worried, because they’re putting him back on your case.” Gray’s gaze lights up. “Isn’t that awesome? Someone that cares more than I do!”

  It’s the opposite of awesome. It’s gut wrenching. It’s scary. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin and redefine everything I thought I knew about the world. “That’s not possible. How is that possible?”

  “Anything is possible. Especially since he’s been trapped in the headquarters lab for months on end.” Gray shakes his head, like he’s trying to rid himself of a bad memory. “I don’t want to know what he went through to get here today.”

  My head swims. “Are you supposed to be telling me this?”

  Gray hands me a bottle of water. I’m not sure when he left my side to get it. “Think they can erase him from me?”

  I blink a few times to focus on his face. “You feel that strongly about him. Still? I assumed the distance would make that go away. He wasn’t with you that long.” He tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”

  How could he if even what a fraction of what he’s just told me is accurate? They have their emotions erased. “I hate him,” I say, my stomach curdling. “I hate him so much.”

  “See? It’s all so confusing.” Gray turns me on my side. “You’ll see him tomorrow at the luncheon. Or he’ll see you. I’m not sure what his plan is because he knows all eyes will be on him.”

  “Sounds awful.” I moan. Gray shifts a trash can next to me and I vomit into it. In between heaves, I say, “Grant is going to be so pissed at me.” Gray kneels next to the bed, cleaning up where I missed the mark.

  “He’s a douchebag. Why do you care?” Gray asks. “Also, this is the biggest waste of Pappy I’ve ever seen. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  “I know. Blackout was the only way I could stomach being with him.”

  Gray sits at the end of the bed. “Why would you be with him to begin with?”

  “I owed him,” I tell him. Honesty comes easy when I’m drunk. “He’s running Lexington Pharma underground. Has been since my dad got locked up. It’s all about who you know. I had Grant get Nate’s cousin the medication he needed
to live. In exchange,” I say, leaving the sentence hanging.

  His eyes widen. “You did that for Nate?”

  “Don’t tell him. I mean, I’m sure he knows I had to do some seedy things to do what I did, but it would be pretty embarrassing if he knew I sold my body. The whole stripper thing was enough to get him riled up.”

  “I’m shocked, is all. That’s a solid thing to do for him. I know his cousin means a lot to him.”

  I snuggle down and close my eyes. “Doesn’t matter now, though. He probably doesn’t even remember. I have to talk to Grant tomorrow to make sure he continues to send Felix the meds.” Drunken sleep comes quickly. The kind that isn’t restful. The nightmares are vivid and I’m dizzy in each and every one. I think Gray is talking to me, but I don’t hear words. I’m trapped in a dark room with Nate, but I can’t reach him and he’s in trouble. The sword that runs the C on the tattoo on his ribcage is red and fiery. It’s killing him. I can’t do anything to stop it.

  ****

  My mom stood me up at breakfast. Typical. The guard standing outside of her room when I went looking for her said she wasn’t coming out until the luncheon. My hangover is awful, and it took a herculean effort to tear myself out of bed to get to the hotel lobby restaurant, but she couldn’t be bothered to show up. I spent the rest of the morning napping and getting ready for this luncheon. Gray left me alone after handing over a pain reliever for the headache I told him won’t go away. As annoyed as he makes me sometimes, I’m starting to rely on his companionship. It’s not the same as it was with Nate, and I realize that’s because I didn’t know of Nate’s motives. I get why he didn’t want to tell me why he was around constantly.

  Peering out the window, I watch people walk, living their lives oblivious of me—of us. We’re the only people staying in the hotel for safety reasons. If there was a leak to the press, they’d descend upon us like vultures and we would be targets. Even with all these Charge Men milling about, we’d be in danger. Ruthless. Those that want us dead are ruthless. Sighing, I drink more water and stare at myself in the full-length mirror. The dress doesn’t feel like me anymore, like I’m playing dress-up in a rich cousin’s closet. I eye the camera in the room, wondering if Nate is watching me. Wondering what he feels when he looks at me now that everything has changed. Gray told me they’re watching all of us at the same time from a suite filled with monitors. Does Nate watch me longer than the others? Has he really stopped caring about me? I didn’t see him this morning while I was tracking down my mom, and it makes me jittery knowing he’s here.

  Stooping down, I put on a buckle pair of high heels, and grab the phone Gray gave me to get in touch with him if I need him and can’t see him. The hallway is cold in comparison to my room and I shiver against the cool, rubbing my arms. There are Charge Men loitering next to doors. I don’t know who is inside the rooms, nor do I pause to find out. A guard with a huge gun slung across his chest, presses the elevator button, and I think about calling Gray to come with me. I know he’s sleeping right now because he was with me all night making sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit. Such a classy bitch I was last night. I must have made an interesting night for Gray. I ride the elevator down to the lobby and follow the music to a ballroom. As I gaze around there is very little recognition. Some people look vaguely familiar, but I’m not sure if it’s because they all look the same. Plastic dressed up in expensive clothing. I see my mother sitting at a table by herself. She hasn’t seen me yet, so I take this moment to study her.

  Her hair is almost fully gray and silver. Her face is devoid of Botox, or the full panel of cosmetics she usually wears. Her black dress is baggy on her frail frame, and she’s wearing flats. If I wasn’t looking closely, and if I wasn’t her daughter, I might not have recognized her. She’s a shell of her former self. I feel guilty because it almost makes me feel better about what I went through. This is why you’re here, Presley, I remind myself. This may be the only time I see them for the rest of my life. My father’s pull can only go so far from behind bars. I force one foot in front of the other, teetering a bit because I’m unused to heels, toward her table. I take a seat next to her without saying a word.

  Her face lights up when she turns to face me. “Presley. You look so beautiful.” That may be the first time she complimented me before tearing me down. Usually it’s, “Did you do something new to your hair? It looked so much better when you had highlights. You should do that again.”

  I swallow, feeling the sickness from last night swirl in my belly. “Thanks, Mom. I missed you at breakfast. I waited for an hour before going to look for you.”

  She grabs my hand and pats it. It’s strange and I want to pull back out of her grasp. Where is my mother? The cold, warden of fashion with a sharp tongue and even sharper wit. “I’m so sorry, honey.” Honey? “My guard didn’t think it was safe to go out two times in one day. He should have told you. I’m sorry they didn’t and I’m sorry you waited so long. We’re together now. Isn’t this so nice of your father to organize? When he gets out, we’ll have to do it again.” Oh, okay, so she’s losing her mind. That makes sense.

  “Getting out? What are you talking about? He’s not getting out.” I backtrack, because her face falls. “It is nice that he was able to arrange this for us.”

  She smiles. “You have to keep the faith. There is always a way.” Yeah, Dad always finds a way to scam and sleaze around to make a buck. “I have faith. It’s what I hold on to every day. One day we’ll have our lives back and what a blessing we will have this experience to look back on fondly.”

  I must look shocked because Mom goes on to explain how she’s working at a library which has given her an opportunity to read. A lot. All of the different books she never would have picked up. I’m not sure what to think when she moves on to talk about Chakras, meditation, and swimming for exercise because honestly, I’m beginning to realize she’s not just a shell, she is a completely different person. “I believe there is a lot of weight in positive thinking, Presley. It’s the one thing I can control. If you think it, it can become reality.”

  “I just, it’s just, I’m really at a loss, Mom. You seem different.”

  “Because I am. That’s not a bad thing, either. I realize how badly I treated you, how you never really got a childhood, or parents that were present. There are a million things I want to apologize to you for, but right now I want you to know that there is another way. A more honest way of living.” My chest hurts as I realize she’s beaming with a happiness I’ve never seen on her before. “This is a second lease on life and I know if, I mean when, your father gets out, he will see the value in it and join me. He can turn it around.”

  “Just like that?” I say, voice warbling. “Night and day just like that? No more makeup or plastic surgery, trips to The Hamptons, and bags that cost more than cars, all of that means nothing to you now?”

  She shakes her head and squeezes my hand tightly. “Those things aren’t in the equation anymore and it took not having them to realize what is most important.” Mom peers into my eyes, similar to her own, like she’s searching for something. “Tell me, did you find anything that meant more than the things you owned in the past?”

  “Yes,” I answer before thinking it through. She’s going to want an explanation. “But it doesn’t matter because he’s gone.”

  “You met someone?” Her eyes alight. How is it possible it makes her even happier than she was a moment before? My life, or how I lived it, never gave her any emotion unless it was fucking with hers. If I ended up in the tabloids, she’d have to answer to her friends. I’d hear all about that, but it wasn’t positive for sure. Not like this.

  “It’s kind of messy, Mom. I don’t want to talk about it.” At the thought of Nate, I gaze around the perimeter of the room where all of The Charge Men are guarding every exit. There are so many of them and they are similarly dressed. Their bulletproof vests aren’t hidden under suits, today they’re on top, making them look even sc
arier than they usually do. The reason they’re here has never been more obvious. I swallow hard. “Like always, it was someone who I shouldn’t have given a second look at.”

  “You fell in love with your Charge Man,” she deadpans.

  I furrow my brow. “What?”

  “There’s a rumor all the guards are whispering about. Was it you? You were the one who made your Charge Man, against all odds, fall in love with you?”

  Choking on my next breath, I’m not sure if I confirm or deny. She’s being honest, and weird, so what the hell. “Yeah, that’s me. Making waves wherever I go. Has to make you proud.” I want her to get mad at me and give me a tongue lashing. Something. Anything that will remind me of who she is, or who she used to be. This new enlightened mother doesn’t bring me comfort like she should. It makes me uncomfortable because if she can change that much, what will happen to me?

  “Why would I not be proud? Presley, you have discriminating tastes, I’d like to meet him. Which is he?”

  A pang shoots through me. “He doesn’t exactly feel that way about me… anymore.”

  “How do you know that? That doesn’t seem right.” Yeah, it doesn’t, and even though I was drunk when Gray told me about it, it was wild enough I remembered it in perfect detail. The lab.

  I shake my head. “He’s probably not here. Grant is though,” I say, bemoaning the sight of him entering the ballroom, bopping his head to the music. I hang my head in my hands, putting both my elbows on the table. New Mom won’t care about that. “Is he coming over here?”

  Mom gives the affirmative, and I look up when I hear Grant’s voice. “So good to see you, ma’am.” What a perfect gentleman in front of people. I want to scream that behind closed doors he’s a monster. My breast has a wound that will certainly scar, and marks from his upper and lower teeth are bright red against my creamy skin. Luckily, the dress covers it. “Can I have this dance?” Grant asks. I look up and he’s extending his hand like Rico Suave. My stomach flips as I take his hand. He’s given me no option—I can see the anger in his eyes.