The Love You Hate: A Charge Man Novel (The Charge Men Series Book 1)

by Rachel Robinson

  Mom smiles, but it’s fake, as I follow him away from the table. “There’s no one on the dance floor, Grant.”

  “I don’t care. Let them stare. We still have to settle the matter of payment. If you want the meds to keep coming, we need to make another deal.”

  I’ve been dreading this hotel stay for this singular reason. “We have tonight. There’s still time for me to hold up my end of the deal. Or is there something else you want?” He spins me away, flashing a fake smile to those passing by, then pulls me back to his chest, holding my hand against his sternum.

  “I want to make this legal so I can stop lying and hiding. I can make more money if it was on the up-and-up. Since you’re a stick in the mud in the bedroom now, I want your help with this instead.”

  I nod. “Okay, and how do I help you do that?”

  “Your dad.”

  Shaking my head, I avert my gaze. “I don’t have access to him. Hello, I had to go to you when I ran into trouble. Don’t you think I would have gone directly to him if I had that option? Then I wouldn’t owe any favors. I mean, I wish I could talk to him then I could tell him about the dirty deals you forced me to make.”

  “You wouldn’t tell him,” Grant says, narrowing his eyes. “You wouldn’t want him to know.”

  “Like I care what he knows at this point. He’s never getting out. I’ll never see him again, despite what my mom thinks.” I look over to her table and that’s when I see Nate Sullivan. He’s encased in the shadow of an entrance, behind Mom. His eyes are locked in my general direction. My heart skips a beat and I stumble, missing a step and nearly falling before Grant steadies me.

  “You always did have two left feet.”

  I should be telling him to go get stuffed, but I’m too preoccupied. “Yeah, never did take to ballroom dance classes,” I admit sarcastically. “I’ll figure out a way to get you on top of Lexington Pharm.” I don’t even look at him. “Then we’re square for however long I need, and you’ll owe me more than just the one person, too.” It would be naïve to think I’ll never need to call in another favor of this magnitude. I may not find peace like my mother obviously has, but I will work on building security.

  “Open ended dealings? You’re more like your father than I gave you credit for.” Grant releases me, and there’s soft clapping from somewhere in the room. “I’ll be in touch.” His voice holds distinct promise that makes me uncomfortable. “You know how to reach me?”

  “Same as last time no doubt.”

  To appease the crowd, he leans in and presses a soft kiss on my neck. A juxtaposition of how he marred my body last night. He releases me, and I drift in Nate’s direction. He looks both left and right to see who is watching, and it just so happens everyone is. They’re all waiting to see how he reacts to me. To us. I’ve done a good job at blocking out the pain in his absence, but being this close to him causes it to flood back in. Nate holds his face stoic and proud. He doesn’t look at me too long. He’s sweeping the room like a good bodyguard.

  “Presley Cohen,” he says.

  “Pretty sure you can call me by my real last name here, Nate,” I hiss.

  He doesn’t meet my eyes. “I’ll be escorting you back to Gold Hawke today. We will leave directly following the luncheon and the packing of your bags.”

  Tears prick my eyes, and it’s miserable that he knows how much he’s upsetting me. “It’s true then? You’re officially a robot?” I stutter. “I didn’t believe it because I’ve never hated love so much in my entire life, but if you can erase me, then I can eviscerate you.” There’s no tells. Nothing. His uniform is perfect, and his face looks exactly the same as it did all those months ago, except a ring of black below his eyes suggesting sleepless nights.

  “I’m your Charge Man. It is my job to protect your heartbeat. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

  Nodding, I sink into my feelings even further. “I can’t believe this nightmare. I’m stuck with you. With you? I’d rather have Gray!” I hiss. “He’s honest. Brutally honest.” My voice rises and others hear, curious stares aimed my way.

  “That’s not the way it works. I’m your Charge Man. Bags packed and at the door at four.”

  “I hate you, Nate Sullivan.” His jaw shifts left and right, but that’s the only indication he’s heard what I’ve said. His eyes stay focused above my head. I head back to the table with my mom because I could use some of her self-help bullshit. Maybe she can recommend a book.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Nate

  They’ve watched me every single second I’ve been here. I haven’t so much as breathed alone. The reports I’ve written are endless, and I’m exhausted. For multiple reasons. I couldn’t sleep last night because Presley was so drunk, I was worried she might actually die, and Gray had to sleep on her hotel room floor. That was after I listened to Gray tell Presley they erased my love for her, and Grant fucking Barringer take advantage of her while she was unconscious drunk. Oh, and that was for the mere price of saving my cousin’s life. It’s been a real fucking time of it, let me tell you. It’s almost over. As soon as we leave, I can be honest with her. I check my watch and it’s four o’clock on the dot. I’ve pulled the armored SUV up to the overhang at the back of the hotel where deliveries are made. The car has been debugged, and we have a four-hour drive to catch up. The nervous energy has me tapping a finger against my leg nonstop. I had to play a part today to save face, for my brothers. The other Charge Men don’t have anything to do with my business, and they don’t deserve to pay for my downfalls. If I made a scene in that ballroom today, they would have paid the price with months of their lives in a lab trying to reassess every facet of the program. That’s not part of the deal I made with Coldren after Raya left. I swallow down a huge lump when I see Presley push out of the double doors, bag in hand. She’s still wearing the intoxicating dress she had on earlier. I have a plan. I have to stick to it to prevent waves.

  The safety precautions we now have to take are extreme. Mya and Troy made sure my life would be difficult and in turn made Presley’s more complicated. I open the door to the back seat of the vehicle. She narrows her eyes, shakes her head, pauses for a moment, but climbs into the back. I slam the door, eyeing the guards surrounding us from all angles. They press a button to open the gate and let me drive off the hotel grounds. There are a few minutes of silence, when I just listen to her breathe to familiarize myself with that sound once again. It’s relaxing, but it doesn’t last long. I meet her gaze in the rearview mirror.

  “In the back like a fucking child or something. I know they took away your feelings for me, but I didn’t realize they also took away decency, manners, and overall friendliness. You make me sick. This whole thing makes me sick!”

  “What? That I can now do my job perfectly? That’s why we were put together in the first place. You needed a Charge Man and I needed a Principal. This is my life, and what happened between us was a mistake.” I make sure the radio is recording us, via the blue flashing light. The bastards didn’t think I’d see it. I have to give them something before deactivating the final bug. “I asked them to fix me. Things will be far less complicated now.” Meeting her eyes is a mistake. The pain there is vivid and pure. Causing her distress is the last thing I want to do after what she’s been through, and what she’s done for me. That has to be enough. I’m calling it. I take the small stick-like device from my pocket and zap the radio bug with a quick press of a button. The light flashes blue one more time, and goes dark—dead.

  “Presley,” I say, in between her sobs. She doesn’t respond. “For fuck’s sake they were listening. My every move was being watched.”

  “No one has ever hurt me the way you have,” she snarls. “How dare you try to make light of it.”

  I’d argue her father did more damage, but I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole. “Are you fucking listening to me? They didn’t erase anything, though not for lack of trying!”

  She wipes under her e
yes. “What do you mean? You can’t even look at me.”

  “Because everyone was looking at me,” I explain. “Get in the fucking front seat right now.” Presley is staring blankly, forehead crinkled in confusion. “I’ve been watching you on a screen unable to look at you the way I wanted for fear that my feelings would be on full display for everyone to see and judge.”

  “How is that any different right now?”

  I swallow hard. “I need to talk to you, Presley.”

  “Talk! You’ll forgive me for not being comfortable with you after having Gray as a guard while you were… gone, nowhere to be found.”

  I clear my throat. “He’s a good bodyguard,” I admit. “But no one will be a better guard for you than me.”

  “That goes against everything you just said. If you have feelings for me, you’re less of a guard. If you go robot mode, you can guard me better. Which is it?”

  I yank the wheel to pull over to the side of the road and order her to get in the front seat. She’s barefoot, and mascara is running down her face. She looks like a disgraced princess. “This back and forth is giving me whiplash,” she says.

  I grab her head and pull her into a kiss. Finally. Serotonin releases and eases me into a more relaxed state. Her lips are warm, but taste salty from her tears. Presley stays still, not moving her hands or her lips. She doesn’t push away from me, though. If anything, she also relaxes. Gently, her tongue slides into my mouth. Moaning, I close my eyes tightly, knowing this can’t last long. Time is the one thing we don’t have on our side.

  Leaning my forehead against hers, I pull away. “Do you really hate me? Nothing I ask you next means anything if you hate me.”

  Her lips tremble, and I put my thumb against her bottom to halt it. “You left me. You locked me in my trailer after kicking down the door.”

  “That was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?”

  She barely smiles. “I could never hate someone who I love,” Presley whispers. “I mean, I hate you, let’s get this straight, but if you’re still you, I’m happy to let you try to get back in my good graces.” She pecks my lips, gaze focused on my mouth. “More kissing.” I give in because I want it as much as she does. Her scent is sweet, and her voice is soothing, and this is where I belong. Maybe I wasn’t sure before, but after everything I’ve been through the past months, this is what I want. My hands brush her collarbone and chills spread across her smooth skin. More. I’m always going to want more. It’s why I know what needs to happen next.

  Pulling away from her wet lips is difficult. “I have a plan, but it requires a lot of trust. A lot.”

  Her big, round eyes tell me she’d follow me to the ends of the earth if that’s what I asked, and it gives me pause. Am I making the right decision for her? I know it’s the right one for me. After she nods for me to explain, I say, “Stop me when you have an issue.” I inhale and exhale noisily. “We’re going to crash this car. Really, crash it if you know what I mean. There won’t be anything left inside it.” I eye her, but she’s waiting for more. “We’re going to die today, Presley. And I know how crazy that sounds.”

  “Yes,” she nearly yells. “Yes.”

  “You don’t want the details?” I’d feel better if she’d let me get through the whole thing. If we don’t work out, she’s going to be on her own after her pretend death. I have enough faith in my feelings for her, but I don’t live inside her brain, either. “I’ve worked out a way to disappear for real this time. In a town like Gold Hawke, where there isn’t much. It’s a place they didn’t use for other Principals. Small, but good enough, and we can be together.” This is huge and the fact I’m willing to go through with it, speaks volumes, but I’m not sure if she understands the magnitude.

  “Who is helping you? Us? Why would they?” Coldren. To protect his life. To protect his family’s lives because of my failure. He agreed to help fake the scene. He’s trailing behind us as we speak. He might be a fucking asshole for all that he’s done for The Charge Men program, but at least he still has a sense of self preservation.

  “It doesn’t matter, just know that once we die, it will be a brand-new life. I have enough money to support us, and we can do whatever we want. Open a bakery? Done. Live in a house up in the mountains that isn’t made of tin? Done. I’m asking you to start over one more time, and that’s a lot.”

  “Nate, it’s not a lot to ask. Are you serious though? You’re willing to leave it all behind? For this other life that’s not promised?”

  “A long time ago I was an awesome dude. Before my career tainted my world views. It took a little, well, a lot of self-reflection, and an almost tragedy to realize I need to be more careful with how I spend my limited time.” I blow out a breath. “No one makes me feel like you. I’m in love with you and all of your madness. Your jokes, your dumb bucket list, the way you never give up on something even when it’s a bad idea.” Stripping. “I think maybe it means you might not give up on me.”

  “Are you calling yourself a bad idea?”

  “Presley, I had the beast trained out of me once, but they couldn’t wipe you out. You stayed. Not only did you stay, you were the thing that pulled me to the other side. I thought maybe you’d take me back. Maybe a kiss was enough, even though I lied and betrayed your trust. I believed in us. When the reprogramming didn’t work, I knew this wasn’t just lust. My love for you was dangerous and real. It’s visceral. It transcends science if you want to get technical. Am I a bad idea for you? Yeah, I am. But I’m also the only person that will never stop loving you no matter what.” She licks her lips, and I think about sex. She blinks slowly, and I think about sex. I kiss her once more so she can feel what I feel, hoping the amount of everything I feel for her pours into her body and takes root.

  She leans away, and I think she might tell me to get lost. That I’m not worth it, but I should know better. “Okay. Let’s die.”

  My heart pounds as I tell her the plan. She unzips her dress and takes off all of her clothes, as do I. I have on an extra pair of underwear, so I’m not buck naked. The clothing is left on our seats. Hers in the back, and mine in the driver’s seat. We look like crazy people on the side of the road as I disarm the windows and security system so Coldren can stage the scene when he comes after. There’s an autopilot switch in case of emergency and I fry the black box with the pen so it doesn’t record any of my actions leading up to the destruction of the vehicle.

  Tossing Presley a T-shirt I snaked out of a bag at the hotel. I try not to look at her naked body or the wound on her chest from that predator. She slips it over her head, and I can see that she’s anxious as she tugs on the hem and asks over and over what else she can do. “Is this what my dad felt like? Doing sneaky shit? It’s equal parts exhilarating as it is terrifying.” Barefoot, biting her fingernails, I think she looks like a vision. I grab an empty wine bottle from the trunk and toss it in the passenger seat for good measure. A better story when you connect the dots. A disgraced Charge Man drunk because he has to face the love of his life who couldn’t be erased. He will kill them both in the process. A fitting story, I think. A believable one at the least.

  “I mean, you’re sort of meant for this life, aren’t you?”

  “If I die, I can come back and make everything he did right.” Presley mentions something about Grant, and the deal she made, but I ignore it because I’ve enacted the ignition and the autopilot system and I need to give it my full attention. The steering wheel is pointed just slightly toward the woods on the right side of the road, and I close the door as it starts speeding up quicker than I can run. I chose an area that was densely wooded for a dual purpose. I direct Presley into the tree line far away from where the crash will take place.

  I’m too wrapped up in watching the SUV turn into fiery red, orange flames that I’m not paying attention to Presley. “We’re going to be mountain people now? Those real rednecks that don’t give a shit about anything kind of folk, right?”

  I grunt, wa
iting for the van carrying Coldren to pull up, not satisfied until I watch this unfold as was the plan. “Whatever you want,” I mutter, tapping the handgun against my leg. The just-in-case weapon I’ll have to dispose of as soon as we flee the scene because it’s tied to me.

  Presley steps in front of me, cutting off my view with her naked body. “No,” she says, shaking her head. “You don’t understand what I’m asking for.” Her eyes glitter with mischief. “In woods. Right now. If you’re serious about this, you need to prove it.”

  My eyes widen in shock. “If the burning vehicle in the distance isn’t serious, I’m afraid to ask what is.”

  “Afraid, or won’t ask?” she says, neck working as she swallows. Presley drags a finger down my neck, over my throat, and slides it between my pecs. She splays both of her hands to across my abs, and my body bucks back at the contact. Not because I don’t want her touch, because it’s so foreign, and maybe some of the testing Coldren put me through subconsciously stuck with me.

  “What’s serious?” I ask, tipping up my chin.

  Presley grabs my cock through my underwear and squeezes. She takes the gun out of my hand and slides the shirt over her head. She places both on the ground. “Serious is how badly I want this inside me.”

  I lose my breath. This is off script, but not so much for Presley. We’re hidden away in the woods, but also not in private. “Here? Right now?”

  “What don’t you understand about serious, Nate?”

  Brushing hair away from her collarbone, I let myself admire her perfect fucking body. I want her desperately. I feel electrified, or as if I’m dreaming. She drops to her knees, taking my underwear down as she slides to the ground. I step out of them, so I can be completely unencumbered and I realize I’m holding my breath. My exhale is noisy and exaggerated as she slides my dick into her warm mouth.