by Jaye Cox
"Fucking up bigtime is an understatement, man."
I lean my head back and close my eyes. I should have picked her up and just walked away from all this. Was revenge so important I would risk losing her? Wanting revenge for my past and for trying to use my sister, I had to protect her and Boston. He tried so many times to convince me to get Boston to sell drugs to his little rich mates. As much as I try to justify what I have done, I still feel like shit, but I couldn’t let them end up like me. Morris elbows me in the ribs the best he can anyway whilst handcuffed.
"Look, it’s good cop, bad cop coming our way," Morris says. We both laugh because we know the drill. One always tries to be a dick and the other tries to be your friend. You can just tell by looking at them. The detectives get in the car and the older of the two says, "Let’s get this scum back to the station so we can knock off on time tonight." Morris looks at me and I just laugh, not that there’s anything funny going on.
"Something funny going on back there, you little fucker?" comes from the other detective.
"Hilarious," I say through my laughter.
"Be quiet or I might accidently give you something to laugh about."
"Yes, Detectives. I’m acquainted with the phone book," comes from Morris. He finds this as amusing as I do. Once we get to the police station, the detectives take us to separate interview rooms. Since we didn't end up straight in lock up, I’m presuming they’re actually following orders from someone, even though the guy that brought me in here didn't un-cuff me―asshole.
I sit in the empty room for what feels like forever. It only gives me more time to regret how I treated Isabella earlier, my Tiny Dancer. Why didn't I just... fuck. Why did I have to tell her I didn’t love her? From the moment her big blue eyes looked at me, I knew she was it for me― I would never meet anyone else that could see through my bullshit, or know what I’m feeling, without knowing how fucked up I really am. She actually wanted to love me anyway. I never told her about my past because it’s hard for me to talk about. I’m ashamed of who I was. I knew she would still love me, maybe even love me more, because that’s just who she is.
She thinks her being perfect is a bad thing, but it’s not. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I managed to fuck that up. I didn’t think I could be a relationship type of guy; all I did before her was work, play my music and fuck whoever was first in line. I didn’t think I deserved a happy ever after, until I met her. You know the saying, you can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in glitter and wrap a bow around it, but no matter how pretty you make it look, it’s still shit. I’m just a big shit turd covered in fucking glitter, and that’s me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried to make up for all the crap I’ve done in the past, I still did it. I’m still not a good guy.
“Detective dickhead comes back into the room and doesn't say anything, he just un-cuff’s me and leads me out of the room. “This is Constable Adam Dirks. He will take you both wherever you need to go. Detective Inspector Ian Daniels will call you when he needs you to be interviewed. Morris smiles at me. My phone vibrates again and this time, I can finally check it. I have over fifty missed calls; Sam, Dex, Romeo, Tommy, Kandace and even Ty. I have over double that in text messages. What the fuck’s going on? I have the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I hit the first name that comes up, the last person to call me. "What the fuck’s going on, Sam?" I say before she can even say hello.
"Slow down, Sam. Wait, I don’t understand. No. You’re not serious. Please no,” I say as the phone drops from my hand. I don’t even comprehend that Morris has picked it up until I hear him speaking. My whole world goes black. I lose control of my body and I drop to my knees. I knew I would ruin everything good about her. I’ve killed her; I’ve killed my Tiny Dancer.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
RAYNE
I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast in my life. As soon as Constable Dirks pulled up, I took off running. I knew she was here somewhere, I just needed to find her. I’d been through hallways and up lifts, I just keep running
"Fuck!" I yell and scare a bunch of old ladies. They all look at me as if I’ve lost my mind, and they would be right. I feel like I have lost everything, not just my sanity. How many fucking floors does one damn hospital need?
Morris finally catches up to me. "It’s this way man, calm down."
"Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. You couldn't possibly imagine what I’m feeling right now."
"We love her too, Rayne. Not everything is about you. Pull your fucking head out of your ass; would you?"
"I’m sorry, Morris." He doesn’t say anything more. We reach ICU and go through. I first see Tommy sitting by the vending machines with his head in his hands. Tommy and I first met when I moved back to my mum’s house; I was eighteen and he was fifteen. We went to the same school. His friends were the popular kids I always avoided. I hung out in the music room every lunch period, playing guitar or writing music. The music room happened to be where detention was held, since the music teacher, Mr. Dunn, stayed late most days to help with the music students, I guess the principal decided since he was there anyway. He really helped me pull my shit together and pull my grades up, along with the best tutors money could buy, my mother didn’t want me to have to repeat the grade and not fit in. I had decided on a career path besides music, so Mr. Dunn made Tommy help motivate me in the fitness side of things in exchange for letting him out of detention, since Tommy pretty much dominated the school in anything to do with sports, it had worked out good for both of us. The funny thing is, the day Tiny Dancer thinks we met, isn't the first time I saw her. We were never introduced since she was only in primary school the year I met Tommy and then I graduated that same year. I still remember Tommy pushing me to do push-ups at the same time the year seven students had a tour of the high school. I saw her walk to the edge of the oval where we were and as soon as Tommy noticed her looking his way he ran over to her and her eyes lit up like he was the best thing since sliced bread. I was jealous, and wished one day someone would look at me like that. Then I had it with the same girl and I fucked it up.
Tommy must hear us walk in, because as soon as he can see it’s me he leaps out of his chair and runs for me. I’ve never seen so much hatred and anger come from a human being before and I’ve seen a lot. I let him hit me, and he knocks me on my ass. "This is all your fault, I wish I’d never met you, or introduced you to her." He seethes. I manage to sit up with my back against the wall while he continues to yell at me. Everyone is staring and I can feel all their eyes are on me, waiting for me to react, but I don't, I deserve everything he is saying and more because it’s all my fault.
"I told you to stay away, she wasn't strong enough to deal with whatever bullshit you were into. I kept your fucking secret; I lied to my best friend and I might not get a chance to say I'm sorry." He was still yelling and crying at the same time. I know he loves her, I had known all along, even if he doesn’t realize it yet. He walks over to Isabella’s father, Mr. Preston and a few other people are all sitting closest to the entrance to the patient’s rooms. I get up and walk over to where Morris, Dex, Romeo and Sam are sitting. Sam gets up and hugs me.
"She will be fine, she has to," Sam sobs into my neck.
"Does anyone know what happened?" I ask, hoping they were being kept updated. They all shake their head.
"The doctors came out a while ago, but we didn't feel right intruding,” Romeo says running his hand through his hair. I’d never imagined my friends would’ve grown this close to Isabella. I am grateful they’re all here, especially Dex; after everything that happened to him, it must be killing him to be here.
"I will go speak to them," Morris says, and I’m glad he offered since I’m not Mr. Preston’s favourite person. I watch him walk over and they shake hands and I watch as they talk. It feels like forever, but I just need to know if she will be ok. I need to find a way to make her better. Morris comes back over and explains; the lack of oxygen, her brain swelled and she was put
in a medically induced coma. They’re now just waiting on test results to find out what to do next.
Two officers walk in and over to the reception desk. I watch as the lady behind the desk points towards Mr. Preston. It’s most likely just to ask routine questions and let them know once Isabella wakes up they will have to speak to her. I use this as my chance to go over and find out what’s happening. The two officers turn and look at me as I approach. "Constable Rayne Hollywood," I say offering my hand to the officers. I see Mr. Preston’s mouth drop, I don’t think he expected that.
"Oh yeah, here’s the kicker - he is a fucking cop. Can you believe that?" Tommy says, before he laughs like it’s all a big joke.
“I’m sorry I lied to you all, I thought revenge on my brother for the shitty things he has done was what I needed to do.
"You're a cop," I hear come from behind me. I turn to see Ty standing behind me. Shit. I thought he would’ve been arrested in the bust at Razor’s house. I’d been hoping he’d left like I told him to, but just like the rest of the Hollywood’s, he didn’t listen. I planned on waiting until Razor was locked up to tell him.
"Why are you here?" I ask him confused.
Mr. Preston speaks up and says Ty was the one with Isabella when she nearly drowned. She was drunk and on drugs. As soon as the words leave his mouth I know it was my fault. I grab Ty by the shirt and pull him towards me so he is close to my face. "What the fuck did you give her, you bastard? I know you’re the only one with access to some of the drugs.”
The officers pull me off Ty and Morris runs over to hold me back. "He fucking drugged her and you’re all looking at me as if I'm the bad guy here, I love Tiny Dancer more than life itself.”
"I didn't drug her, Rayne. She was at the house - I thought she was there for the reasons they’re all there. She was upset and started drinking and she wanted to do the drugs. I'm so sorry. She had two lines and a pill, but she was fine and happy. Then I didn’t want to go skinny dipping and tried to get a blanket from the boot, but when I got back she was gone and I couldn't find her."
Ty starts to cry when you’re around people like Razor, you learn not to cry. He should’ve known better because Tiny Dancer doesn't look anything like the coke head junkies that went through that house. I drop to the floor as I see the officers take Ty away.
This isn’t something I can fix or make better, she has to fight for her own life. She always believed that love was enough, but Love is not always enough. Where did my love get her, in a fucking hospital barely hanging on for dear life? The old me has a way of showing up, flaunting itself in my face and saying you’re a fuck up, Rayne, always have been always will be. I need my Tiny Dancer, I need her to crawl into my lap and pull me out of my dark place, with no words just the pure thoughtfulness of her actions, or even that look when she is pissed at me.
"I want to go back to that, I need to, she has to be okay." I know I say it out loud but I don't care.
Mr. Preston kneels down in front of me, the man hates me, I know it, and he doesn’t hide it. "How about we call a truce until Isabella is okay" he says.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Richard? You’re going to let him stay after I warned him he would hurt her?" Tommy spits. He’s pissed at me and I don’t blame him, but he can suck it up, because I won’t leave her until she asks me to.
"Tommy, my daughter loves this man. As much as I hate to admit it, she does and until she tells me otherwise, he stays."
I think hell officially froze over, Mr. Preston actually wants me to stay. The doctor comes out and I get to my feet. He tells us there have been no changes in her condition and they’ll reevaluate tomorrow. I ask if I can see her, but he thinks it’s best if we wait until tomorrow except for Mr. Preston, who is welcome to see her for five minutes. I tell him I’ll be back in a few hours; I need a shower and I want to pack some of her stuff for when she wakes up. I’m thankful I have awesome friends; they’re all still here with me. I just hope Tiny Dancer can forgive them, even if she never forgives me.
We all pile into Morris' car and head home. I walk into the house and I look around - all I see is her, everywhere. I know I should’ve told her as much as I could before she moved in, but she wanted it so bad and I had planned on trying to get a transfer here or asking her to move with me.
I walk around for an hour or so like a zombie; I don't know what I’m doing. Sam grabs me by the hand, drags me too my room and pushes me on my bed. She leaves the room and comes back with a bag she starts to pack with some things for Tiny Dancer; underwear and pajamas, socks and some other girly shit she insists we take. I argue she won't need make-up but Sam says when she wakes up she’ll want it, and to not argue with her. Once everything is packed, I grab one of my shirts she has claimed as her own, and chuck it on top. Sam throws a towel at me, tells me I smell like a dirty nut sack and to go shower and get a few hours rest, so that’s exactly what I do. When my alarm goes off, I am ready and put some new songs on my iPod so she can listen to her music. I head back to the hospital, it has killed me not knowing how she is and I just can't wait any longer. I stop for much needed coffee on the way and I get a couple of extras in case Tommy and Mr. Preston are still there. Today I don't feel unwelcome walking into the waiting room towards them. Tommy is still pissed off at me, I wish he would just hear me out so he would understand. The doctor comes walking out and tells us we can go in and see her. She has been taken off everything since her test results came back good, and now they wait. Mr. Preston goes in first, which gives me time to try and talk to Tommy.
"I know you hate me right now, but I love her."
"You love her? Look where the fuck your love got her! Stop being so selfish, only thinking about yourself, oh, but I forgot; that’s who you are, a selfish asshole. Was it some kind of game for you to try and take her away from me? Is that how it started? Because I’ve been sitting here trying to work it out." He puts his head in his hands, he is hurting and I want it all to go away.
"You love her." It’s more of a statement, but he answers anyway.
He nods and says, “Don't worry; I won’t tell her, she’ll freak out and be all weird around me. If you love her so much and you know you're bad for her, just walk away. Do it for her."
Mr. Preston eventually comes out and visiting hours are ending soon, so Tommy and I are sent in together. Tommy walks into her room first, as soon as I see her lying there, I know I need to walk away. I caused this; I made her do this to herself, because she thought I didn’t love her. Tommy is by the bed holding her hand crying.
"You're right you know," I say.
"About what?" he says looking at me.
“I need to leave. I'm so fucking sorry - by trying to protect her, this happened. I'm just toxic."
Tommy doesn’t say anything, so I ask for a few minutes to say goodbye even though I know walking through those doors and never coming back will hurt more than anything. I have to do it for her; to let her have a chance at love the way it should be. To let her go and not be selfish and think about myself. Tommy walks out of the room and I take a seat next to her. She looks pale, almost grey, she looks so fragile, so peaceful. I take her hand and feel her skin against mine one last time. “I love you Tiny Dancer and I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything. You were wrong though; love is not enough and I’m sorry I was the one to prove you wrong. Do me a favour, don't cry over me, I’m not worth your tears. Find a man who dries your tears and doesn’t cause them. I will never stop loving you, my Tiny Dancer you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I decide to sing her one last song, she loved hearing me sing and she said this was our song. She even tried to sing it to me one day, it was sweet even though the poor girl is tone deaf, and sounded like she is strangling a cat. One last time; one last memory for me. I sit on the edge of her bed and hold her hand. I’m not one to cry, but when I start to sing I have to hold back my tears and my voice trembles. This one’s for you Tiny Dancer. It’s our song, All Of Me by
John Legend. It’s such a cliché song but she loved it and that’s all that matters. I hold her hand as I sing and hope that one day she finds the happiness she deserves. As I’m finishing the song I hear someone at the door and its Mr. Preston and the doctor. I kiss her on the forehead and a single tear drops on her face. I know once I walk out the door I will never be back. I walk out and see Tommy still in the waiting room.
"Tell her I never came to see her, it's for the best." He nods and I walk out. I might be alive, but without her, I’m dead on the inside. The only reason I have to go on is knowing I will still love her forever and even then I will find a way to keep on loving her. I know one day she will not love me anymore and I deserve that. She deserves all the good things in life, something I couldn't give her. Our time together was short, but in that time she imprinted herself on my soul, and that will stay with me for a lifetime.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I think I can hear Rayne singing but everything hurts, especially my head. I try to open my eyes, they flutter and my vision is a little blurry. I feel goosebumps on my skin, He has to be here. I'm so confused, what's happening to me? My eyes are so heavy, they just won't open, but I keep trying. I can definitely hear voices now; it’s Tommy. I manage to get my eyes open enough for the blurriness to fade and find them all staring at me like they pity me. It all comes back in flashes; not in one complete memory, but in glimpses.
"Get out," I yell, even though it comes out as a whisper. I have disappointed the two people in my life that have been my constant support but I’m no longer their perfect Isabella. He ruined that for me and I want to hate him for it, but I can't. I love him. Neither of them leave the room and while I know the doctor is talking I can’t understand anything he is saying. Why do doctors try to use big fancy words no one understands, except my father? Finally the doctor leaves and my father follows him, more than likely to talk about me. Tommy is looking at me like he is going to lose his shit; I might as well get this over with.