by Jaye Cox
"Let me have it," I challenge him.
"You tried to kill yourself, Bells. This isn’t something to joke about. Did you think about me or your parents? And what it would have done to us if you had died? All for what, a guy you barely know? We love you, but this person you have become, I don't like her, I want my best friend back."
"For fuck’s sake. Do you hear yourself right now? Do you really think I would try to kill myself? Just get out! I roll over and face away from him. The tears start to fall, my heart hurts so bad and it’s beating so hard. A lump forms in my throat and my eyes burn from the tears, so I shut them and curl up into a ball.
Was I really expecting Rayne to be here? No, not really, we’re done. Doesn't mean it hurts any less. Maybe I was hoping he would be here with some big gesture to say how sorry he is. I want to ask if he was here, but surely they would have said something. He really must have meant every word he said. They should have just let me die, it would have saved me all this pain. Tommy sits down beside me.
“I’m sorry, don’t cry, Bells. You're too beautiful to cry, and it makes your face ugly."
He knows when he says that it’s my weakness, no matter how bad or shit I’m feeling. I open one eye and look at him.
"Pretty,” I correct him.
"Pretty what, Bells?"
"I'm too pretty to cry, not beautiful."
He laughs and lies down beside me, wiping my tears on his shirt. He doesn't say anything else, just holds me and strokes my hair while I cry.
My father comes back in my room and wants to talk. This can't be good, nothing good ever comes out of having a "talk" with Richard Preston. Tommy leaves to give us some privacy.
"Isabella, I don’t even know where to begin. I'm sorry, had I just made more of an effort with Rayne, maybe you wouldn't have wanted to end your life, maybe you would have come to me."
"Dad, this wasn't your fault, I didn’t mean to actually hurt myself” I say, patting the bed beside me for him to sit down. "Things happened last night dad that I really don’t want to discuss with you or anyone for that matter."
The look of disappointment is there, as much as he tries to mask it with sadness.
"Isabella, your mother and I booked you into a rehabilitation center to get some help and counseling. With the amount of drugs and alcohol you consumed you could have died, intentional or not." I just nod, once my father has made his mind up about something, he always gets his way. I have no energy left to fight him on this one, what’s the point? He won't admit it, but I know he is scared I might try to kill myself again. At this point in time I just want to be left alone, just lay here and feel numb and pathetic all by myself.
“I’m tired. Can I just sleep for now?"
"I’ll be back in a few hours. I put your stuff in the corner for you," he says and kisses me on the head.
"Thanks Dad. Tell Tommy I’m asleep. I want to be alone for now."
He agrees and leaves. I buzz the nurse and ask her to put my bag on the end of my bed. She seems really nice and doesn't look at me with sympathy, but with empathy. She makes some small talk and tells me if I want to talk and get anything off my chest, she is a good listener. I politely decline her offer and she says if I change my mind I know where to find her. I open my bag and instantly know I wasn't crazy, Rayne had packed it, his old shirt is on top, but why would he pack it if he wasn't going to be here? He also packed his iPod, when I plug in the earphones I see the new playlist he has put on there named Tiny Dancer’s New Girly Shit. I hit shuffle, curl up under the blankets and just cry. The playlist is our whole relationship in songs.
Halo by Beyoncé, Tiny Dancer by Elton john, a few songs by The Calling, Howie Day, Lifehouse, the song he sang when I lost my virginity, and the last song on the list is All Of Me by John Legend. We were supposed to be together forever, but I couldn't be what he wanted or needed. I listen to the song over and over again. I like thinking about us, I wish I never followed him, I wish I hadn't seen the things I had. Why would he want that life? It wouldn't be the drugs or the money, it has to be the women. Oh God - I’m that girl, you know the one who thinks she can train the bad boy and turn him into a monogamous house husband. What was I thinking? I hear a tap at the door and look up, my eyes are blurry and strained from crying so much. It's the guy from last night; I’m not sure what his name was, but I’m a little embarrassed, he’s seen me at my worst, and naked.
"Hi," he says, still standing at the door. He looks so much like Rayne. They have the same eyes, but his aren’t so dark like he is hiding something, his are full of life. He is lankier than Rayne and has a young James Dean look.
"Hey," I say back, hoping he will get to the point of why he is here, because I don't plan on rehashing what happened last night. I just want to pretend it never happened.
"Come in." I say, because his fidgeting at the door is making me uncomfortable.
"Um, I just thought I would bring your phone back, you dropped it on the beach."
"Thank you."
"You scared, me you know." he says looking down at his hands and picking at his nails.
"I would say I’m sorry, but I'm not. I am sorry you had to witness it though." He looks at me, and in that moment, I see the hurt and anger in his eyes, like I did in Rayne’s.
"I’ll tell ya, watching someone you love kill themselves is horrible. It’s not something you’d wish on your worst enemy, you leave them with questions. I found my mother the day she killed herself. Do you know how I felt, how I still feel? Empty, that’s how I feel. She left me, why would she want to leave me behind? Why was being with me not good enough? What could I have done to make her not do it? I beat myself up over it every day. I know you're in a bad place, because of something my brother’s done and it’s not my place to ask what, but just ask yourself; is putting your family through the funeral of a daughter or friend really worth it? You don't move on from that sort of loss, you just learn to live with the pain. Every now and then you have a good day where the good memories shine or something good happens and you forget for a split second. Don't let some asshole make you forget your self-worth, if you don't want to live for yourself right now, then live for your family."
I don't know what to say and when there is an awkward silence I usually say something stupid or inappropriate. "They’re sending me to a rehabilitation center, because of the drugs" I know it won't make it better for him, but I don't have anything else to say. I don’t want to explain to him or anyone else that I didn’t really want to die, I was drunk and high when everything just felt like it was collapsing and I couldn’t stop it.
"Can I come see you while you're there?" he asks.
"Why would you want to?" I question.
"Because I bet you don't want to talk to your parents or friends and I want to. I could use a friend. I don't have friends; everyone I know is only my friend hoping Razor would hook them up."
"Ok." How can I refuse that? The poor guy has no friends and I feel guilty after what he said about his mum and who knows, maybe we could be friends. He puts his number in my phone and hands it back to me. I see his name is Ty and a few more memories flash back. Ty asks me to text him when I know where they’re sending me, then he leaves. Just then Tommy comes walking in and I see his jaw clench.
"Why was he here, Bells?"
"He’s bringing me back my phone, why?"
"He gave you drugs."
"Tommy, I took the drugs, he didn't shove them down my throat. In his world it’s normal, but can we drop it?"
"Fine," he says. I figure now is as good a time as any to ask about Rayne. "Did he come here to see me?"
He shakes his head no. "Then how did my bag get here?"
“He dropped it off at my house. I never saw him, because I was here."
"Does he know?"
"Yes, I called him but he only said he would bring me your stuff, Bells."
"Can you just promise me if I ask about him again, you won't tell me anything, just tell me to shut up?"
<
br /> The rest of the day is a blur of doctors and nurses checking in, and making sure I am ready to be discharged. My father has been scary supportive, I haven’t seen him this much in the last year, and to be honest I think he’s just sending me to the rehab center so I can be watched since his job takes up so much of his time. I’m trying to put on a brave face for him, but inside I’m shattered into a million tiny pieces, with no idea how to put them back together. I only agreed to go so I don’t have to watch them worry about me. I need to be able to get upset, without them immediately thinking I will try to hurt myself again. If I cared, I would realize what I did was stupid, but I don't care. I can't erase the things I saw, and it makes me sick thinking about. How could I have been so inconsequential to him? Isn't this the part in the dream where you wake up, or the part in a bad movie you can stop watching if you don’t like it? It’s not a dream or a bad movie - it’s real.
I hate him, no, I loathe him, UGH, no, I still love him and that makes me want to hate him, to want to loathe him. How do you just stop loving the person who doesn't just have half your heart, but owns it? As much as it hurts, I don't want it back, I want him to keep it and remember how much he has hurt me. He always said love was not enough, was all this to just prove a point? I try to get some sleep after everyone leaves.
The doctors have given the all clear for my father to take me and I admit myself to the rehabilitation center since I’m nineteen and legally an adult.
I curl up in his shirt, close my eyes and listen to the iPod. I might have told Tommy I didn't want him talking to me about Rayne anymore even if I beg, but I'm not ready to let him go - I just can't. Have you ever been so in love it makes you crazy and makes you do or say crazy things? Well, that’s how I justify my actions. Before I go to bed something inside me makes me try to call him but it goes straight to voicemail. When I log into Facebook and I ignore all the messages and notifications, but see Rayne is no longer listed as in a relationship with me. I search him and find he has blocked me. It's like a kick in the gut that knocks the wind right out of me. He really doesn't want me anymore. I even send messages to Sam, Dex, Morris and Romeo, hoping they still want to be my friend. I tell them I’m going away for a few weeks and I don't want to come between their relationship with Rayne, so I won’t ask if they won’t tell.
Who am I kidding? I'm like a junkie waiting for my next hit. I wish I could just know he is okay. How sick is that? With everything he has said and done, all I want to do is make sure he is okay. I close my eyes and wish everything would just go away, all the pain, hurt and sadness - I just want to be free of it all.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I wish I could say things went smoothly when I got to Sky Oaks Rest and Rehabilitation Center, but it would be a total lie. I spent the first week crying and refused to leave my room; I’m pretty sure they doped me up on sedatives just to make me stop. I wasn't allowed visitors until I started participating in group therapy and started seeing a counselor. It wasn’t until the second week in that I started to cooperate. I played along but didn't talk as I had nothing I cared to share, feeling like a shell of myself. Since I turned up to group therapy, they let me call one person for a supervised visit. I think they were trying some form of reverse psychology on me. They tell us how important family and friends are, but I have no interest in seeing my father or Tommy I’m still not ready to see that look of pity and disappointment, so I call Ty.
"Hello," a female voice answers and I think I dialled the wrong number.
"Hi. Could I talk to Ty, please?"
"Can I ask who’s calling?"
"It’s Isabella."
"Ty!” she yells like a banshee, “Some chick named Isabella is on the phone." I hear him call out he’s coming.
"Isabella, are you still there?" he asks a little out of breath.
"Yep. So, they say since I’ve been a good girl, I can have my first visitor."
"Are you sure you want me as your first visitor? You don't want to see your family?"
"Nope, so do ya wanna too come or not?"
"Of course I do. Where did they take you?” he asks. I can hear him rumbling around for a pen.
"Sky Oaks."
"Ah, the rest and rehab centre for the rich & famous kids," he laughs and it reminds me of Rayne. How sad, am I making friends with his little brother so I can hold on to Rayne somehow? Small things about Ty remind me of Rayne. Their eyes and laugh are almost identical.
"Yep, that’s the one. My parents are loaded. They said I can have a visitor at ten on Friday morning, if that’s a good time for you?"
"I’ll see you then," he says and we hang up the phone.
I actually feel strangely settled for the first time in nearly two weeks. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like shit and Rayne Hollywood still consumes my every thought; I re-run everything good and bad that has happened in our relationship through my head, and think maybe if I had not been so quick to want to move in, maybe I’d have been enough for him. Maybe if I tried more new things, I would have been enough for him. Nothing I come up with could have possibly made me enough for him. I head to group therapy, so I don't lose my privilege of a visit. There are five of us in this group, plus Phillip our counsellor. He’s nice enough, although a bit chatty for my liking. He asks Rebecca to share; she’s a fifteen-year-old cutter with an addiction to her mother’s pills. I zone out when she talks, her voice is whiny and I just don't care how much she loves One Direction. After her is Maci; and I don't honestly think there is anything wrong with her aside from the fact she’s a lesbian with overly Christian parents, who think sending her here will cure her. It’s amazing how money can influence people. She is here because she is addicted to food apparently, but she isn't overweight. I would guess a size twelve maybe fourteen. Out of sight - out of mind if you ask me. I feel sorry for her, having parents like that; my father seems like a saint in comparison. Next is Jake who loves to smoke pot and he even tells them, as soon as they let him out he won't quit because he doesn't want to. Then you have Scott/Scarlett, the transvestite with a sex addition, and the only person here I actually like. He likes to be referred to as Scarlett. Once it’s my turn they all look at me. Scarlett looks at me through her massive fake lashes; she has never pushed me to talk, but maybe it’s time.
"Fine. As you all know I'm Isabella, he called me his Tiny Dancer. This year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. If you asked me a year ago if I would have seen my life like this, I would’ve laughed in your face. I was a good girl until I met Rayne Hollywood. I fell in love. Actually I didn’t fall, I ran and tripped, then drowned in love. It wasn’t your hearts and flowers love. It was your tragic Romeo and Juliet love. It was raw and real. He made me feel human, he made me love, he made me hate and he made me want to die because I loved him so much. Maybe it was all my fault. He told me he was the bad guy; he told me he couldn’t change - he wouldn’t change, but I believed if I could only love him enough but love wasn’t enough. The tears are just pouring out, Scarlett holds my hand and gives me a hug telling me it’s okay, and to keep going.
"I keep asking myself did I really want to die, I don’t think I did, but for a tiny moment I didn’t care; it was just like my whole world came crashing down all at once. I was drowning in how much I loved him. When I saw him with another woman it killed me - and then to treat me like those whores... what was the point? I think I knew from the first time he looked at me things wouldn’t end well. But I didn’t care, or maybe I didn’t want to care. Our world moved so fast at some point I lost myself. Losing him was hard, but losing myself has been what I imagine death to be like.
Dark.
Lonely.
Isolating.
Terrifying.
Since I nearly drowned I haven’t been willing to admit I was lost and I know I wasn’t ready to be found. I still don't know if I’m ready. I know my father thinks I’m some drug addict or alcoholic since that night I was wasted, but I'm not. I just needed to forget, I needed my brain to stop
thinking and before that night, I had never done drugs and never really gotten drunk, not to that point anyway, until the day I met Rayne, but that's another story for a different day."
Holy shit, I have no idea where that all came from. I just bared my soul to a room full of strangers that are all just as messed up as I ’m, possibly more so. Scarlett grabs me in a huge hug.
"Thanks for sharing," Phillip says. Once group is over, I say goodnight to everyone, and find Phillip smiling at me. "Well played, Phillip," I call out over my shoulder on the way out the door. Yep, he got me; I actually do feel better, even if I’m emotionally drained. I go to bed with a small weight off my shoulders.
I wake up and feel really bad, my stomach is churning, so I skip all activities today and just sleep. I need to be better for Ty’s visit and when I ask for something they’ll only let me have Panadol. Two weeks cannot come fast enough. I only signed myself in voluntarily for one month, and I don’t plan to stay a day longer. It really does suck here. I miss my freedom but it will make my father happy, just goes to show old habits die hard. I’m grateful my parents have money; I have my own room with a TV and mini fridge. I scroll through the TV guide and find Billy Maddison is on, I love that movie. Tommy and I have watched it so many times, it’s our go to movie when we do movie nights. I miss Tommy a lot. Being here has made me realize how much I rely on him, and at nineteen I need to start standing on my own two feet. As Phillip says, I need to learn to love myself. I had never really thought about it before; I have never hated myself but have spent so long pleasing other people that I have not done anything for myself. Once I’m out of here, I plan on finding myself a place to live that I can call my own. With the inheritance from my grandparents, plus the money I know my parents will add to it, especially my mum since she feels guilty for never being around. I will have more than enough to set myself up. The day passes by quickly when you sleep most of it away, and I wake up around dinnertime. Thinking I should try eat something, I make some vegemite toast then venture back to my room.