Fire In His Eyes

by Nightingale, MJ

  I called her because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have put it past him to drive up and see me to check on me. When she answered, I could hear him in the background, “Is it her?”

  “Yes, it’s her,” Kat snapped. “Now be quiet so I can talk to her a second. We were really worried about you, Monica, especially Victor. I am glad you called. He was planning on driving up there if you didn’t call in the next ten minutes.”

  “Well, I’m home now. It took me awhile, I had to stop a couple of times, keep falling apart, you know,” I sniffled, “but I just got in,” I answered truthfully the tears still falling silently.

  She didn’t ask me to elaborate. She probably could guess at the truth. “I’m glad you are home safe. We all are. And, I wanted to apologize to you, Monica. I hope I didn’t set that whole thing off down there, but I felt Victor needed a reality check.”

  “No, Kat. It’s all right. I had been thinking those things, and hopefully you saying it, then me saying it will get him to see the truth. I love him, Kat. Tell him I said that. With every fiber of my being. Okay? But tell him I meant the other things, too. He’ll know what I mean.” I clutched the phone to my ear.

  “I’ll tell him, sweetie. He loves you, too. He does. You take care, and I hope this idiot doesn’t blow it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to him, and if he doesn’t realize it, I’m going to kick his ass. Hang in there, okay?” she said. I could hear the sympathy in her voice.

  “I will, and if he doesn’t come for me, Kat,” I choked up, “well, I want you to know that I liked you, and all of Victor’s friends. You and Joe be happy. Goodbye.” I held the phone to my ear to hear her final words.

  “Goodbye, Monica. Talk to you soon, I hope.” And, with that she hung up. I cradled my cordless phone back onto the receiver softly, and climbed into my bed with my clothes still on. I had a good long cry for all I that might lose. Please, Victor! I prayed. Pick me, pick us.

  The next day, I woke somber, tired, and drained physically and emotionally, but I was determined not to be miserable and allow myself to waste away as I had done the last time Victor and I broke up. I went for my run, as usual, and had a decent breakfast of juice, toast, and coffee. I wasn’t going to wallow in self-pity in my home, either, so I forced myself to go outside and enjoy the beautifully seasonable crisp fall day. I went outside and did some much needed weeding, pulling out all the dead plants and flowers, and annuals that had rotted to nothing in my rock garden. It felt good to be doing something like this, almost symbolic. Getting rid of the dead, the weeds, the things that destroyed, to make room for new growth in the spring when I could plant again.

  I heard a car pull up in the driveway and felt a moment of fear before I shook that thought away, and wandered around to the front of my house to see my sister and Teddy get out of her SUV. When she saw me, she waved a bag of bagels and yelled for me to take a break because it looked like I needed one. I was covered in dirt from my waist to my feet.

  I went inside, changed quickly, and made a fresh pot of coffee for them as she laid out the bagels and cream cheese. I was surprised it was past noon. I had been out in the yard a lot longer than I had thought-- since nine that morning.

  “So, what did I do to get the pleasure of your company, both of you on this beautiful Sunday?” I joked. With Teddy there, I didn’t want to burst into tears or make a scene. I had only spent a few hours with him, here and there, when Ana surprised me with one of their visits.

  “Nothing special, Monica. I wanted to check in with you since the last time we spoke. And, we were out getting bagels because Teddy wanted to eat something?” Ana said putting the fixings in her coffee.

  “Yeah, anything!” he cracked. “Your sister keeps absolutely nothing in the house. I couldn’t even find a jar of pickles. The only thing she had in the refrigerator was a bottle of vodka, some olives, and a Chinese take-out container that must have been three weeks old.” Teddy reached and grabbed two bagels, and began spreading on a generous amount of cream cheese.

  I laughed. “If you want to eat at Ana’s place, you will have to do the cooking and the shopping,” I informed him. The woman lived on take-out, coffee, and iced tea.

  “Hey, if he was willing to eat anything, I would have found something for him,” she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. I laughed at her usual crudeness. “But, he said, hey woman, let’s get bagels, so here we are.”

  Teddy laughed at her joke, and then responded. “If you expect me to keep my performance levels up, woman, I have to eat,” he complained and then added, “Food.” He must have seen her start to open her mouth for a quick comeback when he added that. I guess he was used to her crudeness, too. That was quick thinking on his part.

  Ana reached over and patted his hand. “I used to not spend much time at home, but things change. I’ll shop for you, baby,” she crooned. It was such a sweet gesture and a shot of envy went right through me. If only Victor and I could be this open and have such simple disagreements.

  “Thanks, Babe,” he said and caught her hand and kissed it.

  My eyebrows shot up. Was this my sister, this domesticated creature willing to shop for her man? I shook my head in bewilderment, but I was happy for her. Teddy seemed like a really nice guy, and she was definitely at ease with him. She never brought guys around. I hoped she had finally found what she had been looking for. They were so affectionate with each other, and I had never seen her be that way with another guy before either. I took that as another good sign.

  Turning to me, she asked, “So Monica, how are things going with the Victor situation?” For her to ask me, in front of Teddy, said a lot. She had obviously filled him in as he gazed at me with sympathy.

  “I went last night to his friend, Joe’s retirement party. And, I met Victor’s daughter,” I told her.

  “You did!” she was surprised.

  “Yes, she was beautiful, Ana. She was sweet and I think we could have been friends,” I replied and released a sigh.

  There was awe in her expression and then concern. “Could have?” she asked trying to read me.

  I shook my head in resignation. “The night did not end well. We had a fight.” I left it at that. I didn’t want to tell her about the incident with Rick and the almost fight, or the ultimatum I had given Victor. I would tell her another time. I was still too drained from the night of crying.

  “A fight?” she inquired.

  “Yes, Ana. And I will tell you about it. Just not right now. And, it is not because you’re here, Teddy,” I said looking at him. “It’s just that it would hurt too much to relive it all right now.”

  “I understand,” Teddy said and patted my hand sympathetically, “But if you want me to go outside while you and Ana talk, I can.”

  That was sweet of him to offer, but the truth was I was too raw to talk about it today. “No, Teddy. That’s all right. I will talk to Ana soon, just not now.”

  Ana piped in, “Well, when you are ready. I am here.”

  “I know, Ana. You always are and always have been.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly to let her know I would be okay for now.

  They both stayed for a bit longer and we chatted about an upcoming trip they were planning to take to Las Vegas. It was nice, and I felt better for it. They were good together. I hadn’t seen my sister this happy in a long, long time.

  And although I was happy for her, it made me think about all I had lost with Victor, and all we could have if he could just see it.

  In the next two weeks, I threw myself into my workouts with a vengeance and the running, too. I had my first ever marathon, and 5K in a few days after Thanksgiving, so it was a good distraction. The nights were harder. Although I managed to cope through the days, and keep myself busy with work, grading papers, writing lessons, and eating properly, the nights were hard. After dinner and some light cleaning, I found myself sitting by the telephone waiting for a call I hoped would come, but as day after day passed, my doubts and fears grew by leaps and bounds.


  I would watch reruns of Friends, and programs on the History Channel imagining that Victor was doing the same thing, imagining him here beside me. So many times, I almost caved and reached for the phone to tell him to forget everything I said and that I would wait the month. To tell him, I would wait for him, forever. I felt so pathetic in those moments. But then the other part of me would tell myself, that I needed to know. I needed to be sure he had chosen me, and had not settled for second best in his eyes.

  I dreamed of him, too. Every night. He haunted my dreams. Sometimes in those dreams he came to me with open arms telling me all those words I wanted so desperately to hear, and other times those dreams were nightmares, nightmares in which he never called at all.

  The day before my big race, my sister came by to wish me well, she had been planning to come cheer me on, but Teddy’s mom had taken ill and was in the hospital and she needed to be there for him. I would run this race alone with no one to cheer me on. My mom was out of town this weekend. After spending Thanksgiving with her and Tom yesterday, they had travelled to see his kids in Connecticut. But Ana could tell by my face that I was really upset. I had not confided in her yet about what had happened at Joe’s retirement part, and she had been respecting my wishes to not have to relive it. But she was worried, I could see it her face. She could tell that I had not been sleeping and she had so wanted to support me in this race. So, I broke down and I finally told her about that last night with Victor and all my restless nights since.

  “Oh, sweetie,” she cried with me. “He’ll call. He has to.”

  “I don’t think he will,” I cried into her shoulder. “It’s been nearly two weeks and I gave him that ultimatum. I wish I could take it all back.”

  “If he doesn’t call, darling,” she said as she stroked my hair and tried to soothe me, “Call him. If you love him and he loves you, and I do think he does, he really does, you can forgive him. Love is precious, and you shouldn’t deny him or yourself from experiencing it.”

  “But that means he loves her more,” I continued sobbing.

  “No it doesn’t, you silly girl. It just means he is a man, a man with a lot of pride that has been fixated on this plan of his to keep the perfect family. So what if he doesn’t realize it now. He will come to realize it and know that you are his one true love,” her words soothed me, and gave me some hope.

  “Do you really think so? I asked.

  “Yes, I really do,” she paused. “Give him these two more weeks, baby girl, if that makes you feel better. But then you call him. I say to hell with that ultimatum. Don’t be foolish like him, and don’t let pride, yours or his, keep getting in the way of a lifetime of happiness.”

  Pride. It was as simple as that. I loved my sister. As I contemplated those words later on that night, a warm glimmer of hope sparked to trembling life within my heart. I was risking too much, risking it all by waiting for him to make the choice to choose me. I needed to go after what I wanted, and I wanted him. I wanted him in my life more than I had ever wanted anything, or ever would. I chose him. I would call him and tell him he could have those four weeks, two now, but I would wait. And, if at the end of those two weeks he didn’t want me anymore, well, then I would worry about that later.

  It was after one o’clock when those thoughts came to me. The clarity of it all seemed so simple. I chose him, and I had to let him know. I got out of my bed, my heart pounding. I began to pace thinking about what I would say. There was hope for us. It was a Friday, and I was sure he would be up, but not sure he would answer his phone or be in a place he could hear it. I couldn’t wait. I had to do this now. I grabbed my phone off the charger and called Victor on his cell.

  And it rang, and rang, and rang. Then it went to voicemail. I didn’t want to leave a voice mail message, so I waited five minutes, and called again. Again, it rang and then went straight to voice mail. What the hell! Maybe he hadn’t charged it, or it was off, or he couldn’t hear it. A small doubt sprang. Maybe he saw it was me and didn’t want to talk. No, he would answer if he saw it was me. I was sure, almost. Fear began to trickle through my veins. I had my decision and I wasn’t going to back out now. In a panic and not thinking about the time, I tried the house phone just to be sure, maybe Kat knew something.

  She answered the phone on the third ring, and I was relieved to hear her voice. I hoped I hadn’t woken her, but I was a woman on a mission.

  “Hi Kat, it’s me, Monica, is Victor there?” I asked in a rush to find out what was going on.

  “Yeah, he is here, but . . .” her voice trailed out in confusion.

  “But what?” I cut her off.

  “He’s sl-sleeping,” she informed me. “What’s the matter, you sound like you are panicking over something. Are you okay?” she asked, her worry clearly apparent.

  I rushed right in. “It’s just that I tried his cell phone twice, and when he didn’t pick up, I started to wonder why, then I got scared, but now I feel stupid because his cell battery probably just died or something, and he forgot to charge it,” I rambled on.

  “No, I heard it ring, just a few minutes ago and about five minutes before that which must have been you,” she stated and then continued, “But before you panic again or jump to any conclusions, let me explain.”

  “Please do,” I inserted. I had begun to make assumptions when she told me he was there but hadn’t answered.

  “Well first of all I am glad you called because lover boy has been having a hell of a time these past two weeks. He’s getting into fights, breaking things when he gets mad, and every other day it seems he is drinking himself into a stupor. Because of you, I might add. He loves you, Mon. He’s told you that. He has even figured out that he doesn’t really love his wife anymore, it’s just this idealized vision he has that he can’t let go of, you know.” I heard her sigh, and then she continued. “So anyway, after work today he and the guys went for a drink, and they dragged him home at ten o’clock already wasted blathering on about how he was going to lose the best thing to ever happen to him. He has been passed out in his room for the past three hours sleeping it off. He probably just didn’t hear the phone.”

  “Oh, Thank God,” I muttered as my fear dissipated, but was replaced by the sad fact that I had hurt him so much. That my ultimatum and threats, said in the heat of an argument, had hurt the man I loved so deeply that he had been just as tortured as I these past two weeks, if not more.

  “So, what’s up, Monica? What has you calling ‘sleepy head’ in a panic at one o’clock in the morning? I’d offer to wake him up for you if I thought I could,” she told me.

  “No, Kat. Let him sleep. But when he wakes up tell him this, okay? I want you to tell him that I love him and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. Tell him I choose him!” I cried as I began to sniffle into the phone. “I gave him an ultimatum, Kat. And I regret it so much. It was the dumbest thing I could have ever done.”

  “Not dumb, Monica, but not smart either. But the rest, well, that is fantastic. I’ll be happy to pass along your message in the morning when he wakes up, unless you want to do it?” she asked.

  I had the race tomorrow and I didn’t want to make him wait. I wanted him to know the moment he woke up. I didn’t want to prolong his self-inflicted torture and the agony I had caused a moment more. “Umm, actually I am doing a marathon tomorrow in St. Pete,” I informed her, “And I need to go finish the registration and stuff early, so you can tell him and as soon as he is awake. I don’t want him to suffer anymore because of me. I love him so much. I’ll never hurt him again. I swear Kat. I won’t. Tell him that as soon as I get back in my car after the race, I’ll call him,” I begged of her.

  “Okay, I will tell him. I’ll tell him everything. Monica, this is great. You guys are perfect for each other. I will be thrilled and honored to tell him. I am so glad you called. Everything is going to work out,” Kat said excitedly. “You will be so happy together, Monica. I am so thrilled one of you came to your senses.” She was lau
ghing, and choked up at the same time. I was too. I had finally come to my senses.

  “Me, too, Kat. Tell him I love him, and give him a kiss for me,” I cried. “I love that man so much my heart feels like it is going to explode.” I had hope again.

  “I’ll tell him, Monica. Don’t you worry. I’ll tell him everything you said. Now go to bed, and get some rest for that big race of yours, so that you can be sleeping in that man’s arms tomorrow night,” she laughed.

  “Yes, Sergeant,” I teased. “Good night, Kat. And thank you again.” Maybe, I would be sleeping in his arms. I thought I might. I had hope.

  “You’re welcome. Good night, Monica, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then we both hung up.

  I went to bed with my heart feeling lighter than it had in months.

  Saturday dawned bright and early, and although the race didn’t start until noon, registration was from eight until eleven. There would be many racers needing to register. I needed to rise with the sun if I wanted to get there, register, and familiarize myself with the route. The drive to St. Petersburg was nearly two hours, but I also wanted to get in a soak in the tub for my muscles to relax before the big day ahead.

  Even though I had barely five hours of sleep I felt refreshed. I thought about Victor while soaking and felt in my heart that things could work out for us. I was sure he would accept my apology, and hopefully we could see each other soon. I made some toast, had oatmeal for the carbohydrates and the extra energy I would need today, and some orange juice. I was in my SUV by seven thirty and on my way. As I drove, I listened to a weekend radio program that had me laughing and smiling. I was in great spirits. I was excited about this race and even more excited about hearing from Victor. I had really come along way, from recluse to fitness buff, to a woman not afraid to try anything. This race, to me, was proof that I had come a long way, and I could make it to the finish line. And then the race was over, well, then there was Victor.