by Taylor Dean
The sound of him releasing his breath, long and slow, tangled across the airwaves. “It’s okay, Chloe, I understand.” He sounded disappointed and remote. They were both distancing themselves from each other and she hated it.
“I’m sorry, Jack.”
“Me too.”
The line went dead.
All ties with Jack Alexander were officially severed.
≈
Gwen and her daughters didn’t leave her alone for one single day, just as Jack had done after Mark had left. Chloe sometimes wondered if Jack had put them up to it, and she was pretty sure he had. But they were so sincere in their efforts, so relentless in their desire to be there for her, that Chloe couldn’t help but appreciate them. Above all, Chloe knew they were doing it because they wanted to and that made all the difference. Their kindness kept her afloat. Gwen invited her to the house several times. Chloe declined. She finally explained that going to the house held far too many memories of Jack and would be too painful. Gwen understood.
Chloe daydreamed of Jack constantly, imagining all sorts of different scenarios. Every single situation had to do with Jack returning to her while professing his everlasting love. She imagined the doorbell ringing incessantly as if the visitor was impatient and excited. She imagined opening the door and finding her towheaded beach bum, grinning from ear to ear. Then his smile would fade and his eyes would turn intense, smoldering with desire. He’d walk forward and take her into his arms with no hesitation. His lips would immediately burn into hers, as he walked her backwards until they hit the wall, where he’d continue to kiss her feverishly, his body pressed against hers. “I can’t stay away from you, Chloe. I just can’t,” he’d whisper.
But it never happened.
It didn’t stop her from dreaming of his passionate embrace, of imagining the two of them floating in the pool for a midnight swim, of thinking about the two of them in Jack’s dream house, making love in every single room.
Renee called one afternoon, hurt that Chloe hadn’t phoned in awhile.
“I’m sorry about you and Mark. I’d really hoped you two would work things out. You’re perfect for each other.”
Chloe hadn’t told Renee about Jack. The news would’ve upset her and Chloe wasn’t prepared to answer the barrage of questions Renee would’ve aimed at her.
Presently, she was glad. Explaining their current situation would’ve been awkward at best.
“I’m so proud of you, Chloe. You’re doing so well. You’ve really moved on with your life and I couldn’t be happier.”
“Thanks, Renee.”
Chloe hoped that when Renee moved back to the States next year, they would resume their close relationship. She missed her big sister.
“You’re not going to believe this, but I have news,” Renee announced, sounding depressed.
“What is it?” Chloe asked, hoping everything was okay.
“I’m pregnant again.”
Chloe felt the familiar pain grip her heart. Somehow she managed, “That’s wonderful news, Renee.”
“Not really. My youngest child is eight and now I’m gonna be changing diapers again. I thought I was done having children.”
Chloe didn’t know what to say. She felt happy for Renee, yet she was envious—and angry that Renee couldn’t see the wonderful gift she’d been blessed with. “I’m happy for you,” she said quietly.
“I can’t believe I’m having another child. You want this one?” Renee said with a laugh.
At Chloe’s silence, Renee apologized. “I’m sorry, Chloe. That was a thoughtless thing to say.”
“It’s all right,” she said, even though it wasn’t.
“No, it’s not. I know I always say the wrong thing. Is there a right thing to say? I’m sorry, Chloe. You’re my baby sister and I love you. I wish I could make everything better. I want to so much. Instead I call you and put my foot in my mouth every time.”
Chloe felt her eyes sting with tears. “It doesn’t matter, Renee. I appreciate how hard you’ve tried to be there for me. You’ve never given up on me and I know you are always there for me. I’ll never forget that.” Renee might have said the wrong things, but at least she tried. She called on a regular basis and always wanted to know how Chloe was doing.
“Love you, bobby wister,” Renee said.
Chloe smiled at the childhood term. Instead of baby sister, Renee had always called her “bobby wister.” That was baby talk for baby sister. Renee was ten years old when Chloe was born, but she’d loved to speak in baby talk, much to the annoyance of their mother and father. With Renee as an example, her mother always said it was a miracle Chloe ever learned how to talk.
Chloe broke down then and everything came spilling forth, the entire sordid story that was her life. Renee listened to every word in silence, not saying a single negative comment.
When she finally finished, Renee said, “Jack sounds like an amazing man, Chloe. Hang onto him.”
Chloe felt surprised at her reaction. Renee had always been a huge fan of Mark.
They ended their phone call on a positive note, both in tears, and both promising to do a better job at keeping in touch.
In spite of Renee’s “difficult to hear” news, Chloe was thankful they had renewed their relationship.
Then Chloe began to have nightmares. They hounded her and she couldn’t escape them. Her nights were filled with tortured images of Jack and Taryn together—dancing across her psyche as if they were the nightly feature.
In the first nightmare, she was out shopping and she ran into Jack and Taryn, laughing in the baby section as they held up cute little baby outfits. Jack’s hands ran over Taryn’s belly lovingly and he leaned down and kissed her bulging tummy.
Chloe awoke covered in a cold sweat, gasping for air.
The next night, the nightmare was even worse. Chloe saw Jack and Taryn in a restaurant, sitting across from each other while holding hands. Taryn’s other hand glided over her huge baby bump proudly. Jack presented her with a small gift. Taryn opened it to find a cute pair of baby booties. He leaned across the table and kissed her, not a peck, but a full on passionate kiss. Chloe approached the table and said, “Jack, what are you doing?” His eyes landed on her as if she wasn’t there, as if he could see right through her, with no recognition in his expression whatsoever.
She was unable to go back to sleep after that one.
The nightmares continued, featuring all sorts of random scenarios…Jack and Taryn walking out of a store, proudly pushing a brand new stroller.
Jack and Taryn holding hands, strolling through a park with Jack proudly carrying their precious little bundle in a carrier strapped to his chest.
Jack and Taryn making love in every room of HER house, swimming in her pool at midnight, lounging on her rooftop deck, and sleeping in the bed meant for her and Jack.
During one nightmare she stood in Jack’s house wearing nothing but a nightgown, looking like a ghostly apparition. She screamed Jack’s name over and over, desperately trying to get his attention.
He never acknowledged her. He looked right through her as if she were invisible, completely indiscernible to the human eye. She observed Jack’s life with Taryn like a voyeur, every moment sweet torture. She watched as they oohed and aahed over their baby, the blissfully happy family.
Constantly thinking of Jack, Taryn, and baby was not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Chloe couldn’t take it anymore. If she didn’t act, if she didn’t do something, she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Jealousy consumed her and was quite literally eating her alive.
It was time to do something solely for herself.
≈
Chloe held the travel itinerary in her hands, greatly looking forward to some alone time; time to think, time to ponder, time to decompress, and time to rejuvenate.
It was the right decision for her at this time in her life. If she didn’t do something for herself for a change, she was going to explode.
A hesitant knock o
n the door interrupted her packing. Distracted, Chloe answered the door without bothering to see who it was first.
Mark stood on her doorstep, looking a little uncertain. Chloe wished she could turn back time and pretend she wasn’t home. She didn’t feel like facing Mark today. Trepidation filled her soul. What did he want?
“Hi Mark.”
“May I speak with you, Chloe?” he said without preamble.
So much for uncertainty. His soft voice melted her insides, but she didn’t let it show.
Feeling boxed into a corner, Chloe replied, “Sure, c’mon in.” It felt odd to invite Mark into the home that once belonged to him, as if he was just some random visitor.
“How are you, Chloe?” he asked, his eyes glued to hers.
Did he know about her and Jack? “I’m fine, thanks,” she answered formally. She wasn’t about to unload her problems with her love life on her ex.
“I hear Jack and Taryn are back together,” he started.
Yep, he knew.
“And expecting a baby,” he said, not wasting any time at getting right to the point. “I know that must be hard on you.”
A lone tear slipped down her cheek at the thought and she swiped it away angrily.
Chloe knew there wasn’t any logical way to explain the complicated story to Mark. He wouldn’t understand Jack’s impetuous actions. “Yes,” she muttered, looking down at the floor.
“I’m sorry about that. I guess things didn’t work out between you and Jack,” Mark said, asking the begged question without really asking.
Chloe didn’t want to share the details, so she shrugged.
Mark nodded understandingly. “It’s okay, you don’t have to share all the particulars with me.”
I wasn’t going to.
Mark’s eyes wandered around the room. “I miss this house, Chloe. I even miss how spotlessly clean it is. I never appreciated your efforts until I had to live without you. Taryn has got to be the biggest slob I’ve ever met. Her clothes were all over the hotel room, her make up all over the bathroom counter. It was…” Mark stopped short, perhaps realizing how inappropriate his comments were.
“I don’t want to hear about Taryn, Mark,” Chloe stated firmly.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I mentioned it. Guess I’m nervous.”
“Why would you feel nervous? It’s just me.”
“I feel nervous because I want you back, Chloe,” he said suddenly, as if he had to blurt it out right now or he’d never get another chance. “I couldn’t help but compare Taryn with you all the time, and you know what? She came up short in every single aspect.” Mark walked towards her, until they were face to face and Chloe gasped. His eyes were intense, burning into hers with fiery emotion. “I love seeing the old you come back to life. I miss everything about you. I miss coming home to a perfectly clean house, I miss your home-cooked meals, I even miss sitting next to you while watching TV, knowing that your quiet strength is close by. Just knowing you’re near is enough for me. I miss your big, brown eyes greeting me in the morning as I wake up, I miss watching you brush your teeth in your obsessive way, and I miss hearing your soft snore at night. Yes, you snore in a cute little feminine way and I love it. I miss making dinner for you when you’re not feeling well, and I miss the sound of your laughter. I miss the way you used to kiss me with so much feeling that you always left me breathless. Most of all, I miss witnessing your utter devotion to our child. I do. I miss it. I miss it because I know you love deeply and I love that about you. I miss us, Chloe. I always have.”
And with that, Mark pressed his lips to hers.
He felt good, familiar. Chloe didn’t resist. It was Mark, her husband, the father of her child, the man she’d loved for several years. She knew him inside and out. Stepping back into their old life felt like slipping into an old, worn out pair of the most comfortable pajamas she owned. Comfortable and safe. Easy and secure.
Chloe ended the kiss abruptly and took a step away from Mark, staring into his eyes; eyes that were filled with sincerity.
“Let’s forget the past year and start fresh. Give me a second chance, Chloe. Please,” he said, his voice so silky she felt a little dizzy.
Jack’s own words echoed in her mind.
I’m not saying that what he’s done is right, I’m just saying that there may be some people who would agree that Mark has acted rashly because of overwhelming grief. Maybe he can be forgiven for going a little crazy.
Should she forgive Mark? Could she forgive Mark?
“I miss our old life too, Mark. I do,” she said softly, confusion gripping her.
All decision-related thoughts had been pushed to the back of Chloe’s mind. They could wait until after she’d had a day or two to relax. She had a flight to catch first thing in the morning. And here she was bathing suit shopping. Nothing like saving the single most important item of vacation attire until last.
Maybe she could casually drop by Jack’s house and ask for the perfect fitting bathing suit he’d bought her.
Chloe didn’t smile at her flippant thoughts. Thinking of Jack never made her smile anymore.
“Hi Chloe, you look wonderful. It’s soooo good to see you.”
Chloe turned to find herself face to face with Sue. She couldn’t help but smile. It really was good to see her. She’d missed her friend. They embraced tightly and Chloe felt the old camaraderie spark between them.
“I heard about you and Mark. I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
“Thanks, Sue.”
“I’ve missed you,” Sue said cautiously.
“I’ve missed you too,” Chloe replied.
“Oh Chloe, I’m so sorry for everything. I know I stopped calling you, but I just didn’t know what to say. I’ve never lost a baby and I don’t know how it feels and I was scared to say the wrong thing. It seemed better to just say nothing at all. You know?”
“I know, Sue. Don’t worry about it.”
“Really?” Sue asked, looking relieved. “Doug’s been wanting to see Mark too. Do you think Mark would want that?”
Sue’s husband, Doug, and Mark had always been good friends. “I’m sure he would.” Actually, it was news to Chloe that they hadn’t remained friends.
“Doug had a hard time seeing Mark during, well, you know, the pregnancy. Said he’d never seen a grown man cry like that before.”
Chloe swallowed. “Cry?”
“Yeah, not just cry, breakdown and sob. But I’m sure you never saw it. Doug said the moment you entered the room, Mark sucked it up. Acted like nothing was wrong. Mark didn’t want you to see him losing it.”
Stunned, Chloe nodded as if this wasn’t news to her. Mark had cried over Christopher? Not just cried, sobbed?
If only they’d cried together. So much heartache could’ve been avoided.
“We both…mourned in different ways,” Chloe said.
“Now that it’s over, let’s have lunch sometime and catch up, okay?” Sue asked.
Chloe didn’t bother reminding Sue that “it” would never be over. It was just a poor choice of words and she meant nothing by it. “I’d like that,” she said with a smile.
And she meant it.
≈
Chloe picked up flowers on the way home to place on Christopher’s grave. It was her last stop in preparation for vacation, the one thing she had to do before leaving town.
Her thoughts wandered around the recent revelation Sue had let slip.
Mark had cried over Christopher.
Why had he hidden everything from her? He’d hidden his worry, his stress, his elevated blood pressure, and even his tears. Perhaps he’d thought he needed to be strong for her. Instead, he hadn’t been there at all. Seeing him cry and mourn would’ve helped her to not feel so alone. She wished he’d understood that.
Her thoughts, when it came to Mark, were a hot mess. The latest disclosure didn’t help any, as a matter of fact it softened her heart towards him and left her feeling even more bewildered.
As Chloe approached Christopher’s grave, she noticed someone had placed something on his gravestone. The closer she got, the more in focus the object became.
It was a huge teddy bear with a bright yellow ribbon around his neck. A card was attached to the ribbon. Chloe held it between her fingers, scared to open it.
When she found the courage to see who it was from, she felt as though someone had stabbed her straight through the heart with a dagger.
It said, “Love, Dad.”
One month.
The longest month of his entire life. Jack hadn’t seen or spoken to Chloe for an entire month and it was killing him. It felt as though he’d been with Taryn for an eternity—and he hated every single minute of it.
She’d insisted that she was well enough to attend a party at her friend’s house this evening. And it did appear as though she was fine. He watched her in the crowd, socializing as if she’d never been sick at all.
She’d endured bed rest for nearly the entire month, while being waited upon by himself and a CNA he’d hired to stay with her during the day. The CNA had the patience of a saint as far as he was concerned.
“Jack, can you pull the covers up. I’m cold.”
“Jack, can you fluff my pillows, I just can’t seem to get comfortable.”
“Jack, will you brush my hair for me. I feel so weak.”
In true Taryn fashion, it was obvious she was milking the pregnancy for everything it was worth. While he had a great deal of sympathy for her condition, she acted more like a woman on her death bed than a nauseated pregnant woman.
But she did look healthy now. She’d put up with one week of IV fluids in the beginning, and had been improving steadily ever since. She’d gained weight and there were bright spots of red in her cheeks again. He consoled himself with the fact that she had her next check-up this week and he’d finally get to see his baby on the ultrasound screen. He looked forward to that moment, the first time he’d see his child. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would he or she favor himself or Taryn? In spite of everything, he found himself feeling more and more excited every day at the thought of a baby.
For the first time, he understood the significance of what Chloe had gone through. He was already in love with a child he’d never met or even seen. The overwhelming emotions had taken him a little by surprise. He couldn’t fathom the emotions Chloe must have experienced. His feelings were merely the tip of the iceberg. Chloe had endured the whole gamut.