by Taylor Dean
In that moment, Chloe knew what he was going to say. She collapsed onto her chair as her knees gave out. The room spun wildly as a wave of dizziness overcame her. Rising nausea made her take a sip from her water glass. Her hands shook as she swallowed a sob. “No,” she breathed. After all that he’d done…
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he tried to contain himself. “I came home from work early to take her to her doctor’s appointment. It was going to be the first ultrasound and I wanted to be there. You know what? I wanted to have a picture of my unborn child to carry around in my wallet. A small thing, but I was looking forward to it.” He exhaled sharply as if disgusted. “I wanted to see my baby moving on the screen. I wanted to see him come to life before my very eyes. I knew it would make him all the more real in my mind—and I hoped it would help Taryn too.”
Chloe swallowed the jealousy threatening to erupt. “Him?”
“Figure of speech.”
“Go on,” she whispered as tears trickled down her cheeks.
Jack’s eyes filled with tears, but none fell. “The afternoon didn’t go as planned. She was lying in bed, huddled into a ball, looking pale. I asked her why she wasn’t ready to go.” Jack stared down at the table, lost in thought. “She said, ‘Do you love me, Jack? Do you?’ I was a little surprised at her vehemence. Actually I was a little surprised by the question itself. I mean, she was the one who left me, after all. I reminded her of this fact. Oddly enough, she raged at me, ‘Do you think I don’t know you don’t love me? I’ve always known. You look at me with distaste, as if I’m something highly unpleasant.’ That took me back. Did my disillusionment show in my face? Did she know all along that I’d fallen out of love with her? I never suspected such a thing.” Jack massaged his temples as if he had a raging headache.
“I wasn’t expecting what happened next. She started to cry and said, ‘Why didn’t you come for me, Jack? Why? Why didn’t you fight for me?’ At first I had no idea what she meant. It took me awhile to realize she’d wanted me to follow her to the Bahamas. She wanted me to go after her, to fight for her.” He scoffed. “I can’t say the thought ever crossed my mind. Instead I sent her divorce papers; not exactly what she had in mind. I told her she had a strange way of showing me that she loved me; that running off with another man did not convey the message she’d hoped for. Quite the opposite in fact. I hugged her and apologized. I said, ‘We have a baby. Let’s make the most of what we do have.’ ”
Jack fell quiet for several moments as he stared past her, his eyes glassy. He scoffed derisively again before he continued.
“She tried to turn the hug into more and when I turned away from her, she yelled at me again. ‘See, you don’t love me. I knew it.’ I told her that we no longer had that kind of relationship. She said, ‘But we will, right Jack? That’s why you’ve come back to me. We are getting back together, Jack. Right?’ I didn’t need to say anything more. She knew the truth; that I was only there for the baby. She knew it all along, she just didn’t want to accept it. I never once gave her a reason to think differently. She’d purposely forced my hand and didn’t give me a choice in the matter, not if I wanted to see my baby live. Obviously she’d assumed it would be easy for us to get back together if we lived in the same house.” His voice lowered an octave. “She assumed a lot. I asked her to please get up and get ready for her doctor appointment. I told her we were going to be late if she didn’t hurry. And that’s when she dropped her bombshell. She enjoyed it too.”
Chloe shook her head with foreboding, unable to speak.
“She’d had an abortion the day before. She said if I wasn’t coming back to her, then there was no use for a baby.”
Chloe couldn’t hide her tears. Tears for Jack and tears for his child.
“She killed my baby, Chloe. She killed it,” Jack said as if he could hardly grasp the news. He still hadn’t come to terms with it, that much was obvious. He was grieving deeply, even if he didn’t realize it. His child had been very real to him.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to prevent tears. “I packed my suitcases and left, right then and there. There was absolutely no reason for me to stay any longer. I haven’t heard from her again, and I don’t expect to.”
Chloe absolutely couldn’t handle this news. It made her think of Christopher; the feeling of life moving inside of her, filled with vitality, fighting for a chance to live. She remembered the weight of him in her arms, the miracle of his tiny little body, and the undeniable feeling of his sweet presence.
The thought of Jack’s baby—his life cruelly cut short by the very person who should love him the most in this world—killed her.
Her face crumpled and a hard sob escaped. Overcome with emotion, she stood and went to Jack. They embraced so tightly she could barely breathe. She sobbed into his chest and felt his tears water the top of her head.
After fighting and hoping for a mere five minutes with her child, the concept of callously killing a child left her crazy with a wild sensation she could hardly contain. The two events combined in her mind and produced deep, heartrending sobs.
His grip on her was fierce, as if holding her would somehow erase his pain. They clung to one another tightly, a healing balm of an embrace.
“I’m so sorry,” Chloe breathed, knowing there was nothing she could say to make it better. She knew that all too well. “I’m so, so sorry,” she repeated several times.
“Me too,” he answered, sounding utterly defeated.
They stood there in their unrelenting hug, their arms an enclosure, keeping the world at bay. They gently rocked, providing much-needed comfort to one another.
It was as if his spirit had been crushed and her heart ached for him. Chloe hated seeing him like this. It was so unlike her cheerful Jack. Just like her, he would never be the same person after experiencing such an event. It would always haunt him and cause regret to fill his soul.
With her ear against his chest, she listened as his heartbeat slowed and the wave of raw emotion slowly ebbed.
“You made a huge sacrifice for your child,” Chloe said softly. “You once said to me, ‘There’s great comfort in knowing you did everything you could.’ And you did that, Jack. You couldn’t have done anything more. Find comfort in that thought.”
His head was tucked next to hers and his lips pressed against her forehead. “I couldn’t love her like she wanted me to,” he said, guilt lacing his tone.
“You did the best you could. The result is not your fault.”
“I wanted my child.” All of his pent-up raw emotion went into that single sentence.
“I know you did, Jack.” Chloe tightened her arms around him.
“It was so easy, so quick. A life extinguished, just like that. I’ll never understand how she could be so callous.”
“Your baby knows you wanted him, Jack. Don’t ever think differently.”
“Thank you, Chloe. I knew you’d understand. I’ve wanted to talk to you for days. You’re the only one who can bring me comfort.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.”
“No, don’t apologize. I know exactly why you couldn’t do it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t…”
“Please let me apologize.”
“There’s no need, Chloe. I was asking too much of you.”
A long silence ensued and Chloe had no idea how much time passed as they stood in their intense embrace. Neither she nor Jack made a move to end the contact. They were both content in each other’s arms.
“Jack? Chloe?”
They turned to find Harper staring at them hesitantly. “Um, Mom thought I should bring you dessert.”
She placed two plates with huge slices of chocolate cake on the table. “Thanks, Harper,” Jack told her.
Reluctantly, they parted and took their seats once more, sitting across from one another somberly. Neither one touched their dessert.
“I don’t really feel much like eating,” Jack
said.
“Me either.” Chloe pushed their plates to the side, taking away the distraction.
“Thanks for listening to me,” he said again. “I feel like a weight’s been lifted off me.”
She smiled at him a little tremulously. “You did the same for me and I’ll never forget it.”
He smiled back and the atmosphere in the room changed drastically, as if the sun had just come out.
They observed one another, hardly able to look away. His expression said it all.
“I couldn’t love her, Chloe…” he reiterated. “I couldn’t love her because…I’m in love with you.”
At first, Chloe said nothing, caught in his intense gaze like a deer in headlights. With a table full of dirty dishes between them, it seemed a strange place for a heart to heart. “We don’t have to do this now, Jack. It can wait.”
“No, it can’t wait. I can’t wait another second,” he said, his eyes glittering. “I have to say this now.”
Her heart began to pound painfully in her chest. She knew what was coming next.
He deliberately looked down, toying with a ring stuck halfway on his pinky finger. It was then she realized it was her engagement ring, and she gasped.
He said nothing for at least a full minute, then he slowly raised his eyes up to hers. He looked so unsure, so hesitant. It was obvious that he wasn’t confident of her response.
“If you can’t forgive me, I understand. No hard feelings. It was something I had to do.”
Again, tears dripped down her face unbidden. “Because of what you chose to do, I love you even more than I did before.”
He stilled. “You do?” He looked surprised. He hadn’t expected that reply.
“Yeah, I do. It’s been kinda tough, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a great deal of respect for your decision and that…I’m wildly in love with you.”
His eyes closed as if he felt great relief. “I don’t deserve you,” he returned.
“Let me be the judge of that,” Chloe insisted.
“I’m really sorry, Chloe.”
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” she quoted, knowing Jack needed a little humor right about now. She did too. The afternoon had turned maudlin and it was time for some happiness.
“I don’t believe that for a minute. Do you?” he asked.
“No, not really.”
“But, I do know that one. Love Story.”
She knew he wouldn’t be able to resist.
He surprised her by countering with, “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him…”
Chloe interrupted him. “Notting Hill. And you’re sitting.” She’d missed Jack and his weird penchant for movie quotes. She grinned widely. He’d need some time to recover from his loss, but everything really was going to be okay. “You had me at hello.” He really had too.
“Jerry Maguire.” Jack’s eyes danced with life. He enjoyed this kind of thing way too much. He quickly added, “You should be kissed and often, by someone who knows how.”
“Gone With the Wind.” How long could he keep this up? “You think that’s you, huh?”
“Oh, I know it’s me.”
He did know how to kiss, that’s for sure. “Kinda sure of yourself.”
He took a deep breath. “Ah, not so much.”
Chloe didn’t want him to plummet again. Thinking quickly, she said, “You complete me.”
“Jerry Maguire again. Think of something new.”
She sucked at this game. “It’s your turn.”
Without missing a beat, he said, “In a few hours, we loved a lifetime’s worth.”
“Terminator.” Her smile faded. “It wasn’t enough, Jack.”
“No, it wasn’t,” he agreed.
“I want the fairytale,” she told him.
“Pretty Woman. I told you, it’s impossible to stump me.”
“Quit stalling. It’s your turn again.”
“This is true love. You think this happens every day?” Jack said without hesitation.
“Princess Bride. I think that brings us back to the moment we met.”
“Chloe,” he said earnestly, “I love you. If you’ll have me, I promise to spend the rest of my life at your side. I’ll never leave you again, no matter what trials we face in life. We’ll face them together. Always together.”
Chloe knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he meant it. Jack was the kind of man who would stand at her side and never, ever leave her abandoned, mentally or physically.
Jack removed the ring from his finger. “I think this belongs to you,” he said almost inaudibly.
She held out a shaking hand. He slid the ring on her finger, and then holding her hand with both of his, he said, “Will you marry me?”
Half crying and half laughing, Chloe said, “Yes.”
“Now you’ve stumped me,” Jack said as they were suddenly bombarded by Jack’s family, who had obviously been spying on them through the crack of the door. They, too, were half laughing, half crying, congratulating Jack and consoling him all at the same time. Amidst all of the chaos, Jack smiled at her from across the table. It was a smile that still conveyed the pain from his loss, but it was also a smile that bespoke relief.
Alone, grief was nearly unendurable.
Together, they’d get through anything.
Ignoring his family, Jack leaned across the table and she met him halfway. He kissed her, softly and sweetly. He held her face in his hands tenderly as he said, “I love you, Chloe. For the rest of my life, I’m with you.”
Ah, the three little words that would change her life forever.
In the best way possible.
“So then what happened?” Luke asked.
The room was silent and Luke and Arielle hung on his every word. Addie had fallen asleep in what was left of her mother’s pregnant lap, which was probably a good thing. Parts of their story were far beyond her understanding.
It was definitely time to lighten the mood. “We got hitched and lived happily ever after,” Jack told his son, who did not appreciate his mirth. It garnered a giggle from Chloe as she shook her head at him.
“I always thought you were Christopher’s father, Dad.” Luke’s furrowed eyebrows worried him. Their story had affected him deeply.
“We thought it was best to explain the details when you were older, when you were able to understand it a little better,” Chloe told him, slowly rocking Addie in her arms.
Jack never tired of seeing her with a child in her once-empty arms—and a bulging tummy filled with new life. She loved their children fiercely. He’d never forget the moment they’d handed Luke to her for the first time, the way she’d cried tears of utter joy at the miracle in her arms. Unable to speak, she’d held their baby close and sobbed while he’d wrapped his arms around them and cried right along with her. Luke had been a beautiful newborn, the picture of health. He didn’t replace Christopher, but he’d filled his mother’s heart with happiness.
Luke nodded, accepting the truth easily. “What happened to Mark?” he asked, his expression concerned.
“Mark married again and he has two little girls,” Chloe answered, kissing Addie’s forehead. “I see him every once in awhile. He’s very happy.”
“And what happened to Taryn?” Arielle asked him curiously.
“Last I heard Taryn had been married and divorced two more times. I haven’t seen her in a very long time. I don’t know where she is. I haven’t kept track.”
Arielle yawned and placed her head on her mother’s shoulder. “Do you know if your baby was a boy or a girl, Dad?”
“I never knew.” It was one of the things that had bothered him for years. One of many.
As Jack looked upon the grave faces of his two oldest children, he knew it was time to end things on a happy note.
“That’s why I’m so glad to have you little rascals in my life. What would I do with all my time if I didn’t have you?” He glanced at his watch. “I�
�d get more sleep, that’s for sure. Now off to bed with you. It’s way past your bedtime and I want to spend some time kissing your Mom.”
Chloe flashed him a secretive smile.
Luke and Arielle both hugged him tightly, much tighter, and much longer than usual.
“I love you, Daddy,” Arielle said thickly.
“Love ya, Dad,” Luke whispered.
Suddenly, Addie jumped up from her supposed sound sleep and said, “I wanna hug Daddy too!” She squished and maneuvered her way in until all the children were giggling.
Jack looked over their heads and met Chloe’s eyes. She appeared radiant as one hand moved over her belly protectively. She was visibly happy with their life, and it showed in her features. Her eyes no longer reflected sadness, but unadulterated joy. He loved the smile of utter contentment she directed at him. He felt the same.
Exactly the same.
She mouthed the words, “I love you” and his heart was full.
Photograph courtesy of Tracey Clifton/Southern Exposure Fotos, for and in behalf of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.
Used with parental permission.
In memory of
Jerad Harlan
December 22, 2011-December 22, 2011
Our Trisomy 18 Baby
This book is dedicated to his parents—who became a stronger, more dedicated couple because of their experience—and who unselfishly gave him the most precious gift within their grasp…
Life.
Jerad Harlan
To my grandson
from his grandmother, Taylor Dean
Precious little one, you were loved from the moment of conception.
By your parents, by your grandparents, by great grandparents, by aunts, uncles, and cousins.
We’re here, Jerad, and we want you, we love you.
We rejoiced in the news of your creation, of a new life, a new member of our family.