Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  ‘Thank you, Hayley,’ Marianna said as she wrapped her arms around her. She only reached her husband’s shoulder, had an immaculate blonde bob and a smile that could surely be seen from space.

  ‘Uh … you’re welcome?’ Hayley said.

  Marianna laughed. ‘I meant for bringing Rick to England. I’ve always wanted to visit but Jacob hates travelling. Take him away from the Prairies and he gets claustrophobic. I had to hide his Bailey or he’d be wearing it now.’ She bent over to put the Lonely Planet guide in her bag.

  Rick must have seen Hayley’s look. ‘The cowboy hat, not the drink,’ he said. ‘I think Dad even showers in it.’

  ‘Not always,’ Jacob said and then laughed. ‘Hayley, this is Josh.’

  Hayley smiled as she shook Josh’s hand. He was tall too, taller than Rick, and they had the same eyes. ‘Gosh, you look just like your brother,’ Hayley said, ‘without the grey hair though, you’re too young for that.’

  He blushed. ‘I love your accent,’ he said. ‘It’s awesome.’

  ‘I think he’s in love,’ Rick whispered in Hayley’s ear as Josh pushed the trolley with the bags ahead of them. ‘And I don’t blame him.’

  *

  The evening before the wedding Hayley shooed Rick out of their flat and made him spend the night at Ellen and Mark’s. She didn’t want him to leave. Since he’d arrived in England they hadn’t slept apart. Seeing him first thing in the morning and last thing at night was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. ‘But you can’t see me until tomorrow, it’s bad luck,’ she insisted.

  He sighed. ‘Oh if I must,’ and kissed her as if they would never meet again.

  Ellen came over to spend the night and after dinner they sat on the sofa with a glass of champagne each and a bowl of strawberries. ‘As your bridesmaid,’ Ellen said in her very best headmistress voice while straightening her back, ‘it is my solemn duty to ask you some very important questions.’

  Hayley clicked her tongue. ‘I thought you might. Go on then. Sock it to me.’

  ‘Are you nervous?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘A tiny bit?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Even though you’ve only been together for six months?’

  ‘Still nope.’

  ‘Just checking. Are you ready to only ever have sex with one person for the rest of your, or his, life?’

  Hayley laughed. ‘Yep.’

  ‘Then hearts are breaking all over London tonight, I’m afraid. Right. Bedtime for you, Missy. You’ve got to get your beauty sleep.’

  Hayley had to tighten her grip on her father’s arm when they entered the Nelson Room at Ealing Town Hall the next morning. Rick stood at the end of the aisle in a perfectly tailored black suit and waistcoat, with a dark-blue tie that matched the sash on her dress. His eyes sparkled as she walked towards him and when he mouthed, ‘I love you,’ she was sure her feet weren’t even touching the carpet anymore.

  Later, as they danced together at Ealing Golf Club, Hayley looked into Rick’s eyes and felt as if she had known him forever, then she vowed that nothing – nothing – would ever tear them apart.

  *

  ‘Remember our Chicago to-do lists?’ Rick said over breakfast one morning, six weeks after the wedding. ‘Let’s make another.’

  ‘A bucket list?’ Hayley said as she munched on her peanut butter and jam toast, a combination Rick had introduced her to, and which she had eaten almost every morning since.

  ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘But without the dying part.’

  ‘Sounds great,’ Hayley said. Seeing London through Rick’s eyes in recent months had made her feel as if she were visiting for the first time too. He oohed and aahed at the architecture and the history and when she’d taken him to the Tower of London, she thought his eyes were going to pop. She quickly retrieved a pen and a notepad from her old sideboard.

  ‘So where do you want to go first?’

  ‘That place with the old stones.’

  ‘Stonehenge? Check.’ She scribbled it down.

  ‘And Edinburgh.’

  Hayley pulled a face.

  ‘No good?’

  ‘Bad memories.’

  ‘Oh, right. Sorry. Wales then. And Cornwall. Definitely Cornwall. What about you?’

  Hayley smiled. ‘Calgary. I want to go to your family’s ranch. Ride some horses, drive some cattle.’

  Rick tipped an imaginary hat. ‘Yee-haw. Well that can be arranged, pretty lady.’

  And so, whenever they could and their finances permitted, they went to the closest places on their list first, then started going farther afield. In Paris they marvelled at the Louvre and strolled down the Champs-Elysées hand in hand. They took the train to Brussels and washed down plates of moules frites with bottles of Duvel. When the summer came, they travelled to Calgary.

  ‘It’s so flat,’ said Hayley as they flew across the Canadian prairies. ‘Not even a hill.’

  ‘Just you wait,’ Rick said and grinned as he patted her hand. ‘You’ll see.’

  And when they drove all the way from Calgary to Jasper, up through the National Park, stopping in Banff and Lake Louise overnight, she did see. She stared out of the hotel window at the crystal clear, blue glacial lake and up at the sparkling snow-covered peaks in the distance – then her gaze drifted back to Rick, who smiled at her, obviously enjoying every second of seeing her in such awe. He moved towards her and kissed her gently, making Hayley wonder how she would possibly survive if she ever had to be without him.

  CHAPTER 48

  Mirror, Mirror

  It didn’t take Hayley long to get to the house in Chiswick after running out on Mark. She rang the bell and pummelled the front door with her fists.

  When the door opened, Hayley recoiled, taking a step back, almost losing her balance. A slim woman in her late thirties stood in front of her. She had dark-blonde hair that was tied up in a ponytail. Loose strands framed her immaculate skin and wide turquoise eyes. Hayley glanced at the woman’s silver locket with the initials LC engraved on it.

  ‘Hi,’ she said with a slight but not unwelcoming frown. ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.’ Two little girls with blonde cherub curls ran up to the woman and held onto her legs, peering up at Hayley.

  Hayley’s mouth opened and closed but no words came out.

  ‘Who is it, honey?’ said a male voice that came from the back of the house.

  Hayley’s legs felt like they were filled with concrete.

  The voice was coming closer. ‘Please, please tell me it’s the plumber.’

  And then the door opened further.

  ‘Rick!’ she gasped.

  ‘Hayley,’ Rick said with raised eyebrows. ‘Wow … How did you …’

  But Hayley turned and fled, heart racing and tears streaming down her face, trying to put as much distance between herself and what she’d just seen. What had she expected, she chastised herself as she legged it down the street, that he’d spend over a decade pining and waiting for her? Who the hell did she think she was?

  CHAPTER 49

  2003

  The Slippery Slope

  They’d been living in Hayley’s Hammersmith flat for a little over three years when she noticed one evening that Rick kept tap-tapping his foot in the kitchen all the while chopping potatoes and carrots with particular gusto. She walked over and put a hand over his.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yup,’ he smiled and resumed his attack on the vegetables.

  She crossed her arms. ‘Are you going to stop murdering the spuds and tell me what’s going on?’

  Rick put the knife down. ‘Do you remember Jian-Heng? From the Christmas party?’

  Hayley shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘The one whose wife’s pregnant with their fourth child.’

  ‘Oh yeah. I was amazed he wasn’t drinking even more.’

  Rick cleared his throat and sliced another carrot. ‘Anyway, he’s thinking
of selling their house. They need more space.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s in Chiswick. Near a tube station called Stamford Brook? Apparently it isn’t very big and needs a bit of work. It’s got three bedrooms.’

  ‘Okay …’

  Rick put the knife down, wrapped his arms around her and exhaled. ‘Well … I wondered … do you want to see it? It’s on a quiet street and the commute wouldn’t be that different. What do you think?’

  Hayley looked at him. ‘It sounds alright but why do you want to move? We don’t need three bedrooms.’

  Rick smiled and cocked his head to one side. ‘We could fill them …’

  ‘What with? You know I hate clutter and –’

  He laughed. ‘You’re really not getting this, are you? I meant with kids. You know, a baby.’

  ‘What? Oh? Really? You really want to?’

  He smiled again, more broadly this time. ‘Yes I do. I’d love to start a family with you.’ He hugged her and then kissed the tip of her nose.

  She hugged him back. ‘I like the practicing bit, but I’m not really sure about the timing. I doubt I’ll ever make partner if I work part-time.’

  ‘What if you didn’t have to?’

  ‘What? You mean quit? I’ve worked too hard and –’

  ‘No, no.’ Rick shook his head. ‘What if it were me?’

  Hayley scrunched up her brow. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘What if I worked part-time?’

  ‘You?’

  ‘Yeah. A couple of other guys at the office do. I figured if I worked fifty per cent we could afford it. We’d have to cut back on trips and vacations, but we’d do that with a baby anyway.’

  Hayley raised her eyebrows. ‘You’ve been thinking about this, haven’t you?’

  Rick kissed her. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘A lot.’

  ‘And you’d do that? Stay at home?’

  ‘Sure. You making partner is a huge deal. So yes, I’m happy to take the back-seat for a while. I wouldn’t really want our baby to be in day-care all day. What do you say?’

  Two days later the condoms went in the bin.

  *

  A few months after, when Hayley’s period was late and she woke up with a taste in her mouth like she’d eaten a fork, she smiled. She didn’t want to wake Rick straight away, so she crept into the bathroom and unpacked a pregnancy test she’d bought a few days earlier, her heart thumping as loud as a drum. As she popped the lid back onto the little stick, she closed her eyes and counted to thirty. When she looked down and saw the clear, double blue line in the window, she burst into tears.

  She heard Rick knock on the door. ‘It’s okay, Hayley,’ he said softly. ‘There’s always next month.’

  She opened the door and held out the test. ‘That’s not why I’m crying. Look,’ she whispered and she watched as his eyes welled up too. ‘You’re going to be a daddy,’

  The second person Hayley told was Ellen. She didn’t want to break the news over the phone so she went to the salon and they sat in the back room with cups of tea and Jaffa Cakes.

  ‘I … I have something to tell you,’ Hayley said. ‘I …’

  Ellen’s face lit up. ‘You’re pregnant?’

  She bit her lip before saying, ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh my god!’ Ellen hugged her, almost spilling the tea into a bowl of aubergine-coloured hair dye. ‘When are you due?’

  ‘Valentine’s Day.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. That’s fantastic. Will you call me Auntie Ellen?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ Hayley attempted a smile.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Ellen said. ‘You’re happy about this, aren’t you?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I’m ecstatic. But I … you …’

  Ellen hugged her again. ‘It’s okay, honestly. Mark and I …’ She sighed. ‘It’s just not meant to be, you know. And you’ll let me babysit as much as I want.’

  ‘Of course, but you won’t do another round of IVF then?’

  Ellen shook her head. ‘We can’t afford it. Anyway, you hear lots of stories about women finally accepting they’ll never get pregnant and then they do. So you never know. But enough about me. This is your day.’

  Hayley squeezed her hands. ‘Thank you for being such a good friend.’

  ‘I’m so happy for you. And soon you’ll be moving into your new house. Things couldn’t be better. And Rick’s going to work part-time?’

  ‘Yes, he’s so excited,’ Hayley said. ‘He had lunch with his boss last week. She told him about her husband who’s a stay-at-home dad. She said she wished there were more men like him. So Rick thinks it’ll be fine when he asks.’

  ‘Rick really is a good bloke, Hayley.’ Ellen patted her hand.

  Hayley smiled. ‘I know.’

  *

  A week before the due date Hayley got up in the morning for yet another pee, and felt a gush of liquid between her legs. She grabbed hold of Rick’s shoulders and shook him hard.

  ‘Wake up, baby.’

  ‘Uh? What? What’s going on?’

  ‘The baby’s coming. We’ve got to go.’

  Rick rushed her to hospital where he walked the corridors with her for hours. He held her hand when the anaesthesiologist – finally and mercifully – pumped the epidural into her back. He mopped her brow and encouraged her to push, letting her squeeze his hand so hard he had bruises for weeks afterwards. Even after twelve hours of labour, when Hayley shouted, ‘I’m getting this thing out of me right fucking now,’ he didn’t flinch and said, ‘Go on. You can do it.’

  When their baby girl slid out of her as she gave a final push, Rick gasped and then kissed Hayley’s sweaty face over and over again. He called his parents right away, even though it was the middle of the night in Calgary. Then she heard him call her parents, Jackie and Ray, and Ellen and Mark, repeating the news each time with such emotion, it made Hayley’s throat tighten even more.

  She watched him hold Millie for the first time. Their perfect red and wrinkly little girl, bald and smooth as an egg, with lungs the size of England. His expression was mixed with love and bewilderment, much the same as hers, she assumed, minus the million veins she was sure had popped all over her face.

  ‘Look what we made,’ he whispered as he brought Millie to her, swaddled in a pink cotton blanket. ‘You’re going to be such a wonderful mother, Hayley. You already are. Look at her …’

  Hayley couldn’t stop herself and blubbered so loudly the midwife gave her an entire box of hankies, then ran off to fetch another one.

  *

  On Christmas Eve, six weeks before Millie’s first birthday, Rick and Hayley were cuddled up on the sofa in the living room. They planned to celebrate Christmas Day with Hayley’s parents, Jackie, Ray and the boys, but wanted a quiet evening before all the mayhem of the next day.

  ‘I want to ask you something,’ Hayley said as they watched a re-run of Friends. ‘But please don’t feel you need to answer straight away.’

  ‘You want another baby?’ Rick said. ‘Alright, let’s do it.’

  ‘No.’ Hayley laughed. ‘I didn’t mean that.’ She frowned. ‘Although the timing would be right, wouldn’t it?’ She sat up and looked at him. ‘They’d be about two years apart if it took a few months to get pregnant. But what about work? I haven’t been back that long.’

  ‘Well, let’s wait for a while. Maybe at one point I can get my own company off the ground and work from home.’

  She thought about it. ‘I think we should wait, give it six months or so?’

  ‘Sure,’ he answered as he pulled her towards him. ‘So what did you want to ask me?’

  ‘Oh … well … you know the bonus Ronald gave me?’

  ‘I still can’t believe the amount. My wife, the high-flying power-woman.’

  Hayley shook her head at him. ‘Well … you know Ellen and Mark …’

  ‘Ye-es … I’m vaguely familiar with them.’

  ‘Well … I was wondering if … if we could pay for a final I
VF treatment.’ She looked at him, searching his face for an immediate response despite having told him not to consider it first. ‘We’re comfortable and seeing her holding Millie … it breaks my heart.’ She paused. ‘She said something when we were in Cambridge a few weeks ago, you know, when you went karting with Mark.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  Hayley paused again. She didn’t want to betray Ellen but she needed Rick to understand. ‘She saw a guy at a pub that looked like Mark and … and said maybe he could get her pregnant.’

  ‘What?’

  Hayley waved her hands. ‘She didn’t mean it,’ she said quickly. ‘She’d never do it. But she’s worried he’ll leave her.’

  ‘That’s crazy. He wouldn’t leave her if she doesn’t have a baby. But I’m pretty sure he would if she cheated on him.’

  ‘I know. I just –’

  ‘Do it.’

  ‘Rick, you should think about it first and –’

  He shook his head. ‘Don’t need to. Give them the money.’ He said it with such enthusiasm that Hayley felt herself fall in love with him all over again.

  At first Ellen and Mark refused to even consider it. But both Hayley and Rick threatened to disown them if they didn’t take the money.

  When Ellen called from the clinic a few months later, screaming that she was finally pregnant Hayley laughed, then started to jump up and down and said she’d found out that same morning she was pregnant too.

  Eight months later Ellen went into labour first and gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Morgan. Danny arrived a week later, making a grand and rather complicated entrance into the world via a C-section because he was breech. Some years later it occurred to Hayley it might have been the first sign that things were about to get difficult.

  *

  Hayley couldn’t exactly pinpoint when things had started to change between her and Rick. It was a gradual thing, an erosion of feelings over time, not any one particularly cataclysmic event.

  Danny’s arrival had made things easier in some ways and harder in others. Rick was initially quite happy continuing to work part-time, but his career seemed to stall because of it, and his full-time colleagues got all the promotions. His female, modern boss had left and he now worked for a man who appeared to have something to prove, and who thought anybody working fewer than seventy hours a week should be considered a lost cause. The economy started to slide and there were constant rumours at the bank that the powers-that-be were swinging a very large axe at various I.T. projects.