Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  Meanwhile, Hayley realised most of the financial responsibility now rested on her shoulders, and the worry kept her up at night just as much as her work did.

  ‘I feel guilty,’ she said to her mother on the phone one day. ‘I didn’t see the kids before bedtime again yesterday.’

  ‘Can you tell Ronald and work a bit less?’

  ‘Not really. He asked me to work with his son Charles for a bit but I know he’s always hated that I get along with his dad so well. Anyway, mustn’t grumble.’

  ‘What does Rick think, love?’

  ‘Dunno. How can I complain when he put his career on hold? No. I asked for this. I have to get on with it. Everybody else does.’

  ‘You should talk to him,’ Karen said.

  ‘No,’ Hayley insisted. ‘It’ll be fine.’

  But Hayley grew increasingly frustrated with Rick and sensed he wasn’t happy either. She suggested putting the kids into a nursery full-time, so he could focus on his career again, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He argued that they didn’t have kids for them to be brought up by someone else, that his career could wait. After several heated discussions, Hayley capitulated, and didn’t bring it up again. Small arguments crept in. Things went unsaid and unresolved, and sometimes Hayley deliberately stayed at the office even longer because she didn’t know what kind of a mood Rick would be in.

  Piece by piece, Hayley started to rebuild the brick wall around her heart that Rick had taken a sledgehammer to when they’d first met. And as she did so, the distance between them increased.

  *

  The calls came in quick succession when Hayley was in the middle of a meeting. When she felt her mobile vibrate in her pocket the first time, she ignored it. But when it happened again three times within two minutes she excused herself.

  ‘Hayley, it’s about Dad,’ Karen said and something about her tone made Hayley grip her mobile so hard she almost cracked the screen. ‘He’s had a stroke. You’d better come to the hospital. Now.’

  The news wasn’t good and Stan’s recovery would be a long and bumpy one. He had to learn how to eat and communicate again, and the doctors told them Stan would most likely never regain full mobility or proper speech. When Hayley cried it was only ever in private. She never showed emotion in public anymore and didn’t want to let Rick, the kids or her mum see how deeply she’d been affected.

  Stan fought hard and after two months the hospital let him go home. Rick told Hayley they should pay for the house to be made wheelchair accessible, and help Karen with the rest of the mortgage as her parents only had a few years left to pay.

  ‘I can’t accept,’ Karen said as they told her their plans, ‘It’s too generous of you.’ But they insisted until she gave in.

  In a way, Hayley felt that her father’s stroke was bringing her closer to Rick again. A hint of intimacy that seemed to have all but disappeared, but then Rick lost his job. He became withdrawn and ratty, and she retaliated with much the same. She made countless suggestions – jobs to apply for, starting up on his own, people he could contact – but he told her he needed to figure this one out on his own.

  One night she came home from work to find Rick sitting at the kitchen table in front of his laptop.

  ‘What are you up to?’

  ‘Taking your advice about starting my own company. I’m designing a website for a local printing store,’ he said with a broad smile. ‘Mark knows them. He told me they need a website and they gave me the contract. I’m in business.’

  ‘That’s great, Rick,’ Hayley said. ‘Wow, good for you. I’m really proud of –’

  ‘You don’t need to patronise me,’ Rick said, barely looking up from the screen.

  ‘I … I wasn’t … I –’

  He shut the laptop cover with a bang and got up. ‘We can’t all be hotshot lawyers you know.’

  That night he slept on the sofa for the first time.

  Hayley encouraged him to grow the business, but she soon realised it meant that she regularly came home after a long day at work only to have to catch up on the household chores. She wanted to be supportive but she felt stressed and worn out. Their sex life dwindled and Hayley sometimes wondered if he’d met someone else.

  A tiny glimmer of hope was snuffed out when Ronald died. It was two days after he’d told Hayley that he would inform the board at their next meeting of his plans to make her partner. But his body decided otherwise and his intentions died with him when his heart gave out and he collapsed in a bunker playing a round of golf.

  His death left Hayley feeling as if she was standing at the edge of a precipice, staring down into a deep, black, all-consuming hole. She only needed the tiniest of nudges to go spiralling out of control. Sometimes she wished someone would get it over with and push her.

  And so, that chilly, foggy night at the end of October, Hayley found herself arguing with Rick over work, Halloween costumes, the washing and the emergency plumber. The massive mountain of crap she’d been trying to ignore, but which had continued to grow, finally erupted.

  When Hayley said ‘Don’t wait up’ and bolted to Ellen’s, she wondered if the last shreds of her marriage had finally, almost mercifully, slipped through her fingers.

  CHAPTER 50

  No Going Back

  Hayley’s legs pounded the street as she ran, faster and faster.

  ‘Wait, Hayley, wait.’ Rick caught up to her before she’d even turned the corner.

  ‘Wait,’ he said again, grabbing her arm. ‘You show up on my doorstep after more than a decade and then run away. What’s going on?’

  She stopped, panting, her heart pounding, still unable to utter even the beginning of a sentence.

  He looked at her. ‘What’s going on?’

  The softness in his voice made her cry even harder and when he took her into his arms and held her tight, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.

  ‘You’re married,’ she said as she clung to him. ‘That was your wife. Your girls.’

  ‘Yes. Linda, Sophia and Sabrina.’ Holding her arms he gently pushed her away from him, and looked at her face.

  ‘But … but why?’

  ‘What do you mean, why?’

  ‘Why her?’

  ‘I met Linda two years after I arrived in London, you know, when I …’ He stopped.

  ‘When you asked me to marry you?’

  Rick nodded.

  ‘What happened?’ Hayley said. ‘What happened to us?’

  Rick exhaled. ‘I asked myself that so many times. If I’d known you’d get so spooked I’d have waited.’

  ‘No!’ Hayley shouted, the intensity of her voice earning some concerned looks from a harried passer-by. ‘I said yes. You asked me to marry you and I said yes.’ She pointed up the street. ‘It’s supposed to be you and me in that house, with our children. It’s supposed to be us.’ She put her hands to her temples and grabbed her hair. ‘We’re supposed to be together.’ She banged her chest with her fist. ‘We’re soulmates. I lost sight of it for a while but now I know. I know.’

  ‘Oh Hayley. I wish you’d said that instead of pushing me away. You wouldn’t return my calls.’ He looked away. ‘It took me ages to get over you. I couldn’t leave London in case you changed your mind. But you didn’t and … well … I moved on.’ He sighed. ‘I met Linda and –’

  Hayley grabbed his hands. ‘But is she your soulmate? Look me in the eyes and tell me you feel for her what you felt for me.’

  ‘I can’t do that, Hayley,’ Rick said softly as he pulled his hands away. ‘I loved you so much. I’ve never met anybody like you.’

  ‘Then leave her,’ Hayley said. ‘Leave her for me. We’re meant to be together, we belong together. Don’t settle, Rick, don’t settle for her.’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m married and we have our girls. I love them, I’m very happy.’ He stuck his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t know why you came here or what you were hoping for. But it’s too late for us. It’s quite simply too late.’<
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  Hayley tore herself away from him and ran, and this time she knew he wouldn’t follow her. Tears blinded her and the agony that tore through her heart almost made it impossible to breathe. Stumbling, she managed to steady herself and kept on running, thinking over and over that she’d lost him. She’d lost it all. Rick, Millie and Danny. They were all gone.

  When she reached the tube station, she rushed down the stairs and swiped her travel card.

  This is what it was all about. It’s not a glimpse. This is my new life … It’s … forever.

  When she reached the platform she stopped running. A busker played a harp somewhere in the distance and the gentle music enveloped Hayley. Slowly she made her way closer to the front of the platform. Her feet were getting nearer and nearer to the edge, but her legs didn’t stop carrying her forward. She thought about her new life. Everything lost. Disappeared.

  Another step and it would all be over. The nightmare would end – she’d find peace and comfort at last. She lifted up her foot …

  When the horn of the tube blasted it made her flinch, and she gasped when she looked down at the track, only inches away.

  What am I doing? I have to go back. I can’t give up. I have to fight for him – for us!

  She took a few quick steps back and bumped into a couple of teenagers, losing her balance. By the time she noticed the skateboard on the ground it was too late, her foot was already on top of it. As her legs flew up from beneath her and she toppled backwards, she vaguely registered the screams. Whether they were hers or those of other passengers, she couldn’t tell. Her head hit the ground with a dull thud and when the horn blasted again, the last images of Rick faded away to wisps of nothing.

  And then everything went black …

  CHAPTER 51

  Begin Again

  Hayley winced as she tried to open her eyes. She let her head sink back into her pillow and waited for a few seconds. She put a hand to her throbbing head, winced again, and let out a small groan. The memories of Rick and Linda, the tube station and the skateboard came back in rapid succession. Hayley’s pulse quickened. She had to get back to Rick.

  As she prepared herself to move her aching body, she became aware of a familiar ticking noise. She carefully turned to one side. Her eyes started to focus as she slowly recognised the outline of her old Mickey Mouse alarm clock. His glow-in-the-dark, white-gloved hands were showing five minutes to nine.

  Am I …? I can’t be …? Can I …? Is it …?

  Unwilling to be slowed down by what felt like fifty jackhammers pounding her brain, Hayley jumped out of bed and pulled open the curtains. The light hurt her eyes and she put a hand up to shield them from the sun that spilled in through the windows. She felt the cool, hard surface underneath her feet and looked down. It was hardwood. Not carpet … hardwood.

  She turned around, moving an inch at a time, balling her hands at her sides and clenching her teeth … hoping.

  As she took in her surroundings – the bed, the red chair in the corner with the clothes slung over the back of it, the picture of Lake Louise – her hands flew to her face and she let out a laugh. The bedroom door was slightly ajar and voices drifted up the stairs.

  ‘More milk, Daddy. Mummy says it makes them fluffy.’

  ‘Can I stir Daddy, ple-ease?’

  ‘Shhhh,’ she heard Rick say. ‘Mummy’s still sleeping. We don’t want to ruin your surprise, do we? Here you go, Millie, stir that. Danny, do you want to add more maple syrup?’

  Hayley ran down the stairs, trying to take them two at a time, holding the bannister so she didn’t trip. She stopped in the kitchen doorway and covered her mouth with her hand. Rick and the kids were making pancakes at the kitchen table, surrounded by bowls, egg shells and milk. A dusting of flour had given the tip of Rick’s nose and his Best Chef in the World apron a white sheen. Millie and Danny were in their pyjamas and their messy hair stuck up all over the place.

  Hayley fell to her knees and flung her arms around the kids. She pulled them close and buried her face in their hair. ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said as she breathed in the familiar scent of fruity shampoo and Lenor. She kissed them and her tears moistened their cheeks. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘Why are you crying, Mummy?’ Millie said as she put her hands on Hayley’s cheeks and stared at her with her big, deep-blue eyes, her thick, long eyelashes fluttering like tiny butterfly wings. Her small fingers wiped away the tears but it made Hayley cry harder.

  She looked up at Rick and tried a crumpled smile as she got to her feet.

  ‘Late night, eh?’ he said, without smiling back. ‘I went to bed at one and didn’t hear you come in. The kids wanted to make you pancakes so I cancelled my run.’ He gestured to the mess on the table. ‘And before you say anything, I’ll clear up.’

  She reached for his hand and saw a frown cross his face. ‘I don’t care about the mess.’

  Rick’s brow furrowed further. ‘Okay then … must’ve been a late and heavy night.’

  Hayley held her arms out. ‘Don’t. Just … just … hug me.’ She let herself sink against his chest and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt him hesitate so she wrapped her arms around him tightly. ‘I thought I’d lost you,’ she whispered.

  ‘Lost me?’ Rick said and gave her a quick squeeze before taking a step back again. ‘I wasn’t the one who left last night.’

  ‘I know.’ She touched his arm. ‘I’m sorry. I meant I thought I’d lost you because of our fight. The way I’ve been. Us …’

  He looked at her and raised his eyebrows. ‘Us?’

  She nodded and felt another tear slide out of her eye and down her cheek.

  Rick smiled and stroked her hair. ‘We’ll talk, okay? Just not now. Not with the kids around.’ She saw him hesitate before he leaned in and kissed her softly.

  ‘Ewwww, you kissed on the lips,’ Danny squealed.

  Hayley stuck her finger into the pancake mix and dabbed a blob on Danny’s forehead.

  ‘Me too, me too,’ Millie said as she clapped her hands together. Hayley painted a smiley face on her cheek and laughed as Millie jumped around and giggled.

  When Hayley looked up she caught Rick staring at her, a smile playing on his lips. A few days ago she would have muttered a grumpy ‘What?’ but instead she beamed back.

  ‘Alright, kids,’ Rick said as he reached for Hayley’s hand, his fingers entwining with hers. ‘Let’s make pancakes. Mummy needs food for absorption purposes. And no, you don’t need to know what that means yet. So, who wants to help me flip?’

  After breakfast, when Millie and Danny were settled in front of the Saturday morning cartoons, Hayley and Rick sat at the kitchen table.

  ‘Look,’ he said, ‘about last night …’ Hayley noticed the tentativeness in his voice, and the way he rubbed the stubble on his chin when nerves got the better of him. ‘We’ve got stuff to sort out.’

  ‘Stuff?’ Hayley swallowed. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t want another fight, Hayley. I really don’t.’ He rubbed his chin again.

  ‘Rick,’ she said as she grabbed his arm, ‘I don’t want to fight either. I’ve realised … these past few days when I … I mean, I was … well …’ Her voice trailed off as she wondered how she could explain anything without him wanting her committed.

  She exhaled deeply and rubbed her face, then smiled at Rick. ‘I dreamt we were married to other people,’ she said slowly. ‘And it scared the shit out of me.’

  ‘Well that’s never going to happen,’ Rick said. ‘Not unless we divorce first.’

  ‘Divorce? You want a –’

  ‘No, no. Sorry,’ Rick said and waved both hands around in front of him. ‘Bad time for a joke.’

  ‘It’s not funny,’ Hayley said. ‘Believe me.’

  ‘Don’t worry. You can’t get rid of me that easily. For better or worse, remember?’

  ‘Yes, I remember.’

  ‘Have you … ever thought about it?’ he said quietl
y.

  Hayley shook her head and grinned. ‘No, but Ellen’s grandma said she never thought about divorce but she often thought about murder.’

  ‘Fantastic,’ he said with a laugh, and Hayley noticed how his shoulders had relaxed. ‘So I should sleep with one eye open. Look,’ his smile disappeared, ‘I’ve been a bit of a crap husband, I know that.’

  ‘Well I haven’t been the model wife either,’ Hayley said and pulled a face. ‘We’ve both been on edge. My job. You starting a business. Ronald dying, my dad …’ She felt her eyes well up again. ‘Oh Rick, I miss Dad so much. I know he’s still with us but I miss talking to him, I miss it so much.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart. I understand. I wish I could fix it.’ He fell silent for a moment and then grinned. ‘Remember when we used to talk? A lot? You used to tell me everything. In fact,’ his eyes twinkled, ‘I couldn’t get you to shut up unless I kissed you.’

  Hayley sighed. ‘Good times.’

  ‘Very.’

  ‘Do you think we can get that back?’

  Rick looked at her. ‘It can’t be that hard, can it?’ He smiled. ‘Look at what we’re doing right now.’

  Hayley squeezed his hand. ‘I have an idea. Maybe … oh, hang on. Don’t you have work to do today?’

  Rick tapped his index finger on the table. ‘This is more important. The website can wait.’

  ‘Let’s make time for both,’ Hayley said. She reached for the phone and dialled Ellen’s number.

  ‘Hayley,’ Ellen said. ‘How’s your head?’

  Hayley snorted. ‘Sore,’ she said, then quickly added, ‘how are Mark and Morgan?’

  Ellen groaned. ‘Up far too bloody early. Mark took her to get some breakfast treats.’

  Treats? Oh no. Not again …

  ‘On a lead?’ Hayley said, and held her breath.