In The Dark

by Monica Murphy

  But Shep has changed his ways. So have I. Tristan’s the only one who’s interested in readily available fine women.

  And I’m okay with that.

  “First, I have something to tell you both and it’s…personal.” I resist the urge to take a drink from my coffee cup. I’ve already had two cups before they even got here. I don’t really need anymore. I’m jittery enough as it is.

  Shep and Tristan look at each other for a moment, before they turn to study me, both wearing concerned expressions. “You okay, man?” Shep asks with a frown.

  “You’re not bailing out on us with the casino are you?” Tristan chimes in.

  I rear back in surprise. “No way. Why would you think that?”

  Tristan shrugs. “It’s not been going well so far. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to end it.”

  I’m floored. Does Tristan want to end it? “It’s here, at my house. I wouldn’t just do that to you guys.”

  “We know this,” Shep says, giving Tristan a meaningful glare. “We’re both worried about the state of business. It’s not that lucrative at the moment but we need to give it a chance.”

  “I totally agree,” I say firmly. “I also think we should only keep it open three nights a week.” Damn it, I wanted this topic of conversation to come last. I’m a nervous fucking wreck and the need to spit out what I really want to say is just sitting on the tip of my tongue.

  “Good,” Tristan says with a visible sigh of relief. “There’s been so much change around here lately, what with Shep a total goner over Jade and you walking around with moony eyes over Lucy.”

  My stomach churns. Great lead into a change of subject. “That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  They’re both watching me again like I’ve lost my mind.

  I grab a napkin and start tearing it into shreds. Anything to keep my anxious fingers under control. “I’m in love with Lucy.”

  Tristan rolls his eyes and reaches for the pink box, popping open the lid and pulling out a chocolate bar. “Of course you are. I’m scared to death to drink the damn water, I swear. I think this falling in love stuff is catching.”

  “It’s not a bad thing, Tristan. You find the right girl, and suddenly she changes your entire world. She becomes your world.” Shep just nailed my feelings exactly. “And I’m not surprised,” he says like the wizened old man he is in regards to love. “The way you’ve been acting with her these last few weeks, and how she looks at you. You’re a sucker for her, man, and I think she feels the same way. I’m happy for you.”

  Could Lucy be in love with me? She’s still so closed mouthed about anything personal or from her past. She’s fed me a few more tidbits lately, but nothing major. It’s like she’s purposely keeping things from me and I don’t like it.

  “That’s not all though.” I pause again, secretly enjoying the high drama of the moment as they both watch me expectantly. “I think she might be…pregnant.”

  It’s like I just dropped a bomb in the room with that last word. I haven’t said it out loud since that night. Its impact is leaving me reeling.

  Again.

  Tristan nearly spits out the bite of doughnut that’s in his mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he sputters.

  I slowly shake my head. “I wish I was.”

  Shep tilts his head, contemplating me. “What happened?”

  It’s been two weeks since that fateful night and Lucy and I have been together almost every night ever since unless she’s working—and that sort of blows my mind still, though when I ask her exactly why she has to work, she gives me some bullshit excuse about liking to make her own money.

  Whatever, I’m getting off track. Spending that much time with one woman is some sort of miracle for me. But it’s been amazing, despite my wondering if she’s keeping secrets. It’s also been worrisome, because what we did, what might result from that, still lingers in the back of my mind. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one worried. I think she is too.

  Hell, I know she is.

  I explain to them briefly what happened, how I forgot to use a condom. I haven’t forgotten again, but I can’t help but think it’s too late. That she’s somehow pregnant with my baby and I’m supposed to take care of her for the rest of my life. That sort of thing should scare the hell out of me. Send me running.

  So why does the idea of taking care of Lucy and our baby for the rest of my life not sound so bad? Why am I tempted to do the right thing and stand by her side no matter what, regardless if she’s pregnant or not. Now that’s crazy to even contemplate, but here I am ready to make the offer.

  I probably need someone to talk me down off the ledge. This is the reason I’m spilling my guts to Shep and Tristan. I need reasoning, though really these jackasses are not always the most reasonable people I know. But I need my two best friends to help me figure out what I’m going to do.

  They’re all I’ve got. They’re the only ones who understand me.

  “So you don’t even know if she’s pregnant yet?” Tristan slumps against his chair, looking relieved. “I thought it was confirmed. You scared the hell out of me.”

  “The potential is there, dude. I’m serious. I think she might be.” The idea of bringing a baby into this world scares the hell out of me. Worse? My parents will freak the fuck out. They have my life mapped out for me bit by bit once I graduate college. This will throw the mightiest of all wrenches straight into the middle of their plans.

  They will be pissed as hell and there’s nothing I can do about it. Truthfully? The tiniest part of me likes the idea of such utter rebellion. Take that Mom and Dad.

  Take fucking that.

  “Why do you think she might be pregnant?” Shep asks. That he’s become the voice of reason is crazy considering once he was the wildest one of the three, but he’s really matured since he got together with Jade. I appreciate his insight. Plus he’s just so damn logical, which I need right now.

  “It’s hard for me to explain.” There are so many little clues lately telling me that she is.

  Her breasts seem fuller, if that’s even possible, and when I was sucking on her nipples last night, they seemed extra sensitive. I went down on her last night too and her pussy…it tasted different. Not in a bad way. Just…different. That I even notice is insane.

  I can’t explain that to them. It’s private. Plus, they’d think I was crazy.

  “Is she puking her guts out?” Tristan asks.

  “No, but she’s been complaining about headaches,” I offer.

  “Huh.” Shep reaches inside the pink box for his second doughnut, choosing an apple fritter, his favorite. “What will you do if she’s pregnant?”

  “The right thing,” I automatically say.

  “And that is…” Shep lets his voice drift, waiting for my answer.

  “Help her. Take full responsibility for the baby. Possibly ask Lucy to marry me.” That I say these words so calmly when I feel like a chaotic riot is breaking out inside my body says something.

  “What will your parents do?” Tristan asks.

  I close my eyes and rest my hands over them for a long, agonizing moment. This is the shit that I’m dreading. I know they will lose their minds and tell me how I’ve destroyed my life. I can hear them say the words in my head and I won’t be able to deny them. “Probably disown me,” I mutter.

  “What will Lucy think about that?” Shep asks.

  “She probably won’t care. She comes from money too,” I say, dropping my hands from my face. “I have money in the trust fund that I just came into.” From my grandfather, who always seemed to take care of me and love me way better than the people who I have to call my parents. I really miss that old man and he died when I was ten.

  “Listen, I think you’re overreacting,” Tristan says, nudging his shoulder against Shep’s as he leans across the table, his gaze intent on mine. “You don’t even know if she’s pregnant and you’re preparing for the worst possible scenario. I think you n
eed to take a chill pill and see what happens.”

  He makes it all sound easy, the asshole. Well, it’s not. I wish it was but it’s not at all. “Don’t you get it? I need to prepare for the worst case scenario.”

  “What about an abortion?” Tristan suggests.

  The thought of doing that to a baby that Lucy and I created… “No. I couldn’t.”

  “What if she wants one?”

  “It’s her body so she has the right to make that choice but I hope like hell she doesn’t,” I say vehemently.

  “So why’d you drag our asses over here anyway? Just to tell us you’re scared shitless your girl is knocked up with your baby?” Tristan asks.

  “Yeah, I just…I needed to hear you guys tell me that it’s going to be all right.” Fuck, I’ve been stressed and I have no one else to talk to. Not like I can tell Lucy all this because it might make her mad or worse, hurt her feelings.

  And she’s the last person I want to hurt.

  “If it were me, I’d be losing my mind,” Tristan says softly. “So we’re here for you.”

  That Tristan actually allowed me a glimpse of his feelings is major. The guy is never serious. Grumpy and a pain in the ass, always. Kind and thoughtful Tristan makes rare appearances so I appreciate his words.

  “Thanks man,” I tell him.

  I don’t even need advice, not necessarily. Just my friends telling me that I’ll survive this. That yes, I’m probably overreacting, and though it pissed me off that Tristan said that, he’s probably right. There’s no proof yet. Lucy could get her period tomorrow and this will all be a funny story we can laugh over years from now.

  Remember those couple of weeks when I thought I might’ve gotten a girl pregnant? That was so fucking hilarious!

  Not really. I doubt I’ll think it was hilarious years from now either.

  “Whatever happens, we’ll help you,” Shep says, his words, his expression, everything about him utterly sincere. “Don’t stress. It’s out of your control now. Either she is or she isn’t.”

  “I’d prefer she isn’t,” I say.

  “I get it,” Tristan says. “I’d prefer that too.”

  “Me too,” Shep agrees.

  We remain quiet like that for almost an hour, the three of us lost in thought, consuming doughnuts until the box is empty and only occasionally muttering a few words here and there. My mind is too full of all the potential scenarios to focus on much else.

  I can’t make up my mind if I’m happy or sad about the possible outcome. I’m starting to feel like I could be fucked for life.

  And there’s nothing I can do about it.

  “Lucy? Is that you?”

  I freeze at hearing that familiar voice, dread slithering down my spine and I close my eyes, breathe deep and prepare to come up with a quick-thinking lie.

  But how I can fudge around the fact that I’m in line for my appointment with my financial aid counselor? My mind is a complete blank. There’s no getting around this.

  Slowly I turn to find freaking Jade standing behind me, her eyes wide, her mouth formed in this little perfect O. Her vibrant hair is caught back into a long, thick braid and she doesn’t have any makeup on so all I can see is a face full of freckles. She’s adorable. I’m not feeling so adorable. More like I’m feeling trapped. “What are you doing here?” she asks.

  I give her a smile but say nothing. How can I answer? I can’t tell her the truth. She’ll run and tell Shep and he’ll tell Gabe and Gabe will be angry at me because I kept this from him all this time. I’ve kept pretty much everything from him and I hate that so much. My lies are just that. Lies. Big, fat one. Gabe has been nothing but honest with me from the very beginning.

  I’m the one everyone has to start singing Liar, liar pants on fire at whenever they see me.

  Jade clears her throat, her mouth clamping shut for a moment, like she doesn’t want to say what she’s about to say. I mentally steel myself. “Listen, I know we’re not that close—yet—and I don’t mean to get in your business but I thought you were like, rich or something? At least, that’s what Gabe and Shep told me.”

  I remain quiet, my mind scrambling. I have no idea what to say.

  “So.” She clears her throat. “What are you doing in the financial aid line? Do you need help? Do you have an appointment?”

  The lady at the window yells next and without saying anything to Jade I walk away, approaching the window and letting the woman know my name and that I had a ten o’clock appointment. She glances over her schedule, checks me in and I leave the window to wait for my name to be called.

  I can’t sit still. I’m freaking pacing back and forth as I watch Jade speak to the woman next, saying she has a ten o’clock appointment as well.

  What are the odds that we’d run into each other here? I swear I have terrible luck. Or maybe just really bad karma. I must’ve done something to someone in another life and now I’m paying the price. Shit hasn’t been good for weeks.

  This is just the crap icing to slather on top of my shit cake.

  Jade approaches me the moment she’s done checking in for her appointment. She holds her hands up in front of her. “You don’t have to explain anything,” she says. “It’s absolutely none of my business. I just thought…well I assumed you were wealthy like the boys.”

  I frown. “The boys?”

  “Shep, Gabe and Tristan. They’re all three filthy rich and when Gabe told us he met you over the summer in Santa Barbara, that you were his neighbor…” She shrugs. “I automatically assumed. So did everyone else, especially Gabe.”

  Because I never denied it. I let Gabe make up that entire scenario for me and I went along with it. I’m a total bitch. A chicken shit bitch—and that’s even worse.

  “So you’re not loaded,” Jade states when I still haven’t said anything.

  I neither confirm nor deny. “Please don’t tell Gabe you saw me here,” I say, the words rushing out of me as I reach for her arm and give it a squeeze. “I don’t want him to find out this way.”

  “Find out what this way?” Jade asks warily. She looks nervous. And ready to be pissed at me. That’s the last I want. I just made a friend and I could lose her because I’m a liar.

  I have no one to blame but myself.

  “That I’m not…um.” My name is called at this precise moment and I almost sag with relief. “I need to go. We’ll talk later?”

  “Oh, yes. We definitely will,” Jade says, her voice high, almost shrill. “Don’t think you’re getting out of this one, missy. I want details.”

  “I’ll give them to you, I promise,” I tell her from over my shoulder as I start to head toward the open doorway and the girl who called my name. “I’ll text you when I’m done.”

  “You’d better!” Jade shouts after me.

  Shit. This week has been so incredibly crazy. I can only imagine what else I might have in store over the next few days. I feel like everything’s falling apart and I don’t know how to stop it all from crumbling. I’m trying my best to keep calm and believe that everything’s going to work out but it’s so hard.

  Like having to deal with the fact that my period is late. I mean, yeah. It’s late. No biggie, right? Happens all the time.

  But never to me. I’m regular like clockwork. You could set a watch to my period starting. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever been late. I haven’t mentioned any of this to Gabe because it could all be for nothing. Why get him worked up? Why freak him out? I can deal.

  Maybe. Barely.

  I’m blaming the late period on stress. That’s what it has to be. I’ve gotten fewer hours at The Shack because business has slowed down and Barb feels bad though I understand. I’ve been on the hunt but I still haven’t found an on campus job yet. Money is tight, I rarely see my roommate because if she’s not working, she’s going to visit her stupid preppy boyfriend Chad whenever she can. He’s so rich he pays for her plane tickets so I guess I can’t blame her.

  Yeah, I’ve s
pent a lot of time with Gabe. Quality, fun sexy time but I’m so scared to tell him anything personal for fear he’ll dump me—oh hey Gabe, I might be pregnant—oh and Gabe, the financial aid thing isn’t looking so good for me right now—and let’s not forget the fact that you think I’m some rich girl who has money sprouting out of my ears.

  My lies and worries are catching up with me. I’m in so deep I don’t know how I can tell him the truth now. He’s going to be furious with me over…all of it and I’m scared.

  Scared he’ll hate me. Scared he won’t want to hear the truth. Horribly terrified that once he finds out the truth, he’ll turn his back on me forever. And if I turn out to be pregnant with his baby?

  I can’t let that happen. I can’t. My young, single mother raised me all alone and she struggled my entire life—I don’t want history repeating itself.

  But I might not have a choice.

  The financial aid counselor is nice—her name is Judy—and we discuss the options I have. I received a notice in the mail a few days ago that I wasn’t going to be receiving as much government assistance as I thought for my tuition and figured it was a mistake.

  “There was a glitch in your paperwork,” Judy explains as she looks over my file. “So they’re going to take back the difference with your next scheduled distribution.

  “And how much are they going to take back?” I ask as I fidget nervously in my chair.

  Judy does a few calculations and then rattles off the number.

  I’m in shock. “But I can’t pay for my tuition with that amount.”

  “Perhaps you should consider taking out a student loan after all?” she suggests gently.

  I take the fat stack of paperwork I’ll need to fill out from Judy the overly kind counselor and leave her office in a daze, my mind tripping over figures and amounts I don’t really want to comprehend.

  Not that I have a choice. On top of everything else happening, I guess I need to figure out what I’m going to do about my money situation. I never wanted to take out student loans because I didn’t like the idea of having to pay them back. Starting out my career with a ton of debt on my shoulders isn’t my idea of a good time. But I need the education in order to find a good paying job so…