Saving It

by Monica Murphy

  “We’re best friends.”

  “Best friends who can make out and do the nasty yet still be best friends. That’s the best kind.” Abraham shakes his head. “Why wouldn’t you want to hit that? You already know you’re compatible. Despite you claiming you want a quick hookup, you like having commitment strings. You told me that yourself. You say you want a girlfriend, but dude. You pretty much already have one. Her name is Eden.”

  I collapse on the bed beside him and stretch out, my head hitting the pillow. I stare up at the ceiling fan, the words Abraham just said running through my brain on an endless loop.

  You say you want a girlfriend, but dude. You pretty much already have one. Her name is Eden.

  Is that for real? Like, for real for real? Does Eden think of me in that way? Could she want to go out with me? Make out with me? “Do the nasty” with me?

  Damn it, Abraham’s stupid words are invading my thoughts.

  “I don’t want a girlfriend,” I say, my voice, my words hollow. “We’re going to graduate soon. Why would I want a girlfriend?”

  Abraham makes a dismissive noise. “Whatever, dude. Keep telling yourself that.”

  He doesn’t sound like he believes me. I don’t really believe myself. My mind is churning, full of thoughts of…

  Eden.

  “You think Eden likes me?” I ask, my voice hoarse, like I just ran a thousand miles. My heart is beating so hard it feels like I just ran a thousand miles.

  “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?”

  I sit up just as he stands. “I can’t just ask her that.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “It would be weird.”

  “No, it would be a freaking relief for the both of you. I can hear you two now.” He clears his throat and starts talking in a low voice. “Oh hey, Edes. Uh, I really like you. As in, I want to strip you naked and lick you everywhere. Will you let me?” He clears his throat again, and this time his voice comes out a high falsetto. “Oh, Joshua, I thought you’d never say those sweet words! Let’s do it.” The falsetto voice is gone, replaced by regular Abraham voice. “Then the two of you will finally kiss or whatever. Seal the deal. Live happily ever after and amen. No more torturous flirting.”

  His imitation isn’t too far off the mark, which is annoying. “You think our flirting is torturous?” We flirt? Okay yeah, we definitely flirt, but we know it’s not going anywhere so it’s harmless.

  But then again, maybe it’s not.

  “I think the two of you pretending you’re not into each other is torturous. It’s stupid, man. You two are made to be together. Can’t you see it? Eden and Josh. Josh and Eden. Everyone at school already thinks you’re a couple. Go ahead and make it happen for real.” Abraham checks his phone yet again, shaking his head. “She is never gonna respond to my texts. Like ever.”

  “Of course she isn’t. You’re a desperate seventeen-year-old only after one thing, and she knows it.”

  “Thanks for pumping me up. Making me feel positive.” Abraham is glaring now. “You’re a dick.”

  “So are you, for trying to make me jealous over Eden.” I’m not really angry with him, though, and I know Abraham isn’t mad at me, either. This is just how we are sometimes.

  “Nothing else was working, so I had to stoop to desperate actions. You should be thanking my ass for helping you realize your real feelings.” Abraham actually sounds offended.

  “Thanking you? Forget that.” I shake my head. “I can’t think of Eden that way. Like in a—girlfriend way.” I’m lying. I’m so lying. I can think of her that way, I just choose not to.

  She doesn’t think of me like that, either. We’ve always said we’re just friends. She’s into guys like Cole. And while I like my friend, I think he’s bad boyfriend material. When they split up, Eden was devastated. I think she still is devastated. She never talked to me about their breakup, and I didn’t want to ask questions.

  Maybe I didn’t want to know how he broke her heart.

  “Why not?”

  “It’ll ruin everything.”

  “Like what?”

  “Abraham, if we ever break up—and we might because no matter how hard I try, my relationships end—our friendship is over. Done. I will lose her forever. I can’t…” My voice trails off, and now I’m the one clearing my throat. “I can’t risk it. I like having her in my life. We talk every single day. Sometimes for hours. I need her to be there for me, and I like being there for her. Turning our friendship into something more will just lead to our downfall.”

  “You might not break up,” Abraham starts to point out, but I cut him off with just a look.

  “And then again, we might. It’s only November. Things can change in a few months, a few weeks. Hell, a few days.” I flop backward on the bed again and stare up at the ceiling. “I’d rather keep her in my life as a friend than risk going out with her. It’s the right thing to do.”

  Losing her would hurt too damn much. I need to keep her as a friend and keep my so-called relationships string-free. No more commitments. Hookups are the way to go.

  “Whatever, man. Your loss.” Abraham shakes his head. “When she comes to school one day telling us about that hot guy she met who’s gonna take good care of her, you’re going to regret it. So fucking hard.”

  I’m about to protest when Abraham’s phone buzzes, and he checks who the notification is from. “Holy crap, it’s her.” He’s reading the text or whatever. “She wants to meet me.”

  Look at that. Abraham’s getting lucky tonight after all. “You going to go meet her, then?”

  “You think I should?” His fingers are already flying, so I assume he’s made up his mind.

  “It can’t hurt.”

  “Cool. Done.” He sends the text and grins at me. “I’m out of here, man. Thanks for helping me in my time of need.”

  I walk him to the front door, my mind still spinning with thoughts of Eden. “Tell me the truth. You really were faking it about liking Eden?”

  He stops just before he’s about to open the door and turns to face me. “Yeah, I was. She’s cool as hell, she’s beautiful, she’s smart, but she’s not for me—she’s for you. I’ve always thought the two of you belonged together.”

  “Really?” His words are officially blowing my mind.

  Abraham nods. “Really. I find it hard to believe you never thought of her like that.”

  “Well, I have. I can’t lie. I just always figured that would be a mistake.”

  “I think the biggest mistake is you not even giving it a try.” He grabs my shoulders and gives me a little shake. “Talk to her. See what she says. See how she feels. And if she’s not into you, then at least you tried, right?”

  But what if she rejects me and our friendship is ruined? I can’t let that happen. I just…

  I can’t.

  Chapter Ten

  Josh

  “Hey, you finally made it.” Eden smiles and opens the front door wider. “I was starting to get worried.”

  Guilt swamps me and I try to ignore it, but it’s difficult. I don’t like disappointing or worrying Eden. “Sorry I’m late.” I walk inside her house and glance around while she closes the door. There is a bunch of unfamiliar people sitting in the living room watching the football game on the giant flat screen, all of them talking and shouting over each other. The house seems extra warm and smells like turkey and spice and pumpkin. I hear the clank of dishes, Eden’s brother Travis singing some song off key, and their mother telling him to please stop singing.

  It’s another happy Thanksgiving at the Sumner house.

  “Where have you been?” Eden asks after she shuts the door. I let my gaze roam over her, taking in what she’s wearing. She looks good in tight jeans and an oversize black sweater, the neck slipping off one shoulder and revealing a bright pink lacy bra strap. Her dark hair hangs long and straight, and she flips it over her shoulder as she studies me, her delicate brows scrunched in concern.

  “Aft
er my mom and her boyfriend left this morning for his parents’ house, I uh, I fell back asleep,” I explain.

  Her mouth drops open. “You slept most of the day then?”

  “Yeah. Sorta.” I shrug. That’s a lie. I did end up taking a nap after noon and slept too long, so yeah, technically that’s why I’m late. But I spent most of last night and this morning Snapchatting Whitney, and I’m not sure if I should tell Eden that or not.

  Because I’m also pretty sure I have Whitney halfway convinced she wants to hook up with me. Soon.

  What about Eden? What Abraham said has stuck with me. Made me realize that being with Eden, like the two of us as a real couple, would be…awesome.

  But what if it’s not? What if she’s not into me like that? What if we tried to get together and then it fell apart? I’d lose her forever. I can’t stand the thought of her not being in my life.

  So maybe I should just stick with her as my friend. That way I’m guaranteed never to lose her.

  “Oh, well I’m glad you made it.” Eden smiles and grabs my arm, leading me deeper into the living room. “Hey, everyone, you remember my friend Josh?”

  I wave when they all say hi, and a bunch of them give us that knowing look. The one that says, yeah, right you’re just friends.

  “You missed dinner,” she tells me as she drags me toward the kitchen. “My mom made a plate for you.”

  “She didn’t have to do that for—”

  “There you are!” Eden’s mom appears in front of me, a giant smile on her face. She’s wearing an apron that has fall leaves, turkeys, and pilgrims scattered all over it, and she wraps me up in her arms, giving me a big hug. “I thought you weren’t going to show.”

  “And miss your cooking? No way.” I withdraw from her embrace, smiling down at her. Mrs. Sumner is cool. She reminds me a lot of Eden. Not only do they look alike, but they also have the same laid-back personality.

  “You flatter me.” She smiles and waves me toward the granite counter where the bar stools are. “I saved you a plate when we worried you weren’t going to make it.”

  The guilt is back, even heavier now with what Eden’s mom said. Not that she’s trying to make me feel guilty. I shouldn’t have taken that nap. I should’ve manned up and showed up on time.

  Problem is Abraham freaked me out last night. Bad. With all that talk of Eden and me belonging together and how she’s essentially my girlfriend already so why don’t I just make it happen. She’s not my girlfriend, though. I’ve never even kissed her. Not a friendly kiss on the lips, the cheek, nothing that would give off a boyfriend-girlfriend vibe. We’ve hugged. Brief hugs that never linger. Oh, we cuddled on that lounger at the frat party a few nights ago. We’ve cuddled a few other times, too, but I never thought of her in that way.

  Okay, fine. I’ve thought about her in that way. Like with the sex pact. And the occasional sex dream. And the weird feeling in my stomach when I used to see her in her cheer uniform. Or when she smiles at me in a certain way. But it means nothing, you know? Or it meant nothing.

  Now it means…

  I don’t know what it means.

  Yeah. I don’t like Eden like that. Nope. Can’t do it. I’m going to focus on Whit instead. She’s down for whatever. She basically told me that last night when we were texting. Sent me a few sexy Snapchat photos that were set to about four seconds so I only caught a glimpse of bare skin and cleavage but it was enough to get me interested.

  Because that’s all I’m looking for. A quick lay. A girl to help me lose my virginity and that’s it. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

  Yet here I am at my best friend’s house, checking her out as she moves about the kitchen. The sweater keeps slipping off her shoulder, revealing that lacy pink bra strap, and I’m curious. What exactly does the bra look like? Since when did Eden start wearing neon pink bras? I bet she looks smokin’ hot in that bra and nothing else. Like super hot.

  Don’t freaking go there.

  Eden gets me something to drink while her mom fawns over me, making sure the food is to my liking. I sit at the kitchen counter and dig in, suddenly starving. I consume pretty much everything on that plate and ask for seconds on the mashed potatoes and gravy and another roll.

  “Watch your carbs,” Mrs. Sumner tells me when she hands over another warm roll.

  Eden rolls her eyes. “Josh doesn’t have to watch anything. He eats like a pig and never gains weight.”

  I pause mid-chew. “I eat like a pig?” I’m slightly offended.

  “You eat everything in sight, and you know it. Yet you never gain an ounce. It’s annoying.” Eden smiles and pushes the butter plate closer to me. “Go ahead, you know you want some.”

  I don’t take any of the butter on purpose and tear the roll in two, dunking one half in gravy before I shove it into my mouth, offering her a closed mouth smile with my cheeks full of bread. Eden just rolls her eyes and starts moving about the kitchen, helping her mother clean up.

  “Hey, Josh, glad you finally made it. They thought you weren’t gonna show up.” Travis appears in front of me, a big smile on his face. He holds his hand up, and I give him a high five, which of course causes Eden to roll her eyes. “What’s up, man?”

  “Nothing much. Just enjoying your mom’s cooking.”

  Travis grimaces. “It’s all right.” He’s a picky eater. Eden figures he’ll live on hamburgers and Dr Pepper for the rest of his life. Not a bad way to live, I’ve told her, which only irritates her further.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?” I glance around the kitchen, but Travis is alone. The dude always has a girlfriend—the current one is named Isabella, and they’ve been going out for about three months. Eden says they seem serious but we’ll see. Travis isn’t the most serious guy I know.

  “With her family. They go out of town to her grandparents’ house in Palm Springs every year for the holiday.” Travis grabs a handful of tortilla chips out of a bowl that’s sitting on the counter and shoves them in his mouth. “When’s the pie getting served, Ma?”

  “Stop calling her Ma,” Eden says irritably. When I send her a look, she explains. “He’s been calling her Ma lately, and it sounds so stupid.”

  “I watched a Little House on the Prairie marathon a few weeks ago, and they called their parents Ma and Pa. I like it,” Travis says with a shrug.

  “Who watches Little House on the Prairie?” Eden asks.

  “I loved that show when I was a kid,” Mrs. Sumner adds as she opens the refrigerator and starts pulling out one pie plate after the other, setting them on the counter.

  “That makes sense considering that show was actually popular when you were a kid,” Eden says, turning her glare on Travis. “Why you’re into it now makes absolutely no sense.”

  “Whatever. I was bored. It helped me kill some time.” Travis flicks his chin toward the pie dishes. “Is it pie time, Ma?”

  “In a few minutes. Let Josh finish his dinner first.”

  “I don’t want to hold up dessert,” I start to protest but Eden’s mom sends me a look.

  “Hush. Eat your food, Josh. When you’re done, then we’ll serve pie.”

  “Hurry up, Josh,” Travis says.

  “Shut up, Trav,” Eden snaps.

  “Eden Marie. We don’t say shut up in this house,” her mom tells her, her voice calm.

  I chuckle under my breath before shoving another forkful of mashed potatoes into my mouth. This right here feels normal. Eden and Travis arguing, their mom telling them to stop, me always observing. Laughing. Enjoying the moment. My older brother and sister are gone, and though we all drove each other crazy when they were still at home, now that it’s just Mom and me in the house, I miss them.

  Not that I’d ever admit it. But I envy Eden’s relationship with Travis, even though she says most of the time he makes her completely insane.

  “Don’t rush because Travis wants pumpkin pie,” Eden says, her voice low as she settles onto the barstool next to mine. “Take your time. Dri
ve him crazy.”

  “I’m not the one who wants to drive him crazy,” I tell her. “You are.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” She sighs and looks at me, her gaze meeting mine. There’s a faint smile curving her lips, and I stare at her mouth for a little too long. She has a great smile. A great laugh. She tucks her hair behind her ear, her fingers playing with the two tiny studs in her earlobe and I watch, momentarily fascinated.

  What if I did tell her we could make a great couple? What would she say? Would she agree with me? One simple discussion and we’d be together? Is that all it would take? Then I’d have every right to touch her. Tuck her hair behind her ear, my fingers lingering on her skin. Touch her earrings, trace them. Touch her neck. Kiss her there. Hold her hand. Capture her laughter with my lips. Make her hum in surprise. Make her moan—

  Eden leans in closer, her lips practically touching my ear. My skin prickles with awareness. “The turkey was too dry.”

  A shiver moves through me at her whisper. I turn to look at her, and our faces are so close. Too close. Kissing close. “I drowned mine with gravy so I couldn’t tell,” I tell her, then clear my throat.

  “Lucky you. That was the smart choice.” Her smile grows, and her blue eyes sparkle. Shiiiit, she is so pretty. And it’s like she realizes I just realized that, because the smile fades and she slowly pulls back, her eyes wide with shock or something like that.

  Yeah. Stay back. Keep away from me. I’m trying to keep this simple. No more complications, no more strings. I don’t need these weird thoughts screwing with my brain. I’m leaving soon. Kiss this town and everyone else in it good-bye. I need to focus on my future, and not on Eden.

  But the weird thoughts are still there. Like I can’t shake them. Can’t shake her. And I can’t. I don’t want to. She’s my best friend. There’s no one else that I’m closer to, that I want to be closer to. Just Eden.

  …

  Eden

  Josh is studying me weirdly. Like that way Molly does sometimes, as if she can see into the depths of my soul. It’s bad enough when Molly does it, and it’s super disconcerting when Josh does it, too. It’s like I want to cover myself and throw up a protective shield, what with the way he’s examining me.