Saving It

by Monica Murphy

  “Is there something on my face?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything.

  “No.” He slowly shakes his head. Sets his fork on top of his now empty plate and pushes it away from him. “You look good today, Edes.”

  My skin warms at his compliment, and I tell myself it means nothing. “You do, too.” He’s wearing new jeans and the blue flannel shirt unbuttoned over a white T-shirt, and his mom is right—the color does bring out the blue of his eyes.

  He glances down at himself. “Thanks.” Lifting his head, his gaze meets mine once more, and his expression turns serious. “So. I talked to Whit last night.”

  My hopes come crashing down. Just like that we’re back to him looking to get laid—with another girl. Anyone but me. “Oh yeah?” I try my best to keep my voice casual.

  “Yeah, we talked a lot actually. She’s a huge flirt, lots of fun.” Josh smiles, but there’s something about it that seems a little off. “I think maybe she’s the perfect candidate after all.”

  “Candidate for what?” Travis asks, suddenly appearing on Josh’s other side.

  “Nothing,” both Josh and I say at the same time.

  Travis sends us a suspicious look. “You two are up to no good.”

  “More like he’s up to no good.” I point at Josh. It’s so true. He just wants to have sex with a girl and nothing else. Maybe that’s my problem. He looks at me and sees serious. But he likes relationships, too. He’s never been a casual hookup type of guy. So what changed?

  “Hey. Thanks for making me look bad,” Josh jokes, knocking me from my thoughts.

  “Ma, Josh is finally done eating. Let’s have pie,” Travis practically pleads. He’s so annoying with the Ma crap and wanting pie so badly.

  But then again, everything’s bugging me lately. I feel tense. Wound up. Nervous. I blame Josh.

  Correction. I blame my sudden, confusing feelings for Josh.

  “If you want pie, then go ask everyone in the living room what kind they want. Get a count and then you can help me pass the plates out,” Mom says, making me smile. Guess I got out of that one.

  Travis grumbles and leaves the kitchen. Mom heads out to the garage to get the whipped cream out of the other refrigerator, leaving Josh and me alone.

  “So you gave up on Marin?” I ask.

  He blinks at me, like he doesn’t recognize the name at first. Jeez. “Oh yeah. Marin. She still hasn’t opened my Snapchat, and I sent it days ago.”

  “Scratch her off the list then.” Why can’t he scratch everyone off the list and consider me?

  Ugh. I know why. I’m not in it for a quickie, especially after what I told him. About wanting to be with a guy I’m in love with when I finally do have sex for the first time. And that’s true. I really do want that. All these years, all the time I’ve spent with Josh, and here I am, wanting to actually be with him.

  It’s weird.

  “I already did scratch her off the list. Besides, Whitney is totally down. She sort of hinted around about the two of us hooking up this weekend.” He hesitates before he says, “Actually she did ask me if I wanted to hook up with her this weekend.”

  “Hook up as in…” I brace myself for his answer. My heart is racing. Like it feels like it wants to jump out of my mouth and run away from my body.

  Josh sits up straight. “Well, I won’t move that fast, because that would just make me an asshole, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe not, if that’s all you want and that’s all she wants.” I cannot believe I just said that. That I’m actually encouraging him to hook up with this girl like the pimp that I secretly am. This is all so screwed up. What I’m doing, what Josh is doing, and how I’m helping him.

  “Are you serious, Eden?” He looks shocked. And he actually said my full name, instead of calling me Edes. That’s rare.

  Slowly I nod. Maybe if I convince him I believe this, I’ll convince myself, too. “Well, yeah. You’re looking to get laid, and she’s willing to help you out with that, so…” I subtly glance around the kitchen. Where the hell is my mom? How long does it take to grab a couple of cans of whipped cream?

  “You’re right.” He’s nodding, like I just gave him the permission he needed to hear. “There’s no emotional connection with her. I’ll just—do it with Whitney, and then it’s over.”

  “So romantic,” I say sarcastically, like I can’t help myself, which I can’t.

  “Yeah, yeah. I know you’re looking to do it with a guy you care about and all that, but that’s too much hassle.” He waves a hand.

  Too much hassle. He’s so funny. And blind. So freaking blind. Why doesn’t he realize that the two of us together would make total sense? That he’s the guy I would willingly give up my virginity to because I trust him implicitly. Like there’s no one else I’m as close to as Josh.

  No one.

  It hit me last night when I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. I’ve been fighting it all along, and I was fully ready to tell him how I felt at this very moment but…

  He wants Whitney. Not me.

  “You should go for it,” I say firmly. “Get together with Whitney. See what happens. If she is ready and willing to do it, then—perfect. It’ll all work out just how you want.”

  Saying those words leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and I swallow hard. Why can’t I tell him the truth? Why am I pushing him to get together with Whitney?

  “Just how I want,” he echoes, his expression almost…forlorn.

  And now I’m confused. Why does he look sad? He’s going to get everything he wants. What more could he ask for? Please don’t tell me it’s still about that pact. I forgot about it. I thought he had, too. People say stupid stuff when they’re fourteen and desperate. That’s who we were then.

  We’re not those people now. Even though I would willingly be with Josh, I’m not about to do him because of a pact.

  That’s just tacky. There’s more to our friendship—our relationship than a sex pact.

  “Edes.” He clears his throat, his gaze locking with mine. Without warning he reaches for my hand, holding it loosely in his. My fingers tingle from his touch, and that’s never happened before. Not that I’ve ever noticed. “I want to ask you a question.”

  My entire body breaks out in chills. “About what?” My voice is soft. My heart is racing. This feels like it could become a moment. Like a life changing, forever different kind of moment.

  “I don’t know how to say this exactly.” He laughs and shakes his head. “Abraham and I were talking last night, and he told me the craziest thing. Do you know that he—”

  “Found the whipped cream!” Mom strides into the kitchen clutching two cans of Reddi-wip in her hands, her cheeks pink and her hair windblown. “Sorry I took so long, was talking to Mrs. Hankins next door.”

  Josh drops my hand, focusing all his attention on my mother, his question for me forgotten. Just like that. “What kind of pie do you have, Mrs. Sumner?”

  “Pumpkin, apple, and pecan. All homemade.” Mom is beaming proudly. She loves baking pies, and she’s good at it, too. “Want a slice of each?”

  He leans back in his chair, patting his flat stomach. “I’ll just stick with a big slice of pumpkin, please.”

  I’m this close to losing it over Josh not finishing his question, and he’s acting like it’s no big deal. All he cares about is getting a piece of pumpkin pie.

  Whatever.

  Mom looks right at me. “What about you?”

  “Um, I’m not hungry,” I say weakly, earning a weird look from her. I’m always hungry for pumpkin pie, and she knows it.

  “All right, whatever you say.” She pauses, her brows furrowed in concern, and I pray she doesn’t ask me what’s wrong. “Where’s your brother?”

  “Right here, Ma. Got the list.” Travis enters the kitchen, holding up his phone.

  “Let’s get to work,” Mom says with a smile.

  I watch them buzz around the kitchen, waiting until they aren’t
as close before I talk to Josh again.

  “What did you want to ask me?”

  He smiles, but it’s a nervous attempt at best. “I’ll talk to you about it later. Promise.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Eden

  Josh never talked to me about that mysterious question, and I never asked again, either. It was like he couldn’t bother to bring it back up, and I was too scared considering I’m a total chicken. So instead, he devoured my mother’s pumpkin pie, finished the slice she forced on me, then moaned and groaned the rest of the time he was at my house about his full stomach and how tired he was.

  Finally, I told him I was tired, too, and basically kicked him out. He looked hurt, Travis protested his leaving, but I wasn’t having it. I needed Josh out of my house.

  After the last couple of days, I’m wondering if it would be better to have Josh out of my life. For good.

  Yeah, right. Like that could ever happen. Like you’d actually want that to happen.

  I worked Black Friday, which wasn’t that bad considering I’m employed at a gift shop in a touristy area versus a store in a mall. Saturday afternoon has been pretty easy, too. The customers have been steady, and I’m scheduled to close at six. It’s almost five now, and I’m counting down the minutes until I get to go home, take a quick shower, and dive under my covers, where I’ll hide out for the rest of the night.

  Yeah. I’m so over this break. Over helping Josh with his girl problems—really got myself tied up into a mess with that one. I need to get back to school and focus on other stuff. Other people.

  No more Josh.

  “Eden. I had a feeling you’d be working.”

  I turn at the familiar male voice to find my ex-boyfriend Cole standing in front of me, a faint smile curling his lips. I return the smile and give in to sudden temptation, going in for a hug. “Cole. What are you doing here?”

  He gives me a brief squeeze before withdrawing. “My grandparents are in town, and they wanted to go to the beach. So we’ve been walking around looking at all the shops down here.”

  “Are you bored yet?”

  “You know it,” he says with an easy smile.

  Everything was always easy with Cole—until it wasn’t. He’s like a light switch. Most of the time he’s on and it’s great. But when he shuts off, forget it. He freezes you out, refusing to turn back on. Once he’s done, he’s done.

  And he’s frozen me out twice now over the years. I’m not a believer in that three times a charm saying, either.

  A customer approaches the counter, and I go to ring up her purchase, carefully folding the T-shirts she chose before I stuff them in a bag. Cole lingers by the counter, thumbing through a bowl of colorful polished rocks, and when the customer finally leaves, he’s standing in front of me once more with a nervous smile.

  “So what are you up to?” he asks.

  I glance around the store before my gaze meets his. “Uh, working?” He’s sort of annoying me. But ever since we broke up, he’s sort of annoyed me. I understand what I saw in him. He’s cute with his floppy brown hair and his light brown eyes, his mischievous moods, and his easygoing personality.

  But we argued a lot. He was jealous of my friendship with Josh. I was jealous of his flirtatious ways. He broke up with me twice because he thought he found someone better, and I realized after the second time, I would never measure up to his standards.

  Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t measure up. I’m okay as a friend, but not good enough as girlfriend material.

  Ugh. I’ve never had major self-esteem issues, so what’s my deal now?

  “What are you doing later?” When I frown, Cole continues. “Tonight.”

  “I’ll be at home, I guess.”

  “Want to go to dinner with me?”

  I cross my arms. “Why?”

  He starts to laugh and shrugs. “Why not? It could be fun.”

  “I don’t know, Cole. Haven’t we done this before already? Like twice?” I drop my arms, feeling a little helpless, a lot confused.

  “Maybe we should do it again.” He leans across the counter and grabs hold of my hand. “I’ve missed you, Eden.”

  My brain is telling me oh hell no. My heart is telling me maybe? Some other part of me keeps asking a question on repeat.

  What about Josh?

  “Have you missed me?” Cole asks when I still haven’t said anything. He squeezes my hand, his expression hopeful.

  I withdraw my hand from his and take a step back. “You know I missed you. You were the one who broke up with me.”

  “Biggest regret of my life so far,” he says with absolute certainty.

  The temptation to roll my eyes is strong, but I keep it in check. “Yeah well, you’ve made your point. And to be honest, I really don’t think we should do this again.”

  He stuffs his hands in his pockets, his expression contrite. Cole is really good at laying it on thick in order to get what he wants. I’ve fallen for this sort of thing before. I’m hoping I’m smart enough—and strong enough—not to cave right now. “Just…give me another chance. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, especially this last week. And I’ve realized I miss you a lot. Life isn’t the same without you in it.”

  My heart perks up in that hopeful way it does when Cole says the right things, and I mentally tell it to calm down. We’ve been down this road before.

  “We’re still friends, Cole,” I say gently.

  “It’s not the same, and you know it. We don’t really talk. You barely look at me.” His jaw firms, and his lips tighten. “I’m surprised you and Josh didn’t get together after we broke up.”

  My mouth drops open. Where did that come from? “What? Are you serious?”

  “Well, yeah. I figured it was only a matter of time. Feels like Josh has been lying in wait for years.”

  “That’s—that’s not true.” I’m shaking my head, totally in denial, but come on. Why does this keep happening? Can’t I just be friends with the guy? Why does everyone think Josh and I somehow belong together? Is this some sort of sign from the universe? Have we both been blind all this time and now all of a sudden, I realize that we could be perfect together?

  Yeah. Maybe.

  “You really believe he just wants to be your friend?” Cole is practically sneering.

  “Yes, I believe he is my friend, and that’s all he wants. He’s my best friend, and you know it. Josh has never tried to make a move on me. Ever,” I say firmly, because it’s freaking true. We’ve only ever been friends. Josh never tried to touch me inappropriately. He’s never tried to kiss me or said anything to me that would imply he was interested in me sexually.

  And for all these years, I’ve felt the same. Until all this “help me find a girl to have sex with” stuff came up, and now my mind is a mess and my emotions are everywhere.

  It sucks.

  “You’re just blind,” Cole says irritably. “He’s totally into you.”

  “And you’re just jealous. You always have been,” I throw back at him. “I can’t even believe we’re having this discussion right now while I’m at work.”

  “You avoid me everywhere else. It’s the only place where I knew I could talk to you.”

  “What do you mean? I don’t avoid you.” Well, I sort of have. He Snapchats me. I leave him unopened. He texts me; I send him minimal replies back. Yes, we’re friends but most of the time our conversations are awkward at best.

  Like now. This conversation is off the charts awkward. In fact, it’s not even a conversation.

  It feels like a fight.

  “You do avoid me.” His expression softens, and he comes around so now he’s standing behind the counter with me. “And I don’t want us to treat each other like this, Eden. I want you back in my life.”

  “Cole, I just…I can’t do this right now.” I glance around the store, wishing a customer would walk in. Anything to get me out of this conversation.

  “Can we talk later? I’ll take you to dinner.
” He smiles, his entire face lighting up. “What time are you off here?”

  “I can’t…” My voice drifts, but he’s not having it.

  “Come on, it’s just dinner. It’ll be fun.” He grabs my hand again, interlacing our fingers together. “Like old times.”

  “Isn’t your family looking for you?” I ask weakly, hating how good it feels when he rubs his thumb across the top of my hand.

  “I’ll go find them in a minute. Just say yes, Eden.” He squeezes my hand. “Please.”

  I stare into his familiar brown eyes, reminding myself that it ended so badly between us before. Yet, I’m drawn to him still. I have no business giving Josh any crap over Kaylie. I’m just as bad with Cole. “Fine,” I finally murmur. “I’ll go to dinner with you.”

  This will probably be a huge mistake but…

  Cole beams and leans in, giving me a quick kiss on the lips. I’m so startled I can’t even find the words to speak. “Want me to pick you up here or at your house?”

  “I’d like to go home and change first, so pick me up at the house. Maybe around seven-thirty?” I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.

  “I’ll see you at seven-thirty then.” He kisses my cheek this time, squeezes my hand, and then he’s striding out of the store.

  I slump against the counter, my mind spinning. What did I just do? What did I just agree to? Am I trying to banish my weird, confusing feelings for Josh by refocusing on Cole? That’s the worst idea ever.

  Ever.

  Grabbing my phone, I open up Snapchat and start typing.

  …

  Josh

  Want to come over tonight?

  I stare at the five words that show up in my chat with Whitney, blinking at them. Trying to comprehend them. Talk about moving fast. I asked for Eden’s help last Friday. Eight days later and I have a girl who sounds like she’s ready, willing, and able.

  So why am I sitting here like a dumbass staring at her text when I could’ve already answered her and been halfway to the shower by now?

  Looking up, I glance around my room, tapping my fingers against my knee. I’m sitting on my bed, and only a few minutes ago I was bored out of my mind. I’d tried messaging Eden, but she didn’t respond. When I reached out to Abraham, he told me he was at dinner with his family. I hadn’t talked to Cole all week so I sent him a text, but he didn’t respond, either. I even sent a Snap to Molly, and she sent me one in return almost immediately.