When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  Once our lips touch, I know I’m a fucking goner!

  CHAPTER 11

  CASS

  When he grabbed my face, I didn´t know what to expect. Was he angry at me for giving him yet another lecture? Was he fed up with my prying and always being on his case?

  But when I looked into his eyes, all I saw was sweet tenderness. The boy that I described was all there. Every particle of his being reflected all that I knew to be true. He was human, kind and altruistic. The Isaac that I knew existed was right here in front of me and he was going to kiss me.

  My heart was running too fast and it refused to act normally. I could do this. I´d kissed boys before but just the thought of kissing Isaac was too much for my little heart to handle. I closed my eyes, eagerly anticipating how his lips would feel on mine. When he came close enough that I could feel his body close to mine, I thought I couldn’t even breathe let alone be kissed. He did anyway, and I realized that I had never truly been kissed at all. His lips were soft and exquisite as he explored my own lips. They were so warm. So beautifully warm that just by their proximity to one of my body parts, made the rest of it heat up in appreciation. He teased my lips to open with his tongue, and I did it willingly.

  At first, it felt like the whole roof of the gymnasium had disappeared so that rays of sunshine could illuminate us both. It was like being hit by lightning over and over again and that made it hard for my knees not to buckle down right there and then. I felt him come in closer and with one hand still holding onto my face, he placed his other hand on my lower back holding me tightly to him. I didn’t want this sensation to end. Ever! How could a kiss awaken every part of your body as if it had never truly existed in the first place?

  It ended much too quickly than I would have liked and from the way my heart was hammering on and on, I don’t think any amount of time would have been enough for me. I saw “my” Isaac just a second longer and then just like that he vanished and his armor was up.

  “Fuck Cass! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that. You were being kind and I had to do that, for crying out loud!” His hand is in his hair with such panicked looked on his face that all the heat I had in my heart a few seconds ago is replaced with ice water. “I’m such an asshole! Ever since I got here, you’ve been nothing but good to me. If it wasn’t for you, I would of have never even stepped foot into this place. You’re probably my best friend and how do I repay that? By taking advantage of the situation and pulling a ‘dick’ move in kissing you.” He looks down at his feet and he sounds ashamed.

  Suddenly I have a real urge to cry. I had been holding back my frustration and tears since this afternoon when my dad said that he wasn´t coming for Thanksgiving. All that had cheered me up was watching Isaac around all these kids and seeing that he was in his own element from the window in the study room. Now, I felt my once hammering heart, fall dead silent. All I heard now was the tearing that was happening to it. Very slowly tearing itself apart without making a single sound.

  “Cass? Are we okay? Cass? Are we good?” His voice is low and he is looking at me pleadingly. It’s my turn to look at my feet. In no way was I going to let him see that this kiss meant more to me than it did to him. «Stupid! So Stupid! Friends remember? That´s all you’re getting. Live with it and move on. Isn’t that what you wanted anyway? Head held high, tears to the back of the room please and get this over and done with»

  “We’re good. Of course, we’re good! Just came out really to see how you were doing with these little rascals! I have to get back. I left my own little monsters doing a quiz, so by this time they have probably cheated their way through it. I´ll see you later.” I said leaving but not before showing him my most ‘That kiss was no big deal and did not faze me in any way’ smile. As soon as I turned away from him, that lie left my face as quickly as I had been able to summon it.

  Once I got into the study room, the kids were all goofing off but there was no life in me to reprimand them. I quickly went to the window and lowered the shades in order to block the direct view to what pained me now.

  ISAAC

  What the hell had I been thinking?! I had to ruin it! I couldn’t keep my hands off her! Fuck!! This is what I do. I turn a good thing into a fucking mess. What does she think of me now? How do I get back to where I was before? I had gained her trust. She didn’t think I was a scumbag like she first thought I was. So what do I do? I go out of my way to prove that her first instincts were right all along.

  To kiss her like that... In a damn gym of all places. Worse, to do it in the center that she has worked at for years. I saw that both teams were so into the game that they didn´t even see her come in, much less seen the kiss itself. Still they did have a front seat to it and who was responsible for that? Me! Again, what the hell was I thinking?!

  I knew exactly what I was thinking. Cass didn’t even enter the equation. I had to have her, so I did. I showed her no respect. None, whatsoever. An unwanted thought comes to my head and even though I try to push it aside, it lingers on until I acknowledge it. «Like father like son»

  I try to swallow the bile that makes its way up my throat. If I cared for her, like she deserves to be cared for, our first kiss wouldn’t have been this way. If I truly cared for her, it would have been completely different. Cass deserved so much more than this, being kissed in a smelly gym. She deserved more! She deserved more than me.

  Yet, I can still taste her. My whole body says that this kiss was the only right thing I’ve done since I came back to Plymouth. Her lips had tasted sweet like cherries. But when she let me in her mouth, that’s when I felt like I would explode if I didn’t have all of her.

  It wasn’t my imagination, she had let me in. She was shaking so much that I had to pull her to me in order to make sure that she wouldn’t leave me. ‘She was shaking, cause she didn’t want you, you idiot and what do you do? You grab onto her so she couldn’t escape. Pretty rapie don’t you think asshole?!’

  I cringe at the thought and feel the bile move further up. Even though I had apologized, I saw how hurt she was. How I had betrayed her trust and the long road ahead that I needed to go through just to regain it. To get to where we were just five minutes ago.

  There was no way around it. I would have to get a girl fast. Even if it had to be one of those ditsy friends of Veronica´s, those girls that she is always saying would love to go out with me. Maybe that way I will be able to get Cass out of my head. My infatuation with her cannot be the thing that ruins us. Her friendship is too important to me. She’s too important. I needed to do this if I wanted to keep her in my life. After being with Cass these past couple of months, my life without her isn’t much of one.

  I see one of the kids, Mason, do a nasty trip of one of the younger kids, Charlie, which ends up sending him head first to the ground.

  “Damn it, Mason!! What the hell was that?” I bark out and I know it comes out as angry as I feel. Suddenly I have a dozen kids looking at me in utter shock. I count to three and try to cool down as I make my way into the middle of the court.

  “Mason, I want you to hear the words that I’m about to say and not my tone, okay? Can you do that for me, buddy?” He nods and I see that he is half frightened, and half teary-eyed.

  “Good. So I want you to think about basketball the same way you do about life. Or any game for that matter. In life, as in sports, there are always rules. Now, you will see a lot of people, in life and in sports, bend these rules. Some will even go so far as to break them to get ahead but you have to look real deep inside of yourself. Do you want to be the type of person that will do anything to win, even if this means breaking the rules? Even if it means hurting the people around you? Or do you want to be that type of person that does what’s right and plays a fair game? Just like in life Mason, you will have to make these decisions, but only you will be accountable for them. No one else.” They are all around me now listening attentively and I feel my tone soften.

  “This goes to the rest of you guys too. Think
about who you want to be. How will you look like in the mirror a year, two years even ten years from now? Will you have your head held high because you did what was right, or will you cower because you made decisions that you are ashamed of? Remember that at night when you go to sleep, it’s your head that falls on the pillow, no one else´s. Will it be light because you are, or will it be heavy with regret?” My hand is on Mason's shoulder and he no longer looks like he’s about to cry. He walks over to Charlie and offers his hand to pull him up off the ground.

  “I´m sorry, Charlie. It won’t happen again. I got your back, okay?” Charlie’s face is full of unshed tears, but he grabs Mason´s hand just the same. He lets one slip away from him. Mason quickly clears the tear away from his face so that the other kids don’t see it and gives Charlie a quick wink as if to say that it will be their secret. I blow the whistle and yell for them to continue the game as if nothing had happened. I go to the sidelines once more and look over to Cass’s window. Her shades have been pulled down and I know they weren’t before.

  ‘Hypocrite!’ I yell at myself. When I turn in tonight I know exactly how heavy my head will be on that pillow.

  Lead, just like my heart.

  CHAPTER 12

  CASS

  “What´s wrong?” Jess asks over the phone. I find that having a best friend who knows you inside out at times can really irritate the hell out of you.

  “Nothing’s wrong. Why do you assume that something is wrong just by the sound of my voice? I can tell you that I’m quite elated.”

  “Yeah, yeah! Cut the crap! I might not be able to see you, but I know you. Why didn’t you drop by after your tutoring at the center? You always drop by, and tonight you do a no show. So what’s with that, huh? Something is definitely up and don’t even try to pull those fancy words that you look up in the dictionary to avoid the subject. Elated my ass!” She snaps at me and even though I can’t see her, I imagine her with her arm on her hip looking at me disapprovingly.

  She is right, though. Ever since Isaac has been helping out at the youth center and driving me to and fro, we have always stopped at Jess’s before he took me home. Tonight I wanted to keep as much distance as I could from Isaac. I didn’t want him to see just how gutted I was. So when I asked him to take me straight home, he didn’t say a word and did what I asked.

  He had kissed me on a whim, and it hadn’t meant anything to him. I knew that that kiss would stay with me forever. It hurt so much that he didn’t feel the same. I would have to protect myself in the future. I couldn’t let myself get into a similar situation again. Even though I wanted nothing more, the backlash of it was excruciating.

  To make matters worse, when I got home Nicky told me that dad had called and that all he had heard was mom fighting with him over the phone. I had wanted to do the same when he told me that he couldn’t come. He said that his presence at the rig was crucial for next week, but that he would make it up to us over Christmas break. He said that he had put his foot down with the OIM and that he needed at least two weeks off at Christmas. That was only a few weeks away. I had accepted that, but apparently my mother wasn’t as forgiving.

  She had left roasted chicken with mash potatoes and green beans in the kitchen for dinner for me and Nicky, but she said that she needed to turn in early due to a migraine, so she wasn’t going to be able to join us. She was turning in early a lot these days, and it was usually due to her not feeling well. I didn’t know what caused less panic in me. That she was always sick lately and needed to be in bed all day or that she was too depressed to even to be around her own children. What scenario here is the right one to hope for? Because both sucked!

  Jess is still on the line waiting for a response and I really don’t have one to tell her. I actually do have plenty to tell her, I just can’t. I don’t want to talk about my dad and how he’s never here when we need him. I don’t want to talk about what’s been happening with my mom either. Jess would try and get me to get her to the hospital ASAP. If she is sick, then this would be the logical and responsible way to go. If she is depressed though, what can they really do for her? Fill her with meds and give her a little white nightgown that she would have to use while she was committed to the hospital. No, not an option. Nicky and I will take care of her just as she has taken care of us all our lives.

  So I come up with the explanation that she has been carving away at since she called, but I try one more time to avoid giving it.

  “Jess, I’m good, okay? I just needed to come home early tonight.”

  “Is it your dad? I ran into Nick this afternoon and offered him a ride. He told me that your dad called saying that he was going to have to bail on Thanksgiving.” She sighs on the other line.“How did your mom take it?” I hear her concern, but I don’t want her to continue this type of questioning. Especially, since I didn’t know how to answer. How was my mom doing? Was she handling it normally, but had just been under the weather these past months, or was she absolutely losing it? I don’t know and its scares me that I don’t know the answer to such a simple question.

  “She’s dealing.” I change the subject as fast as possible and hope that Jess doesn’t pick up on it. “She did say that since dad’s not coming that I can finally go to Mechanic Pete´s to fix whatever is ailing my car. I’m going to take it tomorrow after school so I won’t need a ride to the youth center. Do you mind telling Isaac for me?” I hear her connecting the dots in her head, but I don’t say a word.

  “Aren´t Fridays at the youth center your thing?” I know that when she says “your thing” she’s really saying ‘my and Isaac´s thing’.“And why do you want me to tell him? Why don’t you just tell him tomorrow morning when we pick you up to go to school?” She says it as a question, but I know exactly the trap that she is setting up for me.

  “Oh, I said I would ride with Nicky’s friend tomorrow. It seems that I’m supposed to be some sort of buffer. You know the one that I’m talking about right? The cute one with the nose ring?” Smart Cass, keep her entertained with someone else’s drama and not yours.

  “You’re so full of bull, Cassandra!” she shrieks.

  “No, I’m serious, it’s sweet the way she is so into Nicky.” One last attempt.

  “Damn it Cass, stop fooling around and stop evading the question. What’s wrong? It's Isaac isn´t it?” and there it is, as usual, straight for the jugular.

  “He came home tonight like he had just run over a puppy or something and then you don’t come over either so I know something happened. Now spill, goddamn it!”

  There is no way around it. She has been silent for way to long and tonight was just what she needed to get into it knee deep.

  “Fine! We kissed, satisfied? It didn’t mean anything. He was happy and got carried away. He ended it as fast as he started it. He apologized immediately after. So no harm, no foul. Everything is cool, okay?” I tell her in an exasperated tone.

  “So he kissed you? And he was the one that ended it, not you?” Again why does she have to scrutinize every little thing I say? I love her, but right now I want to hang up and ignore that I have a phone altogether.

  “Yes, like I said. I also said that he apologized and that it won’t happen again.”

  “Sure it won’t,” she says cynically.

  “Jess, if I say it isn’t going to happen, it’s because it’s not. We’re friends. That’s all.” I feel that only if I am angry will she take my word for it. It’s not difficult to sound angry when you are in fact completely fuming.

  “Okay, Cass. If you say it’s not going to happen again, then I believe you but I have to tell you, dear friend, that ignorance does not suit you and it sure as hell doesn’t suit me. I see how you two have been around each other ever since Isaac came back home. You’re almost inseparable. So I see how this sort of thing was bound to happen.” I hear her sigh out loud as she takes a minute. Her tone is more compassionate now.

  “I love my cousin, but I also love you. I know you both very, very well. I
saac has his own crap to figure out and all he wants is to keep his head above water. You, on the other hand, want to keep with the plan you set up for yourself since we were in elementary school together. Both of you hooking up, will not end well and inevitably be the end of what each one of you has set out to do. I don’t want to see either of you hurt.” Another pause. I recognize that she is using her debating skills on me and trying very hard not to say too much, but just enough.

  “Having said that; if you have feelings for him Cass, don’t take too long to tell him. Again, I know my cousin. He’s not one to stay single for very long and I’ve been surprised that he didn’t hook up with anyone since the minute he got here. I was hoping that you were the reason for him to break character. He has you know? Changed. I just don’t know if he changed when he was in Arizona all these years, or if it was from hanging around you. I guess I also hoped for the latter.”

  “But if you don’t feel anything, and it’s really just friendship, then I guess it’s wise to start giving each other some distance. This way lines won’t get blurred and people that I care about won’t get hurt.” I couldn’t tell if when she said, people that she cared about, if she meant him or me. I took it to heart as both.

  “Don’t worry Jess. I know what needs to be done to get back on track. It´s late Jess and I have had a hell of a day. Do you mind if we talk tomorrow?”