When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  “Cassandra, I am your mother. If I tell you that your father is coming today, then he is! Get up! I need you to get dressed and pick him up! Do you hear me, miss?” A knife went through my heart. What could I do? Confront her again and have this unreal situation escalate. Should I do that? My little brother was in the next room, should I call out for him? I was scared and confused. Nicky would feel the same. He would feel as helpless as I’m feeling, maybe worse. No, I would protect Nicky as much as I could. I would not let him down again. Mom would gain consciousness in a couple of hours and this would all be a bad dream. Today was just one of her bad days. What is that thing that you do with people that sleepwalk? Don’t wake them so they don’t enter into shock, right? Well, that is what I would do with my mother in this state. Pretend that everything was fine and go along with it. In a couple of hours, it would be daytime. Maybe if mom slept, she would come back to her senses.

  “Ok, mom. Of course. I’ll get dressed. Just give me a minute, ok?” I said trying to give her my most genuine smile. I saw my mom relax. I hadn´t realized how tense she had been before but as soon as I told her that I would go, her face looked tame and fragile.

  “Thank you, honey. I know it’s a long drive, but your father will really appreciate it.” I got up and put on my jeans and white t-shirt on. It was night out so I put on my blue cardigan that Ronnie had given me for my birthday. Without bringing too much attention to it, I also brought my school bag. I would have to go to school. But where would I go between now and then? I came down the stairs and heard mom in the kitchen.

  “I made you some coffee so you can take with you, Hun,” she said smiling. My mother looked worn out but when she smiled, I felt that I achieved something. How could I rob her of that smile? Even though I know I would have to confront the fact that, on my return from this fictitious airport run, I would not have my father with me. How will that even play out? I couldn’t think of that now. I would have to content myself with the fact that this would, at least, make her happy and content.

  “Thanks, mom,” I said feeling worn. She came over to me and kissed me on my forehead looked me in the eye.

  “I love you so much, Cass. Do you know how much I love you?” I felt tears sting behind my eyes, threatening that they would burst out at any minute.

  “I love you too, mom.” I grabbed the coffee from the counter and my coat from the coat rack and I left as fast as I could.

  It was colder than I thought it would be outside and I ran to the car. What was I going to do? It had just turned 2. Everyone was asleep. I wouldn’t have to be at school for the next six hours. I was tired, I was drained and I was frightened. I was full of so many emotions, that if I let them all come out I would go insane.

  I looked at my phone and did something that immediately I knew I would regret.

  -R U Up?

  I sat there in the driveway for few minutes and I knew I couldn’t stay there for much longer. Sooner or later, my mom would realize that I hadn’t left yet and whatever was going on with her, I wanted it to be contained within my home. Not outside, where all the neighbors could see. No, not that. Not again. It is best that this goes unnoticed until I could figure out what this was.

  I was startled when I heard the ping on my phone.

  -U ok?

  -Where r u?

  I looked at the text. Screw it! I couldn’t sleep in my car, so this was my only solution.

  -I’ll be at your door in 5 minutes. Will you let me in?

  It didn’t take long to receive the next text.

  -Ok

  I started the car and pulled out of my driveway. As I did that, I caught a glimpse of a shadow next to the living room curtains. My mother watched me drive off and waved. The knife in my heart twisted a little further and it made me sick to my stomach.

  I drove up to Jess’s house in exactly the promised five minutes. Isaac was already outside waiting. I got out of the car and walked up the porch steps. He was only wearing pajama bottoms and all of the sudden, my head went blank.

  He grabbed my hand and made a small sign with his index finger not to make a sound. He opened the front door and brought me inside. He led me up the stairs silently and very quickly, I realized he was taking me up to his room. A shiver went down my spine. Did he think this is why I texted him? To hook up? Once we got to his room, he sat me on the bed and kneeled in front of me.

  “Are you ok, Cass? What’s wrong? You’re shaking. What can I do?” He said looking into my eyes with an earnest voice. Of course, that’s not what he thought. Of course, he was worried. I must look like a rag doll. I must look as broken on the outside as I feel inside. A mess! That’s what I was, a mess. How could he help with that? How could he fix me when I didn’t know how to fix myself? How could I tell him that my world was falling apart because the woman that has taken care of me all her life is losing it all over again? How could I tell him that I’m scared to go home because I have no idea how my mother will react once I show up without my father in tow?

  I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t tell him my life was falling apart, that my family was falling apart, just when things started to get better. I couldn’t. And just like that, I felt it. My tears decided that it was time to come out. They gave me the big middle finger and thought that it was ok to make an appearance.

  “You’re killing me, Cass,” he said as he wiped my tears. I looked at him, straight at him and I saw not pity but worry. Genuine concern. I shouldn’t have come. What was I thinking? I got up from the bed and straightened myself out.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry, I woke you. I’m fine. Truly.”

  “Liar,” he said as he grabbed both my hands so that I couldn’t move. “You don’t want to talk tonight, I won’t make you. Not tonight. But it’s dark out. Get some rest. Come on, you’ll feel better with a few more hours sleep. I’ll wake you before the rest of the house wakes up. Come on.” He said while pulling the duvet back down from his bed.

  “Ok. Maybe just a couple of hours,” I said, relieved that he didn’t ask questions as to why I was out or why I didn’t just go home.

  I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. His bed looked warm and I could smell his scent coming from his pillows. Yes, that would be good. Sleep sounded perfect right now. To escape even for just a little bit.

  I walked to the other side of his bed and I took off my coat and cardigan and placed it on his chair, next to his desk. I saw Isaac get into bed and straighten the place next to him, placing his second pillow across from his own for me. As I started unbuttoning my jeans, I felt his eyes on me so I turned around as I took them off. I then sat on the bed and took off my socks. All the while I was hearing my heart thump in my ears and this time, it was due to an entirely different type of emotion then the one that I had showed up with. I felt I was still very frightened but this time, I was frightened about what would happen once I got into Isaac’s bed. When I turned around, his eyes were closed. I felt that it was safe to get in. Once I settled, I immediately felt warm.

  “You feel like ice, Cass,” he yelped, this time with his eyes very alert. That made me smile. Apparently I had not forgotten how to do that. I crawled closer.

  “Jesus woman, you’re cold!” He cried. I shushed him, reminding him that there was a house full of people that I did not want to be aware that I was there. He turned to his side facing me with a grin and brought me even closer, wrapping his arms around me. His smell was tantalizing and delicious. Apples and honey. He smelled of apples and honey and this had become my favorite smell in the whole world.

  It dawned on me that, all that was separating us from ourselves was my white t-shirt and his pajama bottoms. I didn’t feel cold anymore. I actually felt very, very hot. Too hot! The heat from his body would melt me. I thought that wouldn’t be a bad way to go. To melt in his arms sounded like nirvana to me. I felt his arms hugging me ever so tenderly; as my head lay on his chest hearing his heart beat.

  “Rest, Cass
. I’ll wake you in a couple of hours and take you to school. Everything is fine now. Close your eyes, Cass,” he said as he stroked my hair and kissed my head.

  I looked up at him and saw those sky blue eyes look like a perfect storm. Although his face looked tender and, more than anything, I knew that he wanted me to feel safe in his arms, his eyes betrayed him. There was a hurricane happening in those eyes and his heart was thumping like crazy in his chest.

  Without thinking, I kissed his neck. I saw him swallow. I continued to kiss his neck and put my hands on his bare chest. That beautiful chest that looked like it had been sculpted by Michelangelo himself. I kissed his throat and heard a small groan come out of his lips. I continued to kiss him in the hollow of his throat and caress his chest softly.

  “Cass...” I looked up and saw a sea on fire.

  “Cass, what are you doing?”

  “I’m kissing you.” He grabbed me up by my shoulders so that we were once again face to face.

  “I know that you’re kissing me, believe me. My whole body knows that you’re kissing me! But you don’t have to. You’re upset. You don’t know what you’re doing,” he said, looking straight at me but never taking his eyes off my lips. I grinned. I did this to him. He’s trying so hard to be the perfect gentleman and here I am corrupting him. He’s trying to be logical, trying to make sure that I don’t do anything that I may regret later. Desperately trying to keep his promise to me. Trying to protect me but failing miserably.

  His eyes always betray him but his body was also having a similar reaction. He was telling me to slow down, but all of him was saying the opposite. I looked into those fiery eyes, kissed him eagerly until I felt him weaken and lose his self-control. I tasted his mouth with my tongue and felt him give in. I felt his hands on me now. Restless and everywhere. His hands were on my hips moving their way up and I grabbed onto him, never wanting to let go.

  This was exactly what I wanted. This was the only logical thing in my life right now. Him. He was the only thing that could still bring me any comfort, any resemblance of happiness. Only him. At least, like this, I wouldn’t think of the outside world and how fucked up everything else was right now. All I wanted was to stay in this bubble. In this bubble with Isaac.

  His lips were on my collar bone while one of his hands was moving its way up to my breast and the other, fondling my neck. I was too hot! I pulled down the duvet and saw our bodies entwined. My leg over his and his over mine. Suddenly he turned me on my back and was on top of me.

  “Tell me when to stop. Cass, tell me when to stop.” He said with a voice so low and hungry that it set my blood on fire. He went down and kissed my navel and worked himself upwards, leaving a trail of soft kisses behind. His hands were slowly caressing my legs and moving up my thighs. I couldn’t stand it any longer and sat up. He looked startled until he realized that I sat up; just to take my t-shirt off. He grabbed my face with one hand and unhooked my bra with the other, like child’s play. I took it off never looking away from his eyes. He looked at me with something in his eyes. What was it? Lust? Love?

  “You are breathtaking, Cass,” he said while stroking my face. “I might be dreaming right now and maybe you’re really not here. But if that’s true, I’ve had this dream before.” He said with that same look in his eyes. Now it was my turn to swallow hard. “Are you sure, baby?” He whispered in my ear while gently stroking my bare back, nibbling on my ear lobe and sending shivers down my spine, so that it was hard to have a coherent thought.

  “Are you sure? We can stop, baby,” he said again, but, this time, kissing my neck making his way down my throat. All I could feel were his lips on me, his tongue and teeth nibbling on my flesh.

  “Cass, please.... Are you sure?” And all I heard was a hunger that reflected my own. Are you sure? It was a plea. He wouldn’t continue if I had any doubts that this was what I wanted. I had never wanted so much to say yes and no at the same time, to anything in my life. This was too sudden, too overwhelming. I knew that I was not myself. I was scared and I wanted to feel safe. That’s what I wanted to feel, safe, protected. I knew deep down that it wasn’t the protection of Isaac that I needed, but it felt too good to be in his arms. It felt good to be here with him. It made me forget what I was going through. Most importantly, I liked this feeling that I had when I was with him. This nauseating feeling of losing control to someone else and that not being a bad thing.

  There was another feeling that was also very obvious to me, that was happening, but I would choose to acknowledge that at another time. This was not the time to think too deep on what that was. I didn’t want to name the feeling that was being born inside me, but I was sure that I didn’t want Isaac to stop. At least right now, I was no longer broken. I was alive and reaching for the stars.

  CHAPTER 17

  ISAAC

  She trembled in my arms as I caressed each and every part of her. I had to resist my first impulse to just take her right there and then. I needed to do this right. She deserved that I take my time with her. I didn’t want to rush this. I wanted to savor it.

  Her soft skin tasted so good on my tongue as I trailed it from her neck down to her collarbone. Each and every sound she made, made it harder for me to control the urge to be inside her. Every time she said my name consumed me even more.

  She was perfect. Flawless. Her skin came alive with every kiss. My mouth traveled over her whole body, from her closed eyelids to the top of that perfect button nose. I took my time biting her neck and then covering it with lingering kisses. My mouth lost its way on her once it reached the base of her throat, too consumed with fire to stop. Her fingers were in my hair urging me on and then grabbing my shoulders up to bring me back home to her kiss. I was determined to leave those cherry lips swollen. Cass seemed to want the same, leaving me winded with the sweet torture her lips provided.

  I kept fueling this exquisite torture some more as my fingers trailed over her thighs, up to her breast and she arched her back pleading for more. She whimpered on my neck when I teased her with my thumb on one of her breasts. She started to become breathless and I followed suit. I kissed her deeply trying to conquer all of her completely. She showed me the same passion as our tongues did their little dance.

  With one hand I stroked her creamy soft face while my other hand is more adventurous and strokes her inner thigh. She blushes beneath every stroke, making her skin warm to the touch. Our eyes are locked in each other in anticipation as I reach my destiny and caress her tenderly, slowly. She closes her eyes accepting my touch and a delicious moan escapes her lips as I find what I’m looking for. I play with my new discovery a little more, seeing that it has the effect that I want it to. She’s panting on my neck, biting, licking, pleading for me to stop, to continue, all in one breath.

  “Ah my sweet Cassandra, I will show you no mercy tonight.” I mumble back to her and she bites her lower lip in a way that I’m the one that becomes lost just watching her reach higher heights. Her eyes open and I see a sparkle of mischief in them. She hooks her fingers on the waistband of my pajama bottoms and urges them off, grasping one of my cheeks with her hand. Squeezing it tightly, pressing my full weight on her, so that I’m the one panting now.

  “I can be merciless too,” she says so wickedly that I crash onto her lips unforgivingly. The initial fire that had started in me is a full-fledged volcano now as I feel her nails sink into me. It takes all my willpower not to grunt how much I love her, but I’ll do the next best thing. I’ll show her.

  I take off what remains of my pajamas and clumsily look for a condom in my nightstand drawer. Once I have it in my teeth and rip the plastic foil, I see the fear in Cass’s eyes. It stops me dead in my tracks.

  “Baby, what it is?” my voice is low and too gruff, but I caress her face towards me so she can't look away.

  “It's nothing. I just…” she lowers her eyes trying to hide her uneasiness.

  “Do you want to stop?” I hear myself say, even though right now it's all tha
t I don’t want to do. But if this is too much for her, that’s exactly what we’ll do. She shakes her head and my beating heart reflects my relief. “Then baby, what is it? Tell me.” I say again kissing her adorable nose.

  “If I asked you to stop, though, would that be okay?” she says shyly and so low that I almost didn’t hear her. I grin back at her, and in my mind tell my heart to calm down.

  “Woman, if you told me that this is all I got for the rest of my life, I would die a happy man.”

  “Yeah?” She asks searching my eyes to see if there is a shred of deceit in them. When she relaxes, I know that she couldn’t find any, because there was nothing to find. What I said was true. If this was all I ever got from her, it would be enough. Because even like this, she was mine and that was all I ever wanted. For her to be mine and for her to let me love her.

  “You in my arms, is all I need. Don’t you know that by now?” I stare down at her. Hazel eyes meeting blue. My weight on top of her. Both hands cupping that beautiful face. Her hair spread wild on my pillow. Her hands on my waist, caressing me delicately. My heart so full that it seems that it may burst at any second.

  “Cass… Cass, I…” And before I can say it she silences me with one ardent kiss that pulls me right back into the fever of her. She doesn’t let me say it to her, but I know she knows what I was about to say. She must have. We are both hands, and tongues and lips and it’s hard to figure out where I end and she begins. I can't handle it any longer and when I finally feel her soft hand on me, stroking me gently, it takes me over the edge that I can't even see straight.

  I grab the condom again and, this time, sheath myself in one fast swoop. My tongue enters her mouth as I do, and my whole body feels that this is too beautiful to be real. No one should ever be this happy, but I am. Coming down from this type of high, would be a bitch to get over. I wasn’t ready for this. I had tried to ease her worries, so much so, that I forgot to think about how I would feel. After this, I will never be able to live without her again.