When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  The way she grabs onto me so tightly feels like she’s afraid that I will disappear, too. I try to extinguish these thoughts out of her and out of me with every movement that I make because there is no way in hell I would live without her for one more second. I had already given her my heart, but now she had my body and soul too. After a while, I feel her relax beneath me and I feel her breath getting shallower in my ears. She says my name over and over again, and I feel that I’m almost reaching my limit of pure joy when I see her reach hers, with her mouth open and eyes shut in pure bliss, that it’s enough to do me in completely.

  My head falls into the hollow of her neck as I try desperately to gain clarity. I am happily spent and happily conquered by her. I relinquish all that am to her and I have never felt so alive in doing so. I move to her side and feel her whimper again. Just that sound brings a grin to my face.

  I dispose of the condom and cradle her head on my chest. I run my fingers across her smooth back and I feel her skin hum. I want to tell her everything that I’m feeling. I want to desperately tell her how much she means to me, but when I look back at her, I see that she has fallen asleep with a smile on her face. Content and satisfied. Whatever brought her to my doorstep tonight, didn’t matter. She was fast asleep now and I had driven all her demons away. At least for tonight.

  I try to get up so that I can cover her naked body with my duvet without waking her up. As I do so something grabs my attention. A smudge of something on my sheets. I look at it closer without moving her and as I do so, it’s evident what I’m looking at. Traces of blood are now on my white sheets and I look at the angel next to me incredulously. That’s what she was trying to say before. That’s why she held me so tightly. Cass came to my house a virgin, but she wasn’t going to leave that way. Why the fuck didn’t she tell me?!

  I lean back on the bed and stare at her. She looks so peaceful, so unburdened. Why does she always keep these things from me? Why doesn’t she ever open up and tell me what’s what? I’ve never felt this foolish in my life. How did I get so wrapped up in my own shit, that I didn’t even realize that this could have been a possibility? Of course, Cass was a virgin. Her entire life she has sheltered herself so well, built up these wall around her, that no one even dared to try and climb their way to her.

  No one but me. Suddenly the idea of me being her first sits better with me. I wish she had told me, and tomorrow I’ll give her an earful for it, but the idea that she has given herself to me willingly, lovingly, proves what I have hoped for too long. Cassandra loves me too. She might not yet be ready to be totally honest about everything in her life, she might not be ready to lower her defenses yet, but tonight she was brave enough to show me she loved me too. Even if she wasn’t ready to hear it from me or say it herself.

  After tonight, everything would change. She had finally accepted that we belonged together and that our friendship had been just the beginning of something much more intense. Something much more real. I lay on my side and continue to sweep my fingers on her back, pull her towards me so that I could take all of her in. I suddenly understand every love song I have ever heard on the radio. Now I get what all the fuss is about. It feels wrong to be this happy, but I couldn’t fucking care less.

  Bring on the happy.

  CASS

  I felt warm. Too warm. I opened my eyes and tried to recollect where I was. Not in my room, that’s for sure. Not in my bed either No, this was Isaac’s bed and this was Isaac’s arm holding me to him. «Holy mother of god! »

  Everything came crashing down in an instant: my mother waking me up in the middle of the night, urging me out the door so that I could pick up my father at the airport. While I knew all too well that he was very far away and not on a plane home; me texting Isaac and coming over; him opening the door to his room bare-chested; me taking off my clothes and getting in bed with him. Then losing myself in him. Losing ourselves in each other.

  Yes, last night had been very eventful and full of strong emotions that I could not deal with right now. I turned around to face him. He was sound asleep and actually smiling. That warmed my heart and if I was supposed to have any regrets; they were nowhere to be seen. But I was in Jess’s house and even though there was no sunlight outside, it was bound to be close to the time everyone would be waking up and finding me here.

  I looked at Isaac for just a little while longer, not really wanting to leave his warm embrace and I softly kissed his lips. His smile grew bigger. ‘What a scoundrel! Could he get any cuter right now?’ I thought while I grinned just as much. Very carefully I took his arm off me and awkwardly moved out of his bed to the floor.

  Once I saw that it was safe and that I didn’t wake him, I started to get dressed. I saw my T-shirt, bra, and panties on the floor. Proof that what happened last night happened! Well, there goes trying to play hard to get. Who was I kidding? I put them on, as well as my jeans and blue cardigan. I went over to the mirror on the wall and tried to fix my hair as much as I could with my fingers. Well, that won’t do. I put my hand in my front pocket hoping for an elastic band. Yes! It was small, but it would do just fine for a ponytail. Perfect. No bed hair for yours truly.

  Now all I need to do is get out of this house without being noticed. I would kill to go into Jess’s room so that I could use my sleepover toothbrush, but that would not sit well with my plan of leaving this house unnoticed, would it? «Ok Cass, get your shit together! » I thought.

  I got to the door but couldn’t help to look back just one more time. Isaac was still fast asleep and I could smell him from where I was standing. Actually, this whole room smelled of him. Or maybe what I was smelling was me. I took a quick sniff of my arm and I could swear I smelled of apple pie.

  «Get it together woman! » I yelled to myself with my inside voice. «You don’t smell like apple pie. You smell like Cassandra Mackenzie! That’s it! No one will smell Isaac on you; now get the hell out of here before we are caught with our pants down, figuratively speaking! Right! » I thought and opened Isaac’s bedroom door. Out with happiness in with reality.

  I silently closed the door behind me. I couldn’t hear any noise coming from upstairs or downstairs. Good, no one’s up. «Now all you got to do is move your feet and get downstairs without making a sound. You can do this! » I thought.

  Slowly but surely, I walked very carefully through the corridor and made my way down the stairs.

  «Almost home free, girl! Now go outside, get into your car and then we’ll get our shit together before getting home. »

  Or should I go straight to school? School! Shit! Where did I leave my school bag? I had reached Jess’s front hall but no sign of my school bag anywhere. Damn! It’s in Isaac’s room! Bloody hell! Well, I couldn’t leave it, especially because my car keys were in there. There was no choice I would have to venture going up again and to get it. So close!

  I turned around and started to make my way back but then as fate would have it I was no longer alone. Jess, in her oversized T-shirt, was staring at me.

  “Cass? What are you doing here this early in the morning?” she said from the stairs looking down at me.

  «Breathe Cassandra»

  “Hey, Jess. I came to see if you wanted a ride to school this morning?” I say as I hear my heart beating a mile a minute in my ears, hoping that Jess was still too drowsy to put one and one together.

  “A ride? Cass, it’s like 6 in the morning. It’s pretty early babe for a ride, don’t you think?” Jess said grinning while coming down the stairs. She passed by me with that grin still on her face and made her way to the kitchen. I followed knowing full well that I could try to fool anyone but Jess. Jess wasn’t just anyone.

  “Ok babe. I’ll take the ride to school but let me get a shower and dressed first. Want some coffee?” Jess said while already plugging the coffee maker in. She turns her back to the counter and gives me the once over. I try to straighten up, attempting to look as together as possible, and again I see a smirk on her face.

 
; “You know, in my room, you have your comb and toothbrush. Just in case, you didn’t have time at home since you got here so early.” giving me yet another smirk.

  “I’ll be upstairs getting ready.” God love her. I would have never gotten off this lightly with Ronnie. I would still be having the fifth degree in this very kitchen if it had been anyone else that had caught me. Not with Jess. She would wait until I offered this info freely. She wouldn’t wait forever, but she would give me time.

  When I got upstairs Jess was still in the shower. I went to her vanity and looked myself in the mirror. «Ok, let’s recap shall we. »

  One - What is going to happen when I get home tonight? My mom will see that my dad is not with me. Will she be lucid? Will she understand when I tell her that dad is still in Alaska and that she is losing it? I don’t care if Nicky goes ballistic on me again. This needs to be addressed. No amount of time and understanding will sort this out. This is now a full-fledged problem. I don’t know what to do. I make up my mind to research more on depression and see if there are things we can do for her to snap out of this. We need our mom back. I can fix this. I have to. She hasn’t let me once go to the doctor with her, but maybe if he heard from a third party what was going on, maybe he would be able to help her get better sooner.

  Two - I just lost my virginity to a guy that doesn’t believe in relationships. And he’s right on some levels. Relationships are messy and only bring heartache, look at my mom. I’m sure that if my dad didn’t have to be away so often, she wouldn’t have gotten sick. But even if she did, would my dad know what to do and help her? He seemed so lost this last visit but just his presence was enough to at least believe that things were going to get better. Instead of him being here, though, he was miles away unaware that his wife had just sent his 17-year-old daughter to drive out in the middle of the night to bring him home. Love is heartache.

  Then Isaac’s eyes come to mind. Those eyes that see right through me. I just lost my virginity to a boy that has become very important to me and my own sanity. A boy who has listened to my ramblings and has become one of my best friends. Now I have put us in this situation that just confuses what is good about us.

  «Cass, stop. He could have stopped if he had wanted to. But he didn’t, did he? » No, he didn’t. I start to recall his words from last night and they make me shiver again. It had seemed that he wanted me just has much as I had wanted him. The look that he had in his eyes was almost like pure adoration. I had seen that look before but had always pushed it aside. I saw it that awful Thanksgiving night and again the following morning in our kitchen. He wanted more then. He had said it in so many words. So maybe his whole philosophy of relationships had changed.

  I guess the real question is what am I feeling? I looked again at the mirror. I don’t look different. I look the same as I did yesterday. Yet there is something here. I can push it away all I want but it is still there. I even felt it in my gut that he was about to tell me something that I was too scared to hear last night.

  «No! Not the time or the place to dwell on that. Whatever “that” was would have to wait. »

  Jess opened the bathroom door at that moment. She was drying her hair with a towel with that stupid grin still on her face.

  “All yours,” She said and I swear that even her voice was grinning. Well, this was going to get old fast!

  “Thanks.” I couldn’t get into the bathroom quick enough. When I came out, the house was already alive. I could hear everyone rushing and talking over each other. The house had its own pulse. It was a living breathing thing. This was a home. I don’t remember having this.

  Well, that’s a lie. I do have memories of when all four of us were living under the same roof. I remember Nicky and I getting up in the morning and coming into our parents’ room and jumping on top of them and my parents laughing and kissing and hugging us like it was a huge surprise, even though we would do this every weekend. I recall that every time we did that we would be really quiet at first just to look at my mom and dad sleeping. They would always be in each other’s arms.

  Nicky’s wrong. I do know what love looks like. To me, it is that image that comes to my mind. My mom and dad wrapped up in each other. When I was a child I often thought that they slept like that so that they wouldn’t be separated even in dreams. That this way, if they hung close to each other, when the dreams came, they would share the same one. This is why I would sometimes sneak into their bed at night when I was smaller. I wanted to grab onto their dream too. I didn’t want to be left behind. After Nicky was born, I stopped doing that. I started to sneak into his room. I wouldn’t leave Nicky behind. Not even in dreams.

  I envied Jess. She had it together and she had the family and home that I missed so much. I can understand how my mom can be lost without this. Loneliness was not what she signed on for when she married the love of her life. Where is her happily ever after? That’s right, that’s only for fairy tales. Real life is cruel and unforgiving. It makes you small seeing how happy other people are, having all that you wish you could have, but don’t.

  I feel hollow for a moment and then yell at myself to get a grip. I look at myself one more time in the mirror and double check that my face does not scream out that I am no longer a virgin and that my mother kicked me out in the middle of the night to retrieve her husband.

  When I reach the kitchen I am barely noticed. Jess’s cousins Tony and Alex are already there eating Mrs. Silva’s pancakes and strawberries while Jess is having a debate with her father about equal pay and how women still receive less doing the same job as men. I see Mrs. S over by the oven making, even more, pancakes and waffles while Isaac’s mom is putting toast and fresh fruit on the table.

  I feel him before he makes a sound.

  “Good morning,” he whispers in my ear and a shiver runs through me.

  “I’m going to have to start to call you Houdini. I wasn’t expecting a disappearing act so early this morning.” Isaac is right behind me with his hand on my back. He sounds annoyed and I think I also pick up a hint of fury in his voice. But before I can say a word, Jess’s dad sees us.

  “Well well! Anna darling, make a couple of more waffles. Cass is here and Isaac has finally woken up. You’re usually the first one up. Late night?”

  “You can say that Tio,” Isaac says and then I notice that he has his sheets in his hands.

  “Well I bet!” says Tony. “Então primo? Have a little night time accident?” He jokes and then Alex joins in.

  “Aren’t you a little old to wet your bed, dude?” This makes both Alex and Tony laugh.

  I actually see bits of waffle come out of Tony’s mouth. I feel my face go red and want to start cursing at them, but Mrs. Silva beats me to the punch.

  “Stop teasing your cousin, you fools! Give that here Isaac. Get yourself something to eat. Cass, you too. Both of you have a seat and pay no mind to my nephews.” says Mrs. Silva as she makes her way to Isaac, grabs the sheets from him and heads to the laundry room. My face must be beet red as I feel Jess eyes on me and hear her try to change the subject

  “Dad, I was thinking that maybe Cass, Ronnie and I could go on a road trip this spring break. I was thinking maybe we could go check out my college for next year and really get a feel for New York. It’s our last year together and it would really mean a lot to me and the girls if we could do this. Ronnie is already preparing the whole tour. What do you think?” Jess asks her dad giving him her most persuasive smile.

  I know by this time that Jess has an answer for anything her dad throws at her. Saying no is not an option for her dad. Mr. Silva, however, is not that intimidated. He looks at us both and then looks over at his wife and sister in law as they all seem to be having a silent conversation.

  “Jessica filha, I understand that you can’t wait to go to college and that you want your friends to see where you’ll be next year but this isn’t something that you can request from your mother and me and then have a reply right away. Your mother and I will
have to discuss this further. I can tell you, though, that if we do decide to let you go, then one of your cousins will have to go with you.

  I see Jess start to put her boxing gloves on and enter this fight, but her father stops her before she starts just by raising his hand

  “And this is if you want me to consider your request. I will not let three teenage girls go on a three-hour drive into New York City alone and let them wander the city with no one there to look out for them. Don’t tell me that it’s chauvinistic of me, or any other thing that you were about to say. So if you push me on this now, my answer is no.” I see Jess’s eyes full of wrath, but she doesn’t say a word.

  “I’ll take them,” says Isaac while popping a strawberry in his mouth.

  Immediately we jerk our heads in his direction and I give him my most annoyed look and so does Jess. I hear her smirk. Her father confuses her smirk with the reluctance of having a chaperone on tow and you see him like the idea of Isaac coming with us more and more.

  “Obrigado Isaac. There, it’s settled. If your mom and I agree, your cousin Isaac will take you.”

  Jess grabs her coffee and storms out of the kitchen. I see her going outside to the porch. I look apologetically at Mr. Silva and excuse myself to follow Jess. I give Isaac one more stern look, but he isn’t even looking at me as I march off.

  Jess is already on the porch swing with our blanket over her legs. I see that she is still fuming.

  “Breathe Jess,” I tell her as a grab her hand. She holds still, but I feel her anger come out of every pore.

  “This is such bullshit! I mean we’re almost eighteen. Isaac is only a little older than us, but just because he’s a guy that makes it okay. You know, I bet if it was Isaac asking to go on a road trip with Tony and Alex, their parents would have said yes without even thinking of this chaperone bullshit. But because we’re girls we need one. That is the backward thinking that keeps us girls always in check. It’s like we’re living in the middle ages or something. I’m so over this double standard crap.”