Paper Hearts

by Ali Novak

  “Please, Vi,” I heard him say, his normally deep voice high with distress. Was he…begging? “I know this isn’t what I promised you, but give me a chance. We can work things out.”

  Wait, what?

  I gripped the handrail, not willing to believe what I’d heard. Maybe my subconscious was projecting my nerves into an imaginary conversation.

  Yup, that had to be it.

  But then he spoke again: “Of course I’m with you on this! After all the time we’ve spent together, how could you think otherwise?”

  A sickening feeling rose inside me as all the doubts and fears I’d tried to suppress crawled out from the pit of my stomach. Alec was fighting for his relationship—with Violet. God, I was beyond stupid. Had I really thought he would pick me over someone like her? He was a musician, she an actress. They were perfect for each other.

  “No, I’m in Seattle,” he said. No mention of why he was here. No mention of me. “As soon as I get back, I’ll come see you, okay?”

  He went on talking, but I didn’t catch any of it. My ears were ringing with words I couldn’t get out of my head.

  Give me a chance.

  We can work things out.

  After all the time we’ve spent together…

  One by one, my fingers curled into fists. Maybe their relationship was on the rocks, but nothing, absolutely nothing, gave Alec the right to cheat on Violet. I’d witnessed firsthand how my dad’s infidelity had crushed my mom, and knowing that I might have caused Violet the same pain made me sick.

  Closing my eyes, I tried to take a breath, but my lungs wouldn’t cooperate. It felt like my chest was caving in with each strangled gasp I took.

  “Felicity?” My eyes flickered open. Alec was standing two feet away, watching me with concern. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” I snapped. “Not in the slightest.”

  How could you? I wanted to scream. How could you kiss me and laugh with me and share bits of your life, when clearly there’s someone else who’s more important to you?

  He startled at my sharp reply. “Okay…is there something you want to talk about?”

  “Sure, Alec. Let’s talk.” My voice sounded different to my ears—broken, bitter. “How about we start with the fact that I just heard your conversation with Violet.”

  I had to give it to him. Alec didn’t flinch at being caught. “That upset you?” He seemed genuinely confused. “Why?”

  “Wow. Considering what I told you about my parents, how my dad cheated on my mom, did you really think I wouldn’t be upset?” Shaking my head, I backed away from him.

  “Whoa, I don’t know what you think you heard, but there’s some kind of misunderstanding—”

  “No, stop.” I held up my hand. Did he think I was stupid? Deaf? “I don’t need to hear your excuse.”

  With a single step forward, Alec filled the space I’d created between us and cupped my face in his hands. Even though I was furious with him, my eyes fluttered shut and I leaned into his touch, allowing myself a moment to memorize the feel of his fingers on my skin.

  I knew it would be the last time.

  “Did I do something to make you not trust me? Because I don’t understand why you’re being like this,” he said, a tremor of panic in his voice. “After everything we’ve been through this weekend, you can’t give me a chance to explain?”

  His words made me yank away. “Explain what? That you’ve been stringing me along this whole time?” An indefinable emotion swelled inside me. Whether it was rage or anguish I couldn’t tell, but I didn’t have the restraint to step away and sort it out before I said something I regretted. “What did you expect? That because you helped me find Rose, I owed you? Or is it that I should consider myself lucky, no matter how many people you’re seeing, because you’re Alec Williams?”

  It wasn’t fair to throw the fame thing in his face, but words were pouring out of my mouth that I’d never say under normal circumstances, like part of my brain had blown a fuse.

  Alec’s steady composure withered, his expression flipping between hurt and anger. “Is that honestly what you think of me?”

  Yes! I wanted to shout, but my sentimental side—the part of me that was still head-over-heels for Alec—made me pause.

  “I don’t know,” I said, hating the way my voice shook. “But I’ve dealt with too many lies recently, and I’m done with it. I don’t have the strength to sort out what is and isn’t the truth, especially if the answer is something I don’t want to hear.”

  “So that’s it then?” The question came out like ice.

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “I suppose it is.”

  “Fine.” His face hardened into a mask. Rather than finding the sharp intelligence and kind spirit I normally saw in his eyes, I was met with emptiness. He’d never looked at me that way before, indifferent, like I was nobody to him. “Tell Asha and Boomer good-bye for me.”

  Then he turned to leave, and I felt my chest split in two.

  • • •

  “This is tragic,” Asha said. “Like Rose-not-making-room-for-Jack-on-the-door tragic.”

  Was she seriously comparing my falling-out with Alec to the Titanic?

  I ground my teeth together. “Nobody died,” I told her as I stared out the rain-streaked window at the forest blurring by. Today’s gloomy weather matched my mood perfectly. “Please stop acting like somebody died.”

  “Your relationship died.” Asha kept stressing random words as if she hoped one of them would suddenly resonate with me, and I’d realize I was making a huge mistake.

  “We were never in a relationship,” I reminded her. Why was I always pointing this out to people? What was it about Alec and I not dating that people couldn’t wrap their heads around?

  “Fine. Your romance, love story, whatever you want to call it. You and Alec are over, and that, my friend, is the definition of tragic.”

  I wished she’d drop it already. Every time she said his name, I felt like someone had reached inside my chest and yanked on my heart. But I had a feeling she wasn’t going to let up anytime soon.

  Even though I didn’t want to go home, we were already on our way back to LA. The only upside was Rose was coming too. She’d called in sick and packed a bag, all so I wouldn’t have to face Mom alone. Now that I knew the truth, she figured there was no point in staying away.

  Without Alec to drive us, we were forced to find a new way home. Rose didn’t have a car, but she was able to borrow the tiny Mitsubishi Mirage Steven’s parents owned. The fit was tight—and if I was uncomfortable, I couldn’t imagine how Boomer felt—but it was our only choice.

  The trip was supposed to take over sixteen hours, so we’d left at the crack of dawn in order to get back before dark. And that meant I had to endure Asha’s complaining for another seven. She’d been ranting like this ever since Alec left. When I told everyone what had happened between me and him, I thought she’d be up in arms, ready to fight for me like she had yesterday morning.

  Not so much.

  Instead, she freaked out and spent the rest of the night lecturing me on all the reasons why Alec was amazing. She was convinced there was no way he could be dating Violet James. After all, she argued, he helped you find Rose and introduced you to his friends. He cares about you, Felicity! There was a small chance she was right, but Asha hadn’t heard Alec and Violet’s conversation or felt the desperation in his voice as he begged her.

  I had.

  It was more than enough to convince me of his feelings for her, and I had no desire to be part of a public love triangle.

  “If you called Alec,” Asha said, repeating the same phrase like a pull-string doll, “then I’m sure you guys could work things—”

  “Hey, can we please drop this?”

  “But, Fel, I really think—”

  “I don’t want to talk about him
,” I snapped. “Okay?”

  Asha’s mouth set in a hard line. “Yeah, sure.”

  She didn’t say anything to me for the remainder of the ride, but I didn’t mind the silence. With Boomer spellbound by his Game Boy and Rose focused on driving, I had plenty of time to read through my flash cards a second time. Studying helped keep my mind off Alec.

  At ten o’clock that night, we arrived at Asha’s house. As she and Boomer unloaded, I texted Mom to let her know I was on the way home. It was the only communication I’d had with her since our fight, although it wasn’t for her lack of trying. There were five missed calls, two voice messages, and a handful of texts on my phone. The only reason I looked through them was because a small part of me hoped that Alec had tried to contact me.

  He hadn’t.

  Mom was camped out at the kitchen table when we arrived.

  “Felicity!” she exclaimed, shooting to her feet as soon as she saw me. “Thank God you’re okay. I was getting so worried—” She froze at the sight of Rose.

  “Hey, Mom,” Rose said. Her tone was tentative, testing the waters.

  “Rosalyn,” Mom gasped, my sister’s name falling from her lips like it was something fragile. “You’re here.”

  “Sorry to disappoint.”

  “You know I didn’t mean it like that,” said Mom.

  Rose didn’t bother with a response. She glanced around the kitchen and living room, as if looking to see what had changed in her absence. Not much had, although there was a lack of origami scattered across every surface.

  “You look well,” Mom continued, trying to fill the silence. “How have you been?”

  I cringed at the awkwardness of it all.

  “Considering you’ve been reading my letters, I think you know exactly how I’ve been,” Rose said. “But why don’t we play catch-up later? Right now, you need to talk to Felicity.”

  Hurt, guilt, then anger flickered across Mom’s face, but she was quick to square her shoulders and take charge. “Yes,” she agreed, her expression turning stern. “You’re right. Felicity, why don’t you take a seat? Rose, you can wait in your sister’s room.”

  “Uh-huh. There’s no way that’s happening,” Rose replied, all attitude. I flinched, thinking she’d been home less than five minutes, and they were already butting heads. “This is an issue we have to resolve as a family, and I can’t wait to hear what explanation you come up with.”

  Three long seconds passed as Mom stared at Rose.

  The tension between the two was so thick I thought it would suffocate us all.

  “Fine,” Mom said in a tone that made it obvious this was anything but. She offered Rose a spot at the table, but my sister chose to lean back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest. “Felicity, sit.”

  I pulled out a chair and sat. Mom pursed her lips before saying anything, and I fidgeted in my seat.

  “I know you’re angry with me,” she said at last. “But that gives you absolutely no right to leave home, let alone the state, without asking for my permission.”

  “As if you would’ve let me go,” I mumbled. I was still furious with my mom, but it was hard to harness that anger when she was staring at me as if I’d burned down a nursing home or committed an equally unthinkable crime.

  “That’s not the point. Do you know how worried sick I was? I had no clue where you were, or that you’d even left, until I came home on Sunday. How could I have helped you if something bad happened?”

  “I get it, Mom. What I did was reckless, but there was a good reason why I left, and you know that. Punish me all you want, but me taking a road trip without your knowledge is not the issue here.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rose nod in approval, so I kept going. “And to be honest, it seems only fair that you were worried about me for a day. In the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing compared to the four years you left me to worry about Rose.”

  “Felicity, what I did was to protect you.”

  “Yeah, you already said that. But who were you trying to protect me from, Mom?” I asked. “Was Rose so much of a danger that you had to kick her out of the house and my life?”

  Mom startled. “Kick her out?” She turned to Rose and glared. “I think that’s a bit of a stretch. I never forced you to leave.”

  Rose, who had been silent up to this point, let out a fake laugh. “No, you gave me an ultimatum.”

  “Which was still a choice. One that you made.”

  “Was it though? How was staying a choice when you knew I’d never agree to live by your rules?” Mom opened her mouth to argue, but Rose cut her off. “Look, I realize you had my best interests at heart, and I fully admit that leaving home helped me grow up. But what you did to me and Felicity, cutting us off from each other? That wasn’t right.”

  “Rose, when you were arrested…” Mom’s voice trailed off, and she shook her head. “Being a parent is hard,” she started again. “Being a single parent is even harder. There’s no one to lean on or solve problems with, no one to reassure you that you’re not totally screwing your kids up. When you got arrested, I was more terrified than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I didn’t know what to do, how to help you, and I was all alone. My rules?” She lifted up a hand before letting it fall. “Those were meant to protect you, not push you away.”

  “But what about me?” I asked. “What does any of this have to do with me?”

  “Oh, honey,” Mom said softly. “You were always so close to your sister. You collected her origami like it was treasure, and you’d wait up every night to take care of her after she’d been out partying—”

  “You knew about that?”

  “Of course I knew. I hated that Rose resisted my help and you were the one who had to take care of her. But even at a young age, you knew how to handle her better than I did. What worried me was you being exposed to that lifestyle…the drinking, the drugs. Your sister didn’t want to listen to me, and I decided that if she was set on throwing away her future, I couldn’t do anything about it. But not you. You are so bright, and I didn’t want anything to ruin that for you.”

  “And by anything, you mean me.” Animosity laced Rose’s voice, but her chin was trembling. “I get that you wanted to look out for Felicity, but, Mom…I was a troubled teen trying to figure shit out, not some evil drug lord who was tempting my little sister into a life of crime.”

  Based on past fights, this was when Mom would return the volley. I expected her to lay into Rose, but something completely different happened. She wilted in her chair. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Rose looked as shocked as I felt. “What?”

  “Don’t sound so surprised.” Mom scrubbed a hand over her face and sighed. “I made a mistake, okay? Sometimes parents do that.”

  I balked at her words. “You made a mistake? Mom, this isn’t some little slip-up you can apologize for and expect everything to go back to normal! You chose to cut Rose out of my life and then had the nerve to lie about it.”

  “I never said I expect things to go back to the way they were.”

  “You’re acting like it!” I could feel my pulse throbbing in my ears, so I made myself take a breath before continuing. “Mom, when I thought Rose ran away, I was so angry with her. I didn’t understand how she could throw all of your hard work back in your face, so I promised myself I’d make it up to you. Crazy, right? As if any of this mess is my fault. But thirteen-year-old me didn’t know any better, so I’ve spent the past four years working my butt off so I can go to Stanford and become a lawyer.”

  Mom frowned. “I thought that was your dream.”

  “Yeah, but only to make you happy.”

  “Felicity,” Mom said, reaching across the table for my hand. “The only thing that would make me happier than I already am is to see you achieve whatever dream you set your mind to.” She smiled, her lips curving up in a way that
could only be described as mirthful, and realization crashed over me with the force of an ocean wave. Maybe life had dealt her a difficult hand, but Mom had overcome those difficulties. Now she had a job she loved and a man who would bend over backward for her. She didn’t need me to provide her with happiness. She already was happy.

  “So…you don’t care where I go to school just as long as I do?”

  She nodded. “Exactly.”

  “And what if I don’t want to be a lawyer?” I asked. “What if I want to…go into jewelry design?”

  This time Mom hesitated. “Well, I’d much prefer you graduate with a degree that will get you a good job, but I know I can’t force my idea of success on you. If you want to be a jewelry designer, a poet, a deep-sea diver, I’ll support you in whatever your dream may be. I’ve already made the mistake once of not doing that. I’m not going to do it again.”

  I tugged my earlobe as I considered my mom’s apology. Part of me wanted to wipe my hands clean of her. After all, she’d stolen four years from Rose and me, time that I’d never get back. But the fire I’d felt raging inside me earlier had dwindled to an ember. Because no matter what she did, she was still my mom. What had Alec said? Sometimes the people who mean the most to us, like our family, do things that make it difficult to love them, but we do anyway because that’s what love is.

  Rose broke the silence with a snort. “A deep-sea diver… Really?”

  My lips twitched into a small smile. “Yeah, isn’t that dangerous?”

  Mom laughed and pointed a finger at me. “I hope you know this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.”

  Before I had a chance to respond, Rose gasped. “Holy shit.” She was staring at Mom’s hand, and when I looked, the ring on her finger sparkled in the light. “Mom, are you engaged?”

  Chapter 19

  My last days of summer dragged on longer than the past two months had combined. I was grounded until further notice, which meant house arrest and no friends whatsoever. The only place I was allowed to go was work, and after my shifts, I had to come home immediately or else.