Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths- And How We Can Stop!
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mindset of our ancient Wannabe Kings. We can show empathy, attention,
and respect for all—and, in fact, we need to.
ABOUT THE HCP WANNABE KING
High- conflict politicians do not understand themselves and their endlessly
aggressive behavior. In other words, it’s not their fault, but their wiring. We can
have empathy for them and their followers, while we work hard to stop them.
Therefore, as much as possible, don’t speak with any Wannabe King, but
speak respectfully about them. For example:
I understand that _______ can’t help himself. He can’t stop himself from all the
damage he does. He was likely born that way or had a bad childhood. It’s sad. But
that means we must stop him. All of us must work hard to prevent him from get ing
elected, or to remove him as soon as possible from office if he is elected. His capacity
to be much more dangerous with more power must motivate us to stop him now. We
must put our energy into organizing to stop him, rather than just being angry at him
every day.
LOYALISTS
Don’t waste time trying to persuade hard- core Wannabe King supporters.
They are true believers who will follow their candidate wherever they go and
support them no matter what they do. They have an emotional bond that is
almost impossible to break. But you should say “Hi” to them at some point
in a campaign to show respect.
There is a subgroup of Loyalists who may actually be open to rejecting
the HCP but won’t say so publicly. They will listen closely to what you say
about the HCP—if you are calm, respectful, and energized.
Both of these groups of Loyalists need to hear that you spoke respect-
fully about them and about their candidate.
Nevertheless, give the remaining three groups the lion’s share of your
time, attention, empathy, and respect.
RESISTERS
These voters are the most energized and passionate, and in many ways, the
key to success in getting out the vote against a Wannabe King. Feel free to
empathize with their anger and their fears. Let them know that you see the
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dangers the high- conflict politician poses and that we all need to fight the
HCP together.
But let them know that they also need to empathize with the Moderates
and not make enemies of them. The key to success in blocking or remov-
ing a Wannabe King is in getting the Resisters and the Moderates to work
together.
The Resisters may be key to providing the energy it takes to get the Mild
Moderates to become Energized Moderates, so teach them about the 4-way
split that HCPs cause and explain that you can’t allow the HCP to succeed
at this.
You also need to communicate to them that primary election battles
between Resisters and Moderates of the same political party need to end
well before any general election to give the two factions time to reunite. In
addition to these two groups, the Dropouts can potentially oppose the Wan-
nabe King. All three need to unite well before the general election.
Psychologically people cannot overcome high- intensity conflicts within
their own group in a short period of time, if ever. This is the mistake that Bernie
Sanders and Hillary Clinton made in the Democratic primaries in 2016. This
is also why Ronald Reagan promoted the “Eleventh Commandment”:
The personal attacks against me during the primary finally became so
heavy that the state Republican chairman, Gaylord Parkinson, postulated
what he called the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not speak ill of
any fellow Republican. It’s a rule I followed during that campaign and have
ever since.260
In other words, let the HCP make all the personal attacks—they won’t
be able to restrain themselves. As Michelle Obama, wife of former President
Obama, has said: “There was a motto Barack and I tried to live by, and I
offered it that night from the stage: When they go low, we go high. ”261 You can then point out the inappropriateness of this in a respectful way. After all, the
political culture needs to change if we are going to stop having Wannabe
Kings run in so many elections.
Everyone needs to know that personal attacks are inappropriate in solv-
ing modern problems. Even if some heated moments do occur in primaries,
they need to be healed before any general election against a high- conflict
politician.
Explain to everyone in each of the three anti- HCP camps that this is
more important than any ideological differences among the three groups.
Remind them that the single most important goal in the election is to defeat
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the Wannabe King. Also remind them that if an endlessly aggressive HCP
wins the election, life will be much worse for everyone.
MODERATES
The Mild Moderates are usually the Evil Establishment in the eyes of the
Wannabe King and his followers. They are usually subjected to the most
intense personal attacks and are usually caught by surprise by how vicious
they can be. Because the Wannabe King sees them as the ones in power, they
make them the focus of their unwanted attention.
A good example of this dynamic is what happened in the Republican
primaries before the 2016 presidential election. In these primaries, Donald
Trump personally attacked each of the other candidates in an emotionally
repetitive way that was incredibly effective and memorable. He attached an
emotionally disparaging adjective to each of his key opponents: Lyin’ Ted
Cruz. Little Marco Rubio. Low Energy Jeb Bush. And so on.
Trump then repeated these monikers over and over again during the
Republican primaries on TV and to his followers at rallies. He effectively
immobilized his opponents because they could not figure out how to
respond. This was not a skill they had developed up to this point in their
long political careers.
It almost seemed as if Trump had adopted the lesson Hitler claimed to
have learned in the 1920s: “[U]unleash a veritable barrage of lies and slander
against whatever adversary seems most dangerous, until the nerves of the
attacked person break down. ”262
Moderates must stick together and speak up in their own defense, such
as with BIFF Responses that provide confident information rather than
helplessness in response, as I will describe in Chapter 13.
DROPOUTS
Many voters drop out for a variety of reasons. In the general presidential
election of 2016, only 61.4 percent of eligible adults voted according to the
Pew Research organization. The percentage of African- Americans who
voted (59.6 percent) was down from 66.6 percent in 2012. Slightly fewer
than 50 percent of Millennials, Hispanic Americans, and Asian Americans
voted, although the percentage of Millennials who voted was slightly higher
than in 2012 (49.4 percent, up from 46.4 percent).263
In terms of communicating with this group, it should help to empa-
&n
bsp; thize with their frustration with elections, their belief that their vote
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134 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
doesn’t matter, and their busy lives. There’s no reason to disrespect
them. Instead, the message needs to be (at the very least) that these are
extraordinary circumstances—when a high- conflict politician runs for
office, the stakes for democracy are much higher. Communicating the
dangers of such a candidate are essential. If possible, communicate how
it may directly affect them and that you care about their futures as well
as your own.
2 Know Your Audience
In building a relationship with anyone, you need to give something of your-
self to connect with them. Find out what you have in common (in advance,
if possible). If you can, tell a short story that shows you identify with them.
It’s fine to laugh at yourself or share an embarrassing moment as long as it
shows that you are similar to them, not different.
Don’t start your connection with a new group of people by telling them
about a policy, abstract issue, or position they should take. Start by con-
necting to them as a person. Only after you have made this connection are
people going to listen to your ideas and logical information. No matter how
much of a hurry you are in, you need to connect as a person; otherwise,
nothing else that you say will matter.
If you can identify what their particular fears and frustrations are, it can
be very helpful to address these. Remember, fear and anger are the emotion
high- conflict politicians use to form their strongest connections with their
followers—especially their true believers.
Try to focus on people’s fears and how to address them. You can say
that you share their anger and frustration with an issue, but be careful not
to make another person or group the enemy. In fact, when you can, say that
focusing anger on another person or group may feel good for a moment, but
it won’t solve today’s modern, complex problems.
You might even mention how Senator John McCain handled a voter’s
anger at Barack Obama during the 2008 presidential election when they were
running against each other: a voter in the audience at a Town Hall meeting
said that Obama was an Arab, implying that he wasn’t born in America and
therefore shouldn’t be allowed to run for President. But McCain immedi-
ately took the microphone and came to Obama’s defense:
“No ma’am, no ma’am,” McCain said as the conservative crowd booed the
Republican nominee. “He’s a decent family man, citizen, that I just happen
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to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. That’s what this cam-
paign is all about. ”264
3 Know the Reality of Your Issues
Focus on explaining issues and what really needs to be done to alleviate peo-
ple’s fears regarding these issues, such as investing in a specific solution or
restraining individuals, companies, or agencies of government (depending
on your political perspective). Promote positive solutions, such as to health-
care and education and infrastructure.
Avoid making a person or group into the enemy. Don’t focus on the fan-
tasy hero, tempting as it is. Focus on the fantasy crisis and how it’s not a
crisis. Focus on real problems and real solutions.
Take an educational approach to your audience, but keep your message
simple and repetitive. They will appreciate having knowledge that they didn’t
have before. You might even bond with them by making a simple chant or
meme out of your factual information.
For example, research shows that immigrants to America actually work
harder than the average citizen, work undesirable hours, and work undesir-
able jobs. This is shown by a study reported in the Washington Post in 2017,
which reached the following conclusions:
Immigrants are substantially more likely to work unusual hours than U.S.-
born workers.
Immigrants play a particularly large role filling odd hour jobs in several
key sectors of the economy.
Female immigrants are considerably more likely to work unusual hours
than U.S.-born women.
Immigrants and U.S.-born workers who work unusual hours are often not
competing for the same jobs.265
In addition, research spanning thirty- six years shows that on the whole,
immigrants commit fewer crimes than US citizens. This includes both legal
immigrants and undocumented immigrants.
According to data from the study, a large majority of the areas have many
more immigrants today than they did in 1980 and fewer violent crimes.
The Marshall Project extended the study’s data up to 2016, showing that
crime fell more often than it rose even as immigrant populations grew
almost across the board.266
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136 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
So with this knowledge, anyone can come up with the following chant:
Immigrants Work Hard
and
Cause Less Crime
This is factual information with emotional repetition because it’s a chant
that includes key words like “work hard” and “less crime.” The more
often such a chant is repeated with emotional intensity, the more likely
it is to enter people’s brains and get them to remember it, just like a TV
commercial.
4 Know When to Fight and When to Compromise
High- conflict politicians only know how to fight because they are endlessly
adversarial. You can point that out. Effective politicians know that compro-
mise is also necessary at times (unlike in the fantasies of fictional TV shows
and movies). The skill of compromise is what our nation was founded on and
how all laws since then have been made. That’s why there is a division of the
duties of the branches of government built into most democratic countries’
constitutions.
You can point out that high- conflict politicians have difficulty compro-
mising because they are stuck with all- or- nothing thinking, which doesn’t
allow them to compromise, even when doing so benefits people. You can
point out that you (or your candidate) will compromise when it makes
sense and fight when that makes sense. You want someone smart and cre-
ative, not someone stuck in a rut who tries to solve all problems by being
a bully.
5 Be Strong and Energetic and Powerful
This is surprisingly important to all voters. Over and over again in examin-
ing the appeal of “strongman” rulers, voters say that they feel safer and more
secure with a strong leader. This appears to be more important than any
particular policy and any particular party.
I believe that this goes back to the early days of human history, when
people really did need a physically strong leader to protect them from many
physical dangers.
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out Relationships 137
Conclusion
Focusing on building relationships with today’s voters is essential. That’s
how narcissistic and sociopathic Wannabe Kings seduce their followers.
Use emotions, but use positive emotions. Don’t waste time and energy on
bad- mouthing the HCP. Just mention him (or her) in passing, and focus
on issues. Focus on the fantasy crisis issue and explain why it’s not a crisis
but perhaps a problem to solve. Focus on real problems and how they will
address your listeners’ needs.
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11
SCREEN OUT NARCISSISTS
AND SOCIOPATHS
Few people really know about the existence of these high- conflict person-
alities, how dangerous they can be, and how deceptive they are.
If someone doesn’t know about HCPs and their surprisingly obvious
warning signs, they are apt to get fooled and possibly even make things
worse. They may become seduced into becoming a Negative Advocate— an
enabler—for a narcissistic and/or sociopathic HCP Wannabe King.
Now that you understand the basics of these HCP politicians, you can
start teaching their patterns to other people.
In my experience, people are motivated to understand the personalities
of the public people in their lives and the private people around them. I often
hear that people wish they knew this information months or years ago.
Always Adversarial, Endlessly Aggressive
The most fundamental behavior of high- conflict people (HCPs) is the same
anywhere: they are always adversarial, even when they are sounding rea-
sonable or being seductive. They are willing to attack anyone, including
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140 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
those close to them—family, friends, loyal colleagues, people in positions
of authority. This widespread, predictable, adversarial pattern of HCPs is
in- born and/or learned from early childhood experiences and influenced by
the person’s culture.
HCPs shock most people with how endlessly aggressive they are, even
at times when most other people would back off from adversarial behavior
and try to collaborate as peers. Unfortunately, in many conflicts, the most
endlessly aggressive person prevails (at least temporarily) over those who