by Steve Kort
“Ewww, look!” said Beast Boy. “Now that they’re married, she has to kiss all those gross mouths.”
“Mwwwah! Mwwwah! Mwwwah!” Starfire’s lips connected with one mouth after another on her husband’s now happy face.
Cyborg turned to Robin with sympathy and said, “And she never kissed you on your one mouth. Bummer.”
“We’re going to be here a while,” Raven muttered. “He has a lot of mouths.”
Two dozen slimy kisses later, Starfire turned to face her friends and said, “Was the ceremony not beautiful? Now, please enjoy the rest of your stay on Tamaran. I must go.”
“Where are you going, Star?” asked Beast Boy sadly.
“As the general’s wife, I must travel with his fleet as he conquers the universe,” she replied. “You will never see me again.”
“What? You can’t go with him,” said Raven.
“I know our customs seem strange, but it is important to honor them,” replied Starfire. “Good-bye forever, friends.”
As Starfire turned to take hold of one of her husband’s tentacles, Cyborg jumped to his feet and yelled, “This is not cool!”
Robin stood up and declared, “If Starfire is going to be forced to marry anyone, it’s going to be me!”
Raven and Beast Boy gathered next to their teammates as Robin cried out, “Titans, let’s annul this marriage!”
Brandishing his staff, Robin jumped into the air and quickly extracted three exploding Batarangs from his utility belt.
Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
Robin launched the three Batarangs into the air and watched with satisfaction as they expertly soared into three open mouths on the startled face of General Thraxxes.
Ker-Splat!
Globs of hot green slime splattered over the entire chapel, covering the Teen Titans and most of the wedding guests.
As the Titans wailed in pain from the hot goo, Starfire asked in confusion, “Friends, why did you blow up my husband? The peace treaty is now broken. The general’s army will soon attack, and I have dishonored my people.”
“And you are welcome!” Robin yelled angrily. “He was gross!”
As Raven wiped more slime off her cloak, she agreed, “Super gross.”
Starfire paused to think for a moment, and then she said, “Now the only way to save my planet from the invasion is in a traditional show of bravery by fighting Gridnock the Skull Crusher.”
“And if you don’t, this planet will be destroyed?” asked Cyborg.
“Yes,” said Starfire.
“Sounds good to me!” yelled Beast Boy.
Before the Titans could move, they were surrounded by an army of Tamaranian guards. They all carried giant axes, the sharp edges of each blade glinting in the light.
“These are the Guardians of Honor,” said Starfire. “They will escort us to our inevitable death at the hands of Gridnock. Hello, Guardians. Keeping those axes sharp, I see!”
CHAPTER
5
Far beneath the palace, in a dark and dank dungeon, the five Teen Titans huddled together, shivering in the cold.
Clang!
The iron door at the end of the dungeon was opened. Beyond the door, the Titans saw a large stadium and heard the cheering crowds anxious to view the battle between them and Gridnock the Skull Crusher.
“Wait until you see Gridnock,” Starfire said happily to her teammates. They slowly emerged from the dungeon and entered the dusty arena, their eyes blinking in the bright sunlight.
The crowd’s cheers grew even louder as the Titans walked to the middle of the arena.
Roaaaaaaar!
Suddenly, an ear-piercing growl filled the air as an iron door at the other end of the stadium was flung open.
The eyes of the Teen Titans grew wider as an enormous monster, over one hundred feet tall and covered in leathery orange scales, stomped to the middle of the arena and opened its giant mouth.
“Is he not magnificent?” asked Starfire.
“Why are you so happy about this?” asked Raven.
“It is an honor to prove one’s bravery on Tamaran,” explained Starfire.
“So… how many people have survived Gridnock?” asked Beast Boy nervously as he viewed the scattered piles of broken skeletons that had been shoved to the edge of the arena.
“None,” said Starfire. “That is why it is such an honor!”
“None?” said Robin as he crouched into a fighting stance. “Well, Gridnock has never faced the Teen Titans. TITANS, GO!”
With a joyous battle cry, the Teen Titans bravely charged toward Gridnock…
Gulp!
… and Gridnock immediately swallowed all five Titans.
CHAPTER
6
Deep within the stomach of Gridnock the Skull Crusher, the five Titans were huddled together on a small island of half-digested food parts in the middle of a pool of Gridnock’s boiling hot stomach acid.
“Whoa! Did we just get eaten?” asked Cyborg. “That was fast!”
As the stomach acid started to rise up closer to their island, Robin said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, Star, but we hate your planet and everything on it.”
Starfire looked sad and said, “You are hurting the feelings, Robin.”
“It’s true,” said Raven. “This planet is awful.”
“We have no idea how you came from a place like this!” added Beast Boy.
“Yes, life can be hard on Tamaran,” admitted Starfire, “but if I only saw the negative, my skull would have been crushed many years ago. Instead, I have learned to find the best in any situation. In fact, that is the only way I have been able to tolerate you all as my roommates.”
Beast Boy wiped a tear from his eye and said, “Oh, Star, that’s beautiful. I always wondered why you didn’t hate us.”
Rrrrrumble!
The island below the Titans wavered as Gridnock’s stomach acid continued to rise.
“Well, if we’re all going to die, we might as well be positive like Starfire,” said Cyborg.
“We’re in an alien monster’s belly,” Raven said with a nod. “What’s not to love?”
Cyborg reached his hand into the acid and extracted a ragged chunk of mystery meat.
“Oh, look!” he said happily. “Is that a half-eaten hot dog?” He popped the discovery into his mouth.
Blooork!
Seconds later, after Cyborg vomited over the side of the island, he smiled bravely and said, “Nope, not a hot dog. But I’ve never tasted anything like it. Very salty!”
Beast Boy dangled his feet over the edge of the island and dipped his boots into the stomach acid.
“It’s so nice and warm in here,” said Beast Boy as the acid ate away at his boots. “Like a free sauna!”
Buuuurp!
A loud belch from Gridnock knocked the Titans off their feet, and their island sank a few inches deeper into the boiling hot liquid below them.
Just then, Robin had an idea.
“If Star only survived on this planet because of her positive attitude, then we have to think like her. You know what that means.…”
He paused dramatically as his teammates looked on, and then he shouted, “Titans, Tickle War!”
CHAPTER
7
And so began the Titans’ epic Tickle War deep within the stomach of Gridnock the Skull Crusher.
Starfire moved quickly to Cyborg’s chest armor and popped open the panel that covered his ample stomach. Starfire began to tickle his exposed belly.
“Belly button! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!” cried Cyborg with helpless laughter as he catapulted up and crashed into the inner lining of Gridnock’s stomach. Still laughing hysterically, Cyborg bounced from one side of the monster’s stomach to another. With each collision, Cyborg knocked another hole in Gridnock’s abdomen.
“If Cyborg knocks enough holes in Gridnock’s stomach,” Robin said, “then maybe he will…”
Ker-Blam!
Before Robin could finish his sen
tence, Gridnock exploded into thousands of tiny orange fragments. The battered Titans tumbled to the floor of the arena.
“We defeated the Gridnock!” exclaimed Starfire.
Robin smiled at Starfire and said, “We couldn’t have done it without seeing things the Tamaranian way, Star.”
“Now you understand why I love this planet so?” asked Starfire.
“I think we do, Star,” said Raven.
“Then perhaps you will let me show you more of Tamaran?” offered Starfire.
The other four Titans jumped back in horror.
“Are you crazy?!” yelled Cyborg.
“Let’s get out of here,” said Raven.
“Worst planet ever!” declared Beast Boy as the Titans sprinted back to their ship.
CHAPTER
1
“This is very important, Titans,” Robin said loudly as he removed a thermometer and an expandable telescope from his utility belt, then waved them with a flourish in the air.
He had gathered the Teen Titans together in the living room of Titans Tower. Sunshine poured through the windows as Cyborg, Raven, Beast Boy, and Starfire waited patiently for Robin to get to the point.
“Temperature at eighty-two degrees,” Robin said as he studied the thermometer. “Winds gusting from a southwestwardly direction at ten knots.”
He unfolded the telescope, pressed it against the window, and peered into the distance.
“Clear skies and bright sun,” he said. “Really bright. Really, really bright. It’s happening, Titans.”
His teammates looked at one another questioningly. What did this mean?
Robin took a deep breath, leaned closer, and whispered, “Yes, it’s all there, Titans. The conditions are perfect for a…”
Robin paused dramatically for a moment, and then he shouted, “… beach day!”
“Yaaaaay!” The other Titans erupted into excited cheers.
“Sand castles!” yelled Cyborg.
“Surfing!” shouted Beast Boy.
“Water,” observed Raven calmly.
“Seashells!” said Starfire with a smile.
Then, without warning, Starfire opened her mouth and yawned. Her horrified teammates looked on in disbelief.
“Star, did you just yawn?!” Robin asked in a panicky voice.
“Excuse me,” she said. “I did not sleep very well.”
“Quarantine! Quarantine!” shouted Robin as he ran to a control panel at the far end of the room. He frantically pounded a button on the panel.
Whooosh!
A thick, Plexiglas column descended from the ceiling and quickly encased Starfire within its transparent wall.
“What did I do?” Starfire asked with puzzlement.
“You yawned!” declared Cyborg.
“Don’t you know that yawns are contagious?” said Beast Boy sternly.
“I have never heard that,” admitted Starfire.
“Well, it’s a very well-known fun fact! Don’t you pay attention to pointless trivia?” asked Cyborg.
Starfire pushed her hands against the Plexiglas and asked, “What do the yawns transmit?”
“Sleep! They transmit sleep!” bellowed Beast Boy.
Robin moved closer to his teammates and tried to restore order.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I think we caught it in time. Beach day is still a go.”
“That was close,” Beast Boy said with a sigh… and a yawn.
Beast Boy quickly clapped his hands over his mouth, hoping that his teammates hadn’t seen his yawn.
“Beast Boy! Not you, too!” said Cyborg.
“It’s… it’s not what you think!” Beast Boy said quickly. “I wasn’t yawning—I was… I was just breathing weird! Let’s hit the beach, fools, c’mon!”
Robin’s hand hovered near the control panel, and he said, “I’m sorry, old friend. It has to be this way.”
Whooosh!
A second Plexiglas tube slammed to the ground, surrounding Beast Boy. Within seconds, he was curled up on the floor and sleeping peacefully.
Cyborg peered into Beast Boy’s transparent prison and said, “I’ll never forget you, buddy.”
And then Cyborg yawned.
Whooosh!
“Aw, man,” Cyborg moaned as he slowly drifted into sleep inside his Plexiglas tube.
Robin turned to his one remaining teammate and said, “Well, Raven, it looks like it’s just you and… Wait!… Was that a yawn?!”
Raven quickly shut her half-open mouth and said guiltily, “No.”
She paused for a moment, sighed, then admitted, “Yes.”
Whooosh!
Seconds later, Robin was the only Titan not encased in Plexiglas. He pounded his fists together and declared, “These naps will not be taken in vain. I vow to make the most of this perfect beach day!”
His eyes began to close, and he fought to stifle the yawn that was starting to form around his lips.
“Must… not… yawn.…” he protested. “Must… show… off… hot… beach… bod.… Yawn!”
Whooosh!
The final Plexiglas column covered Robin.
CHAPTER
2
It was ten o’clock that night when the Teen Titans began to stir from their naps. Robin was the first to fully awaken, and he let out a scream when he looked at his wristwatch.
“Eeek! We slept through the most perfect beach day we’ll see for the next… !” he wailed as he peered at a small digital device he had extracted from his utility belt. He concluded sadly, “… for the next twenty-four years!”
“I am sorry, fellow Titans,” said Starfire. “I did not know about the yawns!”
Cyborg shrugged and said, “It’s all right, Star, no big.”
“No, friend Cyborg,” argued Starfire. “It is the ‘all wrong.’ This is not the first time my ignorance of Earth culture has ruined the merriment. Remember when I attacked those two small Earth children who arrived on Halloween because I thought they were the villainous Slade and a tiger wearing suspenders?” Starfire hung her head in shame. “I will forever be the celebration ruiner.”
“The term is party pooper, Star,” offered Beast Boy.
Starfire gasped and said, “I have never done such a thing to a party!”
“Star, we love you just the way you are,” said Robin.
“And the more you knew, the bigger bummer you would become,” said Beast Boy.
“That’s right,” agreed Cyborg. “Like Raven.”
“I am not a bummer,” insisted Raven.
“You’re a total bummer, Raven,” Robin said as he set up an easel and placed a large piece of paper on it. “If you will look at these charts, you will see that there is a direct correlation between knowledge and being a bummer. For example, take Beast Boy and Cyborg. Together, they know virtually nothing, and everybody loves them!”
“Thanks, man!” said Beast Boy.
Robin pointed to another graphic. “And here’s my chart. I don’t know too much or too little, leaving people not feeling very strongly about me one way or another.”
Robin then pointed to Raven’s chart and said, “And here’s you, Raven. You know a lot, and you bum everyone out.”
Starfire studied the charts and said sadly, “I do not wish to be the bummer!”
Raven grunted her disapproval and floated out of the room.
Later that day, Raven was floating down the hallway when she heard Starfire crying in her bedroom.
“Are you okay, Star?” asked Raven as she slowly entered Starfire’s room.
“It has happened again.…” Starfire said between sobs.
“What happened?” asked Raven.
“A misunderstanding. Beast Boy asked me to set him up on the blind date.…”
Just then, Beast Boy staggered into the room, his hands covering his eyes.
“Aaaaaaack! Why did you blast my eyes? I can’t see!” he cried out as he ran in circles and then stumbled out of the room.
“I am the sor
ry… and the hopeless,” Starfire called out as she softly whimpered.
“I’ll take care of Beast Boy’s eyes,” said Raven. “And I can help you, too. Do you want me to teach you some stuff?”
“But will that make me the bummer?” asked Starfire.
“No way!” said Raven. “Knowledge is power. I’ll give you a crash course in all things Earth-related.”
“I would prefer a course without any crashing.”
Raven rolled her eyes and continued. “Which brings me to lesson one: common expressions. You don’t have to take everything so literally. Sometimes people say things with a little style.”
“Oooh, interesting,” Starfire said. “I do not understand.”
“Hmmm, how can I make you understand?” pondered Raven.
“Perhaps through song?” Starfire asked.
“Ugh, fine,” Raven said reluctantly as she magically produced a piano and reached for a microphone. Seconds later, she was crooning a song for Starfire.
Don’t say what you mean,
But mean what you say.
It sounds complicated, but
It’s easy in every way.
Starfire danced around the room as Raven continued her song.
Don’t say you’re going to sleep. Nuh-uh.
Instead you’re catching zzzs.
Never say that things were easy.
No. Just say that they were a breeze.
Don’t say watch how you spend,
Say money don’t grow on trees.
You say what you gotta say every day,
But say it with style, and you’ll do okay.
“Got it?” Raven asked as she made the piano disappear.
Starfire clapped her hands together with delight and said, “I believe I understand! Your song was so kitten!”
“Kitten?” asked Raven.
“Yes! Kittens are good,” explained Starfire. “And so your song was good. Wait, am I not meaning what I say?”
Raven sighed and said, “Ugh. Clearly a song is not going to do it.”