Disconnected

by J. Cafesin

  Colleen and Arlene greeted us in the 'entryway,' which was four large tiles set into the cramped living room. Both women embraced me heartily and I felt welcome. The delectably sweet smell of pastry baking mixed with moldy dampness. Lee and I followed the women past the Christmas tree that took up a third of the room and blocked part of the kitchen threshold. The four of us gathered round a two-foot square butcher block 'island' (on rollers) in the center of the kitchen, where Arlene filled four glasses with champagne and we all toasted in the New Year.

  Cut to camera POV and the scene matched the one I'd imagined on the drive from Breckenridge, though less grand. It didn't matter. I was living a Hollywood Holiday scene, but a sip of the bitter bubbly reminded me this moment would be short-lived. Only in holiday movies did the mismatched friends toasting in the New Year foreshadow them living happily ever after.

  It was almost as cold inside as it was out. The house had no central heating, only a portable coil heater in the living room, and even with the oven on it didn't heat the kitchen much.. After another round of apologies and explanations, no one mentioned the previous night again. We relaxed into a casual conversation that flowed easily and morphed naturally. Even sensitive subjects were discussed openly, in stark contrast to Colorado. And I was glad I came.

  After the last of the bruschetta appetizers topped with crab, melted Gouda, and black caviar, Colleen pulled a joint from a small wooden box on the shelf behind her that created the nook space for the small pine picnic table where the four of us sat.

  "I want to show you both something after breakfast," Colleen said, handing me the joint across the table from her. "There's a fire road off of Route 199, which only the forest service can use. You won't believe the views from up there. You can see all the way out to the Pacific."

  "It's called Pearsoll Peak," Arleen said as she got up and got the eggs from an old, bulky white fridge. "It's extraordinary. You can see the curve of the earth from up there."

  I took a deep hit. I'd planned to leave after breakfast. I didn't know how to announce this without wrecking the moment, so I didn't say anything, instead took another hit and handed the joint to Lee sitting next to me.

  "Remember that lightening storm up there last year?" Arlene more said than asked, and she and Colleen had an unspoken exchange, both smiling playfully at each other with their memories. "You guys have gotta see this place."

  "It really is spectacular." Colleen chimed in as she got up, then pulled a big iron frying pan from the cabinet and set it on the stove top. "You've never seen anything like this."

  "Sounds like a plan," Lee said, and looked at me. “I'm in. How 'bout you, Ray?”

  "Does sound beautiful," I replied non-committal. But their description enticed. I love seeing places I've never been, especially ones I can't access on my own.

  We all pitched in making omelets, cutting the peppers and scallions, grating the cheese, American and Swiss. Lee expertly manned the bacon sizzling on the griddle. We cleared our plates, and then our pallets with another joint as we all cleaned up.

  I felt so bloated I could hardly breathe as I went out into the late-morning sunshine to give Face a plate of eggs and a couple slices of bacon. She was huddled in her sleeping bag but got up when I opened the hatchback. I stroked her as I set the plate down for her then sat in the back of my car, my feet dangling just above the ground. She gobbled up everything in less than a minute, seemingly without chewing, then lay on me and I patted her a few moments enjoying our calm connection until her big ears went up like rockets. She stood, her fur raised in a strip along her back, then with a low growl she bowed her head between her shoulder blades staring at the thick pine forest beyond the gravel clearing.

  "Whoa. What's your problem?"

  "Hi." Suddenly Lee was beside me.

  Face's ears matted in submission and she wagged her tail wildly while I tried to restart my heart and catch my breath. Then her rocket ears went up again and her tail went straight out behind her and she bolted out of the car and bound with fluid grace across the gravel and disappeared into the forest.

  "Aren't you going after her? Or call her or something?" Lee asked, bewildered by my inaction.

  "No. She only goes so far before she turns around and comes back. At least she has since the first time she went after something and couldn't find her way back to me. And she got lucky that day. My friend Jon found her. Since then she's never gone too far."

  "She doesn't want to lose you again." Lee said. "Neither do I. Join us at Pearsoll Peak this afternoon. I'd love to share it with you., instead of being the third wheel with my sister and Arleen."

  Boy, did I know how that felt, and I flashed on New Year's Eve last year at Frankie's.

  “And it'd be a great photo opp,” he flashed his Cheshire grin.

  Face came out of the forest and lopped across the gravel towards me, tongue hanging out, and seemingly smiling. Lee stroked her back and I scratched the diamond marking on her head and she stood frozen between us.

  "The view does sound extraordinary,” I mused. “I'd love to see it up there."

  Etheridge, a sleek, high strung racetrack-rescue greyhound came bounding out of the house right then, followed by Arlene.

  "You guys ready to go?" she asked as Face met Etheridge in the middle of the gravel drive and the two dogs engaged in chase.

  I looked at Lee. His green eyes were on me, alight with gentle humor, and at that moment I could foresee no reason why I shouldn't go with them to experience this spectacular scene. I'd leave when we returned, later that afternoon, maybe stay in Frankie's guestroom in Oakland if it got too late to go all the way to L.A. tonight.

  Colleen insisted that Face stay in the house instead of cooped up in my car for another two hours. She shut the hallway and the kitchen doors, separating the dogs so they wouldn't wreck the place while we were gone, leaving Face the living room.

  We piled into Arlene's Land Rover. I got shotgun because I get car sick if I'm not driving. We shared a joint winding along the Redwood Highway, simply the most beautiful road on the earth. Rich, vibrant emerald greens saturate the narrow canyon, the hills blanketed with old growth redwoods, some over 2,000 years old and twenty feet or more in diameter. The ground is covered with fallen limbs and fields of clover. Shards of bright sunlight cut through the 300 foot tall treetops, and the sky could only be seen above the thin band of the highway bordered by these graceful giants.

  Moisture was heavy in the air but it smelled fresh, clean, and was quenching. I stared out, mesmerized as always when driving through this canyon. I glanced back at Lee a few times, mostly to retrieve the joint or hand it to him, his eyes glimmering with playful excitement. And I felt that charge, that connection between us sharing the extraordinary scene.

  Arlene turned right off 199 and onto a dirt road with switch-backs up to the side of an enormous mountain. I was sure I was going to barf up all that breakfast, but then we reached the crest and the view opened to a snaking maze of mountain ranges drenched in forest green. The view was so unique, and so magnificent it captured all my attention even though the Land Rover was now bouncing along the hairpin turns of the ridge line.

  We finally stopped at a clearing on the top of the highest peak. It was well after noon, the sun already arcing west, and windy enough to buck the car a bit. We all got out of the Rover to survey the scene. It was cold, but not freezing like Colorado, maybe forty degrees outside. We were a thousand feet above the fog line, patches still clinging in the valleys below, the tops of enormous redwoods peeked through like little nails on a fluffy bed. Trees blanketed range after range coating the coastal mountains in every shade of green imaginable.

  "See it?" Colleen asked over my shoulder pointing to the horizon where the Pacific met the sky. "See the curve?"

  The horizon line of the small strip of ocean that could be seen just beyond the last mountain range was not straight, not even close. The arc of the planet was clear from up there, like the view from a plane at 30,00
0 ft. The four of us stood in the clearing on top of the world scanning the panorama in awe.

  "Oh my god," Lee whispered as if not to disrupt the scene.

  I knew exactly how he felt. I'd never seen anything like it.

  "See those huge, ugly brown patches where the trees have been cut away?" Arlene stood next to me and pointed to a hillside beyond.

  On the mountainside near us and several more in view there were large patches where there were no trees, instead littered with stumps, and from a distance they looked like headstones. Below these treeless areas, massive swathes of fallen Redwoods lay like corpses.

  "When they clear cut like that, the soil runs down the hill and literally suffocates the trees for hundreds of feet down the hillside," Arlene said.

  "I spent the last six months compiling an EIR, got geologists to file addendums that proved clear cutting more of this area would have devastating effects," Colleen added. "The Forest Service awarded Evergreen Lumber the contract for clear cutting on Friday, right before the Christmas break."

  I was suddenly aware of how cold it was up there. "I thought our National Forests were protected," I said indignantly.

  "Most people do. It's actually only National Parks that are protected. The Forest Service is a bunch of bureaucrats bought off by big lumber. They keep pushing the boundaries of the Park lands, turning it into National Forest so they can cut more. The Good Ol' Boys have legalized rape."

  “God, I had no idea,” Lee mused.

  I looked around at the exquisite mountains imagining a time when they would be stripped bare and shuttered. Colleen put her arm around Arlene's shoulder and pulled her in. The women stood huddled together against the cold.

  "It's beautiful, but fucking freezing out here," Lee practically whispered and moved closer to me for warmth. I moved against him, body to body, and felt his heat, only then realizing how cold I was. My fingers were practically numb. I cupped my hands and blew on them, then Lee took my hand in both of his. Instant warmth, like a mitten, so I did not pull away, even after he gently laced his fingers with mine and held my hand.

  We stood on the mountaintop experiencing the view. I waged an internal battle between staying cozy with Lee and capturing the moment forever, finally excusing myself, pulling away and instantly freezing without him as I went back to the Jeep and got my camera bag.

  A tripod was required for the long exposure needed to clearly capture the scene. I extended the aluminum legs and set it near where everyone was still gathered then mounted my camera.

  "Nice camera. Nikon. The best of the best," Lee said.

  I smiled, glad he'd noticed. I'd worked hard to acquire the thousands of dollars of camera equipment I now possessed. I attached a 22mm lens and a plunger to the shutter release, then looked through the viewfinder.

  My world narrowed to the view through the camera as I focused the lens on the horizon. I took a few shots, then straightened, smiled at Lee watching me. "Wanta see?"

  He looked through the viewfinder and studied the scene through the camera a minute then straightened. "Beautiful." His lips looked blue.

  "You guys ready to head back?" Colleen stood with Arlene huddled hand in hand. "Winter isn't the best time to be up here too long. I'm freezing my tits off. Let's go."

  My nipples were painfully hard too, but I felt a need to capture the full panorama in this once in a lifetime opportunity. "Give me a minute for a few more shots?" I wasn't really asking, already moving the tripod with the mounted camera to another spot along the edge of the clearing.

  "Take your time, but I'm waiting in the car," Arlene said. "Care to join me, honey?"

  "Love, too." Colleen agreed. "You coming little brother?"

  "You bet. I'm freezing my ass off. I'm outta here, my dear. Meet you back in the car."

  I captured a full 180 degree panorama in eight overlapping shots, the setting sun casting long shadows sure to show off the depth of field in the scene. I almost dropped the Nikon and then the lens as I unscrewed them with frozen hands, but managed to get my gear back in my camera bag without damage then headed to the Rover.

  "The prodigal artist returns," Lee said with a grin as I got into the passenger seat. "Thought we lost you to your muse out there."

  "Better watch out for that bitch, Rachel." Colleen commented. "I think she may be trying to kill you, keeping you out there for the last twenty minutes in forty degrees."

  "Twenty minutes?" I was aghast. "I wasn't out there but five, wasn't I?" I looked at each of them in turn and then at the digital clock in the stereo cassette player mounted in the dash, but 3:30 meant nothing to me since I had no idea when we got up there. "I'm really sorry. Why didn't you honk or something? I didn't mean to keeping you all waiting."

  "We're fine in here," Lee said. "It was you we were worried about."

  "And we wouldn't want to get in the way of great art." Colleen said.

  Arlene put the Rover in gear and we left the clearing. "I've never even thought to bring a camera up here. Guess I figure I can come up and can see it whenever I want to."

  "But it won't be the same tomorrow. The landscape is dynamic, always changing with the weather, seasons, politics, as you've said." I flashed on the clear cut graveyard.

  "You're not kidding." Colleen chimed in from the back.

  "What I captured today is unique to this moment in time, which can now be shared with others not here to see it. And if I did it right, not just glimpse the image visually, but experience it viscerally— feel the cold, the wind, the wetness, smell the rich earth, the redwoods, and be awestruck and humbled by the majestic beauty." I shrugged. "And if I really did it right, it'll help motivate people to join the fight to preserve all this."

  "I told you she was a diehard idealist." Lee said with gentle humor.

  I glanced back at him, his expression filled with tenderness, but he didn't look right. His face was very red, his eyes watery and rather swollen.

  "All artists are idealists," Colleen assured her brother.

  He smiled. So did I, but had to face forward to avoid getting sick along the switchbacks descending the mountain. We were mostly quiet the rest of the way back. Either Lee or Colleen lit a joint and we passed it among us in silent reverie, lost in the passing scenery and the memories of the day.

  I looked back at Lee when we got on route 199. "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah. No." He gave me a wan smile. " I feel like shit. I think I might be getting sick."

  Colleen reached out and felt his forehead. "Wow. You are hot. OK. As soon as we get back to the house I'll make you some chicken soup, and tea with honey and lemon."

  "I don't want anything to eat, Col. And I hate tea with lemon. Mom always used to give it to us when we were sick and I hated it then and even more now because of the reference. I just want to get a room like we talked about, and go to sleep."

  "You don't need to get a motel room, Lee." Arlene said. "I really don't like the idea of you driving when you're so sick. Just stay at our place tonight and we'll take care of you. Rachel, you're staying the night, right?"

  I'd assumed we'd be back earlier and I'd have taken off by now. The long drive ahead loomed, but staying the night there didn't work for me either. It was freezing inside their house, and there were spiders in webs in every corner of every room. I hate spiders.

  "I appreciate the offer," Lee said. "I love you both, but you need the heater in your room, and I really just want a warm place to sleep tonight. I'll be fine, Colleen. Don't worry about it."

  It was almost dark by the time we got back to their house. I went to my car to put away my camera bag as everyone headed inside. Moments later, walking to the house, Lee came out of it. His mirthless expression did not mask his tension.

  "You have to promise me you won't be totally mad."

  Statements like that and you know you're fucked.

  "It's no big deal, so don't freak out about it," he added as we walked to the house. "This is totally dealable, and no one got hurt which is wh
at really counts, so don't have a meltdown."

  My heart beat in my throat as I followed him into the living room. The room was a wreck, like a thief broke in and tore the place apart. Face went running from me. She tried to hide under the Christmas tree, knocking it over in the process. Colored lights exploded on to the floor, then they all went dead. Colleen ran to the wall socket and pulled out the plug. She and Arlene righted the tree while Face slinked to a corner of the room.

  "Oh my god," fell out of my mouth. The carpet around the front door tiles was clawed to the floorboards. The blinds on three of the four windows were shredded all over the floor. The paint around two of the windows was scratched to the wood. I looked at Face shaking in a corner behind the fallen tree. "Get the fuck over here," I spoke in a low, growling tone then held her nose in the ripped carpet and in the shreds of the blinds all over the floor and told her NO! Then I pulled my dog by the collar to the front door, which wasn't easy with fifty pounds of resistance, and threw her out of the house then slammed the door shut, only then noticing the paint along the side and bottom of the front door was also clawed to the wood.

  Colleen and Arlene tried to minimize their disappointment, but it wasn't working. They assured me it was no big deal, easy to fix and that I was forgiven but their faces revealed their anger as they surveyed the damage.

  I felt horrible, apologized again and again. I promised to replace everything back to the way it was, knowing it would cost hundreds which I didn't exactly have to blow away. As angry as I was with my dog, her well-being was my responsibility. I excused myself from straightening up right then, went outside and whistled. Face came slinking up, her ears back in submission, tail down, practically between her legs. I growled at her, cussed a bit too, then put her in the car for her safety.