Disconnected

by J. Cafesin

  "My sister just called, asked if we wanted to come by for breakfast, then go up to Crater Lake today. Who would have guessed there's so much see in Oregon?"

  "I'm taking off this morning, Lee. I have to get back to reality, get back home and back to work to cover the bills I've accumulated this vacation."

  He frowned. "I thought we could stay through the weekend. And I told you I'd cover the damage Face caused. Come on. Stay."

  "I can't. I really have to take off. I've been on the road for three weeks now. Vacation's over. It's time to get back to L.A."

  "I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk before you left. Sorry for passing out on you last night, but I didn't realize you'd be taking off so early." He paused, looked at Face scouring the line of trees. "Thing is, I've been thinking a lot about what you said that night in my car, and on the phone with you in Colorado." He looked at me intently. "I totally get why you're afraid to be with me. And I'm completely on the page that everything you've said is right. It's time for me to stop acting like a kid and grow up. So, I'm gonna start controlling my spending, open a savings account and put money away, and pay the government off sooner than later to get them off my back. I want to start eating better, healthier, and play a lot of ball. And I'm following your lead and giving up weed when I get back to L.A."

  My skin prickled with his assertion. I stared at him, tried to see into him. "You serious?"

  "You bet. I can't promise I'll abandon it forever, but I'm going to prove to you, and me, that I'm not now, nor have I ever been addicted to weed." He stayed fixed on me, his expression resolute.

  Tenderness stifled intuition's rejoinder not to move beyond friendship. He'd admitted I was right, that he wanted to change. All he needed was to be shown the way. And I was sure I loved him right then. Lee was dynamic, willing to change, 'a work in progress,' as Chris had said. We both were, and maybe, just maybe could be better together...

  Lee stared at me, studied me, first my eyes, then lips, then back to my eyes, seemingly searching. "Come to breakfast at my sisters before you take off. Give you all a chance to say goodbye."

  "I can't, Lee. It's a long drive and I want to get on the road. But please thank them both for me, and tell em how much I appreciated their hospitality, and how sorry I am for what my stupid dog did."

  He smiled, shook his head. "I'll tell em. No worries." Water dripped off the ends of his hair. Only then did I notice it was raining.

  I called Face to come before she was thoroughly soaked, hoping to avoid wet dog smell for the first fifty miles on the road, opened my hatchback and she glided in happily. Shepard's aren't fond of getting wet. I turned back to face Lee.

  "I'll miss you," he said. "But I'll see ya in a few days in L.A." Then put his thick hand on the back of my neck, pulled me in and kissed my forehead, pressed his warm, full lips just above my brow sending heat through my face, into my chest, right down to my crotch. Several beats passed before he pulled back, let his hand drop casually and pocketed them both in his jeans but kept his eyes on mine. "Drive safely."

  “I will.” My forehead was still warm and my crotch still tingled from his kiss as I unlocked my car door and opened it, my brain literally buzzing with adrenaline and pheromones. One last look before leaving, our eyes locked and I felt our electric connection, like he was inside my head.

  His eyes sparkled with affection and humor. His chestnut hair cascaded to his shoulders in soft waves. His full lips revealed a hint of his Cheshire grin.

  I reached out to him then, grasped his face in both my hands and kissed him, full on his lips. I couldn't help it. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I slid my hands around the back of his neck as heat spread from his lips to mine, then into my cheeks. His hot tongue moved into my mouth and set my entire body tingling.

  Hard to say how long we stood there kissing, but I noticed the rain pouring down on us the moment Lee did. We finally separated, soaking wet and laughing, then bid each other farewell. I got in my car and closed the door cutting the cord, but not the connection between us.

  -

  Chapter 17

  On I-5 just south of Medford, hard, slushy rain demanded my focus to keep the Honda on the road. I felt anxious and craved a joint, then realized I'd just quit and craved it all the more. I was going back to L.A., like countless times before returning from traveling, but didn't feel that suffocating heaviness looming, anticipating being back there with Lee. He'd be back in Eagle Rock late Sunday night. We'd see each other Monday, play racquetball, our last game seeming eons ago, perhaps go out to dinner at Maria's after we played. It could be different between us now with Lee ready to be a grown up, working together to help each other be the best we can be. I was suddenly breathless with excitement by the possibility. I could hardly contain my delight harboring the notion the grueling search for my knight may be over. I merely had to cultivate the Prince I seemingly possessed.

  At the rate I was going I wouldn't get home until after midnight— never a good time to be on the road in L.A. these days. It finally stopped raining as the Shasta Range descended to the mouth of the San Joaquin Valley just after Redding. Vast grasslands radiated golden light between the deep emerald groves of ancient walnut and oaks. Big, puffy explosions of gray clouds with blazing white outlines of sunlight were breaking up against the azure sky.

  The sun had set when it started raining again about a hundred miles from L.A. Jerk drivers abound as traffic slowed to stop and go, making the slick roads even more dangerous. Rain pinged and sheeted off the windshield, balls of ice inside the droplets of water. Probably snowing up on the Grapevine. I wove through traffic to get to the pass before they closed it. Making my move around some asshole crawling along, I spotted a silver sedan, like Lee's Mercedes changing lanes two cars back in my rear view mirror. The car slipped into the fast lane several cars back and I lost sight of it, and laughed at my silly schoolgirl crush, imagining Lee everywhere.

  Some idiot flashed their brights behind me. I was going as fast as I could without going through the car in front of me. I focused on the driver in my rear view mirror. I could tell it was a guy by the breath of his silhouette, but with his headlights reflecting the rain on windshields it was impossible to see his face. I could barely make out the vehicle he was driving, a gray or possibly silver sedan. He flashed his brights again and I cussed out aloud but put on my blinker to move to the right and let him pass to avoid being the victim of a drive-by. I looked over my shoulder to see if I was clear and saw the jerk driver move into the slow lane blocking my entry.

  "Fine, asshole. Go around me." I watched the car moved along side me. Without the glare from his headlights I could easily see the car was a silver Mercedes, exactly like Lee's, actually, and pictured him behind the wheel smiling and waving at me, then realized he was real— Lee was next to me, pacing me on I-5.

  Red brake lights flashed on the car in front of me commanding my attention by their sheer proximity. I slammed on my brakes and had to swerve into the right lane to avoid hitting them, grateful Lee had backed off beside me, giving me room to move in front of him.

  The odds of us being on the same road at the same time were about a billion to one unless he'd followed me. The idea creeped me out a minute, then I discounted the notion since I hadn't seen a silver Mercedes anywhere on the road until now. A green sign for Twisselman Road Exit 1 mi ahead came and went, and I put on my blinker to indicate for Lee to follow me. He gave me a quick flash of his brights.

  My wipers squealed across my windshield, like fingernails on chalkboard as I got off the highway. The rain had stopped but the air was dense with wetness and looked like swarms of tiny bugs gone berserk in my headlight. A few hundred yards from the interstate I pulled onto the dirt along Twisselman road. Lee pulled up behind me and left his lights on as he got out of his car and came over to mine. I turned off my engine, told Face to stay and got out to greet him.

  "This is unreal. I can't believe this," he said as he approached. "
The odds of meeting out here have got to be astronomical! I saw your car miles back but didn't believe it until I got in back of you and saw Face." We met in the middle, his surprised expression likely matching mine. "Good to see ya." Wide smile as he gathered me in his arms and spun me around and we both laughed. He put me down and stared at me, his eyes twinkling with wonder, and humor, and I felt the spark of our electric connection.

  "This is so bizarre!" I said. Arbitrarily running across each other still needled me. "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying in Oregon for the weekend."

  "Decided not to."

  "Why?"

  "I missed you the moment you left." He kept his eyes fixed on mine. "Didn't feel like staying without you. Stopped at my sister's, said goodbye and hit the road."

  Same road, leaving Medford close to the same time, it was possible, even likely with the traffic he'd have caught up with me.

  "I would have bet a billion to one against us meeting out here. Must be Kismet—we're meant to be together." Then he gathered my face in his hands. “I'm ready to be the man you need.” He pulled me in and kissed me. His thick lips blanketed mine in warmth, then his tongue traced my lips and then slipped in between them. He held my face in his big hands and transferred his passion, his desire. My crotch tingled with the pressure of his hardness against me. I sucked in his tongue gently, then rhythmically, welcoming him.

  Thunder sounded way off, then cracked loudly nearby and I felt it resonate in my chest. I pulled back from him to catch my breath and saw lightning flash over a nearby vineyard.

  "Wow." Lee and I said in unison, like kids in wonder, then laughed.

  The smell of ozone filled the air and suddenly lightning spread through the clouds above us like hundreds of long, fine, burning hairs. Thunder instantly followed with a loud fizzle of electricity.

  "Oh my god! You see that?" I shouted to Lee, turning away to look around, taking in the view of silver lined thunderheads lit up by the almost full moon peeking through.

  Lee howled like a wolf at the sky, then yelled, "Let's get out of here. I'm sure to lose you in traffic but I'll call you when I get home, or you call me." He turned away and so did I but he grabbed my hand and pulled me in again for a quick kiss, smiled as he released me and ran back to his Mercedes. "Drive safe."

  "You too." I went back to my car. Face was up and in motion, edgy from the storm.

  Lee flashed his brights and I waved as I got in my car and stroked the dog to calm her. She'd clawed my last car to the floorboards when I took her on a photo shoot to Blue Jay Way to capture a storm over L.A. As I swung the Civic around in a tight u-turn I assured Face in a calm, soothing voice everything was fine. Good. Great, in fact, though my cooing turned to cussing when I hit my brakes to avoid slamming into the dead stop traffic on I-5.

  Lee followed me onto the packed interstate and stayed with me a few miles until traffic picked up again. I lost him as I wove around slower drivers on my mad dash to the Tejon pass, but I felt Lee back there, behind me, our connection still intact even with miles now between us.

  -

  Chapter 18

  I crawled along in the rain on the Ventura Fwy for half an hour, though it was only three miles to my exit. I could've walked faster. Who are all you people? Why are you here, fucking up the freeway at midnight? Get out of my city! Gripping my wheel in frustration I thought about the vacation, all that had happened, but it was far away already, like something I'd dreamt. Then I thought of Lee, and smiled. I had someone to be with if I choose to, someone to watch over me, shelter me from the harsh reality that my home had become.

  It was close to 1:00a.m. when I finally pulled into my driveway. It surprised me to see my roommate's car parked in front of the garage as I pulled in back of her, blocking her in.

  Suzanne sat at the dining room table when Face and I came in the back door and through the kitchen. She stared out the bay windows stone still, dressed in her typical black attire.

  "Hi." I greeted her, sensing her darkness. "Happy New Year!"

  "Hi." Her tone verged on morose. She didn't even glance at me.

  It was obvious my roommate had been crying. I stopped, unsure what to do next. Getting too personal with roommates always ended badly, but I sat down across from Suzanne at my cheap, pine-rimmed glass table anyway. Four houses and twenty five roommates later and I ought to know better, but watching someone crumbling, well, I couldn't just walk away. "What's going on Suzanne? You okay?" Clearly she wasn't.

  "We broke up. Tony decided he was madly in love with some supermodel that's been all over him since his band went gold." Suzanne finally looked at me. She looked like a puppy after just getting kicked. Her straight, lifeless brown hair hung to her shoulders and hid too much of her face. Her flat brown eyes behind black, plastic-rim glasses were surrounded in red, her ashen cheeks streaked with wetness.

  "Tony's an asshole, Suzanne." I tried to sound sympathetic. I'd never actually met the guy so I didn't want to totally slam him, especially if they got back together. "You are talented, smart, and adorable and he's blind if he can't see that." I kept my eyes on hers but she looked away, back out the window.

  Only thirty, Suzanne was a brilliant singer and songwriter. She was a piano teacher for the money. Her unique sound was beyond standard rock or even punk and way too avant garde for the mainstream. She would forever be one of the background people you'll never know, but her sound will undoubtedly have a profound impact on music of the future. Of course Tony knew this, probably why he dated her. His band took Suzanne's original sound and made it commercial.

  "But Tony promised to launch me. And now I'm back to nowhere, with no one. I'm back to being invisible." She looked back at me, pleading, scared, desperate, and looked away again.

  Ouch. And I was suddenly so very grateful to Lee for saving me from obscurity, and the suffocating void my roommate was now trapped in. I watched Suzanne stare out the window. It was close to 1:30 in the morning by then. Exhausted from the drive, I tried to think of something to say to soothe her so I could exit the scene. "You're not invisible, Suzanne. And you are not alone. Besides friends and family who love you, you have your music. Engage with your muse. Let it steel you from the void. You know this. You don't need to be with Tony, or any guy to make it. Use all the intensity of your feelings right now and create a great tune that'll blow the doors off MCA. Tony and his band aren't the only players in town. This is L.A., not Pennsylvania. Practically everyone here is in, or connected to someone in music."

  "And even if they're not, they think they are. Everyone out here is a musician or producer or director or writer or in 'The Industry.' It gets so tiresome. But Tony was the real deal. The Chili Peppers are hot right now. And with Warner Brothers repping them, it's likely they'll get a lot hotter with the publicity machine behind them." She glanced at me then seemed to disconnect, as if a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Do you think it makes me a whore that I care more about losing my chance at fame than I do about losing Tony?"

  If Suzanne was a tramp then I was surely one too. I wouldn't consider dating Lee if he didn't make good money, enough to support a family. Even owing what he did in back taxes, he still made more than I ever would freelancing. And if, by some miracle I landed a man's position as a creative director in an agency, my salary alone— far less than any man would get— would never cover the cost of raising kids in the better school districts of L.A. But no matter how much Lee had or made, I wouldn't be with him at all if he was fucking every groupie in town. Several times over the past couple of years Suzanne had come home crying after allegedly catching him with another woman.

  "So now you're the tramp when he's plastered all over the rags with a different woman on his arm every issue, and not one of them, in two years, has ever been you. Doesn't that tell you something, Suzanne? It should tell you a lot." I knew I sounded harsh but I felt mad at my roommate right then. "You're better off without Tony, even if all you wanted him for was his connections. And if that'
s really the case, there's a hundred more like him in this town so all is not lost." I stood up to indicate the conversation was over. The whole context of it irritated me. It shamed all women when we tolerated abhorrent behavior from men just to stay with them.

  In my room I replayed my four new messages. Jon and my mom wished me a happy New Year. Lavonne had broken up with Joe again and wanted to know if I was available to talk soon. The last message was from Lee.

  "Call me when you get home, just to let me know you're safe. The grapevine was a bitch, wasn't it?"

  I crawled into bed and called him. "Hi."

  "Hi. When did you get home?"

  "About a half hour ago. When did you?"

  "Few minutes ago. How'd you like the snow coming over the pass?"

  "It was totally cool, like moving at light speed through a star field."

  "I knew you'd love it. Was thinking about you going through it, that you'd think it was beautiful." I felt his smile, our connection through the line. "Well, I'm glad you're back safe. What are you doing tomorrow?"

  "Laundry. What about you?"

  "Same. Wanta play some ball, then do dinner?"

  "Love to. What time do you wanta play?"

  "Let's try for around 3:00, but it's usually crowded on Saturdays. I'll call for courts in the morning and let you know."

  "Okay."

  "Well, get some sleep. Have sweet dreams and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

  "Sweet dreams. Bye." I held the phone after he disconnected and listening to the dial tone for what seemed like minutes, but it was probably more like three seconds before I hung up. I heard Suzanne go into her room, felt the weight of her sadness with her footsteps, and retrieved my journal.

  1/3/92

  Andy Warhol was wrong. Fifteen minutes of fame is only for the select few. Most of us live and die in obscurity.

  -

  Chapter 19