Destroy Me

by K. D. Carrillo

  Kate's eyes showed a steely resolve. "If we can't take flight, then we'll fight. My brother, my friends, and you will never be in the cross hairs again, not because of me."

  "Kate, John is dead. That's what I was talking to Daniels about on the phone. He suspects the cop that harassed you a few times, Freddie Pratt, is responsible."

  "I won't be able to believe he's dead until I see for myself," she argued.

  Chapter 24

  Kate

  Reed lifted me up and cradled me in his arms. "I can walk," I protested.

  He lifted his eyebrow at me.

  "Okay, I can hobble," I amended.

  "My girl doesn't need to hobble when I'm around."

  Reed set me down gently in the truck, and ran around to the driver's side. I tried not to wince when he started the ancient beast. My foot rested on the floor, and the vibrations traveled up my foot. The persistent movement made me grit my teeth against the pain.

  "What's wrong, Katie girl? You've got an odd look on your face," Reed asked.

  "I'm fine," I panted.

  "You aren't fine," he countered.

  "You're right, I'm not. I need a hospital, but we are hours away from anywhere we will have someone to watch our backs. Distract me," I begged.

  "I want three kids," Reed blurted out.

  My mouth dropped open. Kids? I wanted him to distract me from the pain, not give me a heart attack.

  Reed chuckled. "That's kinda backwards, huh? You're supposed to tell me you want kids and I'm supposed to freak out."

  "Something like that," I choked out.

  The corner of his lip curled up. "We've wasted a lot of time dancing around each other over the past year. Life can be short and I want to live mine. After everything we've been through the last few days I'm going to go after what I want, and what I want is you in a white dress followed by three kids."

  "Why rush? The journey is the point, not the destination," I said.

  Reed started mindlessly tapping the steering wheel, and checking the mirrors more frequently.

  "Reed?"

  He took a deep breath. "My dad died when he was in his thirties, but he had a great life. I remember the way he and my mom looked at each other. Then he was gone, and there was this emptiness left behind. My mom said that the pain she felt was worth every minute she got to spend with him. I want that."

  "You want emptiness and pain?" I asked confused.

  "Have you ever heard that OneRepublic song 'I Lived'?"

  "Of course, I love them, but I don't see what that song has to do with emptiness and pain," I replied.

  "I mean I don't want to be scared to take risks. I don't want to fear the end so much that I don't take the chance. Losing you could end me, actually it would fucking destroy me. But every minute I'm with you is worth any pain I might feel in the future," he explained.

  "Why are you so sure you're going to lose me?" I asked quietly.

  Reed glanced away from the road for a second. I saw fear flash in his green eyes. "You have a history of running from me, and if that weren't bad enough someone is always trying to take you from me."

  "Is that what all the talk about marriage and kids is about?"

  He shook his head. "No...well, not completely. Part of me wants the reassurance, but I mostly just want a life with you."

  I felt my heart sink. I couldn't believe the words I was about to say, but neither could I stop myself from saying them. "Don't ask me. Please, don't. I can't say yes to you right now. Not like this. Not when you propose because you are scared of losing me."

  "Katie..." he began.

  "No, Reed. If you propose to me now our life will always be tainted by my ex husband."

  "But, he's dead," he reminded me.

  "And yet I'm still suffering because of him," I muttered.

  Reed's jaw flexed a few times as he clenched his teeth. I watched his internal battle play across his face, but he didn't say another word to me for the rest of the drive.

  I sat silently next to him wanting to comfort him and slap him at the same time. Not sure which emotion to go with I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep.

  A few hours later I was startled awake by the screeching brakes and the lurching protest of Gerry's truck as Reed forced it to a stop in front of the hospital. I stared at him, and willed him to talk to me, or just look at me, but he continued to glare straight ahead.

  I'd let my fear push him away, and I hurt him in the process. I was so sick of myself. Sick of the fear that rolled through my belly, and made my skin break out in a cold sweat. Even now I wanted to storm out of the truck and leave this feeling behind.

  Two things held me back. First, and the most obvious, my ankle was really messed up. I couldn't run anywhere. Second, I was hopelessly in love with Reed Martin; the scary, heart-racing, breathless kind of love.

  I've told him that I loved him, but I knew he needed to hear it from me again. That's the thing about fear though, it can sneak up on you, kick you when you are already going down, and paralyze you emotionally. As much as I wanted to tell him, to reassure him, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

  Chapter 25

  Reed

  I turned the truck off and sat there staring out the front window. I couldn't look over at Kate and see the disapproval on her face. I was scared, and pushed her when I knew she wasn't ready.

  I did want to get married, but it was more of a down the road desire than an immediate need. At least it had been, before running from bullets and spending a night freezing in the Oregon woods.

  I'd been through the required therapy after my return from the war. It actually helped a lot, so I continued until nightmares weren't a regular occurrence. There were moments of panic, but I didn't let it overtake me. I kept Kate safe, well...mostly. But that was before I helped her into the truck and turned back toward Ellensburg.

  I couldn't stop or slow the images that raced through my mind. I saw my dad smiling through tubes and wires. His bald head reminding me his smiles were fleeting, and a world of pain was heading straight for me. I saw myself standing near a closed coffin, because he'd wasted away to nearly nothing, with my arm around my mother's slumped shoulders.

  More pictures raced into my mind, memories I wished would fade away. I felt the grime on my skin, tasted the dust and dirt I couldn't stop inhaling, and heard the constant pop pop of bullets whizzing around my unit. I felt the weight of my M-16 strapped across my chest and the rest of my gear jammed into my rucksack on my back.

  I wanted to scream to everyone to get down, but part of me knew it was just a memory. I saw the bullet streak through the air and slam into my friend James. I couldn't think about anything other than getting to him and assessing his injury.

  I left my covered position behind the Humvee and ran toward James. I heard the shouts behind me to take cover, but they sounded far away and muffled. I heard the whistle of bullets race past me and kick up tiny puffs of dirt when they hit the ground.

  I kept moving forward even though I was in the line of fire. I stumbled and a searing pain tore through my leg. I tried to stand, but my leg buckled. I continued forward, dragging my leg behind me.

  I tried to assess him where he was, but it wasn't safe. I hooked my arms under his armpits and pulled him back toward the rest of our guys. They leaned over him checking for vital signs. The medic shook his head and I knew he was gone.

  My hands and clothes were smeared with blood. Desperately, I tried to wipe it off, but I kept coming up with more covering me. It finally registered it was my blood. I'd been shot trying to save my friend. Trying and failing to save him.

  My hands shook with the need to check my leg and prove to myself I wasn't bleeding. I squeezed the steering wheel to keep from rubbing my leg. It was in the past, I reminded myself.

  I don't know how I held it together in the woods. When the bullets flew past us in Oregon I paused. It was only a fraction of a second, but when Kate fell I swear my heart stopped for a moment. Then I
heard her whimper and I knew she was still with me.

  I shoved down the fear, buried under the surge of adrenaline, and focused on getting us out of danger, but when that rush disappeared my fear returned. My mind kept playing out all of the ways that I could lose her.

  I knew she was hesitant to get married again, but I couldn't keep myself from suggesting it. I didn't trust myself to speak, but I couldn't just sit in silence and let her think I was pissed off at her.

  "I'll get your door," I managed to say.

  Kate nodded, looking away from me when I tried to catch her eye.

  I parked the truck as close to the emergency room entrance as I could and ran around to open her door. I reached for her, but she flinched away from me.

  "I'm not mad at you," I said in the most comforting tone I could.

  She turned her face away from me, and curled into herself.

  "Katie girl, look at me please," I begged.

  Slowly she turned her head to look at me. Her chin was down and her soft blonde hair fell forward hiding most of her face.

  I reached forward and tipped up her chin with my finger.

  "I'm not mad at you," I repeated.

  "But, I... I told you not to ask me," she whispered.

  "And you were right. Don't get me wrong, I do want to marry you, but I shouldn't have asked you like that," I admitted.

  "You're going to ask me again?"

  I studied her face trying to read her expression. "Do you want me to?"

  "I think so. I mean I love you, but the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me," she confessed.

  "Do you see us staying together?" I held my breath afraid of her answer.

  She looked at me with her expressive brown eyes, and I could see her thoughts flash in their dark depths.

  "Yes. I don't want to be without you, ever," she swore vehemently.

  That was enough, for now it would have to be enough.

  Chapter 26

  Reed

  I paced the waiting room, waiting on the doctor. Kate was given special treatment since she worked at the hospital and was taken straight back. That was forty-five minutes ago and still no news from the doctor.

  Daniels walked into the waiting room and leaned against the wall. There wasn't another person in the room besides the two of us. I wasn't sure if the ER was unusually slow, or if Daniels had arranged a private room for me. I suspected the latter since he was trying to keep our return to Ellensburg under wraps.

  Daniels scowled at me. "Calm down. It's just her ankle, but you're wearing out this floor like you're waiting to hear if she's still alive. Try to stay focused."

  I stopped for a moment and glared at my partner. He was one of the few people I've told about my struggles with PTSD. I got help when I needed it, but it didn't mean that I shared that shit with everyone. Partners had to trust each other with their lives and I figured trusting him with my demons was part of that.

  "I've been through a shitty couple of days, so forgive me if I'm a little jumpy when she's out of my sight."

  He nodded once and I returned to pacing.

  Several minutes later a very loopy Kate was wheeled into the room. The doctor walked in the room a moment later with treatment instructions.

  "Miss Kennedy has a severe sprain in her right ankle. One of the ligaments is torn, but thankfully there aren't any fractures. She needs to keep it immobilized for the next couple of weeks and she'll be given leave from work while she's recovering," he explained.

  I took the information and her prescription for pain meds from the doctor. Daniels took the script from my hand.

  "Take her to Aiden's and get settled in. I'll go get her meds. I don't want either of you leaving that fortress your friend considers a house."

  "We can't go to their house. Neither of us," I tipped my head toward Kate, "would forgive ourselves if any of this followed us to their house. They have a baby, and Becca's been through enough."

  "I appreciate you thinking about my family," Aiden said, stepping out from around the corner. "You were there for me when I needed to keep them safe. Let me be there for you."

  I shook my head vehemently. "I won't risk the safety of a baby."

  Aiden's eyes darkened, and his jaw clenched. "Do you think I'd risk my son or my wife?"

  My mouth opened and closed a few times while I thought of the right response. Aiden held up his hand to keep me from interrupting.

  "I'm not going to talk about my security measures here. I'll show them to you and you'll see that I can keep everyone and my family safe. I'd never risk them. You know that," Aiden insisted.

  Jeremy was waiting outside the emergency room when I pushed Kate out the front door. He held his hand out and I gave him a puzzled look.

  "Keys, Reed. I'm driving the truck to your place and storing it in the garage. Toni and Cameron are waiting with Becca and Scott. I'll be there too once Daniels get's done at the pharmacy," Jeremy said and headed for the truck.

  Kate was really quiet while I talked to the guys. It wasn't like her to sit by while others made decisions for her. I looked down and saw that her head was slumped forward and she was snoring softly.

  "Will you quit arguing with me now and get in the car so you can get her into a bed? I'll be honest with you. If I don't bring the two of you back to the house I might never see Becca naked again."

  "Now the truth comes out," I joked.

  "We take care of our own in this family, and we are a family," he replied seriously.

  "I'll come take a look," I agreed. "Why is everyone gathering at your place?"

  "This Pratt guy knows enough about us to know that he can get to you or Kate through any of us. And don't give me that look.

  "I'm not blaming either of you for this shit. You didn't blame me when Vanessa shot you. I blamed myself though, like I know you will, but just don't. Like I said we stick together."

  Chapter 27

  Kate

  I woke up when there was a slight dip in the bed next to me. I had no idea how long I'd been asleep, but with the pain meds the doctor prescribed it could have been days. My eyes felt like they had been glued shut and I forced them open to see Becca sitting next to me.

  "How long have I been out?" I asked in a scratchy voice.

  Becca handed me a bottle of water. I opened it and guzzled greedily, spilling water over my chin.

  "About four hours. I brought you some food. Reed said not to let you try and get around by yourself."

  I ignored the food. My prescription had made me queasy. I looked around missing the one person I wanted to see most. It was amazing how I went from pushing him away, to needing him next to me. "Where's Reed?"

  Becca fidgeted, and looked up at me through a curtain of dark red hair. "Daniels brought Jeremy back. He got a call almost as soon as he walked in the front door."

  "Spit it out, Bec. What is it you aren't wanting to tell me?" I demanded.

  Becca looked up at me completely and I saw fear in her green eyes. "The station called Daniels and told him to bring Reed in. Actually he was told to bring both of you in, but you were still unconscious. Kate, God this sucks. Pratt turned in evidence to Internal Affairs that shows Reed dumping a body outside of town."

  I sat up and started to get out of bed, but Becca pushed down on my shoulder. "He didn't do it, Becca. What night are they saying this happened?"

  "I honestly don't know. He wanted to go and get it over with while you were still sleeping, but that was hours ago. We all know he didn't do it. I'm sorry I don't have more to tell you, but believe me when I say that we will fight our way through this," Becca promised.

  I'd been hard on Becca when she got involved with Aiden. Love hurt, it destroyed, or that's what I'd thought. John told me he loved me, but his love hurt and broke me down. I didn't understand that real love lifted you up, that it could heal. I saw Aiden's intensity and feared for my friend.

  There was darkness behind her clear green eyes that I related to. I didn't ask, because I wo
uldn't want to answer myself. Instead I allowed my fears to keep me from stopping someone I cared about from seeking relief at the bottom of a bottle and in the arms of strange men.

  I said nothing, until the darkness started to lift and her smiles seemed genuine. The love she found with Aiden was helping her heal herself, but I waited and watched for bruises and pain. Love hurt, I was sure of that, until Reed.

  Somehow he worked his way under my mistrust, around my fear, and through my anxiety. I loved him, despite myself. I pushed him away for a year, avoided him when I could, but his patience made me question everything I thought I knew about being loved.

  The silence between Becca and I began to feel awkward. She sat on the edge of the bed watching the thoughts play across my face. She never pushed, never pressured; she just waited for me to work through what ever I was thinking about. I wonder if I had intruded or shared my burden with her would either one of us have made different choices. I can't say I would repeat my past. I wouldn't marry John again if I was given another choice, but the choices I had made brought me Reed.

  I bit the corner of my lip. "How did you overcome the fear and the doubt enough to let Aiden in?"

  Becca laughed and shook her head. "Let him? Aiden knocked me sideways. I never saw anything as wonderful as him coming for me. He just loved me. I don't know how else to explain it. When I tried to pull away, when I thought I'd break into so many pieces I'd never be put back together, he just loved me.

  "I don't believe you can fix another person. What's broken inside of us, we have to fix ourselves. Aiden gave me the strength to do that.

  "Before him...I felt...dirty. Like there was poison deep inside of me that everyone could sense. I couldn't cope with what happened...with being raped. It's still hard for me to say. I was raped."

  Becca swallowed hard, and some of the color had drained from her peaches and cream complexion. I wanted to tell her to stop. She didn't need to share something that hurt so deeply, but I saw determination flash through her. She was stronger than I gave her credit for. Was I?