Destroy Me

by K. D. Carrillo

  "A lot of people probably couldn't have handled my baggage. I knew that then, but I interpreted it wrong. That was their shortcoming, not mine, and thank God for it. I'm blessed with a husband that would take on the world to get to me. How many people know without a shadow of a doubt that the person they love feels the same way, and strongly enough to fight anything trying to come between them?

  "I love him more today than the day I married him. More than the first time I saw him holding our son. Tomorrow I will probably love him even more than today. I still have moments when I feel the darkness creeping in, and he helps me fight it away.

  Aiden helped me see that what happened to me, wasn't me. I wasn't filthy, the sick fuck that preyed on a young girl was. It didn't define me. I define me," she swore staring me straight in the eyes.

  My eyes stung with tears I couldn't let free. "What if I can't?" I whispered.

  "You breathe. In and out. You hold on to anything that keeps you in the here and now, and you breathe. You live Kate, there's no real secret. You choose to fight the demons, because only you can. You ask for help and take it.

  "Each step, each breath can be a struggle sometimes. When the memories crawl over your skin, climbing from the dark depths inside your bones, it can be hard to breathe. Your hands start to shake and just getting to the next moment feels impossible," she empathized.

  I nodded, finally allowing a lone tear to escape my burning eyes.

  "Aiden once told me that he couldn't fix me. I felt my stomach sink, because I needed him to be my hero. I thought I needed him to heal me. Then he said he'd hold me while I fixed myself. He helped me be my own hero. Let Reed in Kate."

  I smiled for the first time in days. "I don't think I could keep him out if I wanted to."

  I began to cry harder. Becca was right. Some moments felt like too much, and I just needed him here. When had that happened?

  "I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to push him away, but I'm still scared. He wants to get married and have kids. I...what if..." What if what? What was I scared of? I asked myself.

  "He isn't your ex-husband. You have to learn to trust yourself again," Becca said softly.

  "I want to. I know he's nothing like John, but I'm still scared. I'm not even sure why," I admitted.

  "I think you've lost so much over the last few years that you are afraid of the pain you would feel if you lost him," Becca observed.

  "It would destroy me," I confessed.

  Becca raised her eyebrow. "And what would life without him ever being in it do to you?"

  I hadn't thought about that. My life was so different since he stormed into it. He made me smile, laugh, and sometimes he royally pissed me off. He changed my life from one of guarded survival to a life I felt I was actually living.

  "Life without Reed would be dull. I get it now. Reed said his mom never regretted one minute with his dad, even thought losing him was the most painful thing she'd ever experienced. I'm so stupid, Bec, and I've wasted so much time fighting loving him."

  She shrugged. "So stop."

  Was it that simple? I wasn't sure if it was simple, but the lightness I saw in my friend since she'd met Aiden told me it was definitely worth it.

  Chapter 28

  Reed

  Aiden had just finished giving me a tour of his safe room. A freaking safe room! No wonder he wasn't worried about Becca and Scott's safety. He had a concrete and steel reinforced bunker with its own air, water and electrical supply. I'm not sure if he was preparing for someone breaking into the house, or the zombie apocalypse, in either case the Ryan's were ready.

  We walked up the stairs from the basement as Daniels came in the front door with Jeremy. His cell started to buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out and gave me an odd look after he glanced at the screen.

  Everything sped forward after that. Daniels was ordered to bring me in for questioning. That's how I found myself sitting on the wrong side of the interrogation table in a room I used to control.

  I was left alone for over an hour, and when Daniels finally came back into the room, I was on the verge of losing it. "What the fuck is going on here. You know I'm not a goddamn murderer!" I shouted.

  He pulled out the chair across the table from me and sat down. "You know I didn't have a choice in this. It's procedure. Pratt brought in evidence and it had to be checked out."

  I scoffed. Years of loyalty and dedication to this department, and what did it get me? The moment a crazy asshole started making accusations against me my ass was hauled into a room on the wrong side of a two-way mirror. Fuck this!

  I pulled my badge out of my pocket and slammed it on the table. I really wanted to toss my gun on there too, but they took that when I was brought in here.

  Daniels eyed my badge on the table and shook his head. "Don't do this, Martin."

  "Too late," I snapped. I was done. I'd felt the need for a change for a while, but I hadn't felt the push to move, until this.

  Daniels leaned forward and whispered, "Did you know that Pratt's uncle is a lieutenant in patrol?"

  I shook my head. It made sense. No way that incompetent little shit moved up on his own.

  Daniels waited for it to sink in and continued. "Look, I tried to get the captain to see reason, but there are a lot of politics at play here. He doesn't want to be seen giving you the benefit of the doubt, when Pratt might have real evidence. I left you in here hoping you would get pissed and call for a lawyer."

  At least that explained why my partner was acting like a dick. It wasn't like I expected him to quit his job over this, but it still pissed me off.

  Daniels checked his watch. "When the captain comes in here in less than a minute I want you to stop the interview. Demand we release you or let you see your lawyer. I've already called Aiden, and his dad is on his way."

  I scowled at him. "That will make me look guilty."

  He scrubbed his hand over his face. "Damn it! Don't you see that there are already people here willing to hang you out to dry! Not everyone, but we need evidence on that little shit before we can come at him. I'm on your side. Now let Mr. Ryan demand to have the video analyzed and get you out of here. Kate needs you."

  My mouth went dry. Kate needed me. I had to swallow my pride, and accept this betrayal from the career I'd poured myself into. It's only a job. For a long time it had been my life, but my priorities changed. Kate was what was important.

  The captain came in on cue, and I slammed my hand down on the table. "Am I being charged?" I demanded, probably with more drama than necessary.

  "Detective Martin, we just need to clear some things up," the captain began.

  I stood up. "If I'm not being charged, then I'm leaving."

  "Now, let's not be hasty. There have been some pretty nasty accusations, and they need to be addressed. The tape Officer Pratt brought in is pretty damning. I have enough to charge and hold you if necessary," he shot back.

  I remembered that the lieutenant, Pratt's uncle, was married to a senator's daughter. He might not outrank the captain, but his connections scared him. The captain was going to play politics with my life.

  I flicked my badge so it spun a little. "I'm not Detective Martin anymore."

  His eyes shot down to my badge on the table. "That's a little hasty don't you think? Unless you have something to confess."

  I could see the hope in his eyes. He wanted this wrapped up nice and tidy. Forget the embarrassment this would be to the department to have a murderer on the payroll. I guess it beat having a murderer on the payroll that happened to be the nephew of one of the brass. I was the better of the two options.

  Hell, they would probably blame it on my PTSD. They would tell the papers that I snapped and would receive treatment in jail. No one would miss the lowlife I'd supposedly killed, and the scandal would die down.

  A knock on the door interrupted whatever the captain was about to say, and Aiden's dad, Frank Ryan walked in. The man looked like an older version of Aiden. He was just as tall, a l
ittle softer around the middle, but with the same navy eyes and blonde hair. His was graying around the temples, but the resemblance was striking.

  His suit was expensive, and he carried himself with authority. Mr. Ryan was not someone you wanted to be on the wrong side of. I smirked realizing what I was unleashing on the department that betrayed me.

  Frank calmly opened his brief case and began extracting legal documents. "Captain Morris, I have court orders for you to turn over the tape to a forensic technician. Also, since Officer Pratt provided evidence that contradicts my client's solid alibi, I have contacted the State Patrol to run an independent investigation into this matter. I have solid evidence that my client was indeed with my son and their friends at my son's residence when this video was supposedly taken."

  The captain opened and closed his mouth several times. I raised my eyebrow at his confusion and stood. Two State Patrol officers walked into the room and I fought laughing at the captain's obvious irritation with having the case taken from him.

  "Mr. Martin, you are free to leave," one of the officers said.

  He didn't have to tell me twice. I turned to Frank and shook his hand. "Thanks," I said, although that didn't cover it.

  Frank clapped me on my good shoulder. "I still owe you for what you did for my son. You aren't a killer, kid. Now go take care of that girl of yours," he replied.

  "How did this happen?" the captain asked no one in particular.

  "Pratt isn't the only one with connections. Perhaps you should have looked deeper before you tried to turn me into a scapegoat," I sneered.

  "I've got this," Daniels reassured me.

  "I want to know what they find," I whispered.

  "If I can stay on the case, I'll let you know," he promised.

  I followed Frank out the door and saw Daniels speaking to the State Patrol. If anyone could talk his way into an investigation, it would be him.

  Chapter 29

  Reed

  Frank headed straight for Scott's nursery the moment we entered Aiden and Becca's house. Becca walked out of Kate's room and caught Frank trying to sneak into the baby's room down the hall.

  He smiled sheepishly. "Hello, Rebecca."

  "Frank, are you planning on waking up my son?"

  Frank's mouth quirked up, in the same crooked smile as Aiden. "I heard a noise?"

  Becca shook her head and laughed. "You're as bad as your son. I find him sneaking in after I put Scott to bed at least three times a week."

  The door to the nursery creaked open. Aiden stepped out, cooing to a drowsy Scott. Aiden froze when he saw all of us standing in the hall. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. "He, uh, made a noise?"

  Becca fought a smile, and put her hand on her cocked out hip. "Was that before or after his daddy tried to get him to wake up and play?" Despite the scowl on her face, her eyes sparkled with love watching Aiden with their son.

  I envied Aiden. The woman he loved wasn't too afraid of the ghosts in her past to marry him. They could move forward without the shadows chasing away the light. I didn't envy his money, although he was loaded, because if he woke up tomorrow poor he would still be happy. Everything he wanted was held secure in the little bundle in his arms and in the heart of the tiny redhead in front of him.

  I scrubbed my hand over my face and realized I hadn't shaved in a few days. I guess there wasn't a reason to now. I couldn't believe I handed in my badge. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It had been my life for so long and suddenly I needed to find a new direction.

  I didn't make the decision because of Kate, but I was afraid she would blame herself. She needed me, but I was pretty sure she didn't want to. It didn't matter, because I was all in. I knew that she loved me, but she still didn't trust me with her heart.

  I shook off my depressing thoughts and watched Frank snatch Scott away from Aiden. Aiden glared at his dad, but then it occurred to him that his dad was watching Scott. He stalked toward Becca. She squealed and backed away.

  "I'm still in the mood to play," he said still advancing on her.

  Becca giggled and moved further down the hall.

  Aiden lunged and grabbed her around the waist. He hoisted her onto his shoulder, and smacked her on the ass. "I'm ready for mommy and daddy time."

  Becca caught me hesitating at Kate's door, and motioned for Aiden to stop. He brought her down, and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She looked up at me through eyes turned glassy with unshed tears.

  "When bad things happen to you over and over, the pain seeps deep inside until you believe the blackness is rooted deep inside of you. It festers until you believe that anything beautiful you touch will turn into something ugly."

  Aiden's breath caught. "Red," Aiden groaned and wrapped both of his arms around her. He held her tight to his chest, as if his touch could chase away her monsters.

  "Shh," Becca comforted him. "It's hard to believe sometimes that this is my life; to accept that Aiden could really love me. Happiness is new to me."

  Becca kissed Aiden on the cheek and he buried his face in her neck. She ran her fingers through his dark blonde hair, before she turned her attention back to me.

  "Reed, you need to remember, I wasn't attacked by someone I cared about. I hadn't chosen to make a life with him. He preyed on the friendship of my parents in order to get near me."

  Becca took a shaky breath as Aiden closed his eyes tight, obviously feeling her pain.

  She grabbed my arm and squeezed, willing me to listen to her closer. "Kate was hurt over and over by someone who was supposed to love her. She didn't ask to be treated the way she was, but in her mind she did, because she chose to be with him. Not only did he batter her mentally and physically, but he made her question her choices."

  "Give her time to trust herself. It isn't you she's unsure of. Kate doesn't trust herself. Only she can fight this battle," Becca said with a sad smile.

  "I'm supposed to stand back and do nothing?" I asked incredulously.

  Aiden pulled his attention away from Becca. "No. You hold her when she cries, and you hold her up when she feels like she has hit the bottom. You love her, even when you aren't sure it will be enough."

  The mood in the hallway had turned more somber. I felt bad for bringing them down with my dark mood. They rarely had time alone and our talk brought back memories they had worked hard to put behind them.

  Aiden ran his hands through Becca's long red hair, fisting it and pulling her mouth to his. Without releasing her he lifted her up until she wrapped her legs around his waist. There was urgency and desperation in their movements after we talked, where there was playfulness before.

  I kept telling myself that Kate needed me, and she probably did, but what I wasn't admitting was that I needed her too. I needed her to hold me and reassure me that I hadn't made a huge mistake. I was lost without her and needed her arms to hold me still.

  Chapter 30

  Kate

  I could hear them talking about me in the hall. Not every word, but enough to understand that Becca was reassuring Reed about my feelings.

  Becca's voice faded down the hallway and heavy footsteps moved toward the door. I quickly settled back in the bed, adjusting the covers, to hide the fact I was trying to listen.

  The door inched open and Reed poked his head in. "You're awake. I was worried."

  I could see the stress in the creases between his eyebrows. He seemed tenser than he did outside of the hospital. "You're back. They don't really believe that you... that you're capable of..." I stammered.

  "Shh," he whispered, and crouched down at my side. "There are a few who want to believe I killed him. It makes it easier for them than to see the truth. Pratt is better connected than I realized, but so is Aiden. His dad convinced the State Patrol to take over the investigation. Pratt won't get away with this."

  He believed that, I could see it reflected in his clear green eyes. His confidence usually soothed me, but there was something bothering him.

  "Talk to me. Tell
me what's put that look on your face," I begged.

  Reed stood abruptly and began to pace. His muscles were coiled tight, and he pulled at his hair like he was swallowing a scream.

  He stopped and stared at me for a long moment. He took a deep fortifying breath, and asked quietly, "Do you love me?"

  "I'm sorry…" I began.

  A wall went up behind his eyes, before I could continue. "You don't need to say more," he replied in a strangled voice.

  He turned away and started to walk out of the room. I scrambled off the bed. My right leg touched down and pain shot through my ankle. I scowled at the awkward air boot, but kept moving toward Reed.

  I grabbed his elbow and held on tight. "I meant that I'm sorry you don't know how much I love you. You are everything good in my life and I hate that I've given you a reason to doubt that."

  Reed studied my face. The moment he saw what he needed, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. "I love you so much," he breathed into my hair. "I could lose everything, but if I still had you I'd have what was most important."

  He scooped me up and gently put me down on the bed. Carefully he crawled up next to me. "You aren't supposed to be up."

  I groaned. I hated being still. "Reed, I can't stay in bed twenty-four hours a day. I'm going to have to use the bathroom eventually."

  Reed's eyes darkened, and his voice rasped with desire. "I like keeping you in bed." He cleared his throat, "Seriously, if you need to get up I'll carry you."

  "No way, nuh uh, not happening. You are not carrying me into the bathroom," I protested.

  He chuckled at my obvious discomfort of him seeing me pee. "I'll make you a deal. Since this room has a bathroom in it, you can hop yourself in there, as long as you let me help you get everywhere else."

  "That was going to be the deal all along wasn't it?" I accused.

  Reed smirked in response. I'd have fought him on principal, because I was that stubborn, but he was adorable when he got cocky.

  I loved the peace of this moment. The world seemed to fall away when we were together. It didn't matter that everything was falling down around us, because we had this moment.