Almost Loved

by Mira Toria

  It was pathetic.

  It was completely pathetic how she was letting this happen because she couldn’t learn to let go. It was harrowingly obvious that Bradley had no problem letting go. It was so painfully pitiful that she couldn’t let herself do the same thing.

  There was nothing worse than knowing you had every reason to move on, but none one of those reasons mattered.

  The moment was short lived because she heard Evey squeal out a hello to someone.

  “West is here.” Lyris went back to her bench, putting an end to her conversation as she got back to work.

  If Hale was disappointed, he didn’t let it show. “I’ll see you later on?” he asked.

  “If you come with West, I don’t see why not,” she said vaguely.

  She had to put some distance between the two of them. Being close to him was confusing because she couldn’t understand how one person, one stranger, could make her feel inexplicably safe yet so vulnerable at the same time. The distance she needed wasn’t necessarily for his sake – she wasn’t a saint – she wanted it so she could figure out her headspace.

  “Not entirely what I meant.” He reached over and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, not bothered by how she froze at his touch. “And Lyris, don’t think I forgot about what you said the last time we spoke.”

  “About fate?

  “That,” he agreed, “and about you taking me up on my offer for a date. I never really believed in fate before, but now I don’t know. After yesterday and today, I might just have to.” Still smirking, Hale left a baffled Lyris staring at his retreating back as he walked towards the front.

  What exactly am I getting myself into?

  “I haven’t seen you like this for a while,” West mused, setting his coffee on the table. “I’m still a little thrown that Lyris was the girl you were talking about yesterday. The idea that she was the one that finally pushed you to try something new for the first time in years, it’s kind of unnerving.”

  Hale tried not to smile behind his coffee as he took a drink. Lyris didn’t seem like just anyone to him. She was a secret that didn’t want to be solved, but needed to be solved even though it protested loudly. He’d never known someone to look so uncomfortable in their own self decreed solitude.

  “Is she usually like this?” Hale asked him. It seemed to him she held herself back and he wanted to know what made someone so seemingly loud, so quiet. “I mean, is she usually defensive and timid at the same time?”

  “Maybe around you she is,” West muttered, rolling his eyes. “Ly isn’t the greatest social butterfly, but she’s sociable when she needs to be.”

  “So she’s always like this?”

  “To strangers,” West said, watching Hale carefully. “What are you trying to get at?”

  Hale didn’t keep many friends around necessarily. He considered most of his connections simply connections, but somehow with West the two of them were able to maintain a friendship that was fostered and preserved through blunt honesty.

  “I’m going to guess that Ly isn’t seeing –”

  “Lyris,” West interrupted. “Her friends call her Ly and no, she’s not seeing anyone. Look, I can’t believe I’m saying this but Ly doesn’t need any drama, Hale. She’s gone through a bit and no matter how she acts right now, I know she’s not completely over it.”

  “Are you concerned for her or wary of me?”

  “Both.” West looked straight at Hale. If Hale had doubted whether West was serious or not earlier, there was no mistaking it now. “I can make fun of her, but I don’t have a problem with knocking out any asshole that tries to play her for a fool because she looks like an easy target.”

  “I’m not looking for an easy target, West. If you haven’t noticed, Lyris isn’t exactly what you’d call easy.”

  “Don’t fuck around with her.” West glanced behind him quickly to make sure the girls wouldn’t be able to hear their conversation. “She’s one huge pain in my ass, but she has always been like a sister to me.”

  “Also doesn’t help that Evey’s her best friend as well,” Hale laughed. “I got it West. But do you really think I’d do something like that?”

  “You’ve been out of this for a while. With anyone other than Lyris, I’d be worried about your sanity.”

  Hale frowned, knowing what West was about to get to. Only a handful of people knew about Annabelle and he had no intention of bringing her up today – or ever – so he changed the topic.

  “What if I just want to be friends with her?” Hale glanced over at Lyris behind the counter.

  She looked so relaxed in her element, it would’ve made him second guessed whether he had imagined her being awkward if West hadn’t already confirmed it. Her smile was set at ease and she laughed easily with the customers and coworkers behind the bar.

  “Yeah, because I look at girls like that when I want to just be friends,” West snorted.

  Hale kept his grin in check but it didn’t stop the corners of his mouth from lifting. “I look at her the same way I look at you.”

  “If you did, Evey would scratch your eyes out. Come think of it,” he paused and cracked up. “I dare you to look at Lyris just like you did now and see what Eves does.”

  “I highly doubt this look you keep referring to actually exists.” Hale finished off the last of his coffee and checked his watch. “You’ve been hanging out with the girls too often.”

  “If you’re so sure it doesn’t exist, just stare at Lyris in front of Evey and then we’ll see who’s right and who’s just being stubborn.”

  Their conversation was put on hold because they both had to get to work, but Hale wasn’t going to back down that easily.

  “I’ll admit there’s something about her that’s intriguing, but intrigue doesn’t exactly equal love.”

  “I didn’t say love,” West smirked. “I wasn’t anywhere near it.”

  “Those Hallmark movies are really getting to you,” Hale commented, ignoring West’s obvious gloat. “You’re starting to script my life out as one.”

  For the following week, Hale accompanied West to the café every morning. And each morning Lyris found herself looking forwards to seeing him. They never got a chance to exchange more than a few words because of how quickly he had to run after grabbing his coffee, but in spite of how fleeting their conversations were, she craved for more.

  She was given a taste of what falling could feel like and she couldn’t stop.

  With each day she spent with Hale, the more she found herself laughing. She caught herself smiling without reason and more importantly, she felt as if he’d given her a footing to finally move on.

  It wasn’t just because of Hale that walking forwards seemed easier. Being around him made her remember how much she missed being how she was. She missed laughing without remorse. She missed not worrying about making a mistake.

  She missed actually living.

  One morning she found herself in the back talking with Hale. Her usual assistants weren’t scheduled to work for another half hour and Hale had swung by earlier than expected because he insisted he wasn’t able to sleep.

  Their conversation started off groggily as the both of them were still trying to wake themselves up, but everything picked up with the questions started flying.

  “What?” His question surprised her and as a result hand slipped from beneath her and a cloud of flour floated upwards. “Seriously, Hale?”

  “The weirdest position you’ve been asked to do.” He was sitting in a chair, leaning his elbows on his legs, waiting for an answer. Lyris had him bring a chair in for himself because more often than not, his suits would be dusted with flour. By having him sit, she managed to minimise the damage.

  “I heard you the first time, but that’s a little personal, isn’t it?”

  “Come on, you don’t have to be shy, Ly. I can tell you that one time this girl I was with actually howled at the full moon like she was a werewolf.”

  “Were you doing
it doggy style?”

  “And here you thought my question was too personal.”

  Lyris ignored his quip, choosing to throw another question his way instead. “You do realise most people start off with generic questions like – what’s your favourite colour?”

  “Can’t say those questions really leave an impression because of how generic they are.” The tone he spoke in was always soft, easy going, but his stares were always the opposite.

  It was chilling in a way that made her wonder exactly what his real questions were. It was as if they were chosen carefully so they would seem purposefully harmless so he could lead to something bigger.

  It was oddly. . .thrilling.

  She felt more awake a few minutes with him than anyone else. He didn’t seem like a person that’d give her the easy way out the same way West and Evey usually did because they just didn’t want to push. He was a man of games and even though she couldn’t get ahead, she wanted to stay in step with him.

  “But in case you were wondering, mine’s blue.” He walked around the room, looking over at the pile of receipts. “And since we’re on the topic, what’s yours?”

  “Purple.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” He brushed off some of the flour that clung onto the sleeve of his blazer. “So much more boring, isn’t it?”

  “Okay fine,” she conceded. “You’re right and by all means, go back to flapping off that dirty mouth of yours if you want.”

  “I’ve never had complaints about my mouth before.”

  “That quickly.” She shook her head, biting her lip so he wouldn’t think she was encouraging him. “You went from polite and bored to a dirty little bastard.”

  “This isn’t even close to be dirty, Lyris.” Hale went up to her, leaning his body to hers so closely she could feel his body heat, but yet he wasn’t touching her.

  Her breaths became heavier by instinct and she tried hard not make it obvious the effect he had on her. She had never been so close to someone without touching them.

  “Trust me,” he whispered, the tip of his lips just touching her jawline as he made his way up. “You’ll know when I’m talking dirty.”

  She felt lightheaded as he backed away slowly and she was sure her cheeks were flushed. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him to kiss her hard until she was senseless.

  But she wouldn’t give into the obvious temptations he set out.

  Something about Hale brought out her competitive side and she took a step towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She felt his body tense up because he hadn’t expected her to react to what he said, but he fell into the rhythm quickly and shot her a look that dared her to continue.

  She wasn’t going to back down now.

  Going on her tip toes, she leaned in so close to him. “I think,” she whispered, letting her lips brush against his with each word. “I think you expect me to back down.”

  For the first time since she’d met him, Hale was at a loss for words. He always had the appearance of being confident because he was able to predict most people’s reactions and it was a win in itself knowing that she rendered speechless. It looked as if he couldn’t read her as well as he wanted to.

  “Remember how I saw I wasn’t going to be another conquest?” She pulled back from him slowly. “That hasn’t changed.”

  A sound from the front interrupted their conversation and they heard West hollering good morning. Whatever it was that happened between them settled and Lyris stared at Hale, waiting to see what he was going to do next.

  Instead of looking deflated, he looked more intrigued than before. His eyes were bright and they held a mischievous promise as he walked out front.

  “Definitely far from boring.”

  Hale didn’t come by the café the next two days and it was just as well considering how busy it was. Lyris hardly had time to use the bathroom with the demand. Her assistants were working hard in the back with her, but they all agreed that they couldn’t wait for the rush to pass.

  As the crowd started to thin, Lyris let her assistants go off for a well-deserved break before they had to start the process again.

  The bell to their door chimed as a man walked through holding flowers in his hand. “I have a delivery for Lyris.”

  Lyris shared a look of confusion with Evey before she walked towards the courier. “That’s me,” she said cautiously.

  “Flowers for you,” the man said cheerfully. “If you could sign here as well, it would be appreciated.”

  “I didn’t order these.” She felt befuddled as the man handed her just two flowers tied neatly with a cream coloured ribbon. She wasn’t expecting flowers from anyone and even if she did, she never would have expected colours as ambiguous as blue and purple.

  “I just deliver the flowers.” The man checked off his list and passed her a card. “Maybe you have a secret admirer.”

  Instantly her mind went to Bradley and she was tempted to throw the flowers into the garbage can, but she knew Evey was watching. Keeping her cool, she thanked the courier before setting the flowers onto the counter.

  “These are pretty.” Evey took the flowers from her to put into a vase. “What does the card say?”

  Gingerly, like she was expecting it to explode, Lyris opened the card and braced herself.

  Blue and purple and rather complimentary aren’t they? I guess generic questions have their use after all.

  Hale

  “They’re from Hale.” Her grin was monstrous and she let out a laugh. As much as he irked her in his own way, there was something about him that she couldn’t really stay away from. It was nice getting flowers and it was even sweeter that he managed to get them in their favourite colours.

  “I think I heard you swoon Ly,” Evey teased. “I think he’s even won me over at this point.”

  It was rather uncharacteristic, but after Evey filled the vase, she went into the back, making an excuse about how she’d clean up so Lyris could admire her flowers in private.

  “Are you just subtly hinting I should text him?” Lyris already had her phone out, but it was sweet how Evey was trying to be less hands on.

  “I have no idea what you’re saying,” she whistled. As she was about to disappear, her head popped back out, a cheesy smile already growing on her mouth. “But now that you mention it, are you?”

  “Oh hush.” Lyris threw a towel at her and laughed. “You already know what I’m going to do.”

  “And it’s so adorable because it’s like I’m watching a little bird learn how to fly. I know it’s going to happen, but it’s still cute when it does.”

  Lyris: The flowers are beautiful, thank you.

  Hale: Glad the delivery man didn’t run off with them for himself. That would’ve been awkward for me to explain to his wife.

  Lyris: You got me two stems, I think it takes more than that to woo the delivery man.

  Hale: Nonsense. If it’s wooing you already, the delivery man is already under my spell.

  Lyris: Really though – why two?

  Hale: You think I’m being a cheap ass.

  Lyris: I honestly don’t know what to think when it comes to you.

  Hale: That’s how I like it.

  Lyris rolled her eyes at his evasive answer, but then she caught the flowers that were sitting on the counter in a tall vase. He was a mystery and yet he made no secret of hiding it from her. It was baffling for her to think he was making the effort he was to get to know her. She was evasive when she first met him, then perpetually indecisive the second time and almost dismissive the third. There was the assumption that he would eventually get bored of flirting when he realised she had no intention of taking it further, but it seemed to fuel him.

  She wondered about what Evey said about her natural flight instinct when it came to Hale. There was no doubt in her mind that a part of her liked being around him. He made her laugh and he seemed to indulge her unconsciously by taunting her with believing she wouldn’t fight back, but she alw
ays did.

  Whenever she took a step back, it was consciously something she did, not because it was something Hale had directly said. With him, she felt more free with how she was and just tasting freedom sporadically when he was around made her want to let everything go once and for all.

  They played games and finally had partners that understood the ever changing rules.

  Grabbing her phone, she saw that she missed a text from him. She was so caught up on her thoughts she hadn’t realised he texted her right after he sent his last message.

  Hale: They’re to make up for the two days I haven’t been able to see you.

  Lyris was glad Evey wasn’t able to see her because the goofiest grin was playing on her face right now. Hale might’ve been a bit of a mystery, but somehow she felt that with that text, she figured him out a little bit.

  He gave off the vibe of being too confident, but he had a sort of sincerity that she’d been able to see the past couple days. The text might’ve come off as a line, but it was too abrupt to be one of his usual replies and knowing that was enough for her.

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re bashful,” she whispered.

  As she got up, her phone vibrated again.

  Unknown number: Lyris, this is crazy. I need to see you.

  Just like that.

  Just like that any warmth Lyris felt before was flooded with a chill that served as a reminder to why she couldn’t let go. It was no one’s fault but hers because everyone had told her to let Bradley go. Every reason given to her was reasonable – he played mind games, he used her, he might’ve never been in love with her – but whenever she thought she was taking a step forwards, something stopped her.

  Every argument against her and Bradley made sense – in fact, there wasn’t a single argument for her and Bradley. It was all very rational, so why couldn’t she process it? Why couldn’t she come to terms with leaving?