Beautiful Pain

by J. M. Walker

  My mouth snapped shut.

  “I like you. I like this,” she waved a hand between us. “But I don’t like when you shut me out. We’ve been doing so well. Dating like a normal couple. But I still don’t know everything.”

  “I don’t know everything about you,” I said, taking a step towards her.

  “You need to have patience with me,” she said softly, throwing my own words back at me. “I know we both need time but talking is healthy. Look at what you do for a living, Matteo. You get paid to force people to talk.”

  “I don’t force them,” I mumbled.

  “You manipulate your words into making your patients think they have no choice but to talk.”

  I scoffed. “You sound like some of my patients.”

  “At least tell me one thing,” she said gently. “Did you fuck her?”

  “No.”

  She gave a curt nod. “Good.”

  Watching her sleep without touching her, was one of the hardest things I had ever done. The need for Mae drove me fucking insane. It was like a drug addict that could see their fix right in front of them but wasn’t allowed to touch it. The pure white powder, lining the table, making their nose tingle and then…that was it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

  Mae’s back rose and fell. Her breathing deep and even. She slept peacefully. Soundlessly. And I had to fight back the urge to dive back into her beautiful warm body.

  After our fight, when we both had calmed down, I felt like I had shared a piece of my soul with her. My scars. Jagged, rough marks that had been placed on my body so many years before, marred my skin and I couldn’t help but show her.

  She never judged. She never asked what I had done to deserve them. She let out a small gasp and told me to tell her what happened over the past couple of days. But I never did. I couldn’t. She was the reason I kept quiet. She was the reason I held everything in over the years. I was almost forty years old, paid to listen to people’s problems and I couldn’t even open up.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, brushing a hand down Mae’s pale naked back.

  She stirred, wrapping her arm around my waist and snuggled into me. “Sleep, my love,” she said softly.

  Her words. My heart gave a start, wondering what I had done to deserve any kindness from her.

  Heading out into my living room, I waited. For what, I wasn’t sure. It was early. I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia lately had become my best friend, giving me the anxiety that came along with the lack of rest.

  I couldn’t understand this feeling coursing through me. The sense of need to be with her. The ultimate desire to give up all control.

  “You look fucking delicious at my feet.”

  Bile rose to my throat.

  Morgan Weiss was my undoing. She destroyed a piece of me I would never get back. My innocence. And for that, I would hate her until the day I died.

  Laying on the couch, I stretched out. I had things to do but no desire. I should have called Cathy but I didn’t want to talk. To anyone. Not even Mae. She already knew too much. Things I had never revealed to anyone. My father knew but didn’t believe me. Why would he? After my reputation and sweet sadistic desires, I was surely going to hell.

  A warm body crawled onto mine, wrapping around me.

  My eyes fluttered open, landing on Mae.

  She smiled, resting her head against my chest. “What are we doing?”

  “Right now,” I grazed my hand in smooth circles over her upper back. “I am enjoying the feel of your warmth against me.”

  She sighed.

  “What was that for?”

  “For a psychiatrist, you sure hate talking,” she grumbled.

  I did. Talking gave away too much. “I don’t get paid to talk.”

  (Mae)

  “When did you see him last?” Nika asked, taking a sip of her wine.

  “A couple of days ago,” I mumbled, wiping the cloth along the table top. Matteo and I had texted back and forth but that was it. The last time with him was intense. The introduction to his dungeon, even more so.

  When he had told me to bend over the bench, my heart jumped in anticipation. I was ready. Even after all of the hurtful words we had said, I was ready for him to control me. For him to take a piece of myself I had lost so many years ago and mold it into what he had wanted. I found myself needing to give him everything I could. I wanted to please him. But then, nothing happened. I expected him to completely dominate me. To completely take control of that part of me I had been so willing to give him. Instead, he had carried me to his bed, much to my dismay and demanded we sleep. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t understand the reasons for his actions at times.

  “Mae, you’ve wiped the same table for the past five minutes,” Nika pointed out. “Mae,” she barked.

  “I heard you.” I huffed and moved on to the next table.

  “Yeah right you did.” She pointed her fork at me. “Talk to him. You’re driving yourself insane.”

  “I have talked to him.”

  “Texting is not talking. Even though we live in a world where people don’t interact with each other on a face to face basis, you and Matteo need to.” She braced herself. “I love you and I like him for you but…”

  “What?” I raised an eyebrow when her voice trailed off.

  “Something…something is not right.” She shrugged. “All I know is you two need to sit down and talk.”

  “And how do you know that?”

  “I’ve seen the way you are with him. He got you to smile. He got you to laugh—”

  “Nika, I can’t push him.” As much as I liked to try. And I knew he enjoyed it just as much. Every time I challenged him, his domination showed through and that was the part of him I craved.

  “No, but you need to try talking to him. Even if you start with something small like his favorite hobby,” she said, glancing at me.

  Why? It’s not like it’s gonna do anything. Before I could respond, I felt a presence behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck tingled. A flush of heat washed over my skin, warming me from within.

  “Hello, beautiful girl.” The deep sensual voice vibrated through me, wrapped around my heart and squeezed.

  “Hello, Matteo,” I said softly, looking down at my feet.

  Gentle fingers pushed under my chin, tilting my head. Matteo smiled at me, brushing his thumb along my button lip.

  I shivered, a layer of goosebumps spreading on my body.

  “Cello tells me you’re almost done your shift.”

  “I am,” I said, glancing at Cello.

  Cello nodded once and started barking orders in the kitchen.

  “Do you have any plans for this evening, Marketa?” Matteo purred, his tongue peeking out to lick along his bottom lip. The way he said my name, the rough rumble of his voice slid over the word like honey.

  “No, she doesn’t actually.” Nika came up beside me, linking her arm in mine.

  “Well then,” Matteo leaned down to my ear. “Spend the night with me.”

  “Why?” I breathed, inhaling the spicy scent of his cologne.

  “Because we have some making up to do.” He slid his fingers in mine, kissing my knuckles.

  “We need to talk,” I told him, squeezing his hand.

  “We will. But first, the only talking I want you to do is when you scream my name.”

  “Confidant in your abilities, Dr. Santos?” I teased, playing into his little game.

  “I am confident I can make you wet just from my words.”

  “Hmm…it’s been a couple of days. You might have lost your touch.”

  A wicked grin spread on his face. “Nika, what time is Mae done with her shift?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine.

  “Right now,” she answered.

  My head snapped around.

  She blew me a kiss, heading back to the kitchen. “See you tomorrow.”

  “I—” Warm fingers wrapped around my arm, pulling me gently towards the entrance of the restaurant. “
I have to cash out and do the till,” I told Matteo.

  “I got it, Mae,” Cello called out from behind the kitchen window.

  “But—”

  “Go,” Nika ordered, smacking my rear as she walked by me.

  “Tonight, you’re mine, sweet girl,” Matteo said, his voice low so only I could hear.

  I had a feeling he wasn’t kidding. But somehow, I knew I belonged to him before tonight even began.

  “How have you been these past couple of days?” he asked as we left the restaurant.

  “Not too bad.” Truth was, I had missed him terribly. Even when I was with him, I felt like he wasn’t there. But man was he breathtaking. His hair had grown some since I first met him. He brushed the black shaggy locks off his forehead every so often and I found the movement sexy. It gave off an innocent air, like he didn’t know just how good-looking he actually was. His piercing brown eyes bored into mine, seeing deep down into my soul.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t called.” He pulled the passenger door open for me and made his way around the other side.

  “It’s fine,” I said when he slid into the driver seat. “You’ve been busy catching up on work.”

  “Yeah,” he grumbled, his jaw clenching.

  “Matteo.” I place a hand on his arm. “It’s fine.”

  “I shouldn’t have disappeared. I should have called you. I should—”

  “I understand why you didn’t call me.”

  “Do you?” he asked, his head snapping around.

  “Why wouldn’t I? You asked me to be patient, so here I am…being patient.”

  “I want to tell you more. I want to tell you…everything but I can’t,” he said, putting the vehicle into park.

  “You obviously feel guilty you haven’t told me more. So talk to me then,” I insisted, grabbing his hand and held it in my lap.

  His gaze followed the movement. “Don’t…don’t you fucking sit there and tell me to talk when I know you haven’t told me everything.”

  “I…”

  “What?” When I didn’t say anything, he left the SUV and walked around to the front.

  I sighed, slipping out of the vehicle and paused in my tracks. The sun was setting over the city. Matteo had driven us to a private cliff overlooking a small bay of water. It was beautiful. The way the windows on the buildings sparkled. The sun caressed each object like a lover’s touch.

  My stomach somersaulted, an ache forming between my legs.

  “Come here, Marketa,” Matteo demanded, his tone smooth and firm.

  I walked up to him, standing a foot away.

  He leaned against the vehicle, his thick arms crossed under his chest. He watched me. Almost like he was memorizing everything I did. Every move I made. Every word that left my mouth.

  “The woman I saw at Heavy, destroyed a piece of me when I was a kid. I met her when I was eighteen. She was a regular at one of my father’s clubs back home. She’s American and I was fascinated by her. Her looks. Her accent. She was everything I wanted.” He touched my arm gently. “Until now.”

  My heart gave a start. “Who was she?”

  “She was the daughter of one of my father’s associates. She was also older than me but it still was all my fault.” He sat down, dropping his head in his hands. “My fault.”

  Closing the distance between us, I brushed my fingers over his nape.

  “I tried to stop it. I didn’t want her to hurt me but…I knew it was wrong.”

  “But you craved it,” I finished for him.

  Leaning his head against my chest, he wrapped his arms around my waist. “I didn’t want to crave it,” he said so softly, I almost didn’t hear him.

  I should tell him more about my past. Give and take so to speak. That was how people dated right? He tells me a little. I tell him a little. But I didn’t want to see the judgment in his eyes.

  “I was young. Fuck.” His grip on me tightened.

  “Matteo.”

  He rose to his feet, forcing me to take a step back.

  My eyes widened when they locked with his. The vulnerability no longer traveled through him. Standing in front of me was the man I had come to know. The dominant alpha male who could force me to my knees. The sadist who made my masochist roar.

  Matteo

  Being vulnerable was not something I had felt since she controlled me. Since I was forced to my knees, having no choice but to submit to the ultimate wrath of utter defeat. The destiny that was my fate.

  I was fucked, broken, ruined over and over again by ruthless men. All at the hands of Morgan Weiss. She was strong. Where I was weak. She took control. Where I gave into the submission. She was me but she owned domination.

  I knew the subs I fucked. I listened to their whimpers and cries, injecting it into myself like a junkie needing their fix. But as soon as a safeword was said, I stopped. I always stopped. But did she? No. No, she fucking didn’t.

  “Matteo! Matteo stop!”

  A scream. A scream so loud, it vibrated through me. All I could see was her. Laughing. Barking orders. Cracking her whip against my bare ass. And me being the ever so willing victim.

  “Matteo!” Another scream. “Santos! Santos!”

  That voice. Pleading for me to stop. It pulled me from the torture of my thoughts. I blinked a couple of times, finally focusing on Mae trembling beneath me.

  “Wha-what have I done?” I pulled back, stumbled over my feet and fell flat on my ass. Her clothes. Wrinkled from my touch. Her eyes bright with fear.

  “Matteo,” she croaked out, her shaky hand moving up to her throat.

  “I’m…I’m so sorry,” I muttered, my body vibrating. Never in my whole life had I forced myself on someone. Not unless it was planned in advance. But there was always a safeword. Always.

  Warm arms wrapped around me, small soothing whispers caressing my ears.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I don’t…I don’t remember what I did.” I shuddered. “I don’t.”

  “Shhh…” Mae held me tight against her small frame. “You didn’t hurt me.”

  “I didn’t?” I asked, trying to remember what had happened in the last couple of minutes.

  “No, of course not.” She pulled back, brushing a hand through my hair.

  “But…you used your safeword.”

  She sighed, her shoulders slumping. “I only used it because you scared me.”

  My stomach twisted. “Fuck.”

  “But I knew you wouldn’t hurt me.”

  “I—”

  “Look at me,” she demanded.

  A flutter of desire swam through me at the firm command and I did as I was told. For now.

  Her breath caught, our gaze locking. She cleared her throat a couple of times before she continued. “I was scared because…because of your eyes.”

  “My eyes?” I tried to remember, needing to know what had happened to possess me but all I could think about was her. Morgan dug into my skin like a disease and if I wasn’t careful, she would destroy me.

  “I’ve seen you mad. Your eyes go dark when you go all Sadistic on me but this…” She swallowed hard. “I saw pure, raw hatred in them. And you were mumbling a name. Morgan.”

  And there it was. The final straw. The last moment before I completely gave up. Before I gave into the ultimate seduction of submission.

  “Matteo, tell me who she is,” Mae asked softly.

  No jealousy. No judgment. Her eyes warmed, her brows furrowing. “I don’t know what to say.” I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to reveal that piece of myself that had lain dormant for so long.

  “Tell me how you met her,” she suggested, crossing her legs.

  I mirrored her pose, picking at a piece of grass. Sitting on the cool ground reminded me of when I was a child. My father and I would play catch and relax after by laying in the sun. Those times I missed, knowing they would never happen again.

  “I did tell you,” I said, my voice small. So weak. So vulnerable.

  �
��You told me you met her when you were eighteen but not how you met her.”

  I looked at Mae staring at me so intently, I was surprised her retinas didn’t burn through me. “Why do you want to know?”

  God, I was driving myself insane.

  “Because I want to know who’s been hurting you all of these years.”

  Me. I had been hurting myself. Morgan was just an added threat. “Morgan was my favorite disease. I never wanted her but I couldn’t get rid of her even though I tried. She turned me into a monster. She told me I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t care what people thought. Morgan forced these thoughts into my head. Making me think she loved me and wanted to be with me.” I shook my head. “I was so fucking stupid. So young and naïve. God.”

  “You were just a boy,” Mae said gently.

  “I should have known better. I was still an adult. A man. I should have gone to…” I swallowed the rest of that sentence, not wanting to talk about it any longer.

  “Matteo.”

  “Can we please change the subject? Please. I promise to talk. But I need you to give me time.”

  Mae nodded slowly. “Alright.” She grabbed my hands and kissed my knuckles. “These hands have shown me so much gentleness. More than I have felt in such…” Her breath caught. “A long time. I want to repay you.”

  “You don’t have to repay me. I may be sadistic but I know to stop when a safeword is used. I know you’ve wanted me to hurt you since I’ve met you. But I also know you don’t need pain like you think you do.”

  “I want it,” she whispered, looking down.

  “And that’s fine. We’ve embraced that and we will delve deeper but…”

  “What?”

  I took a breath, linking our fingers. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure how to give her what she needed. Could I? Could I satisfy the dark cravings Mae had? My dick lengthened. Yeah. I could.

  “Did you still want to spend the night with me…after…” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t a man of many words but I never had any problems saying what was on my mind. Until now. When it came to sex, I was the Master. But small talk, things that never mattered to me before, were important now and I found myself wanting to please Mae. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to help her find herself again.