Beautiful Pain

by J. M. Walker

  I accepted it, embracing in the warmth of his touch.

  Once we reached his apartment, we entered in silence. He took off his jacket, loosening his tie and unbuttoned the top three buttons of his dress shirt. The muscles moved beneath the fabric, stretching over his bones.

  I moved past him, taking off my dress and headed towards his bedroom.

  He didn’t follow.

  My chest ached, my throat burning. Sliding onto the bed, I pulled the covers up and around me. I didn’t know what had happened between us during the ride home. He always told me to talk to him and when I did, he became disengaged. I loved him. More than anything. He made me feel normal, almost human again.

  But it wouldn’t be enough. I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit it.

  Mae

  Waking up alone during the night, I found Matteo sitting in the leather chair in the dark corner of his room. This time was different than before. No tumbler graced his hand. No casual stance. No. Right now, his fingers dug into the arms of the chair. His back stiff. His eyes smoldering. Something was off. Something was shifting in the air. I could taste it.

  Shadows crossed over him, the moonlight giving him an eerily glow.

  “M-M-…” I stuttered. “Sir?”

  He scratched his jaw, watching me.

  Rising from the bed, I made my way towards him and knelt at his feet. Presenting myself, I placed my hands palms up on my spread thighs. And waited. Physically, I was calm, collected. Mentally, I was all over the place. I was begging, pleading, needing him in every way I could have him. I wanted more but I would have to wait. I knew that. Even though patience was not my strongest forte, I had to try. For him. For us.

  Hands cupped my face, thumbs brushed under my eyes. “Don’t cry over me.”

  I inhaled a shaky breath, now noticing the wetness coating my cheeks. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t want to feel anything except for Matteo. I craved his touch in the worst way possible.

  “Please,” I whispered, looking up at him through tear soaked lashes.

  Matteo tilted my head back, licking along the crease of my mouth. “The only tears I want from you are tears of pleasure and pain.” His fingers ran through my hair, holding my head in place.

  Opening my mouth, I hinted.

  He sucked on my tongue, tugging and pulling. He swallowed my moans and with a gentle hand, he pushed me onto my back. Trailing light kisses down the length of my torso, he licked and sucked at my skin.

  I arched under his touch, silently begging him to go faster but wanting to savor it all just the same.

  Rough hands spread me open, revealing me to him. His mouth moved over my body, biting along the way.

  “Matteo,” I groaned, my skin on fire for him.

  “You want the darkness inside of me,” he said, his voice rough. “You want to know what happens when I see her. I lose my fucking mind,” he growled, sinking his teeth into my hip.

  I yelped, the pain turning into a delicious roar.

  “Rage and violence consumes me and I have to hole myself away for fear of hurting someone.” He blew across my mound, brushing his fingers over the folds of my pussy. “I used to fuck my way out of it. I would let her do whatever she wanted because I didn’t know any better.” He kissed my belly button. “Then I met you. And you destroyed me. I lost myself but…” His hands spread me wider, his fingers digging into my thighs. “Fuck me, you smell delicious.” He shook himself. “I was found again when I fell in love with you. Destroy me more, Marketa. Shatter my fucking soul so all I feel is you.”

  My heart picked up speed, hammering against my rib cage. “Sir,” I breathed out.

  “Destroy me,” he repeated, covering my core in a rough move.

  I gasped, instinctively grabbing a hold of his hair and pulled him harder against me.

  His tongue thrust in and out of me in a fast pace, forcing a cry to escape me. With a wet smack, he released me, rubbing his mouth over my inner thigh. “The taste of you is all I need. Your love is all I crave. Because of you, I will survive this living hell that’s inside of my head. I want to show you all of me. I have to. But I don’t want to lose you when I only just found you.”

  “You won’t lose me, my love, but we both need to let each other in.” I gently caressed the arm holding my leg.

  “We do.” In a quick move, he flipped me onto my stomach. “Spread your legs, pet. You want to feel me? I’ll give you the beast you crave.”

  I swallowed back a whimper, waiting in anticipation of what he had in store for me.

  A warm hand grazed down my back. “Rise to all fours.”

  I did as he demanded, my stomach flipping at the firm command.

  Matteo wrapped a hand around my ankle, clicking a leather cuff firmly in place.

  A chain rattled when I kicked out my foot.

  “Now you’re mine.”

  I didn’t understand what his words meant. I was his. I was always his. But as I thought those words, that was when I saw it. The chain. It was attached to the foot of the bed.

  I was officially his. His words pounded inside of my skull. A flush of desire unfurling deep in my belly. I was his. And that scared me, knowing it made me happy.

  “You wanted the beast.” Matteo lifted me, pulling me back against him. The chain rattled beside us, reminding me that I couldn’t leave until I used my safeword or he unlocked the cuff. “You wanted the part of me that I didn’t want to show. I didn’t want to scare you. But now I crave the fear in your eyes.” He held me against him. “Your pussy is soaked,” he said, inching a hand between my legs. “You like being shackled to my bed.”

  My mouth opened and closed. I had no idea what to say. It scared but excited me.

  “Does it make you nervous not knowing when I’m going to let you go?”

  “Yes, but…but I know I’m safe.” I moved against his fingers, silently begging for more.

  With a strong hand, he wrapped it around my throat, squeezing ever so slightly. “You are always safe. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Good girl. Now bend over. Let me see that sexy little asshole and pretty pussy.” He pushed me forward, shoving my head against the carpet. “So.” A hard swat landed on my rear. “Fucking.” Swat. “Delicious.”

  I cried out.

  He used me for the next hour, reminding me that I belonged to him. His movements became rough, bordering on the violence I craved. The pain, the sweet beautiful agony until all I felt was him, forced me to break. I screamed, shaking through the bone-racking release.

  “That’s it,” Matteo snarled in my ear, pushing me flat on my stomach. “Scream. Louder. Let me hear how much your body needs me.”

  “Oh God. Matteo.” My fingers dug into the carpet, my knuckles going white.

  “Shatter for me.” He linked our hands, demanding the pleasure from my body.

  “Mmm…I’m yours,” I panted. “I’m done, my beautiful sadist.”

  “I’m done too.”

  And I knew at that point we would stop fighting it. The domination. The submission. The tug and pull of our feelings. I loved him. He loved me. That was all we needed.

  “I love you, my beauty,” he whispered, his hot breath washing over my skin.

  “And I love you, my beast.”

  “How do you feel being strapped to my bed?” Matteo asked me sometime during the night.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure.” I kicked my leg out, the chain clinking along with it.

  “Does it make you nervous, pet?”

  “Yes,” I licked my parched lips. “Only because I enjoy it.”

  “Why?”

  I frowned.

  He sat up, pulling my ankle onto his lap. “You wanted my darkness. The beast inside of me.”

  “Let me be your beauty,” I whispered. “Let me be everything you need.”

  “You are everything I need,” he muttered, brushing his thumb back and forth over my ankle. The metal chain sparkled, gli
ttering in the dim moonlight bouncing through the room.

  Being restrained was exhilarating. I felt owned, wanted…needed. This small moment, the use of the thick leather, soft and bound around my ankle. A wall shattered around us. The big beautiful strong man holding me in such a way, I felt fragile but powerful. A woman. Not weak. No longer a victim.

  “Does it make you nervous?” I asked, cupping Matteo’s hand that was wrapped around my bound foot.

  “Yes,” he responded without any hesitation. “I’ve never been a man who wanted to control someone’s life. During sex, yes. I live for it. It’s how I’m wired. How I was fucking forced into it.” His breathing became shallow. “But you came along and submitted to me in ways…” He shook his head. “I find myself needing to control you. I crave it. You asking me for permission outside of sex to do anything. To go through each day waiting for me to tell you what to do. I need you in ways I’ve never needed someone before.” Matteo pushed off the bed, pacing back and forth. “It scares me, how much I need you. This beast inside of me wants to play. Fuck.” He stopped, falling to his knees in front of me.

  “Matteo.”

  “Seeing my leather wrapped around your ankle stirs the darkness inside of me,” he said, ignoring me. “I want to come home and find you on your knees, presenting yourself to me. I want you to be waiting for me.”

  “Sir.” I cupped his cheek. “I want that too. I want all of it. But we need to do it slowly.” The idea of giving him my all was overwhelming. Even as a young girl, when I was forced to give up my innocence, I was never there. I had learned fast how to close myself off. How to go to that happy place, taking me away from the hell that was my life.

  “Slow,” he repeated, testing the word on his tongue. “I can’t do slow.”

  “Yes, you can. You’ve done slow with me because I needed it. I needed to feel all of you. Every single side. I asked for it and you gave it to me.”

  He scoffed. “I did it because I wanted to fuck you.”

  “That is not true.”

  “No?” He shoved to his feet abruptly. “I want to fuck you. Every damn day. Every single hour. I want to lose myself in you.”

  “Matteo.” I wrapped myself around him. “You have me. Every time you need me, I am here. Always. I consent to anything you crave. You know that.”

  He searched my face. “I thought through this I was helping you.” He sat on the bed, pulling me down with him. “But you’ve been helping me instead.”

  “We’ve been helping each other.” I knelt at his feet, the clank of the chain making my heart skip a beat. I lowered my head, admitting true and utter submission. I wanted his control. Not for playing. I wasn’t into BDSM like some people were. I didn’t join the lifestyle on a whim. I was forced into it and now it was my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Shoved into it at the evil hands of monsters, Matteo showed me that the erotic trust shared between two consenting adults was beautiful.

  “Marketa.”

  My breath caught at the deep pain in his voice. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I didn’t know what was going on inside of him. But whatever he was battling, I would be standing right beside him, destroying whatever threatened to hurt him.

  Morgan.

  “Have you seen Morgan?”

  “No,” he bit out.

  “Has she tried contacting you?”

  “Not since the last time.”

  “Is this unusual for her?” My heart sped up.

  “Yes,” he picked up his cell phone. “I guess it is.”

  “What happens if she contacts you?”

  Matteo paused, the vein in his neck straining. “I lose my fucking mind.”

  Mae

  “How’s everything with that dark brooding man of yours?” Nika asked, taking a sip of her wine.

  I smiled, letting out a heartfelt sigh at the mere mention of Matteo. “It’s good.” It was Saturday night and Nika and I were curled up on the couch like old times. It was nice to unwind. “We have things to work through though.” I shrugged, taking a sip of my wine and ignored the scrutiny from my best friend.

  “What’s wrong? Has he hurt you? Do I need to call my…er…Cello?”

  I met her gaze. “Uh…no.”

  Nika nodded, her cheeks reddening. “So tell me. What’s the issue?”

  “I have no idea,” I cried. “I love him. And I know he loves me. We both have shitty pasts. They were so long ago but they’re still controlling us.”

  “Time,” Nika said. “You can’t rush this. Look at what you’ve been through. You were never given the chance to experience a normal teenage hood. You were broken and now a man you trust wants to put you back together.”

  “I am not Humpty-Dumpty. It isn’t that easy.” Although I wished it was.

  “I know. Mae, I have been friends with you since we were kids. Since all of that shit happened. I didn’t know you when you were happy. I didn’t know you at a time when everything was as it should be when a sixteen-year-old girl had her mom to help her figure out where she should go in life.” Nika’s words registered truth. So much truth.

  I was bitter, begging for happiness but broken and utterly destroy at a life that wasn’t my own. “I want my life back,” I whispered, swallowing past the lump burning my throat. “I want me back.”

  “I know, honey.” Nika wrapped her arm around my shoulders, pulling me in for a tight embrace. “Matteo will help you. We all will.”

  “Thank you.” We sat like that for a while, drinking our wine and listening to the sounds of the birds outside.

  A heavy knock banged on our apartment door making us jump.

  Nika and I shared a look before she got up and answered the door. She spoke to our visitor, glancing back at me every so often.

  “Who is it?” I asked just as Matteo entered. My eyes widened, landing on my disheveled boyfriend. His clothes were wrinkled, his tanned cheeks a mottled pink. My heart raced at the intense heat in his dark eyes. “What’s wrong?” I asked, rising to my feet.

  “Bedroom,” he ground out through clenched teeth.

  I made my way to my room, ignoring the questioning look Nika had given me. “Are you okay?” I asked Matteo, leading the way to my bedroom. The tiny hairs on my body tingled, vibrating even more when he didn’t say anything.

  When we reached my room, Matteo leaned against the door, pushing it closed with his foot. His chest rose and fell, his skin dewy and glowing from a light sheen of sweat. He kept his gaze on me, watching. Almost like he was seeing if I would run.

  “You’re scaring me. Please say something.” I clenched my fists at my sides, needing to reach out to him but knowing it was safer not to touch him at this moment.

  “I saw her,” he said roughly.

  My heart jumped. “When?”

  “Tonight. I saw her. I drove home but ended up here instead.”

  Oh dear God. I had told him I wanted to be there when she showed up. I wanted to help him in hopes he would no longer react the way he is acting now. This was it.

  “You wanted to see me after she had her hands on me,” he growled, gripping the collar of his shirt.

  Bile rose to my throat. “She…she touched you?”

  “Morgan.” He threw his head back and laughed. “That whore has fucking touched me for years.”

  I shook my head, taking a step towards him. “Not anymore. You have that control.”

  “I have no fucking control!” he shouted, ripping open his shirt. Buttons flew, bouncing off the wall, my dresser and end table before landing on the ground.

  “You have control now,” I cried, not backing down. “You have a safeword. Red is always the safeword.”

  “Not with her.” He turned around, revealing the open wounds on his back.

  I gasped, my hand fluttering to my mouth.

  “You see this?” he glared at me over his shoulder. “I was punished for falling in love with you.”

  “You need to go to the police.”

  “And
tell them what? That my ex-dominatrix won’t leave me the fuck alone? That she’s a jealous bitch? That she had men rape me because she’s a sick fuck and got off on my forced submission?” He scoffed. “She would ruin me. I would lose my fucking license. What’s worse is that I don’t even care because you are all I need. I realize that now but if I went to the police, I would lose you.”

  “What do you mean? You will never lose me.” I took a step towards him.

  “Mae,” he held up his hands. “Don’t. You don’t want me like this.”

  Ignoring him, I took another step. “Like what?”

  “Like…” he blew out a slow breath. “A monster.”

  “You are not a monster. I need you to tell me what Morgan did to you. How did she get her hands on you? How did she whip you? Tell me. I need to know.” I needed to know for him. So I could help him. So I could help him battle his demons of that evil woman who had destroyed him for years.

  “Mae.”

  “Tell me. No secrets. Please. If we’re going to make this work, we need to reveal everything to each other.” I closed the distance between us, grazing a hand down his hard abs.

  “I want to hurt you,” he leaned down, brushing his mouth along the shell of my ear. “I want to make you scream in agony.”

  I shivered. “I know.” But I wouldn’t give into his beautiful seduction. He needed to know that I stood behind him. No matter what happened, I would be there to support him. “Tell me,” I demanded, keeping my voice firm when I was a raging pile of nerves inside.

  “I stopped off at the office to help Cathy with the paperwork and see a patient. But Morgan showed up. She was there. Fuck, Mae.” He wrapped his thick arms around me, pulling me against him. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  My heart sped up. “W-what did you do?”

  “I,” his body trembled. “I gave in. I couldn’t control it.”

  “Matteo, what does that even mean?” Please don’t say it. Don’t tell me he fucked her. I couldn’t handle it. But the words that came out of Matteo’s mouth next were as bad or maybe even worse.

  “I submitted.”