Beautiful Pain

by J. M. Walker

  Matteo

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I bit out as Morgan stepped into my office.

  “Why I came to see you of course.” She slowly walked around the large room, running her blood red nails over the back of my leather couch. “My beautiful boy.”

  “I’m not yours,” I ground out, clenching my hands into fists at my sides. “I never have been.”

  “Ha. Please,” she scoffed. “You have been mine since the first time I saw you at your father’s club years ago. How long has it been? Twenty years or so?”

  “Way too fucking long,” I muttered. “What do you want, Morgan? You already got everything you can from me. You destroyed me. What more can you take from me?”

  “Oh there is so much more I can take,” she sneered, sauntering towards me. “How about you get on your knees for me, pet?”

  My legs shook but I held strong, forcing myself not to submit to her wrath. “No.”

  “No?” she raised an eyebrow. “You are actually saying no to me. It’s that little slut isn’t it? She has control over you now. Does she dominate you like I do? Does she give you the pain I know you crave?”

  “Stop!” I yelled, gripping my hair. “Stop talking about her. Leave me the fuck alone.” I lost it. Morgan did what she did best. The mind-fucks she pulled on me over the years were enough to drive a sane person mad.

  “Oh, Matteo. My sweet boy.” A wicked grin spread on her face. “I own you. I will always own you. Every time you sleep, you will see me. I am the cold shiver racing down your back right now.”

  “Stop,” I pleaded. “No more.”

  The door opened, revealing two large men. Men I had never met but knew instantly what they wanted. The pure black in their eyes proved there was no one but me that could protect me. No higher power looking down on me, waiting for the right moment to strike.

  “Please,” I whispered, knowing nothing would come of my desperation.

  The men circled me.

  “We’re going to have fun ripping you apart,” the larger of the two growled in my ear.

  My past caught up with me. I felt eighteen again. The first moment I met Morgan. The first time her men broke me. It all came back.

  Morgan was the worst kind of evil. She never laid a finger on me. Although she was the ultimate controller of my nightmares, the men she found, took it upon themselves to make my life a living hell. She didn’t have to give any commands. These man were sadistic, attacking me in the worst way possible. They fucked with my head, giving me the pain my body craved, while Morgan cracked her whip across the already scarred skin on my back.

  I hated her. With everything in me.

  Every slash.

  Every hit.

  Every single thrust.

  I hated her more and more.

  She knew about Marketa. And for that, I paid the price.

  “You’re in love with her and because of that, I will break you.”

  The words were on my tongue to reveal to Mae. To tell her everything. Looking into her gentle eyes, I pleaded with myself to rip open my soul and spill the truth.

  “Marketa,” I whispered, falling to my knees.

  Tears rolled down her cheeks, dripping off of her chin. Soft sobs left her small body, shaking through her shoulders.

  I didn’t understand why she was crying. Did I say some—

  I told her. Everything. But I couldn’t remember. My mind was fuzzy. My muscles sore and tight. “I’m sorry.” Through all of my research, I knew the mind could repress memories out of protection. But I never experienced it until now.

  Both Marketa and I had been broken, beaten down until we were nothing but a bloody boneless corpse. Soulless. Emotionless. No fucking feelings until we met each other.

  “I’m so sorry for what she’s done to you,” Marketa sniffed, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. “Let me take care of you.”

  All I could do was nod as I succumbed to the ultimate defeat. I couldn’t help but wonder what Mae was thinking. But I saw no judgment in her eyes. No pity. Just concern and worry.

  We needed to talk. I actually wanted to. To tell her every single detail of my life. I wanted to tell her about the small things. My hobbies. My father. He had called me recently, frustrating the hell out of me but seeing Morgan made that slip from my mind. She took control. Always ruling over anything else. But I was done. I was man enough to admit my fear. I was terrified that she would find me again.

  “My love.” Mae’s gentle voice pulled me from my thoughts. “Let me help you heal.” She rose to her feet, pulling me along with her.

  We exited the bedroom, heading to the bathroom.

  Mae closed the door behind me, clicking the lock into place.

  I jumped at the sound, scrubbing a shaky hand down my face.

  “See me, Matteo. Only me.” Mae grabbed my hand, leading me to the bathtub. “I am yours. And you are mine. Only mine. No one else owns you. Do you understand me?”

  I swallowed hard, images of Morgan invading my mind.

  “Matteo,” Mae snapped. “Stop thinking of her. She can’t hurt you. Not here.”

  I pulled away. “I’ll see her again.”

  “And you will stand your fucking ground. If her men show up? Defend yourself. Fight them off. Please. For you.”

  “She fucks with my head. I can’t…I can’t control how I react to her.”

  “Yes you can. Remember who you belong to.” She drew a bath before turning back to me. “Strip.”

  That one word, those five letters and the strong command from Marketa set something off inside of me. I complied, taking off the rest of my clothes. I found that I needed Marketa’s control. I needed her to erase the nightmares and replace them with dreams of her. She was my submissive in every sense of the word but she dominated my mind. My heart. My fucking soul. “Control me.”

  Her eyes snapped to mine, a knowing glance passing between us. “Step into the tub, my love.”

  “Yes, pet,” I said, thankful that at that moment, she was willing to take my control from me.

  I stepped into the bath, the hot water making my skin tingle. Lowering myself into the scorching liquid, I let out a hiss when it seeped into my wounds.

  “I’m going to wash your back,” Mae said softly, sitting behind me. “Let me know if the pain gets to be too much.”

  I nodded, bending my knees and leaned forward. Searing hot agony spread over my skin. My cock twitched, lengthening ever so slightly. I didn’t want to enjoy the pain, knowing Morgan was the cause of it years before.

  “Tell me how you first met her.”

  “I did already,” I mumbled.

  “Not everything,” Mae said, running the cloth down my arm. “Tell me what she did to make you submit to her.”

  “She threatened me. She held the fact that I abused her over my head.”

  “But you didn’t. She abused you. Everything she did, everything her men did was against your consent.”

  “But I enjoyed it!” I snapped, punching the side of the tub. White hot pain screamed through my arm. “I enjoyed it,” I repeated.

  “I know. But that’s…” Mae paused. “I guess it doesn’t matter because even if I say it’s not your fault, you will still think it is.”

  “You know me well,” I muttered, leaning my forehead on my bent knees.

  “I do. And you know me well. God, no one knows me like you do. Please let me know you just as much.”

  A lump burned in my throat forcing me to swallow hard. “I’m trying.”

  “I know. But I need you to try harder. She can’t ruin you unless you let her. Please don’t let her.”

  Her words resonated truth, so much truth I had never heard before. Love poured from them, dripping into my heart. “Mae.”

  “Look at me.”

  I turned around, sitting against the other end of the tub. The cool porcelain of the basin pressed against my wounds, reminding me of the pain that I deserved.

  Mae knelt between my legs,
crossing her arms under her full chest. “Look into my eyes and tell me that you don’t love me.”

  “Excuse me?” My gaze shot to hers.

  “Tell me.”

  “What? No. I’m not fucking saying that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it isn’t true.”

  “Exactly,” she cried. “So use that. Use our love and fight her.”

  “I can’t battle shit with just love.”

  She flinched. “Is that what this is? Just love?”

  “Fuck.” Stupid move, Matteo. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

  “Well what did you mean? You are the most dominating man I have ever met. You took control from me the moment I met you. And I allowed you to because I trusted you. But I refuse to watch you beat yourself over something that isn’t your fault.”

  My blood pulsed through me like molten lava. Her words hit something deep inside of me. “Are you threatening me?”

  Mae shrugged, rising to her feet. “Maybe I am.” She stepped out of the tub, grabbing a towel from the rack.

  “I don’t take kindly to threats, little girl,” I snarled, reaching her before she had a chance to leave the bathroom.

  Mae pushed me, standing her ground and glared up at me.

  My body vibrated. Oh this was going to be fucking good. Leaning my head from side to side, the tendons in my neck cracked. A sharp shiver of pain rippled down my spine. “Push me again.” My voice. It was deep and rough to the point I didn’t even recognize it.

  Mae pursed her lips, clenching her hands into fists at her sides. “Stop this. Right now.”

  “Push me,” I demanded, stepping towards her.

  “Matteo,” she cried, “Stop. Whatever you are trying to do, stop.”

  “You’re words don’t mean shit when I know you want me to keep going.”

  “Yeah well,” she lifted her chin defiantly. “You can’t keep going if I use my safeword, now can you?”

  At that point I saw red and before I knew it, my hand was in her hair, pulling her away from the door.

  She yelped, gripping my wrist.

  My hold only tightened as I forced her out into the hall. Not caring in the least if Nika saw us, I pushed Mae again. She stumbled, falling to her knees. Without me having to ask, she crawled to her bedroom. Once we entered the room, I slammed the door closed.

  “Matteo, please. I’m sorry. You can’t—”

  “Shut the fuck up. You have no idea what I can and can’t do. You told me I can’t let Morgan and her bastards control me anymore. Well I’m not going to let you try either. I am too old for this shit. You either want to be with me or you don’t. But don’t you dare threaten to leave me or use your safeword. I am done.”

  “I’m trying to help you,” she insisted.

  “Every woman in my life has wanted something from me. What makes you any different?” I fisted her ponytail in my hand, forcing her to crawl at my side.

  “I love you,” she whimpered.

  “Love,” I repeated, testing the word on my tongue. “You made me fall in love with you.”

  “You made me fall in love with you, Matteo. Why are you making this sound like a bad thing?”

  I paused. Why was I? Morgan. She did this to me. She made me question everything.

  “Please,” Mae pleaded. “I love you. And I…”

  “What?”

  She pulled her hair free from my grip, turning towards me. “I want to spend my life with you.”

  It felt like someone had punched me in the gut, forcing the air to leave my lungs on a ragged breath. Falling to my knees, I leaned forward onto my knuckles. “Why?”

  “Because,” Mae brushed my bangs out of my eyes. “I love you.”

  I glanced up at her. “But is that enough?”

  Mae

  Matteo’s question hurt. But it made sense. His mom and dad had loved each other. She died and he became a sadistic bastard. Love could heal but it could also destroy. Matteo was scared. Hell, these feelings rushing through me, terrified even me.

  “We can make it be enough,” I said softly, brushing my fingers through Matteo’s shaggy hair.

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

  “I know.”

  “Thank you for cleaning my wounds.” He stood up, pulling me to my feet along with him.

  “You’re welcome.”

  We stood there, staring at each other. No words. No physical contact. But I could almost hear what he was thinking.

  “I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m a monster. It’s my fault. All my fault.”

  His eyes flashed, roaming down the length of my naked body.

  My heart jumped. Thinking he was going to take this further, I was surprised when he left my bedroom. Not having any shame in his glorious nakedness, he headed to the bathroom and came back a moment later with his pants on.

  Disappointment fluttered through me but I knew we needed to talk. So much talking. So many heavy words that weighed down our feelings.

  “Sir?” My stomach rolled unexpectedly, bile rising to my throat.

  “Mae, are you okay?” Matteo rushed towards me, pinching my chin.

  “I…” I swallowed excessively, breathing through the sudden nausea.

  “My beautiful girl, you’re pale.”

  “Oh God.” Whatever was in my stomach wanted out. I ran to the bathroom, falling at the foot of the toilet and emptied the contents into the cool basin. A sheen of sweat coated my skin, my muscles shaking as I threw up violently. I groaned, gripping my lower abdomen.

  A white shirt was wrapped around my shoulders, hiding my nudity. “Are you okay?” Matteo asked, running a washcloth over my forehead.

  I nodded. “Yes.” Sitting against the wall, I let out a sigh when the nausea finally passed. “Sorry about that.”

  Matteo sat beside me, holding my hand between us. “Don’t be sorry.”

  I leaned my head against his shoulder, pulling the shirt that was covering my body, tighter around me.

  “My father called me.”

  “What did he want?” I asked, curling my feet under me.

  “He wants to meet up and for you to come with me.”

  My head whipped around.

  Matteo kept his gaze on our joined hands, his jaw clenching. “This isn’t an excuse but between dealing with my dad and seeing Morgan and—”

  “Matteo, I understand. I shouldn’t have threatened you. That’s not fair and I’m sorry for that.” I smiled at him in reassurance.

  “Will you meet my dad with me? You’ll keep me calm.”

  “Of course.”

  Matteo brushed his thumb along my mouth, his eyes following the movement.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered.

  “I’m burning your smiles into my mind.”

  “My smiles are only because of you,” I said, leaning towards him.

  “Are they now?” His eyes twinkled.

  “Yes.”

  He grinned. “Fuck I love you.”

  I giggled, shaking my head.

  “Do you feel better?” he asked, watching me.

  My cheeks heated. “Yes,” I answered, slowly pushing to my feet. I got dressed and brushed my teeth, wondering where the hell the nausea had come from.

  Matteo stepped up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist and ran his hand over my lower belly.

  A small shiver of fear raced through me. “Matteo, what are you doing?”

  “Just thinking,” he said, glancing longingly at my stomach.

  “About what?”

  “What it would be like to fuck a baby into you.” And with that, he kissed my cheek and left the bathroom.

  I stared after him. What the hell? I was in the Twilight Zone because that exchange right there, I was not expecting at all.

  But…I rubbed my stomach. Between the nausea and the light headedness I had been feeling, it started to make sense.

  I counted on my fingers.

  Oh God.

  I counted
again. And again.

  One week. Two weeks. Three. Four. Five. Six.

  The hairs on the back of my neck tingled. I glanced up, catching Matteo staring at me in the mirror. I wondered how long he had been standing there but when a slow grin spread on his face, I knew that he had been there all along.

  Mae

  A baby. It wasn’t a for sure thing that I was in fact pregnant but everything told me that I was. The symptoms, the fact that my period was late, it all made perfect sense. But maybe it was due to stress. If I was carrying Matteo’s baby, would he even want it?

  Of course he would want it. It’s our baby. And he loved me. Even though we had so much shit to work through, a baby could help…or make things worse. God, what was I even thinking? To be happy that I was carrying his baby when I didn’t even know if I was or not. I was losing my ever loving mind.

  I couldn’t control these thoughts racing through me. What if’s bouncing around in my mind like tennis balls.

  Heading out into the hall, I overheard soft voices talking. Matteo and Nika were chatting. My heart swelled, needing them to get along. I loved them both and couldn’t imagine not having either of them in my life.

  “Hey, honey,” Nika said, greeting me with a warm smile. “Matteo and I were just talking about you.”

  “Oh?” I raised an eyebrow, glancing between them both. “Good things I hope,” I teased, locking eyes with Matteo.

  We hadn’t talked since our moment in the bathroom. But he knew. We both knew. The warmth soaring into my body and spreading over my skin made me realize that this was the comfort I had needed. It filled the emptiness I had been left with since my mom died.

  But what if I wasn’t pregnant? What if it was all a fantasy? A dream my mind had conjured up, tricking my body into thinking it was carrying a life.

  “Mae?” Nika said, pulling me from my thoughts. “Are you alright?”

  “Yes.” I nodded.

  She frowned, looking back and forth between Matteo and I. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.” Matteo crossed an ankle over the opposite knee, a small smirk spreading on his rugged face.

  My heart skipped a beat at the intense heat in his eyes. I wondered how long I would react to him like this. Would it always be like the first time? Sitting at Cello’s diner, Matteo’s smoldering gaze staring at me. It had been intense then. But now, it made my insides melt every single time he looked at me. I wanted that. Forever.