Two Lives

by A. Yi

  Climax

  16

  So things went. The Affiliated Primary School of the Normal College once discussed holding a memorial service. One teacher said a memorial service didn’t sound good; they should call it a remembrance service. Another teacher said that didn’t sound good either. Someone from the principal’s office went to Ba Like’s woman, delicately told her the idea, Woman stood numbly for a long time, gently shook her head, said: Not really dead, not really alive.

  Not really dead, not really alive, better dead. Dead would mean a clear conclusion like ‘on the first time the spirit was boosted, the second it declined, the third was exhausted’, reason lost. Like many days later you know you were cursed by someone, want to settle accounts, but the reason is lost. Woman put on gloves, stepped one foot firmly on the pedal, pushed the bike, and trotted a few steps, another foot flew over the seat and straddled it. She started to go to work.

  So things went. People automatically counted missing people as dead people, automatically counted Ba Like’s woman as a widow, automatically counted Ba Like’s mother as a white-haired person seeing off a black-haired person, thought no human sorrow could match this. A family with the surname Ba was now left with two women with other surnames. People found many opportunities to express their condolences.

  February 6, 2008, Lunar New Year’s Eve: first a bunch of people from the school came in carrying gifts big and small, covered the sofa, then neighbors came in carrying wrapped dumplings, covered the room.

  – Please go, Ba Like’s mother said.

  But everyone had no intention of going.

  – Then eat the peanuts I fried.

  Ba Like’s woman scooped handful after handful for them. In the room at that moment were the passionate voices of Zhu Jun and Zhou Tao. In the kitchen was the sizzling sound of dumplings being fried. Outside the window was the sound of fireworks shooting up into the sky. In the distance was the sound of the huge clock striking. Amid these sounds was the sound of a key being inserted into the door and turned. People didn’t notice it. Then a white-bearded, white-haired, sunken-eyed, worn-faced, bony old man, supported by a walking stick, stooped over like a baby shrimp, drifted in. Under the gaze of stunned eyes, he dropped a greasy bag, walked to the tea table, kneeled down, grabbed peanuts and candies with dirty hands. He chewed the candy paper too, spit out peanut shells. Strong bad breath wafted out of his mouth, a pair of greasy track pants trailing.

  Ba Like’s woman fainted right away. Ba Like’s mother picked up the walking stick, cried as she prodded him, prodded three or four times and said, teeth clenched: See if I don’t break your dog legs. The crowd, as if suddenly seeing a secret that shouldn’t be seen, got awkward, all rushing to help Ba Like’s woman. They pressed above her lip, the flesh between her thumb and forefinger. Then Ba Like’s woman, like a baby being born, cried out. People said: Good he’s back, good he’s back. But took a few steps to sneak away. They walked in the wind, walked in the snow, as if tricked, unable to laugh or cry. They sent texts to people they knew: Mister Ba is back.

  – Back?

  – Back!

  17

  Where exactly did Mister Ba go? This question remained unanswered. At first people thought the shame to speak it out had to do with an old man’s dignity, after a sensitive period he would say it himself, but he just remained silent. Later people believed the secret was at least known to Woman, but Woman said: I said if you don’t tell me, I’ll die. Guess what he did? He rolled his eyes.

  He rolled his eyes, looked at Woman like a stranger, as if he’d lived for a long time in a wolf’s den, his heart gone wild. So began an invisible war. People (including his woman and mother) tried to seize that secret, but Ba Like, seeing it as a height from which he could not retreat further, defended it firmly, guarded it with his life. Sometimes walking on the street, even when people didn’t talk, he would say, annoyed: Don’t ask, what’s there to ask?

  – Mister Ba, you should at least give an explanation to the search-and-rescue team members who fell crippled or were struck dead, right? Not that I’m gossiping, the police station even filed a case.

  Bold neighbors pointed behind his back. Ba Like stood still for a moment, angrily walked away.

  The consequence of the deadlock was that Ba Like became a lonely soul, people (including his woman and mother) believed he had broken the basic trust between them. But Ba Like seemed to be happy to take on this identity. No need to go to school, he started combing his white hair, put on clean, neat clothes and leather shoes, wandered around the city like a gentleman. People said he liked standing outside the glass window of the hair and beauty salon, hands fiddling with his loose hair. This story increased Woman’s suspicion, because although Ba Like still hadn’t touched the six bankbooks or the four bank cards, the school pension no longer came. Ba Like had it withheld.

  – What are you doing with the money? Woman asked.

  – Is it your business?

  – Of course it’s my business, Mom is your mom, not mine. You don’t support her, so I support her?

  – Haven’t you saved up seventy or eighty thousand?

  Though long used to such a cold voice and cold tone, Woman still couldn’t bear it. Tears pouring down, she didn’t speak and like years before walked angrily to the bedroom to pack up, ready to leave. She packed for 10 or so minutes, packed nothing more than the evidence of the thirty-year life together, bits and pieces of it appearing before her eyes, and again she started sobbing. Ahead was the uncontrollably dark night. She wasn’t young anymore, even the ‘divorce’ countermove had long vanished. Thinking of this, the word death flashed in her mind. She thought it was okay to die. Then Ba Like went in, dug out a pile of RMB from his briefcase, said: Count. Suddenly Woman, from the middle of the sea, grabbed the edge of a boat, licked her finger and counted one by one, counted and did a sum in her head. Not a cent was missing.

  – I called the school, will send it to you from now on, Ba Like said.

  – I’ll leave you some, come, here.

  Woman drew out three hundred-yuan notes, gave them to him. He hesitated, reached a hand, took them. Later Woman blamed herself for being generous, but back then being generous seemed to be the only way. Ba Like stood in front of her like a sad, bankrupt man; that money had been earned by him.

  After Ba Like walked a hundred meters, Woman quietly followed. Ba Like didn’t walk as briskly as when he was fit, Woman walked and got closer, even had to force herself to slow down. Ba Like looked straight ahead, past the bank, supermarket, telecom office; past the sidewalk, crosswalk, tactile paving; past the movie theater, restaurant, bathhouse; past the Chinese chess stall, Yangge group, busking spot; past the hair and beauty salon. At the entrance of the hair and beauty salon sat a prostitute wearing platform shoes and pig-blood-red lipstick. She crossed her white legs, squeezed her arms hard, squeezing out cleavage, deliberately or undeliberately said, Wanna play? Ba Like looked straight ahead, walked past, then about one kilometer ahead, turned, went back along the previous route, looking straight ahead, past the hair and beauty salon, busking spot, restaurant, and supermarket and walked back home.

  The eighth time Woman followed, she lost interest. She didn’t catch up but went to the Agricultural Bank and waited in line. About an hour later it was her turn, she inserted the bankbook in, said: Today is the 15th, I wonder if my salary was sent to my account. The teller put the bankbook into the printing machine. After it came out, it showed Ba Like’s pension for the month was paid, not a cent less. Life is like that, people can become hard to believe, money cannot.

  18

  On July 15, 2008, many old people went to the bank to wait in line to see if their salary had been paid. Ba Like, as usual, walked on the street, walked on with no destination.

  When he walked to an intersection, he waited patiently for the red light to turn green. It was still early, about three or four in the
afternoon. A sprinkler truck came sliding like a crab, sprinkled water on bicycle tires. Ba Like moved back up the stairs, watched it slide to the right. The green light was already flickering, but he was in no hurry. After crossing the intersection, he squatted on the stairs outside the department store, watching people play chess. There were the two same old heads, which got together to play mysterious games like kids. He watched a moment, walked away, then stopped at the entrance of a hotel. In the open area of the parking lot outside the entrance, a bunch of servers in Song dynasty costume stood straight in three rows. The manager in a suit called out: Welcome. They called out: Welcome. Then bowed together. The manager called out again: Please come back soon. They called out: Please come back soon. Then bowed together. Faces serious.

  Walking to a newsstand, he picked up an evening paper, leafed through it, through four or five pages. A head poked out from the inside: Buy? He gave the paper a shake, put it back, like it wasn’t worth buying. Walking to a home appliance store, he saw twenty-odd color TV sets stacked up like boxes. Each TV set was playing the scene of Fan Wei limping away. Thanks. People watching nearby all laughed, Ba Like let his two arms hang, numbly watching. By the time a wall of TV sets turned to snowflakes at the same time, he was still standing there alone as if waiting for something. He took a look at his watch, finally went to walk again.

  He looked straight ahead, past the hair and beauty salon. As he passed, a prostitute wearing platform shoes and pig-blood-red lipstick crossed her white legs, squeezed her arms hard, squeezed out cleavage, disdainfully said: Want to play? He looked straight ahead, walked past. Ten minutes later he walked back. The prostitute crossed her legs again, then rose, pulled the chair. The cleavage, like it had two eyes, blinked at him. He was like any other newcomer, palms sweating, looking inside in surrender. Inside sat five or six similar prostitutes, they dug toward the entrance like piglets. Blond, green, purple false eyelashes fluttered together as if saying: Come eat me, come eat me. They reached out their hands to grab Ba Like’s stiff arms, pulled him in.

  He pointed at the woman smoking by herself in the far end. She hadn’t looked out at all. There were oohs and ahs around. He blushed. The woman flicked her cigarette ash into an ashtray, turned – a numb oval face, crow’s-feet, and wrinkles had left their marks. She sat but seemed to look down at Ba Like.

  – Me?

  She gave a smile, her teeth weren’t white. The smile suddenly, very impolitely stopped. Ba Like evaded her gaze, nodded quickly. She stood up, brushed her black miniskirt, grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the dressing table, stuffed it into her bag, then said: Let’s go. Ba Like was like a donkey, head bowed as he followed her.

  19

  – How old are you now?

  Walking to an empty alley, Ba Like’s heartbeat steadied a bit as he spoke. The heels clanking ahead stopped, then started clanking again.

  – Twenty-five.

  – Where are you from?

  – Sichuan.

  – Where in Sichuan?

  – You guys always do these pointless things.

  Ba Like felt embarrassed, after a moment he went on: I don’t think you look like you’re from Sichuan.

  – You tell me, boss. Say where I’m from, and I’m from there.

  – I think you’re from Jiangxi.

  The footsteps ahead stopped, then started again.

  – Where in Jiangxi? You guess.

  – Ruichang County.

  Girl turned, looked Ba Like up and down, eyes showing vicious scorn. Then the scornful glow became resentful fury.

  – Sorry, no business today.

  – Girl, you misunderstood, I didn’t come for that.

  – Then what’d you come for?

  – I just want to talk with you.

  – You’re pretty old, don’t be like those college students. Aren’t you going to tell me to get married soon, go get a decent job? And tell me you love me, will wait for me?

  Ba Like was extremely embarrassed. The moment Girl turned to walk off by herself, his tears suddenly came in a trickle. Girl never saw a man that old with snot hanging on the tip of the nose, gave him a few sidelong glances, then stopped.

  – All right, whatever you want to say, say it.

  – Let me buy you a meal.

  Girl didn’t respond.

  – Let me buy you a meal.

  Girl bit her lips, gave it a thought, looked around the alley, said: All right, all right, that donkey burger shop then.

  20

  They walked into the narrow donkey burger shop. The table was greasy. The shopkeeper, in a dirty apron, eyed them suspiciously. Ba Like tried to clear up the obvious misunderstanding, but Girl wore her professional expression, looking at Ba Like coldly and disdainfully. The shopkeeper walked away with a fake smile.

  – I know who you are, Girl said. Took out a cigarette from her bag, sharply clicked the lighter, focused on the first smoke ring. Before that Ba Like had been an emotional lion, now it seemed unnecessary to hide. He moved his lips, ready to speak.

  – Go on. Girl flicked the cigarette ash to the ground, eyes looking directly at him.

  – The journey back here from there was 1,350 kilometers in total, past 25 cities in total. Before Spring Festival there were no vegetables in the vegetable fields by the roads, only frozen soil, but a lot of people were getting married. I had one wedding meal in each city. I’d walk straight into the hotel, pretending to have business.

  – The Spring Festival Gala had been performed. The husband’s side thought I was the guest from the wife’s side, the wife’s side thought I was the guest from the husband’s side, slipping in an empty red envelope was enough.

  – I didn’t do that, I went in pretending to have business. I didn’t know where to settle down, so I went to the bathroom, washed my face, came out refreshed, knew which table had single guests, sat there, ate, ate everything. The bride and groom came to toast, I went to the bathroom again. I burped in the bathroom, and tears came down.

  – Why?

  – Because I didn’t know anyone.

  – Go on.

  – I ate, thinking there wouldn’t be a next meal, but I had a meal in each city. At first it went well, then my clothes got stinky, a waiter reached out a white glove to stop me. I said I had business, they said what business. I couldn’t say, so they kicked me out. But northerners seemed kinder than southerners. The bums went to the entrance of the wedding banquet rattling clappers, singing, singing until people inside came out, poured leftover fish in their plastic bags. I followed behind them, they said: Not one of us. But those women still poured me a portion. I got it and ran.

  – Eat some. Girl’s head leaned back slightly, keeping the pressure on Ba Like.

  – I’m not hungry. When I didn’t have enough I went digging in trash cans, at first I knew it stunk. Later I didn’t know. When my body was still clean, I got up the railway embankment from far away, walked toward the train station, walked to the platform. I couldn’t get on the express train, the express train has people punching tickets at the doors. I followed a bunch of migrant workers squeezing on the slow train. I always thought I could ride for a few stations, but they always spotted me quickly, pushed me off the train at the next station. As it got closer and closer to here, fewer and fewer migrant workers got on the train, I couldn’t squeeze in. I could only walk along the railway. I saw there were stones, lunch boxes, crap, and dead babies on the rails.

  Girl put out a half-smoked cigarette, yawned.

  – You never went through a time when you didn’t have a single cent, huh? Ba Like asked fawningly. Girl shook her head. At that moment a young couple walked into the small shop. The man was tall, gripping a BMW key in his hand, the woman was pretty, an expensive necklace around her white, tender neck. Both faces took on the gladness of upper-class people who visit for adventure. Girl, sitting in front o
f Ba Like, had already shifted her gaze to the food, but couldn’t help but steal a glance at the wife. The glance spotted the hard-to-see scar behind her ear. Girl sneered quietly.

  – Go on, she said.

  – I spent nearly three months coming back here, but only one day and one night going there. I rode the cheapest, slowest train, only spent one day and one night. I transferred to a minibus, and only spent an afternoon. One day, one night, and one afternoon I was there.

  21

  – I could have gone there earlier.

  Ba Like looked at Girl desperately, Girl was looking up at the lizard crawling on the ceiling. They didn’t talk, the lizard didn’t make a sound crawling on the ceiling. Ba Like picked up the seaweed egg soup, took a slurp, the sound was loud. Girl heard it, sat up straight and said: Right, why didn’t you go earlier?

  – Saying it out loud feels a little better.

  – Go on, I’m listening.

  – I could have gone there earlier but postponed it for 32 years.

  – Why postpone it?

  – Because there was a portrait at home. I saw the face on the portrait was handsome, elegant, with good features. But I heard mother say, when the corpse was carried back, the head was cracked, blood kept dripping, dripping all the way home, followed all the way home by ants. If I came home a little late from work, my mother would sit there silent, sulk. I said why? She pointed at the portrait, said, If you want to go, it’s okay, see your dad before you go. So I sat with her through that dark time like sitting in a bottomless well, sitting for 32 years.

  – Go on.

  – If I had left, my father would have jumped for nothing. He jumped, I shouldn’t have gone back to the city, I ended up going back to the city.

  – Should have, shouldn’t have, I’ve been hearing this since I was little, hearing every day, tired of hearing it.