Two Lives

by A. Yi

  Ba Like suddenly felt upset, blew his nose, went on: My mother said to me, pinch my leg, it’s worse every day, if you go, I’ll have no one to rely on, will have to crawl on the street, beg for food. Other people walk with legs, several inches each step, I’d walk with my belly, I’d get run over by a car and die. Later, as if to make the prison solid, her legs were completely ruined. Eventually the walking stick couldn’t support her. She said you can’t look after me on your own, you have to have a woman, so I got a woman. It was like I knew nothing. Out of the blue I got a slip of paper telling me to go to the park, so I went to the park.

  – Twenty yuan total. The shopkeeper, seeing Girl crook her finger, came to collect the money.

  – Let me let me, Ba Like said quickly. The owner glanced at him, thought of course he should pay, so gave the money back to Girl. Girl didn’t speak. Ba Like handed over a hundred-yuan bill, said, Add a pot of tea, dessert or something.

  – I’m not leaving, Girl said.

  – Good. In the park I met the woman covered in the smell of face cream, my future wife. I rushed to agree, but what would I have done if I didn’t agree? The fundamental issue was the portrait, the woman was just another factor. Since I couldn’t break away from my father, marrying a woman I didn’t like was only natural. If I didn’t marry this one, then I’d have to marry that one. . .either way I had to marry. On the wedding day my face was pale, was very ill. Everyone looked like they had gotten married, faces rosy, colored paper stuck in their hair. They thought there couldn’t be a better-matched couple, they threw me on the bed like throwing a bound animal. They closed the door hard, then locked it from the outside. They giggled outside. I looked at my woman, smiled awkwardly, let her hand stroke my head, felt like a child being held by a strange woman, like a person jumping into water to commit suicide, step by step walking into a deep lake, drowning.

  – And then?

  Girl played with a new Nokia, the couple nearby looked curiously in their direction.

  – Later I became an amateur mountaineer. When the teachers from the school first invited me, I didn’t say yes. Then they came where I lived to invite me, I still didn’t say yes. My mom and wife said, Go, remember to be back at eight for dinner. Colleagues took me to the mountain like escorts. My feet were free the moment they stepped out of the house, I could feel their lightness and joy. But when I had almost arrived, I became desperate again, because I saw clearly that after arriving I still had to go back, obediently go back to that forty-square-meter prison.

  Girl put down the phone, arms folded, looking at him.

  – The fresh air was false, the lush trees were false, the murmuring brooks were also false. They weren’t air, trees, or brooks, they were a steel fence. I sat on the mountain, around me was just the steel fence. I thought I was close to some kind of miracle, in fact I’d just fooled myself. I was just allowed out for some air. I was out for some air, but the thick rope and thick shackles were still on my body. However far I walked, I walked in vain, my mother just needed to pull gently, and I had to obediently go back.

  – Chen Shimei would say the same, Girl teased.

  – Right, Chen Shimei would say the same, Chen Shimei would find excuses.

  – Why did you go there in the end?

  – Because I heard Bach on the mountain.

  – Bach?

  – Right, Johann Sebastian Bach, the father of western music.

  – Right, I think I remember, that person always taught me, said this Bach was ignored until long after his death, later honored as the father.

  – Right. If it weren’t for a young man named Casals who bought a new cello and wanted to practice, and went to all the music stores looking for scores, his great Suites for Solo Cello would have lain dormant forever.

  Ba Like paused, said: I remembered I was also named Casals, but lived here a full 32 years.

  He went on: When I went back to the city to take my father’s place, people from the education department asked me, Do you know the Songs of Chu? How much do you know about functions? Know any foreign languages? How about parameciums? I shook my head, sweat broke out on my forehead. They said, All right, go teach physical education. I should have told them, I know Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, and Bach, but I got nervous for a moment, and became a PE teacher for 32 years.

  From outside came the sound of the BMW starting up. Girl turned her head. When the luxurious silver car slid by, Girl showed an overwhelmed look. She was jealous.

  22

  – You said you heard Bach on the mountain. Girl said, turning her head back.

  – Right, heard it the last time I climbed the mountain, which was also the first time I climbed the mountain alone. Because the colleague I had an appointment with was sick. I got on the bus alone, watched the darkness slowly disperse like molecules, the gradually arriving light pierce through one parasol tree after another, pour on the paved road. Suddenly I sensed a greater freedom than before. I got off the bus, stretched out my arms, the soles of my feet felt the stones and the heat of the ground. I walked alone toward the mountain, without a destination, without worry, just walked up foolishly. Arriving at Mount Heshang, I suddenly shivered. I turned off my mobile phone. I thought I should have one day like that, nobody knowing me, nobody able to find me, just enjoying this world quietly and alone.

  – And then?

  – Then I cut through brambles, full of spirit, walked to Mount Qingshan’s main peak 1,841 meters above the sea level. Before then all my companions said that was an impossible thing, but with just one look I pointed out the weak point of the mountain and easily cut a path through with the machete. At the end there was a grassy slope, over the grassy slope there were four paths to the east, south, west, and north, I simply took the one to the east, climbed a hundred meters, got to the main peak. There the unimpeded wind blew over, blew through my T-shirt. Clean air pushed into my lungs as if giving my internal organs a bath. I looked at the usually terrifying mountains standing shoulder to shoulder, nestled together, and shouted: Huimin.

  Girl was suddenly startled.

  – After I shouted, the name started to travel across the mountains, as if it could travel to Bazhou, Huangchuan, Macheng, travel all the way to Jiangxi Province. But then I saw clearly that it hit a mountain not far off, was extinguished. I sat there, disappointed and unspeakably sad. I thought I couldn’t get there. But as I sat dully, packing up, ready to go home, suddenly a wind came. Red leaves, grass and branches all over the mountains started to dance like waves of wheat rolling past. I stood up, immediately heard the poem I would never hear again in my life: Suites for Solo Cello by Bach. My ears were filled with the sound of feng-feng-feng, feng-feng-feng.

  Girl stared at Ba Like. Ba Like gestured rapturously.

  – I leaned against a tree, tears covering my face, heard the sound of cello all over the mountains. The sound of cello passed through me like tides layer upon layer, then left layer upon layer, until they were completely gone. As if they never came. I felt alone. I stood on the mountain alone. I started to feel restless, I didn’t, as it says in the textbooks, gain a pure heart, become broadminded and generous ever after. I started to feel restless, walked back and forth like a lion. I shouted: Fuck you. Fuck you, Father. Fuck you, Mother. Fuck you, Woman who divorced but still lives with me. Fuck you.

  – Are you all right? Girl said holding the teacup.

  – I cursed enough, released enough, leaned against the tree, gasping, then laughed out loud. I didn’t know why I was so happy, so free of hatred. I walked down the mountain according to my own will, walked to a grassy slope, put together a haystack, ate a few wild hawthorn berries, took a dump, then took out paper and pen, left a slip on the haystack saying I got lost here, would stay for one night and tomorrow go down the mountain along the path to the north. But.

  – But what? Girl saw Ba Like chuckle at her.

  �
�� But I walked south, that was the way I had taken climbing up the mountain. I took out a piece of blank letter paper, tore it in slips. I put the slips at the entrance to the grassy slope and on the branches by the path, telling them I went north, but I went south. I disappeared under their noses, I disappeared, I once thought there was no hope at all, but that day I found the wings to fly. I flew away, used a just excuse to fly away from their prison.

  – So you went to the south?

  – Yes, I walked eagerly down Mount Qingshan, down Mount Heshang. At the bottom of the mountain, I saw there were villagers in the distance, so retreated to the woods, headed west. I went across invisible rivers, passed the line of sight of the village, walked to a distant road, waited for a bus there. When the number 216 bus came, I turned, squatted down, told myself not to make mistakes. I got on another bus, then transferred to another bus in the city, rode it back home. Of course I didn’t go home, I walked to a building under construction, walked to the third floor, tore open a cement sack, threw out the broken bricks, dug out a plastic bag inside. Inside the plastic bag was a Rural-Urban Bank card, I took the card to an ATM, withdrew the seven-hundred-yuan paper-grading fee. I took the seven hundred yuan, took a taxi to the train station, bought a train ticket to your Jiangxi, your Ruichang. I remember I was the first to go through the ticket check. I walked fast to the car, found a seat, sat down. I saw some people silently get on, dragging luggage, silently stuff the luggage into the luggage rack, then silently get off the train to smoke. I wondered why it still hadn’t left, why it still hadn’t left, so I turned on the phone to check the time, saw it was 7 p.m., November 3, 2017. I figured the train would leave in 10 minutes, but it might be late. I nervously looked out the window, looked at people running on the platform, as if they were coming for me, coming to catch me. I was afraid they were being followed by a white-haired woman and a freckled woman. I was afraid. When the conductor rudely closed the train door, I felt at ease. I thought you might as well be a bit ruder. As I listened curiously to the Henan dialect, Shandong dialect, Hubei dialect, the conductor’s odd Mandarin, and your Jiangxi dialect in the car, warmth grew in my body layer upon layer. I thought I was a traveler, a traveler after all. My traveler’s heart jumped like a young man’s, like a young man, I almost stood up, shouting: Huimin, I’m coming.

  The words suddenly stopped. Like the crest of a wave pausing midair. After a long while, Girl flicked the long cigarette ash onto the plate. She looked at Ba Like, Ba Like was sitting sadly.

  – You came, you only spent one day, one night, and one afternoon. But that Huimin was dead, Girl said mercilessly.

  23

  – Why don’t I speak for you now, Girl said.

  Ba Like lifted his eyes, looked at her pleadingly, like a dog shut outside, anticipating, afraid the club will fall again. But horrible truth came out of Girl’s mouth once again.

  – Let me speak, You came gloriously to our Jiangxi Province, Ruichang County, Leshan Tree Farm, Guangming Village. Look, this is my ID, Guangming Village. You came to Guangming Village, only saw a grave, didn’t you? The characters on the grave were carved wrong, weren’t they? Hui as in Anhui was carved like wei as in weixiao.

  – Right, right.

  – We peasants can’t read, it’s normal to carve things wrong, unlike you city people. She could read, but she died, couldn’t know her name was carved wrong. Good she died, just died a bit terribly, drank pesticide, didn’t die, then used a belt to hang herself. We looked for two days and two nights, didn’t find her, ready to quit, but the dog barked, the dog barked, ran toward the mountain peak. We followed it up, saw a black shadow hanging on a tree. We used the torch to light it, lit her eyeballs, bulging and cracked, tongue hanging out long as a chopstick. We were shocked, my dad was shocked too, but still my dad climbed up the tree, let her down, then carried her home. My dad just said one sentence on the way: She stood high, saw far.

  Ba Like bowed his head. Girl said: Every day she waited for you to come, you didn’t come. When she was dead, you came. Ba Like’s shoulders started to tremble over the table.

  – Every day she waited for you to come. She got a big chest at home, padlocked it. Put a small chest inside the big chest, padlocked that too. She opened the padlock of the big chest three times a day, then opened the padlock of the small chest three times a day to see the black-and-white photos inside. If we walked up she’d immediately put the pictures away, lock the two locks. After she died we pried the chests open, finally got to see what they looked like.

  Ba Like lifted his head, eyes anxious and eager.

  – Yes, square face, parted hair, brows just like yours now, there was a scar. How’d you get the scar?

  – From fighting.

  – A fight in our village, huh?

  – Yeah.

  – She said it a hundred times. Said it to everyone after she went crazy. She said she slept alone on the tree farm, dared not turn on the light in the evening, dared not turn off the light either, always rustling outside the window. She went looking for you in Guangming Village. You brought 20 educated youths to the tree farm, said nothing, just smashed the cafeteria to smithereens. You took her away like a guardian spirit, took her toward Guangming Village. Halfway through, two or three hundred workers and local villagers gathered at the tree farm with hoes, cleavers, and axes and caught up, surrounded, and beat you. You were beat into a jumping, flying mess, crying and calling for Daddy and Mommy, running all over. Then she said you were already lying facedown on the ground but suddenly broke free, rose, and shouted: You’re tough, huh? Beat me to death, today I’d like to see how you spell death. Your head was bleeding, nose was bleeding, corners of your mouth were bleeding, face and clothes were covered with blood. You scared them like a ghost, those two, three hundred people froze, looked at you. She said you suddenly snatched a cleaver from someone, aimed the cleaver at your shoulder, chopped wildly. After a few chops, some people started laughing, because you used the back of the knife on yourself. You took a look, turned the edge around and gave your forehead a chop.

  – Yeah.

  – You only did one chop, the 20 educated youths and two or three hundred hostile people all hurried to stop you. You jumped around like you were having a seizure. All they could do was wrap you up. You jumped a few times and said: Okay. Nobody knew what it meant. You said okay again. They let you go. Then she said you pointed at the two or three hundred people and shouted: You guys pretending to be gangsters or what? Someone hiding said: What if we are? Then you grabbed a hoe, sprinted over to fight, and another scuffle started. At that point in the story she was very happy, said you beat them up by yourself, you won.

  – We didn’t win, Secretary came and fired a shot in the air. Secretary said: Whoever is a warrior in the camp of Chairman Mao’s Proletarian Cultural Revolution put your weapons down and come here. So everyone quickly went over. Secretary said: Promise me, not even internal contradictions among the people matter. I shook hands with the Secretary of the Tree Farm Youth League branch and said, Right, not even internal contradictions among the people matter.

  – After this she said: Little Ke would give his life for me, he’ll definitely come to get me.

  Ba Like seemed to take another blow.

  – Do you remember our village had a supply-and-marketing co-op branch?

  – I remember after the fight Huimin was placed in Guangming Village, stood behind the counter there.

  – Right, she stood behind the counter there. During the Cultural Revolution, at the town level there were supply-and-marketing co-operatives, at the village level there were supply-and-marketing co-operative branches, but why did a broken village need a co-operative branch? So much candy and cloth laid out, but who would buy them? She just clung to it. Later when the town issued a document saying the village-level branches were being closed, she wrote a report for the authorities. The authorities didn’t approve it, so she m
et with higher authorities. The meeting came to nothing. People came to collect the signs and official seal. She clung to the ground rolling around. A person her age who liked to be clean and pretty, just rolled on the ground like a cat or a dog. They said, Fine the sign you can keep. She was still rolling, so they said, Fine, you can keep the official seal too. Then she got up. Do you know why she would keep the sign? To tell people coming to buy things I’m still with the state, I’m not like you, right? As long as she stood on that pitch-black, shiny cement ground, touching that pitch-black, shiny counter, she felt like she was different from them. Couldn’t she just feed pigs, couldn’t she just haul manure? She couldn’t even sell a few packs of cigarettes a day but had to keep up the front – whose money she was wasting? My dad’s. My dad would go up the mountain, only able to chop down three trees. A tree made three clubs. Three days of chopping was enough for 27 clubs. Took them to Mojia to sell, sold them for less than 20 yuan. The clubs were carefully carved, the money hard-earned, but it wasn’t enough for her to stock up once. She didn’t carry what people wanted to buy, only western stuff, who would buy that?

  Ba Like’s head pressed to the table like a criminal’s, shaking from side to side. Then the manager walked out of the kitchen, walked to the entrance, stretched, and squatted down to smoke and look at the legs of the girls coming and going.

  – She just stood behind the counter, stood until white hair peeked out from the black, stood till it all went white like a spirit fox. When it was dark she didn’t turn off the shop light, why? Because she was afraid you wouldn’t be able to find her in the dark if you came. She waited there, reluctant to go, sometimes waited until all the lights in the village were off. You know what my dad said? My dad said, You’d better go look, go look in the city, I won’t stop you. What did he do wrong? My dad didn’t insist on marrying her, she wanted to get married out of spite. She waited, she waited but you didn’t come, instead a bunch of relatives from the city came. She was happy for a long time when she got the letter, asked my dad to go hunting 10 days in advance, asked my dad to buy food three days in advance: rabbit, wild boar, wild chicken, even prepared things city people usually don’t eat, but those relatives put their visit off a week. The food all got spoiled. They ate their fill, drank their fill, drove the car away and never came back. When they left, nothing could stop her from running after the car for a long time, her mental illness breaking out again. Before that she liked to hold me and say, When little Ke comes, I will go with him, I will take you along. From that day on she liked to pinch my arms. I was little, the pinch made my arm purple. She imitated the words of the relatives to me, Wow, a daughter. She blamed herself for having me. She had me, so Little Ke wouldn’t come for her.