My Soul to Win

by Robin Roseau

  I held her, both of us crying.

  Then Sue Ellen was beside us. “Mom, this can’t be her.”

  “It’s her,” Marley said. “It’s her.” She let herself down and leaned away, but her hand came up to cup my cheek. “How?”

  “Long story,” I said. “How are you, Marley?”

  “Well, isn’t that a loaded question? Suzie, this is Teigan St. Claire.”

  “It’s not her, Mom. Look at her. She’s barely older than I am. How old was she when you knew her?”

  “Long story,” I repeated. “I don’t blame you for doubting me, Sue Ellen.”

  “Why do you call her that?” Marley asked. “That’s what the people at that church call her.”

  “Mom, this is the woman I told you about. This is Teigan Dove. She’s been spending time with Pastor Grace. But she’s a fraud!”

  “Suzie!” Marley exclaimed.

  “It’s all right, Marley,” I said. “She’s trying to protect you.”

  “You’re a fraud!” she screamed. “You’re dead!”

  “You really need to pick one or the other,” I said calmly. And then, damn it, but I brushed a few lingering tears away.

  “Fine,” Sue Ellen said, crossing her arms tightly. “Teigan St. Claire is dead, and you’re a fraud. I bet your name isn’t even Teigan.”

  I turned back to Marley. “Ask me anything.”

  “How did I end up living with Evaline?”

  “I invited you after that woman broke up with you,” I said. “You were living at the club.”

  “Everyone knows that.”

  Marley turned to her daughter. “No one knows that,” she said. “Unless you’ve told them.”

  “You told Pastor Grace.”

  “No, I did not,” she said. She turned back to me. “How did I convince you to dance for me?”

  I smiled. “I bet everyone knows that.”

  “Answer me.”

  “Scarves.” I glanced at Sue Ellen. “Do you really want the details in front of your daughter?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “Oh, please,” Sue Ellen said. “I’ve seen photographs.”

  “Do you remember the first night you took me home?” Marley asked.

  “Yes. Probably not all the details.”

  “Do you remember a rather unusual piece of furniture in Evaline’s bedroom?”

  “That I definitely remember. Marley, do you really want to talk about this in front of Sue Ellen?”

  “Who touched that piece of furniture first?” she asked. “You or me?”

  “Well, I did, as I was living there already,” I said. “But that first night? I don’t know. But I remember you unintentionally broke a rule, and then we experienced that piece of furniture together. We discussed ice cream.”

  She turned to Sue Ellen, who hadn’t relaxed her posture. “It’s her.”

  “That demon took Teigan St. Claire to Hell,” Sue Ellen said. “I bet once she was there, she spilled her guts.” She pointed at me. “She’s a demon. That’s not your friend.”

  “Sue Ellen,” I said. “Your faith is strong.”

  “You better believe it.”

  “And Pastor Grace’s faith is even stronger.” The girl stared at me, but said nothing. “Pastor Grace has blessed the entire church as well as her home. It is all sacred ground. Demons aren’t welcome. And yet, it is the most welcoming place I have ever been.”

  “That’s funny to say after you sold your soul to the devil.”

  “I didn’t sell my soul to the devil,” I said. “I traded it to a demon to save someone else’s soul.”

  “And now you’re welcome in church?”

  “You’re right about something, Sue Ellen,” I said. “I died.”

  “And went to Hell.”

  “No, no. I was alive and, I guess I shouldn’t say alive and well. Alive and whole. Let’s put it that way. A demon killed me. I think it was about a year ago, but things are a little fuzzy after that.”

  “You look pretty good for a corpse.”

  “I went to Heaven.”

  “You went to Hell.”

  “True.” I smiled. “Sue Ellen, my agreement with Evaline included a little clause.”

  “What clause?”

  “Even if she couldn’t bear to free me while I lived, on my death, my soul was free.”

  “I have those papers,” Marley said. “Teigan, I have everything. I have the contracts you signed.”

  “Did you ever read them?”

  “She’s not lying, Suzie.”

  “I died, Sue Ellen. And I went to Heaven.” And then I pulled out my badge and handed it to her. She opened it and stared. And while she did, I turned to my old, old friend. “Marley, Evaline is in Hell. I think she went to rescue me. Now I’m going back to rescue her, and I need help. Will you help me?”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  “No!” Sue Ellen screamed. “Mom! You can’t go to Hell with her!”

  “Sue Ellen,” I said to her. “We’re going to need an army. Pastor Grace is going to need you. Will you help us protect your mother?”

  She stared at me, and then she began sobbing and threw herself on Marley. “You can’t go. Not even for Evaline. You can’t. You can’t, Mom.”

  “Teigan wouldn’t let me go if she couldn’t bring us all back,” Marley said.

  “It’s a long story,” I said. “Could we please go back to the church? I’d like to tell it all to you.”

  * * * *

  At the steps, Marley tried to hold back. Sue Ellen wasn’t talking, but she hadn’t let go of Marley’s arm. Marley came to a stop, looking at the church. “I can’t go in there.”

  “Why not?”

  “I consort with demons,” she replied. “I’m not welcome in any church. I’ve tried.”

  “Have you tried this church?”

  “She’s refused,” Sue Ellen said from Marley’s other side.

  “Marley, I tried to enter another church. I wasn’t welcome. This one is different. I don't know why, not entirely. Trust me. Please.”

  At that, she nodded, but she clasped my hand. Together, the three of us climbed the steps. Then Sue Ellen stepped ahead and opened the door, and I brought my friend inside, her daughter following behind. She stepped up behind Marley and looked over her shoulder.

  Grace was standing in the sanctuary, her back to us. I was pretty sure she’d heard us, but she stood, waiting.

  “Marley?” I asked. She looked at me nervously. But she nodded, and so we stepped forward.

  Grace turned around as we drew closer. She cocked her head. “Hello, Teigan Dove,” she said gently. “Sue Ellen.” Her smile broadened, and she descended the steps. “Marley. Please be welcome. I’m so happy to see you.”

  “Pastor Grace,” Marley said. She let Grace take her hands.

  “Teigan Dove, I thought you were pursuing that other issue. But you have brought me a wonderful surprise.”

  “A bigger surprise than you realize,” I said. “Grace, this is Marley Mann, but the first time I met her, she was introduced to me as Poppy.”

  Grace stared at me for a moment, her smile frozen, but then she said, “You were all meant to come to this church. We should talk.”

  “We should,” I said. “Grace, will you indulge me?”

  “Of course.”

  I nodded, and then I slipped an arm around Marley’s waist. I tugged her forward. Grace stepped aside, and with quite a bit of prompting from me, I led Marley up the steps to the sanctuary. “Close your eyes,” I said to her. “Trust me, Marley. Close your eyes. For me.”

  She nodded and closed. I turned her around. Sue Ellen and Grace were watching us. Sue Ellen’s body language told me how conflicted she was, and when Grace tried to put an arm around her, she stepped away.

  I felt bad about that, but I had to focus on Marley for a minute. I stepped into place behind her. “I don’t know if you can feel it,” I said. “I don’t know if you can trust me. I don’t know i
f you can trust yourself. Marley, when is the last time Poppy came out?”

  “Years,” she whispered.

  “She’s still there, inside,” I said.

  “I don’t know.”

  “She’s a part of you, Marley. You are both Marley and Poppy.” And then I reached for her wrists, and I pulled them up and away. “Feel Poppy now. Feel the joy of this place.” I released her wrists, but she kept her arms out. Then I brushed at her back, as if I were smoothing the tails of her tuxedo. I tugged at the back of her blouse. Then I straightened, but I brushed a rim about her head, the brim of her top hat. “Feel, Poppy,” I said. “Feel for us.”

  She stood still for a moment, and then she spun away, and she was every bit as beautiful as she had ever been. I watched in awe as Poppy, her eyes closed, danced around the sanctuary. She used the entire space, never once touching the wall or tripping down the steps, and never once opening her eyes.

  She was brilliant and beautiful, and at least to my eyes, before us I saw the young woman she had been. She danced, with just Grace, Sue Ellen, and me to watch her.

  And then she did descend the steps, but gracefully. She didn’t open her eyes, or I don’t think so, anyway, but she collected Sue Ellen’s hands, pulling her back up the steps of the sanctuary, and the two danced together.

  Sue Ellen wasn’t the dancer her mother was, but she was every bit as graceful, and it was clear the two had danced together before. Poppy began laughing with her joy, and Sue Ellen, too.

  And then Poppy left Sue Ellen standing on the side, and she danced to me, pressing against my side. And so we danced together, one of us far more artfully than the other. But I let her lead me around, and I could feel the joy radiating from her.

  Eventually, she left me on the other side of the sanctuary. She danced a moment longer, finally coming to a stop, breathing heavily. Then she opened her eyes. Grace was immediately in front of her.

  And that was when I realized we formed a triangle: Grace, Sue Ellen, and me, with Poppy at the exact center.

  And before our eyes, Poppy became Marley again. A portion of the joy left her. She looked at Grace. Then she turned and looked at me.

  Grace looked at her, and then at me.

  And that was when Sue Ellen put it all together, too. “Mom,” she whispered.

  Grace stepped forward. Marley didn’t fight when Grace took her hands. “I can share if you can.”

  “Pastor Grace.”

  Grace pulled Marley into her arms, cupping her head and pulling her to her tightly. “Teigan told me she was mine, but only for a while. I’m not ready for that to end, but I’m willing to share. I think in the end, she really is yours, and she is only a loan to me.”

  “She’s Evaline’s,” Marley whispered. “She is quite literally Evaline’s.”

  “Was,” I clarified.

  * * * *

  We moved to the house. Sue Ellen was very quiet, but when Grace put an arm around her, she moved into it. “Sue Ellen and I will make fresh tea.” They disappeared towards the kitchen.

  Marley turned to me. “Was it horrible?”

  “Yes,” I said. “But not necessarily in the ways you might suspect. There were no fires. It wasn’t like that.”

  She nodded then took my hand and pulled me to the sofa. We sat, staring at each other. “What happened at the church?”

  “Let’s wait until they’re back,” I said. “Marley, how are you?”

  “Old.” She brushed my cheek. “I don’t know what she’s talking about. I’m old. You’re hardly going to…”

  I brushed at her face. “You’re beautiful, my friend, and I never stopped loving you.”

  “Or me, you,” she replied. “By the time you invited me home with you, you were truly hers, weren’t you?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Not when we met.”

  “It was later,” she said. “She wasn't the same after you left.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Her fault, not yours,” Marley said. “You’re really going to rescue her after what she did to you?”

  “She didn’t do it,” I replied. “Theophania did. And it wasn’t all bad. Some of it was actually quite good.” I laughed. “I speak Latin now.”

  “Is that what she spoke?”

  “She usually spoke impeccable English with me, but she taught me Latin, Greek, and Japanese.”

  “Why Japanese?”

  “Because I asked. She enjoyed teaching me things. I never asked why. She made me learn Latin, but then she offered Greek, and I invited Japanese.”

  “I can’t even imagine,” Marley said. She brushed at me again. “You’re so young.”

  “She did that, too,” I said. “And made changes.” I fingered my hair. “She gave me curves I never had.”

  “I was wondering if I had a poor memory.”

  “You knew me when I wore a body that was decidedly older than this one appears, but no, if you remember me somewhat more boyish in physique, your memory is correct.”

  We talked for a few minutes, and then Grace and Sue Ellen returned, Sue Ellen carrying a tray. There was tea, and I didn’t know where the biscuits came from. Marley started to get up, ready to cede her seat to Grace, but Grace told her to sit back down.

  We settled. I sipped at my tea, and then I said, “I told Grace everything, but only a few days ago.”

  “Did you threaten to call the guys in the white jackets?” Sue Ellen asked her.

  “No,” Grace said. “Given how long it took to tell me, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t told you very much at all.”

  “She claims to be Teigan St. Claire, who should be sixty-some years old. She’s barely older than I am.”

  “Angels don’t age,” Grace said.

  “She’s no angel!” Sue Ellen said.

  “Oh?” Grace had them waiting, and she set the flattened slugs on the table. “Do you remember the little ruckus we had outside?”

  “What are those?”

  “The slugs that should have killed me,” Grace said.

  “What?!” Sue Ellen screeched.

  “Instead, they are this shape because that’s what happens when you shoot an angel in the back.”

  “Fake.”

  “No, Sue Ellen,” Grace said gently. “I was there. Show her your badge.”

  “I did.”

  “Also fake.”

  I pulled out my gun. Sue Ellen’s eyes went wide. “Put that away,” Grace said.

  “Sue Ellen,” I said. “This is a Glock-19.”

  “No. I forbid this,” Grace said. “You are not letting that innocent child shoot you.”

  “You’re right,” I said. I ejected the clip and the chambered round. I set the gun on the table and then, one by one, ejected each round from the clip, setting them up in a row on the table. Marley and Sue Ellen stared. “This is, or at least was, twenty-five years ago, the preferred weapon by a large percentage of police departments all around the world. It fires a powerful 9-millimeter slug, and is one of the most reliable semi-automatic weapons ever produced, or at least by the time I bought this one.”

  “Cops have to buy their own?” Sue Ellen asked.

  “I liked having my own,” I said. “Cops can be particular about their guns.”

  “That’s not your original gun,” Marley said. “I have your original. I have your badge, too.”

  “She should have destroyed them,” I said. “You might be right. This might not be mine, but if you go and look, don’t be too surprised if mine is missing.” I turned back to Sue Ellen. I slid the bullets all to her. “Do these look real?”

  “How should I know?”

  “These are 9-millimeter Parabellum rounds,” I explained casually. “In this particular case, hollow-point.” I picked one up and showed her. “The case is this part here. It’s brass. This stays in the gun, and in the movies, when you see a bunch of stuff flying out the side of a gun, this is what you see. Inside is the gunpowder. The part that fires is the tip. Traditionally, they have be
en solid lead, but there have been improvements. For these bullets, you can see they have a copper sheath. There is lead inside, but by making it hollow, when they hit soft tissue, they expand.” I pointed. “Like that. It causes small entry wounds and very large exit wounds.”

  “Why are you telling me all this? I don’t want to know.”

  “These are all live rounds,” I said. “Or so I assume. I haven’t actually verified for myself. Pick one.” And I began putting them back into the magazine.

  “That one,” Sue Ellen said. So I took the cartridge I was holding and set it aside. I loaded the others, and then I loaded that one last.

  “What are you doing?”

  “The last one in is the first one to fire,” I said. I inserted the magazine into the gun and worked the slide. “The cartridge you picked is now ready to fire. All I have to do is point the gun and pull the trigger.”

  “Ha! There’s a safety.”

  “Not on the Glock,” I said. “The safety on a gun is not to keep you from pulling the trigger. It’s to keep you from accidentally pulling the trigger, perhaps by dropping the gun. Glock doesn’t do that, but instead this gun is specially designed to only fire with a finger on the trigger. There’s no safety to forget to unlock in an emergency, which is one reason police like it.”

  “So they can shoot first and ask questions later.”

  “Imagine, sarcasm from a teenager,” I said. “Although I think you understand.” I partly opened my blouse.

  “I forbid this!” Grace said.

  “I don’t want to ruin more clothes,” I said. I gave myself some bare skin and then pressed the barrel of the gun against the top of my chest.

  “Wait,” Grace said. “Angel.”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  “Just because a couple of hoodlums couldn’t hurt you doesn’t mean that particular gun, when wielded by an angel, won’t kill you. Teigan Dove, as far as I am concerned, that is a divine weapon, no different than Michael’s holy sword.”

  I froze. “I didn’t think of that,” I muttered.

  “You were really going to shoot yourself to prove something to me?” Sue Ellen asked.

  “I was, until Pastor Grace got all pesky about it.”

  “Teigan Dove,” Grace said. “Angel or no angel, this is my home and my church, and you will not engage in foolishness like this without discussing it with me first.”