Learning to Stand

by Claudia Hall Christian

  Alex scowled a ‘You better’ at him then went into the room. Larry was watching television. Sitting up on an elbow, his face broke into his characteristic bright smile.

  “Hi Major!” Larry exclaimed. His hands grabbed at his throbbing head.

  “Slowly,” Alex said.

  “Where am I?” Larry asked.

  “Denver Health. You got very drunk last night. The Denver Police picked you up outside the Squire on Colfax. You were passed out in your car. You had alcohol poisoning. And you now have a DUI plus a whole bunch of other trouble.”

  “Oh.” Larry’s bright smile faded. “I was just thinking that I’ve never been in the hospital before.” Larry flipped his legs to the edge of the bed and lurched forward to grab his head again. “I guess I was in the hospital when you broke my leg. But I was on base. It wasn’t much different than being in the barracks. How long will I stay here?”

  “The doctor wants to see you this morning to decide. You have been very, very sick.”

  “I feel very, very sick. Why do you look so serious? Aren’t you the one who always says 'Don’t take everything so seriously’?”

  “You have a lot of legal problems. I’m able to take custody of you, but Colonel Gordon is looking to discharge you for conduct unbecoming of an officer.”

  She paused to let the information sink in.

  “But guys get DUIs all the time. They don’t get discharged.”

  “You’re an intelligence officer, Sergeant Flagg. A Special Forces Intelligence Officer. Tell me. Who do you know who is a Special Forces Intelligence Officer who has received a DUI?”

  Larry fell silent.

  “No one, I guess.”

  “We can demote you. Hell, the Admiral might want your beret.”

  “My beret? Yeah, you may as well take my beret. You hate me anyway.”

  “Hate you?” Alex groaned.

  Jesse appeared by her side. “He got his orders to go to the sand. He’s leaving in three months. He’s freaked about going to war so he got shit faced.”

  Alex crossed her arms.

  “Don’t let him ruffle you.” Jesse moved in front of her. “And don’t yell. It’s a hospital.”

  Alex gave him a curt nod.

  “What does the great Jesse have to say?” Larry asked. “He’s the only fucking person you care about, and he’s not even alive.”

  “You can see Jesse?”

  “I see the dust light up… like sparklers… So what did he say?”

  “He said you got your orders.”

  Larry face blanched then went red. His mouth flapped open and closed. Looking away from Alex, he mimicked her crossed arms. When he turned back, he was one hundred percent angry, drunk and hung over.

  “You forget me. Every single time. Troy thinks I’m a joke. Matthew treats me like I’m three fucking years old. Raz won’t even talk to me. Vince pinches his eyebrows when I talk. No response. Just this weird look. Trece told me he was going to kill me. Kill… ME! And the Jakker openly laughs when I talk.”

  Alex could barely contain her disgust for the Sergeant. She fought, worked, struggled and suffered to get a chance to wear a beret. This stupid, selfish drunken fool would throw it away.

  “Here are your options.” Alex pressed forward to keep from throwing up. “First, you must apologize to your commanding officer for your conduct, attitude and diatribe. Once your commanding officer accepts your heartfelt apology, you must apologize to the men.”

  “Then what?”

  “Colonel Gordon can move you to a team at MI, either Fort Carson or Cheyenne Mountain. They do straight up Military Intelligence. Your other option is to work this out right here, right now.”

  “I… I… Can I think about it?” Larry asked.

  “No,” Alex replied. “We’ve been assigned to a complicated and challenging situation involving the President’s best-friend. We need to be able to count on every member. Today. Right this minute.”

  “Oh,” Larry said. He lay down on the hospital bed and stared at the ceiling. After a few moments, he whispered, “I don’t know how to work it out, Major.”

  Tears squeezed from his blue eyes.

  “I might be able to help you.”

  “But don’t want to help me,” he said.

  “Fuck Larry! Are you twelve? You are a God damned Special Forces SOLDIER in the United States Army.”

  Alex bit her lip to keep from any further yelling. Jesse was right. Yelling in a hospital was stupid. Shaking her head, she moved toward the door.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” Larry said. “I’m drunk, hung over, and sick. I’m behaving very poorly. Especially to you. Is there a way to make it up to you?”

  “You can tell me what this is about,” Alex said.

  “Did you send me to Iraq to get rid of me?”

  “No, Larry,” Alex said. “You joined Forces straight from college. You have to do at least one tour. The rest of us were regular Army before we trained for our Berets. My Sergeant, for example, did three tours in Afghanistan before going through training. Vince went to Annapolis, graduated top of his class before becoming a SEAL. He’d still be underwater if he wasn’t injured.”

  “Oh.”

  “Exactly,” Alex said. “I think it will be good for you to get out in the field and actually do what you were trained to do. Isn’t that why you joined? To serve your country?”

  “No, Major. I joined to work for you. My uncle… was…” Larry looked away from her. “He’s not really my uncle. He’s my uncle’s best-friend from elementary school. His parents lived next door to us. My uncle is only five years older than me. I spent a lot of time with him and his friend when I was growing up. His friend joined the Army when I was in high school. He was… held… in… Siberia. You probably don’t remember him but he lost a foot to frost bite?”

  “Lieutenant Colonel Fred Hossa,” Alex said.

  “He said he will never forget seeing your team, the Fey Special Forces Team, cross country skiing across the horizon. He said he never had been more proud to be an American. He knew he was safe when you, a beautiful woman, pushed your hood off and laughed at something a team member said. That was probably Jesse, right?”

  “Jesse made a couple jokes about Mexicans in the snow,” Alex nodded. “Jesse was born in Mexico. He hated the cold.”

  “I thought, ‘That’s what I want to do.’ I want to save people who are held hostage. They opened direct entry to Special Forces for college graduates when I was almost done with Harvard. I finished up and applied. My parents were furious but there wasn’t much they could do.”

  “If you went through all of this to work for me, why did you fuck it up?”

  Larry shrugged.

  “What happens now?” Larry asked.

  “The doctors will come to check you out. If you’re all right, you’ll come with us. Drunk, hung over and sick, you’ll work today. You need to apologize to the men and Colonel Gordon. You must deal with the legal ramifications of your actions, whatever they are. No excuses.”

  “Yes sir,” he said.

  “When we get to base, we’ll speak about your other allegations with the men. Teams work things out among themselves.”

  “I won’t let you down, Major.”

  Larry’s eyes and tone were so sincere that Alex almost laughed.

  “You better not.”

  Larry nodded.

  “Oh, one more thing,” Alex said.

  “Yes, Major?”

  “If I ever see you take even one sip of alcohol in my presence, I will kick your ass. The doctor will tell you this, but the only way you could get that drunk is if you have a genetic propensity for alcohol. Drink and you’ll become an alcoholic. I will not tolerate an alcoholic in my life.”

  “I swear I will never drink again,” Larry said. “I know I can become an alcoholic. There are lots of them in my family.”

  Alex scowled her sincerity at Larry then tapped on the door. White Boy opened the door.

  “The d
octor is here,” White Boy said

  Alex nodded

  Looking past Alex, White Boy said, “You all right, kid? She wasn’t too mean?”

  Larry shook his head.

  “Where’s Trece?” Alex asked.

  White Boy shrugged. After seeing the doctor, checking in with the Denver Police, they were on their way to the car before Trece reappeared. He didn’t offer an explanation for where he had been. Noting the anger on Alex’s face, he continued his jovial commentary the entire drive back to base.

  Arriving at her office, she was met by her Sergeant at the door. But even with her Sergeant’s intervention, it was clear. The men hadn’t worked while she was gone. Trailing her Sergeant, Trece and White Boy, she marched to her group work area. Standing in the doorway, she watched them play Nerf football. Her Sergeant cleared his throat and the men turned to look at them.

  Without saying a word, Alex turned in place. She walked back to her office, closed then locked the door. She could hear the men try to get around her Sergeant. They called her telephone. She received IM and email. None of which she answered.

  Instead, she placed a telephone call to the Admiral in charge of Special Forces. She waited only a few moments before he took her call. A half hour later, Colonel Gordon knocked on her door. While he tried to persuade her, he eventually acquiesced to her request. She followed him out of the office.

  Walking to her group work area, she found them diligently working on the things she asked them to do hours before.

  “I have disbanded this team,” she said. “The Admiral is looking for new assignments for each of you. You will be contacted either by Colonel Gordon or the Admiral regarding your next assignment. Captain Hutchins, you have been returned to the Navy. Agent Rasmussen, you have been returned to Homeland Security.

  “My decision is final. While within my power, I have not added a note to your files regarding the dissolution of this team. As far as the world knows, we were asked to complete a project that was beyond our scope.

  “I remind you that you are officers in the United States Military. In the future, I hope you are able to work for someone you’re able to respect.

  “Do not contact me, write me, email me or IM. That is a direct order from your superior officer. Thank you for your attention.”

  Without saying another word, she walked out of the building to her car and drove home. Once there, she worked her way through the voice, fingerprint and code security in her basement office. Locking the door, she collapsed in a heap on the floor.

  And wept.

  F

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Three hours later

  Wednesday morning

  March 26 – 10:45 A.M. MDT

  Fort Logan National Cemetery, Colorado

  Alex stepped back to admire her work. She spent the last hour cleaning the eleven granite stones which marking the final resting place of the Fey Special Forces Team. As she often did when she was here, she talked to her friends and teammates. She told them about her life. She shared her loneliness and grief. While Jesse hovered nearby, she detailed everything that happened.

  In her effort to keep her few living friends close, she had lost them all. She’d known Troy since basic training, Trece and White Boy almost as long. Matthew had been her sparing partner, her buddy and her closest friend through some very dark nights. She spent six months in Walter Reed with Vince. Within a few days, they would be scattered to the wind.

  And she would be alone.

  Moving from stone to stone, she lit incense with Jesse’s Zippo lighter. Peace be with Alexander, the stone they laid for her, Nathan, Paul, Jax, Dean, Scott, Tommy, Dwight, Jesse, Mike and finally Charlie. Standing in the fragrant smoke, she wondered what was next for her.

  Her failure was complete.

  She couldn’t move on from her days on the Fey Special Forces Team.

  Not willing to face her life, she clicked Jessie’s Zippo lighter opened and closed. Charlie bought these lighters to commemorate their first mission. Since her lighter was still broken, she used Jesse’s.

  Hearing a car pull up behind her, she placed her hand on the Glock 9 mm which rested at her sacrum. She turned around to see a familiar black limousine.

  “I thought I’d find you here,” her father, and General-turned-Senator, Patrick Hargreaves said.

  “How did you get here so fast?” she asked.

  “I was in town for a series of meetings.” He looked at his watch. “I’m meeting with the governor right this minute.”

  He put his arm around his favorite child in an open hug. They watched the smoke from the incense blow over the eleven granite stones.

  “You’re not wearing your Alyssa get up,” he said.

  “Couldn’t get the lenses in. Crying,” Alex said. “So I gave up.”

  “Is it safe?”

  Alex shrugged.

  “I’m sorry, Dad. I know you wanted me to be career military, but I couldn’t do it. I’ve failed you. And I’m very sorry.”

  Patrick made a noise, somewhere between a snort and a grunt. Noticing her look, he worked his face toward something more sincere. His blue eyes danced with laughter.

  “There’s no way you can fail me, Alex,” he said.

  “Why did you laugh?”

  “Because I gave my superior officer the same speech a couple months into leading my own team,” he said. “What happened?”

  “They don’t respect me. I asked them to do specific things and they refused. We were on assignment a few days ago and... It was a nightmare. How did you find out?”

  “Initially? Your sister, Erin called. The Admiral has assigned Matthew to another extended stay in Afghanistan. He’s to leave in the morning.”

  “He is a soldier. We are at a war,” Alex said. “What did Erin want you to do?”

  “Intervene,” he said. “I’ll tell you. The Admiral must be particularly angry with Mac Clenaghan. The assignment is a dog especially for a Captain.”

  “She made the choice to date someone with a twenty year military contract.”

  “You’re angry.”

  “Heartbroken,” Alex said. “Lost.”

  “You should know the men were reassigned the moment you left base. Olivas is assigned to a nasty project dealing with the FARC in Columbia. Rasmussen no longer works for Ben. He was recalled to Washington DC where he will be given a thousand civilian profiles. Hutchins’s project is so bad that he’s contacting doctors for a medical discharge, which will be denied.”

  “Trece and White Boy?”

  “You don’t want to know. They were dealt with first. Their commander will not tolerate even a whiff of disrespect let alone abject disobedience.”

  “Zack?”

  “Captain Jakkman has been grounded. At Schriever, no less. Indefinitely. And he’s angry. He says he didn’t do anything. But he’s a part of your team. I think they are going to send him through flight school or something annoying. His co-pilot was reassigned to Iraq.”

  “What about Flagg?”

  “Do you really want to know?”

  “I guess so,” Alex said.

  “Full military court martial,” Patrick said.

  “I guess he won’t have to go to Iraq,” Alex said. “He can go about his college boy life and never look back.”

  Patrick raised his eyebrows at her dark comment.

  “The Admiral has no intention of breaking up your team,” Patrick said. “At least that’s what he told me. He’s planning on letting them stew for a while though. They’ve had an easy year – great pay, sleep in your own bed, set your own schedule. He wants them to understand that they are soldiers first.”

  “I hope the Admiral has someone in mind to lead them. I’m not doing it,” Alex said. “I can’t.”

  Patrick’s blue eyes reviewed Alex’s face. Her chin was set in stubborn defiance. Her lips were pressed to her teeth. The tight skin against her cheekbones told him of her anxiety induced starvation. More than anything, there was an u
ncharacteristic darkness about his bright child. As if to protect her from the dark, he pulled her closer.

  “You’re not eating,” he said.

  Alex looked up at her father then shook her head.

  “Listen Dad, I appreciate how busy you are. I bet the governor isn’t happy about waiting for you. Why don’t we schedule lunch sometime next week? We can talk then.”

  Patrick laughed.

  “You only fail if you quit,” he said.

  “Well, there you have it,” Alex said. “I quit.”

  “What’s got your goat, Alex? I’ve never known you to quit anything. Why this? And why now? You didn’t even warn them. You just disbanded the men.”

  “I have another contract out on my life.”

  “And? That’s been true for the last two and a half years.”

  Alex shook her head. Patrick let the silence lag.

  “I miss them,” Alex said. “That’s all. I wish...”

  “The Admiral assured me. If you need to leave the Army, we’ll make it work. No one should have to endure what you’ve been through. And to be treated like this? By people who say they are your friends?”

  “It’s like being assaulted again.”

  “It is an assault,” Patrick said. “Plain and simple, they took advantage of you.”

  “What about the President and his friend?”

  “The President’s been informed that the Fey is not available. He doesn’t like it much, but he’ll survive. Why don’t you take some leave?”

  “And what? Watch the construction workers put up dry wall?”

  “You could stay at our house,” Patrick said. “Your mother would love to see you.”

  “Yeah, I bet. She can gloat. She always said women shouldn’t be soldiers.”

  “Oh honey,” Patrick said.

  “Sorry, Dad. I’m pretty grim.”

  “I was pretty grim when I was in your position.”

  “What helped?” Alex asked.

  “I got out of my own way,” Patrick said. “I gave commands and not requests. I spoke my mind and let the chips fall where they may, even with my friends. I became a leader by acting like one.”

  Alex reacted viscerally to his last statement. Opening her mouth, she turned to say something. Shaking her head at her father, she placed and lit another incense stick at each grave stone. She paused at Charlie O’Brien’s stone then walked back to her father.