Playing It Out Straight

by Andrew McQuinn

  I stared at him, confused.

  “Whatever, Dad.”

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” he yelled, approaching me with his hand in a fist and his index finger pointing at me, in his other hand he held his nightly beer. “I don’t want Scotty staying in your room tonight, end of discussion.”

  “Okay, I’ll go help him set up Jennifer’s bed.”

  “No need, I’ll do it.”

  We stood in the kitchen staring each other down. My father glared at me while I fought the urge to yell at him. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore; I left him and joined Scotty.

  “What the heck was I thinking, I’m such a screw up, if we wanted to kiss, we should have done it in my room.”

  “You did nothing wrong,” Scotty comforted me. “Did he say if he saw anything?”

  “No, he doesn’t want you staying in my room tonight. Sorry.” I pouted.

  “Don’t say that, we didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Our conversation ended as we walked past my father and into the living room. Stephen sat in our father’s La-Z-Boy and Amy was laying on the floor playing on her tablet. Scotty and I sat close to each other on the couch and buried our hands out of site in the seat cushions

  “Ready to go somewhere over the rainbow, Amy?”

  I heard Scotty quietly snicker at my side. I felt his hand brush against mine and my heart picked up. I wondered how long his touch would excite me this way. Did he experience the same side effects? Did his heart race every time he saw me, or I touched him? We linked hands and buried them deep in the cushion and out of view from wandering eyes. Scotty lightly squeezed my hand. My heart went boom, rumbled, ticked faster and retuned to a steady drumming beat again.

  “Yea, yea, yea, yes,” Amy said jumping up and down.

  “Okay on, put it in.”

  I looked over to Scotty and realized how annoyed I was that I even had to come out. Why was the default straight? Moreover, what was wrong with being gay in the first place? What a world it would be if we could cuddle right now, whispering sweet nothings, and do so without the risk of being ridiculed. I wanted so bad to lean over and kiss Scotty. Although it would be weird for Stephen, I knew he wouldn’t care and if my dad wasn’t home then I would have.

  “Do you want to change into something more comfortable?” I asked Scotty.

  “Sure.”

  Our hands unlocked before we stood and headed up stairs. We b-lined it for my room. I opened the door and let him in before shutting and locking it. I walked over to my closet and opened the doors to find us some sleeping clothes.

  “What size clothes do you wear?”

  “Thirty-thirty-two pant, medium shirt.”

  “Same.”

  Other than the obvious four-inch height difference Scotty had over me, we were for the most part the same size. I tossed him a pair of pajama pants and cotton football jersey and walked toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “I’m giving you some privacy.”

  “I don’t care. We’re going out now. Besides, I’m not taking everything off,” Scotty said as he removed his shirt and pants.

  I stared at him in his underwear. The sight made my mouth water.

  “Oh. So, we’re going out now?” I asked in a way even I didn’t believe

  “Well I would say so. I don’t just go around kissing my friends for the thrill of it,” he said tossing his clothes at me.

  I rolled my eyes and sat on the bed across from him. The CD I made for him was still playing. “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tommy Jones and the Shondells played. I watched him dance around in his undies before he pulled the shirt on. The jersey fell just above Scotty’s knees. I wanted to tell him how adorable he was, but it felt weird. Then I remembered now wasn’t the time to hold back. Scotty reached out and grabbed my hand and stepped forward, standing between my legs.

  “You look cute,” I said.

  “Thanks, you do too,” he said smiling. “I don’t need the pants.”

  I loved the feeling of his legs touching my inner thighs. I wished I weren’t wearing pants just to feel skin on skin.

  “You sure?”

  “Yah, you wear em.”

  He took my spot on the bed and watched me change. I slipped on the pajama bottoms he rejected and a T-shirt.

  “Eh.” I heard him grumble behind me.

  “What?” I complained.

  “Lose the shirt.”

  I chuckled and sat at the head of the bed.

  “Tired?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” He yawned.

  I crawled to the foot of the bed and sat behind Scotty, hugging him tight and letting him lean against me. Scotty tilted his head back and stole a kiss. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of this.

  “Want to lie down and talk for a bit before we go back downstairs?” Scotty asked.

  “Sure.”

  I crab crawled backward and laid down. Scotty was at my side in an instant. We faced each other and kissed once more. Our hands explored each other’s bodies. Mine found his waist, sliding up and under his shirt while his hands ran down my thigh and between my legs. My hand slid under the waistband of his boxers. He sighed and closed his eyes when I gripped him. This was all new to me, kissing, feeling him up, everything. I loved it. I let him do the same. Clothes weren’t removed. All we needed were kisses and touch. Once we spent a few more minutes playing around we held hands and snuggled closer.

  “I’m glad we talked today. You’ve helped me a lot through this time, I hope you know how much this means to me. Without you I may not have started my coming out process as quickly.”

  “Of course,” Scotty said, brushing his fingertips over my cheek. He took my hand and our fingers intertwined. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Shoot,” I said.

  “How long have you liked me?”

  “I noticed you when we ran lines together. At the time I couldn’t really decipher what I felt. I guess then it was a crush,” I paused; he smiled and nudged closer to me. “What about you?” I asked.

  “The day you met the cast. That’s why I asked if you wanted to go to the Santa Monica Pier. I wanted to get to know you more.”

  I nudged closer and asked, “So, the guy you’ve had your eye on was me?”

  He laughed and turned red. “Yes, but you had to come out first, otherwise I would have asked you out long before I taught you to surf.”

  Unable to wait any longer we both smiled and kissed each other. Wow, we’ve liked each other all this time. Why didn’t I say something sooner? Why did I have to be so scared? Why was I a coward? Oh yeah, I was trying to appease my father.

  “By the way, this was totally worth the wait,” he said

  He let go of my hand and glided his fingers across my face, once again all my worries went away. We kept it PG, a simple peck on the lips. He put his ear over my heart and listened.

  “How does it sound?” I asked.

  “Simply divine.” He yawned.

  I rubbed his back. “If you want you can go to bed,” I said a few minutes later. “Scotty?”

  Scotty rolled onto his stomach and scooted toward me before turning away so I could hold him tight, nuzzling my face between his shoulder blades. I closed my eyes and breathed in Scotty’s scent until I fell asleep.

  I awoke the next morning alone. Ever since last night I wanted to tell Jen about Scotty and me. Over the last few weeks, I had been keeping her posted, the entire time she played cheerleader, encouraging me to tell Scotty how I felt. She deserved to be the first to know. I checked my phone and saw it was seven thirty in the morning. Hoping it wasn’t too early, I phoned my sister.

  “Morning brother,” Jen said.

  “Oh, good you’re up, morning sister.”

  “Yeah I’m up at six every day.”

  “Are you busy?”

  “Sorta, I have a few minutes though. What’s up?”

  “Well, I have news,” I said, trying not to soun
d too excited.

  “It better be what I think it is.”

  I smiled. “It is. Scotty and I are dating. Official last night.”

  I had to hold the phone away from my ear my sister hollered so loudly.

  “Wahoo!” Jen yelled. “I’m so excited for you.”

  I laughed and got up and paced around my room while we continued to talk.

  “Thank you. I wanted you to be the first I told. You were right, the end really is about the journey.”

  “I told ya. When do I get to meet him?”

  “Soon, I hope. I think you’ll like him.”

  “As long as he treats you right, I’ll love him.”

  I smiled again. “He does.”

  “Aww you sound so cute. Hey, I’m sorry to cut this conversation short but I’ve got to get going. Can we talk more later?”

  “Sure.”

  “Alright well I am so happy for you Kyle. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said, hanging up the phone.

  On my way downstairs I checked the guest room, Scotty was still asleep.

  There was a lump in my throat when I entered the kitchen and saw my dad. He didn’t speak to me. I sat down at the breakfast bar and ate. I thought about what happened last night while I chewed my cereal, stirring the remnants still in the bowl. Scotty and I kissed for the first time. We kissed! Not a fantasy but reality and it was glorious. I looked up at my father and was reminded of another thing that happened last night.

  “I thought I told you I didn’t wanted Scotty staying in your room, and yet when I checked he wasn’t in the guest room, and your door was locked.”

  “He didn’t Dad, he fell asleep there but woke up and went to guest room, sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay, I just thought you ignored me.”

  “Nope, we were tired last night,” I said.

  My dad stared at me. I noticed his eyes dart around me and wondered what he could possibly be thinking. Is my son gay? What had I witnessed last night? They were holding hands, doesn’t mean anything. AHA! He went on a date with that Emilie girl not too long ago, perhaps I should ask about it. The idea’s ran rampant in my mind.

  “I haven’t gotten around to asking. How was your date last weekend?”

  “Eh.”

  “Just eh? What did you guys end up doing?”

  “I mean it went fine, we got coffee and explored a few museums.”

  “Nice, are you guys seeing each other again?”

  “I don’t know, maybe. She’s pretty busy, and we may work better as friends.”

  “Oh,” he paused. “So, are you going to take coach up on his offer to be the goalie?”

  I laughed to myself; it was Maine all over again. “I was thinking of it. It wouldn’t hurt to.”

  “How are your studies going? Keeping your grades up?”

  “School just started, so yes Dad,” I mumbled.

  It was painstakingly obvious at this point my father had run through all our usual topics and didn’t know how to have a normal conversation with me. No, did you see a new art instalment is going into the LA Museum of Art? No, how was it catching up with Scotty? No normal father-son relationship. Or maybe he didn’t want one. Whatever the reason he always asked me the same three questions knowing what the answers would be. Now he was the one in denial. He had to have suspected something after last night. Especially since my door was locked, otherwise he wouldn’t be acting so weird. He didn’t want to admit his son just might, possibly… could be… is gay.

  I glared at him and rolled my eyes when he said nothing more. He sighed and went back to awkwardly standing by. I continued to stir my cereal half-heartedly; at this point I blanked him out. He got the memo and stopped asking me questions. All I wanted was for my dad—the man I was supposed to admire and look up to—to be okay with the idea I was, not maybe, but was gay. I wanted for nothing more than to tell him I was dating. It might not be who he would necessarily approve of, but I was getting myself out there, and had finally broken out of my shell. I wanted my father’s acceptance more than anything right now, and I knew I might never get it, and if I did, I’d have to fight.

  Would this even be worth fighting for? Did I want the acceptance from someone who clearly was avoiding the truth? If he acted this way now, how would he act when I finally did come out? Kick me out? Call me every gay slur in the book? There’s really no sense worrying about what my father thought. Yes, I wanted his acceptance. Now I was out to myself, Scotty, my sister, and some of my friends. I was with Scotty. I saw my life heading in the right direction. Besides, I’d been trying for years to get him to accept me for me.

  I don’t think my mother would allow my father to kick me out, but you never know. The thing that bothered me most wasn’t what his reaction would be; but not knowing why there was hatred behind me being gay. What’s the issue? I was the one going through it. I was the one being bullied. The one who must hide who he was, not him. I dumped the remnants of my cereal and milk down the sink, ran the garbage disposal, cleaned my bowl and went upstairs. I checked on Scotty again, he was still asleep.

  I closed my bedroom door, turned on the radio, and picked up my sketch pad.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN: FOLLOW

  Scotty and I had been dating for two going on three months but with all his work we barely saw each other. Winter break started in a few weeks. Soon we’d have all the time to spend together and we couldn’t wait. Just after the New Year I would start my second semester and be taking a more in-depth art class. I got a head start on our assignment for winter break. We were to capture the human spirit through a portrait. Scotty became my muse. He was a kid at heart and loved the outdoors which was one of the things I liked most about him. I decided to use this to my advantage by sketching him outside.

  We decided to go for a hike near Laguna Beach and venture a little off the beaten path and stumbled upon a somewhat secluded area where Scotty could don his birthday suit and we wouldn’t get caught.

  “If you want me to draw you, you’re going to have to remain still,” I reminded him.

  “I know, sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “How are you enjoying your birthday?” Scotty asked.

  “It’s been nice so far.”

  I thought back to this morning. My family went out for breakfast at a place Stephen and I picked out. After eating, they sang happy birthday to us then we were able to open our presents. We started with Amy’s gifts. She smiled wider than I’d seen her smile since moving here when she handed Stephen and I our presents. I loved my little sister, she always got excited about giving gifts, saying it’s always better to see the look on someone else’s face when you got them something they loved. Amy got me a nice sketch pad she’d purchased at Sherman’s Book Store back home, with it a set of colored pencils.

  Jen and Rich had learned about a gallery in the area that had a wall where they displayed independent artists. Their gift was a six inch-by-six-inch blank canvas I could decorate however I liked. The note that came with the canvas included the rules and showed how each piece was as arranged in a mosaic collage. Our parents gave their gifts last. Mom handed us each a small box with a card attached to them.

  “Go on and open them,” Dad said.

  I opened the card first.

  Here marks a big step in your life, a fresh start.

  A crucial time to discover who you are.

  Fill this with memories lasting a lifetime!

  Love, Mom & Dad

  I opened the box and pulled out a Canon Powershot digital camera. It was shiny and deep red, exactly what I would have picked out. I looked over at Stephen; he held up its twin, only his was jet black.

  “Nice, thanks Mom and Dad,” we said in unison.

  “You’re welcome, they should be fully charged,” Mom said.

  “So, the big one-eight, how does it feel?” Dad asked.

  “The same as last night when I was seventeen, only a day older,” I replied.


  Everyone laughed and we took a few family photos. I smiled, thinking about how simple, and yet perfect mine and Stephen’s birthday was. The rest of the day I had set aside time to hang out with Scotty.

  “I’m still surprised my parents were okay with me doing my own thing this evening.”

  “To be fair Stephen made his own plans too.”

  “True. Stop moving.”

  “Sorry.” Scotty blushed.

  “I’m just glad my birthday is on a Saturday this year. I get to spend the day doing what I want.”

  “Do you want to stay the night?”

  “Sure. You know how hard it is to concentrate when you look like that,” I said smiling at him.

  I eyed him up and down. I wanted everything about this portrait to be as natural as possible. This included what Scotty wore, or in this case what he didn’t wear. Our surroundings had the classic California coastal forest vibe. I had him lean against a patch of trees and focused on his imperfections, contrasting those to the environment around him made things easier. While he had the most beautiful brown eyes I’d ever seen, they were slightly more off set than normal.

  “Sorry.” He winked. “Is it okay to move? I’ve been standing like this for almost an hour,” he complained.

  I laughed. “You would never make it as a model.”

  “I did it for a few years, not worth the hassle. So, can I move?”

  “Yes.”

  I watched him pushed himself off the tree he was leaning against and feasted my eyes on his body before turning my attention back to the drawing.

  “You can’t see it yet,” I said while I continued to draw.

  “Yeah, yeah I know you don’t like showing your work off until its finished. Can I at least steal a quick kiss?”

  I stopped and looked over at him. He was standing with his hands together and in front of his crotch, patiently waiting in front of the easel. Mist had by now dampened his body. How could I refuse? I smiled and set my pencil down and walked over to him. He took my face in his hands, leaned down and kissed me. Our foreheads rested against each other, and our breath flowed in perfect harmony.

  “I love you,” Scotty said before kissing me again.