He nodded. ‘So when did you grieve?’
It was a question that Raina didn’t know quite how to answer. ‘I...don’t know. Somewhere in between settling Andrew and Theresa’s estate and working through the adoption process for Anya.’
‘And did you speak with anyone about it?’
He’d asked the question before and she’d shut him down. This time Raina couldn’t. ‘No, not really. If I’d spoken about it, it would all have seemed too much to bear. Keeping it all to myself kept me strong.’
‘That’s not the Raina I used to know.’ Alistair was looking at her thoughtfully.
‘Life has a habit of changing us.’
Maybe he saw the same thing that had just become clear to Raina. That she understood his silence a little better, because it was what she’d just admitted to doing herself. She’d bottled up her own grief because she’d had to help her parents and Anya.
And she still hadn’t told him everything. The grief at finding she couldn’t have more children was hers alone. Alistair was an honourable man, and if she’d told him about that while they were still married he would have felt duty bound to stop the divorce and try again. But there had been nothing left any more to try for.
Everyone had their secrets. Those few things that they never discussed. The more she thought about it, the more her own actions seemed similar to the ones she’d condemned Alistair for.
‘Did you ever take some time for yourself?’
‘The first anniversary hit everyone hard, but afterwards things started to get a little better. Then my own grief hit me and I cried for a long time. Every night, for months. Then I could move forward.’
Alistair said nothing for a long time, seeming deep in thought. ‘I guess...we all need to feel our losses. However painful it is, it helps us move forward.’
That seemed to be all he was willing to venture on the subject. But another chunk of the barrier between them had crumbled away. And the Alistair that she was beginning to see wasn’t so very different from the person she saw when she looked in the mirror.
‘Would you like me to make some tea?’ He spoke again.
An echo of the past. One where they’d get back home, both exhausted from their day’s work, and fall onto the sofa together. Alistair would make her tea and they’d go to bed, curling up in each other’s arms to sleep.
‘Yes, thanks. Tea would be nice.’
* * *
Raina had shown him up to the small spare bedroom, apologising that it was a bit cramped and hoping he’d be comfortable. Right now, all he wanted to do was to lie down and let the day slip away in sleep.
She was braver than even he had thought she might be. When they’d divorced, all their assets had been divided up in a simple fifty-fifty split. It had been enough for Alistair to put a deposit down on a house and start again. Their salaries had been much the same, both young doctors working hard to build their careers. He’d imagined that Raina would have had the ability buy a place much the same as his.
And now he felt guilty. Raina’s small cottage felt like a palace, but that was because it was full of her own little touches. Pictures on the mantelpiece. Candles in the hearth and warm colours for cushions and curtains. Anya’s toys, and Raina’s books. The tiny garden was full of flowers, with plants to attract butterflies and bees, and a bird table. But she didn’t have the room that Alistair’s house provided him with, and it was clear that she’d done most of the decoration herself.
She’d made the decision that he had struggled with. When she’d told him that she was pregnant, he’d worried about how he was going to support her and the baby. His only thought had been how he could keep up with the mortgage and afford to give his wife and child everything. But Raina had taken a different approach. She’d given up work and downsized, counting her pennies and spending them wisely. She’d embraced the life that he’d dreaded and had made a home that was filled with love.
And that home didn’t include him. He could take a look at her life, like a child staring through the window of a toyshop, but he couldn’t be a part of it any more. Alistair turned over restlessly in bed. If he couldn’t give her everything any more, then he could still give her and Anya something.
He slept well and woke early, waiting in bed until he’d heard that Raina and Anya had finished in the bathroom. Then he showered and went downstairs. Anya looked at him wide-eyed, clearly not expecting to see him.
‘You see, I told you that you’d have Uncle Alistair to play with today...’ Raina shot him a smile. ‘How did you sleep? I hope we didn’t wake you.’
‘No...’ Alistair sat down at the kitchen table, greeting Anya, and Raina put a cup of coffee down in front of him. ‘Why were you up in the night?’
Anya had a nightmare. She mouthed the words over her daughter’s head.
‘There was a monster.’ Anya turned to him, her dark eyes serious.
‘And what happened? He can’t have eaten you, because you’re right here,’ Alistair replied.
‘I shouted and shouted. And Mummy came and bashed him.’
‘It was just a shadow on the curtain, sweetie.’ Raina laughed, sitting down at the table.
Anya turned to him, stretching over to whisper in his ear, ‘It was a real monster. Mummy frightened him and he jumped out of the window.’
‘I’m sure she did. Mummy’s terribly brave. And pretty frightening when she wants to be.’ He heard Raina’s snort of laughter.
‘Yes, she is.’
‘Good thing she’s on our side, eh?’
Anya considered the question carefully. ‘Yes. It’s a good thing.’
How on earth had he not heard the commotion? Perhaps he had and didn’t remember getting up, but Alistair was pretty sure he’d slept like a baby. Monster-free, all night.
Then he realised. If he slept on his right side, then he was to all intents and purposes completely deaf, his hearing aid on the bedside cabinet and his good ear buried in the pillow. And he’d woken on his right side this morning...
So much for the newfound feeling that maybe he could have risen to the challenge that Raina had. He couldn’t even be there to fend off shadows on the curtains and help calm Anya’s fears.
‘Toast?’ Raina’s voice came to his rescue. ‘Or would you prefer cereal?’
‘Toast, thank you.’ He grinned up at her as she reached into one of the kitchen cabinets and put a jar of peanut butter on the table. She’d remembered... ‘I haven’t had peanut butter and toast in ages.’
‘You’ll need a good breakfast. You never know when you’re going to find yourself on monster duty.’
‘I’ll give it a go. If they look too scary I might just have to call you in.’ He smiled at Anya. ‘Your mum’s the best monster-fighter I know.’
Anya nodded. She knew that already. And Alistair knew already that, try as he may, he’d never make the kind of parent that Raina did.
* * *
Raina had done the washing up and then found herself at a loose end. Alistair was absorbed once more in the business of playing with Anya, and it appeared that she could take the day off. But she couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do more than watch him.
Anya had shown him the garden, the things they’d planted together, and the tree where the fairies lived. The butterfly bush, and the bird table. He’d played football with her on the grass, and Anya had copied his victory dance when she’d managed to get the ball past him and score a goal. Raina sipped her tea, relaxing in the sunshine. It all looked exhausting.
And he seemed to be getting somewhere. The games all led to one moment. The one where he sat with her on the sitting-room floor, passing a small squishy ball from one hand to the other and gently dropping it into Anya’s lap. The two of them talked for a while, and then Alistair reached for the box that had lain unnoticed on the floor next to the sofa.
He took out the prosthetic, talking to her all the time. Anya shook her head and he put it down on the floor, out of sight. They batted the ball back and forth between them and he tried again. This time Anya picked up the prosthetic, using it as a scoop to send the ball flying back in his direction. Alistair retrieved it and sat down with her again.
He was so patient. So kind. Raina held her breath as he rolled the soft fabric liner onto her arm, and carefully fitted the prosthetic over it, activating the suction pad. Then he took the ball and held it out to her.
She didn’t know what to do. Anya had managed with one hand so long that she didn’t understand that she could throw the ball better using two. Alistair gently helped her, curling his hands around her arms, showing her how to pick the ball up.
‘That’s really good, Anya. Shall we show Mummy?’ He looked up at her and Raina wiped away the tears that had formed in her eyes.
‘What have you got to show me?’ Raina got up out of her chair and sat down cross-legged on the floor.
Alistair helped Anya to pick the ball up and roll it across the floor. Raina retrieved it and rolled it back and Anya reached for it with one hand. Alistair guided her other arm forward, and she picked the ball up.
Raina could only watch, her throat blocked with emotion. Alistair stepped in with a little encouragement. ‘Nice one, Anya. Let’s see if we can score a goal, shall we?’
Her first try landed right in Raina’s lap, so there was no opportunity to let the ball past her. Alistair gave an exaggerated groan of disappointment. ‘Well done. We’ll get her the next time.’
Raina rolled the ball back and Anya threw it again. This time it shot past her and bounced against the wall.
‘Way to go! Victory dance?’ Alistair got to his feet. Together he and Anya did their victory dance, and Raina laughed, clapping her hands together.
* * *
Anya had used the arm for about an hour and then Alistair had decided she’d had enough. After lunch, another session with building bricks, when Anya had unexpectedly used the prosthetic arm to support herself as she climbed to her feet.
‘I don’t know how to thank you.’ Raina stood with him in the doorway, wishing he didn’t have to go.
‘I’ve had a great time. I should be thanking you.’ He slung his weekend bag over his shoulder. ‘You’ll try her again with it tomorrow?’
‘Yes. I hope I can get her to wear it.’ This meant so much to Raina. She wasn’t sure that she’d be able to be as patient and relaxed about it as Alistair had been.
‘Just offer it to her and if she doesn’t want it then put it to one side. You’ll bring her in on Tuesday?’
‘Yes, what time?’
‘I thought lunchtime. I’ll take you both to lunch and then we can go somewhere.’
‘Haven’t you got work to catch up on?’ Raina dismissed the thrill that the idea of spending a whole afternoon with Alistair provoked. ‘You know...all the things you haven’t done this weekend.’
‘That can wait. I think it’s important that we keep up the momentum and consolidate the progress we’ve made.’ He smiled, mischief dancing in his tawny eyes. ‘And I had such a great time this weekend.’
‘I did too. Let me bring some lunch.’ Raina couldn’t afford to take him out for an afternoon tea, but she could make something nice. ‘Then perhaps we could go to the Science Museum?’
He chuckled. ‘Is this an outing for me or for Anya?’
‘She’ll like it too.’
‘In that case, it’s a deal. I can’t wait.’
He turned to go, and Raina reached out, touching his arm. Before she could stop herself, or think about the consequences, she’d stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. ‘Thank you, for all you’ve done for Anya.’
The look in his eyes wouldn’t let her free. As Raina brushed her lips against his, she felt him shiver.
‘What’s that one for?’
If she told him, she wouldn’t be able to go back. If he knew just how much she wanted him right now, maybe he wouldn’t be able to go back either.
‘That one’s just from me.’
He nodded, his fingers brushing his lips, right where she’d kissed him. ‘Then I’ll treasure it.’
Alistair turned and walked to his car. Raina watched him go, waving as the car drew away. The house seemed so quiet now without him. She tiptoed upstairs and into Anya’s room, leaning over to kiss her forehead.
Before Anya had gone to bed, Alistair had checked thoroughly and proclaimed the room entirely monster-free. Maybe if Anya woke, she’d think of him and be reassured. And if Raina managed to sleep at all, maybe she’d dream of him.
* * *
Raina sat on the park bench, sunshine filtering through the trees that surrounded the small square outside The Watchlight Trust’s offices. Anya was running around the small square of grass, letting off steam after a play session with Kaia, and Alistair had gone to fetch coffee.
It had become an afternoon ritual. The high railings around the square meant that it was safe for Anya to run around if Raina kept her eye on her, and she and Alistair could get some fresh air and talk.
He sauntered towards her, two cups of coffee in his hands. So like it had once been... Raina dismissed the thought and accepted the coffee with a smile.
‘So... How’s it all going with Kaia?’ He sat down on the bench next to her.
‘Really well. She has a nice way with Anya, and she loves working with children. Her understanding of the way the prosthetics are made means that she’s able to be very responsive to Anya’s needs.’
Alistair nodded. ‘Yeah, she’s doing well. I’m thinking of asking her to head up the technical side of the project team. Ben’s expressed an interest in moving on to something different in a few weeks’ time, when we’ve got the finishing touches to the prosthetic designs sorted out.’
‘That sounds like a good idea. For both of them. Kaia’s interested in seeing the project through, and Ben’s always got something new in his sights.’ Raina had come to respect the way Alistair organised the charity’s work teams, always listening to what each individual wanted and trying to develop their talents.
‘And how about you? I’m keen to know if there’s anything you think we could be doing better on this project.’
That was another way in which Alistair gained the respect of both his staff and his patients. He was always willing to listen, and Raina had realised how much it had hurt him when he was struggling to hear. Now that he was coping better with his deafness, he seemed more confident about his place in the world.
‘I think...it’s been a great experience, and I know that the other parents think so too. There is one thing, though.’
Alistair grinned. ‘Okay. Fire away.’
‘When we started out, I was pretty sure of what to expect. I knew the medical issues and it was really only the idea of what the Dream Team could and couldn’t do that I had to get to grips with. But I know that some of the parents felt a little overwhelmed by it all.’
‘They did?’ Alistair’s face clouded. ‘Gabriel and I did our best to explain everything...’
‘Yes, I know, and you did a great job. But some of them were coming to me to ask questions because they knew I’m a parent as well as a doctor. We ended up forming our own little support group.’
‘Yes, I noticed that when all the parents were in the office together you all adjourned to the park for lunch. I thought that something of the sort was going on, and decided not to interfere. I reckoned you’d ask for my input if you needed it.’
Raina grinned. ‘Yes. That’s what I’m doing now. It worked well for us, because I’m a doctor and I understood a lot of the issues. But for other groups...’
Alistair nodded. ‘So what are you saying? That we should make it official and form a patient support group for each intake of children? Wouldn’t t
hat undermine the whole point? It worked because it was an informal group.’
He hadn’t taken the bait yet. Raina reckoned he would if she dangled it for long enough. ‘I was just thinking that The Watchlight Trust could provide the facilities, a place to sit and maybe drinks, and that the group could use them to discuss whatever it wanted. Just a few sessions, maybe one a week, with a parent who’s been through the process already.’
He nodded. ‘It would be ideal if that parent happened to have the medical knowledge to answer questions as well. That kind of person’s pretty hard to find.’
Raina resisted the temptation to tip the rest of her coffee into his lap. It was still lukewarm, and it might scald. ‘Don’t play hard to get with me, Alistair. It doesn’t suit you.’
He chuckled. ‘Oh, so you think easy suits me?’
It suited him a lot better than stand-offish and prickly. But, then, Raina hadn’t been at her best when they’d started working together either. These last few weeks had seen a change in both of them.
‘Easy is just fine.’
‘Okay, then. It’s been suggested to me that an informal family support group might be beneficial. I think it’s a splendid idea and was wondering whether you’d be able to help us out with that. Since you’re both a doctor and a parent.’
‘Yes, I’d be happy to help.’ Raina wrinkled her nose at him.
‘That’s great. Any ideas on how it might work?’ He pulled a face back.
‘Well, I could put some notes together for an introductory session. What to expect, and so on. We could take it from there maybe.’
‘What do you think about involving one of the counsellors from the clinic?’ Alistair had made sure that all the parents knew that they could use the counselling service that the clinic next door to the charity’s offices ran.
‘Yes, that would be a good idea. Maybe for just one of the sessions, so that the parents could get to know them and feel more confident about approaching you for counselling help if they needed it.’
Second Chance with the Single Mom Page 8