Strings of the Heart

by Katie Ashley

  “Okay,” she replied, reluctantly.

  After I hustled back to my suite, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. When I returned to Allison, she was walking around the bedroom with both twins in her arms as they continued crying. After scrolling through a few playlists, I picked one. Then I placed my phone on the docking station beside the bed. As I reached out for Jax, the sounds of Abby and Jake singing, I’ll Take You with Me echoed through the room. At the sounds of their parents’ blending voices, Jax and Jules’s cries started to quiet. The longer the song played, the more content they grew.

  As Allison shifted Jules in her arms, Jules gave a contented coo as she lay her head on Allison’s chest. Glancing down at Jax, I asked, “How’s that, Jaxy boy? You like hearing your old man and your mama making music?” I asked. He stopped gumming his fist to smile up at me. “I thought you would. They sound good together, don’t they? They make a good team.”

  When I glanced up, Allison appeared almost teary as she watched me with Jax. Once again, the familiar ache burned in my chest. It always happened whenever I tried to ignore the feelings I had for Allison. Under her intense stare, it was almost hard to breathe. Part of me wanted to stop the pain by just admitting to her about how much I cared. But the stubborn ass in me overrode those thoughts and clung to the notion that we simply couldn’t be together.

  Deciding to change the subject, I jerked my chin at Jules. “She’s asleep.”

  Allison’s eyes lit up. “Really?” she whispered. When I nodded, she eyed Jax. “He’s almost there.”

  “Think we could lay them down?”

  “We could try.” She then stepped over to the Pack ‘N Play next to Jake and Abby’s massive king-sized bed. She eased Jules down onto the mattress as if she was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute. Once she pulled her hands away, she waited a moment to see if Jules would start crying. When she didn’t, Allison eased a pacifier into Jules’s mouth, and then stepped back.

  With a wave of her hand, I stepped forward to bring Jax over. His eyelids were fluttering like he was desperately fighting sleep. After I lay him down, his eyes popped open, and he stared up at me as if daring me to try to walk away. “Easy buddy,” I whispered, as I patted his tummy. Allison squeezed in beside me to slide a pacifier between Jax’s lips. Once he was sucking voraciously, his eyes started to droop, and then he was finally asleep.

  When I stepped back from the bed, Allison and I both exhaled a ragged sigh in unison. “That was intense,” I murmured in a low voice.

  “Yeah, it was.”

  Standing side by side with her across from an extreme cuteness overload of two sleeping babies was just a little too much for me. In a weird way, it was like we had been parenting together, and that was far too much of a commitment than I could ever allow myself with Allison. We were not meant to be, regardless of whatever I continued to feel. “Well, I guess now that everything is under control, I’ll head back to my room.”

  After grabbing the baby monitor off the nightstand, she gave me a sincere smile. “I owe you a big thank you. I don’t think I could have survived without your help.”

  “No need to thank me. I was glad to help,” I replied. After I grabbed my phone, I started out of the bedroom. Allison followed me out and then closed the door of Jake and Abby’s bedroom.

  We stood there, staring at each other, both silently daring the other one to mention the white elephant in the room. After what felt like an eternity, neither one of us spoke up to acknowledge it. “Yeah, well, I’ll see you later,” I muttered before starting for the door.

  When I reached for the doorknob, Allison’s voice caused me to freeze. “Rhys, wait.”

  I whirled around. “What is it?”

  Nibbling her lip, she appeared to be trying to find the right way to tell me something. Finally, she just blurted, “Eli has asked me out on a date. Alone.”

  That motherfucker. It wasn’t enough he had dry-humped and kissed her last night on the dance floor, but now he was upping the ante by wanting to take her out to wine and dine her. Alone. Jake was going to love the hell out of that. At her expectant look, I knew I needed to get out of there before I betrayed any of my emotions. “Good for him. I hope you have a great time,” I replied, unable to contain my sarcasm.

  “That’s all you have to say?” she asked, her expression one of betrayal.

  I shrugged. “Were you looking for my permission or something? You told me last night I’m not Jake, so what does it matter to me what you do?”

  Tears pooled in her eyes, causing me to feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. But of course, it didn’t make me man up and tell her how I felt about her. No, I was still letting myself be deluded into the notion that I was doing what was best for the both of us. While Jake wasn’t keen on the idea of Eli dating Allison, he would feel a hell of a lot different if it were me—his bandmate and brother.

  “I just thought…” She shook her head. “Never mind.”

  “You thought what?” I urged.

  Her dark eyes took on a pleading expression as they bore into mine. “Regardless of how badly it ended last night, I don’t believe you could be so callous as to use me the way you did,” she replied, in a hushed whisper.

  Seeing her trembling body, coupled with the haunted look in her eyes, broke me. I almost barreled right through the wall that I had so carefully constructed between us by ensuring her that she wasn’t wrong about last night. It had almost been my undoing.

  And then at the most inopportune moment, a scene from my childhood flashed in my mind. It reiterated to me once and for all where my horrible sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from. I was sick and home from school—a seven-year-old boy who desperately wanted some of his mother’s love and attention. Peeking through the banister, I watched as her heels clicked along the marble floor as she headed out the door to some charity function. Just as she reached the door, I raced down the stairs to grab hold of her waist. “Stay with me, Mommy.”

  Her venomous voice rang in my ears as if she were standing right in front of me. “Rhys, I told you earlier that I do not have time for you today! Go back to Trudie.” Desperately, I clung to her, but she shook me off as she always did. After all, I was always too much of a bother for her to pay any attention to. She stared down at my frail form. “Why can’t you do as you’re told? God, you’re almost as worthless as your sister!”

  I had barely been able to make out her face through the blur of my tears. “Don’t you love me, Mommy?” I had asked in a soft voice.

  “I could love you more if you weren’t such a nuisance.”

  That day my mother had once again broke my already fragile heart into even more unfixable pieces. I toughened up after that, but the hurt was always there. With such a loveless past, how was it possible that I could ever give Allison all that she needed? No, I had to stay strong. I had to keep my true feelings concealed. As much as I wanted to, I could not give in. I had to drive her away once and for all.

  Crossing my arms over my shoulder, I asked, “So you were thinking that having angry sex in a club bathroom was supposed to have some underlying meaning besides just fucking?”

  A lone tear streaked down her cheek. When she raised her hand, I thought she might slap me—I sure as hell deserved it—but instead, she used it to swipe the tear away. “You can say what you want to save face, Rhys, but I know you better than that. It may have started out as ownership, or just sex, but you wanted to kiss me. You wanted me just as much as you had three months ago.”

  “Keep telling yourself that, little girl.”

  Her face crumpled, and she turned and fled to her bedroom. When the door slammed behind her, I jumped. Her sobs filled the air around me, piercing through my chest like knives. I wished for the moment that she was more like Abby and Mia—that she had verbally berated me for the bastard I was. But no, tears were worse, especially for a girl…or woman like Allison.

  Unable to stand the sound of her cries any
longer, I fled from Jake and Abby’s suite. I bypassed my room and kept stalking down the hallway. When I got to the elevator, I hit the button for the lobby. Once I got downstairs, I headed straight for the revolving doors that took me out into the city.

  Then I began to walk aimlessly up and down the streets. I stopped for coffee and something to eat at a small diner. But no matter how long or how far I walked, one thing was still true. Once again, I’d behaved like an utter asshole to Allison—a far cry from the gentleman I’d been raised to be. After all, it was only the best for Mommy and Daddy Dearest. But worse than the despicable things I’d said was the fact I’d lied to her. Again. Why the fuck did I keep doing that?

  Last night had meant something. Somehow being inside Allison for that short amount of time had once again made me feel complete. But it had fucking broken me when she wouldn’t let me kiss her. In the end, she had been right. I sure as hell didn’t deserve her sweet lips. Because of my jealousy, I’d gone off half-cocked to prove that she belonged to no other man. Then I had been a bastard by refusing emotionally to claim her.

  Taking out my phone, I Googled a location that I knew would provide some relief to my suffering. Two blocks over, I slipped inside the darkened room of a strip club. Coming here sure as hell wasn’t one of my finest moments, but I needed to break my three-month sexual fast, even if it was just a small release. I desperately needed something simple and no-strings attached. If I could free myself of Allison, then in turn, I could set her free from me as well.

  With a fifty, I motioned over one of the three girls dancing. She was also the only blonde. I sure as hell didn’t want a brunette. With a welcoming smile, she swiveled her hips as she came over to me. “Hey, sugar, you want a private dance?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I mumbled.

  “I’m Sierra,” she said.

  “Rhys,” I replied, not even bothering to give a fake name.

  Hopping down from the stage, she took me by the hand and led me back to a private room. A stacked bouncer eyed us before we dipped inside the room. She eased me down on the couch. When her hands went up to undo the strings on her flimsy top, bile lurched in my throat, and I felt like I would throw up. “Wait. Stop,” I croaked.

  Her hands left her top. One came to rest on my cheek. “What’s the matter, sugar? Is this your first time? You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll take real good care of you.”

  I shook my head. “That’s not it. This was a mistake.” When I started to rise off the sofa, she pushed me back down. Instead of slithering across my lap, she sat down next to me.

  “Having girlfriend or wife troubles?” When I didn’t respond, she asked, “Boyfriend troubles?”

  A nervous laugh escaped my lips. “I’m not gay.”

  She shrugged. “Some guys come here when they’re trying to sort out who they are. If you want, I have the name of a club that might have more of what you need.”

  I held up my hand. “Trust me, a dude is not the problem.”

  Her hand came to rest on my thigh. “Then what is?”

  Closing my eyes, I couldn’t believe I was not only sitting in a strip club, but I was about to unburden my troubles on a stripper. She was hardly a therapist. But for some strange fucking reason her open objectivity loosened my usually stubborn tongue. I sure as hell wasn’t one to share my feelings with just anybody, but Sierra’s willingness to listen compelled me to open up. “So you really want to know?”

  She nodded. “I’m on your dime, or your fifty, right now. I’ll do whatever you want to do, including listening.”

  After drawing in a deep breath, I told Sierra the whole story. Her eyes widened in a few places, and she gasped in horror. When I finished, she smacked my chest. “What the hell is your problem?”

  “I’d love to know.”

  “You march your ass back to that hotel room right now and beg for that girl’s forgiveness.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Yes, it is. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?”

  “Hell no.”

  “Then it’s that simple.” Taking my hand in hers, she squeezed it. “Do you know how lucky you are to have someone so wonderful to love you? People search their entire lives to find it, and most end up desperately alone during the pursuit. You just have to stop being afraid of the ‘what-ifs’. The ‘what-ifs’ of this Jake guy being pissed at you or the ‘what-ifs’ of you being afraid you can’t love Allison like you should. It’ll all come together because it’s meant to be.”

  As I sat there on the leather sofa with my sage stripper, I couldn’t believe how everything had fallen together. Not to mention that the catalyst for my self-discovery had been in a strip club. “You’re really wise, you know that?”

  Sierra smiled. “Years of hearing people’s troubles, sugar.”

  Digging into the pocket of my jeans, I coupled a hundred with the fifty I originally had. “Here. But it isn’t really enough to show you my gratitude.”

  Shaking her head, Sierra took the bills from me. “While the money is nice, you’re only going to show me your gratitude by not fucking things up with this girl.” She eyed me pointedly. “Are you going to go beg her forgiveness now and tell her how much you care about her?”

  I nodded my head. “Today. I swear.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear it.” Rising off the couch, she held out her hand for me. “Now get the hell out of here.”

  With a laugh, I let her help me up. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Leaning over, Sierra planted a kiss on my cheek. “This Allison is a lucky woman to have you.”

  “I hope after everything I’ve done, she will believe that.”

  “Keep the faith, sugar.”

  I nodded, and then hurried out of the strip club. One glance at my phone told me I needed to haul ass back to the hotel. The car would be leaving to take us to the auditorium soon. Unfortunately, I’d given all my cash to Sierra, and my debit card was in my wallet back in the hotel room. I’d have to run to make it back on time.

  After drawing in a deep breath, I started sprinting back to the hotel, but more importantly back to Allison. Now I knew I was ready. I was ready for all that would come with loving Allison. I sure as hell didn’t deserve her, but I wanted—no I had—to make her mine. As for Jake, well, he’d just have to accept that fact. After all, he was just her brother, not her father.

  No, I wasn’t going to fuck up my life any longer. I needed Allison in my life, and I was going to prove to her that I could love. She had faith in me, and I would die trying to prove her right.

  After crying myself to sleep, I woke up to Jake and Abby returning from the doctor. The diagnosis was food poisoning, which was terrible considering they had eaten with Jake’s family the night before. Even after getting fluids, they were still a little weak and collapsed into a deep sleep. After Jax and Jules woke up again, I moved their Pack ‘N Play into my room to let Jake and Abby get some more rest before their rehearsal at two.

  Playing with the twins was a welcome relief to get my mind off Rhys. I truly felt like I was at a breaking point with his emotional whiplash. With the way things were at the moment, I couldn’t imagine making it through the rest of the tour. Although I would hate to let Jake and Abby down, I didn’t see how I could stay on as their nanny. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t give a shit about the internship. I just cared about my crumbling sanity that had been wrecked by Rhys. The man that I had loved for seven years and the man I’d spent time with in Savannah was not the man I saw now. He didn’t want to change, and I had to accept that.

  At one¸ Jake and Abby reluctantly pulled themselves from their bed, so we could all head to the arena for rehearsal. We took the tour bus since the twins were in tow. Abby never liked for them to be far from her, so we didn’t stay back at the hotel until show time.

  After we arrived at the arena, Abby and I worked to get the twins to sleep in one of the empty dressing rooms. But unfortunately, they were fussy and didn’t wa
nt to lie down. They were enjoying their time with Abby too much to sleep.

  Finally, they started to calm a little when Abby took them both in her arms and began rocking them in the antique rocking chair they carried with them on tour. With their eyes beginning to droop, Abby glanced at the clock. “Shit, it’s almost time for me to be out there. Can you go tell Jake it’s just going to be a little while longer?”

  “I can put them down for you,” I said.

  She shook her head. “No, they want me, so I want to do it.”

  I nodded. “Okay, I’ll go tell him.”

  When I got out to the stage, Runaway Train was just finishing up, and it was time for Jake and Abby to run through their duets with Jacob’s Ladder playing the musical accompaniment.

  At the sight of me, Jake’s brow lined with worry. “Where’s Abby?”

  “The twins are taking a little longer to go down for their nap today, so she said to give her just a few minutes more.”

  Groaning, Gabe stopped twirling one of his drumsticks between his fingers. “Can’t she let you put them down? You’re the nanny after all.”

  Jake whirled around and pinned Gabe with a hard stare. “The most important thing in Abby’s life is being a mother. She worked hard to get those babies, so if she wants to delay rehearsal by thirty minutes so she can be a mom, then she’ll fucking do it.”

  “Okay, okay,” Gabe mumbled.

  Motioning me with his hand, Jake said, “Help us out a minute, Allie-Bean.”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Well, the fucking suits at the label want me and Abby to do an emo duet. Apparently, we sing too many happy love songs. Abby picked one out, and I’ve got to learn it. I have no clue about the song because I don’t listen to emo love songs.”

  I giggled. “No, I don’t imagine you do.”

  “While we’re waiting on Abby, could you play the piano and sing her part?”

  “Sure, I guess so. What’s the song?”