Close to Home

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Helen’s voice rang through the speakers of Dodie’s stereo. She didn’t care how loud she played her music. Right now she needed other words to drown out the ones replaying in her head since Jace dropped his bomb a few days ago.

  She wrapped her arms around her legs as she hunched on the couch, letting Helen’s words speak for her.

  “Pain without ceasing, shame without end. Pain that won’t leave, shame that won’t bend.”

  She knows exactly what happened to me, Dodie thought, laying her head on her knees. She understands what no one else can.

  The phone rang again and Dodie glanced at the handset sitting beside her on the couch.

  Unknown name. Unknown number.

  No one she needed to talk to.

  Dodie had phoned Janie yesterday to tell her she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming in again that day. She’d called her mother back last night, just to reassure her that, yes, she was still alive and she would feel better in a while.

  I’m going to be working with Carson MacGregor on a rape case.

  He didn’t know, but at the same time, the thought sent an arrow through her midsection.

  Through the music she heard someone knocking at the door.

  “Dodie. Open up. I need to talk to you.”

  Dodie’s heart plunged.

  Not Jace. Not now.

  “I know you’re in there,” he said, raising his voice. “I can hear the music and your car is still out in the parking lot.”

  Dodie gnawed on her lower lip. If she let him in, there would be a confrontation. Jace would not leave without some kind of explanation as to why she took off on him and as to why she’d been avoiding him again.

  She didn’t want to confront him, so she laid her head on her knees, wishing she could ignore the inevitability of seeing Jace again.

  “I’m not leaving and I’m not going to stop knocking until you open the door,” he called.

  “Hey, be quiet,” someone yelled down the hallway. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

  “See, Dodie. I’m just going to end up annoying your neighbors,” Jace bellowed above the music. “And it will be your fault.”

  Dodie clung to the faint hope that he would get the hint and leave her alone. Just as he had the last time.

  “Shut up down there or I’m coming up there.” Another voice joined in the fray, but this one came from downstairs.

  Dodie pushed herself off the couch, trudged to the door and took a moment to take a peek through the peephole.

  Jace stood in the hallway, wearing a faded denim shirt, a leather jacket, blue jeans, his arms crossed. He was also ignoring the man leaning out the door down the hallway yelling at both of them.

  With a sense of impending doom, Dodie opened the deadbolt, unlatched the chain, unlocked the door and opened it just a bit.

  “Just leave me alone,” she said through the narrow opening she had allowed, clinging to anger, the only defense she had against him.

  Jace slowly shook his head. “I’ve done that too much in the past and I’m not going to do that again.”

  “Shut that music off, will ya?” This from the man down the hall who now stood in the hallway. Downstairs she heard a door slam against the wall.

  “You should probably let me in,” Jace suggested, with a lift of his eyebrow.

  Dodie saw a shadow in the stairwell, shivered a moment, then quickly unlatched the door. She stood aside as Jace strode into her apartment.

  As she closed the door, she felt the room shrink. He seemed to fill up the space with his presence.

  “You’re listening to Helen Lennox?” Jace asked, tilting his head toward the stereo.

  “Seemed appropriate.” Dodie picked up the remote and hit the Off switch. Silence reigned. She wrapped her arms around herself and walked over to the couch, sinking down onto it. “So, what do you want?”

  Jace dropped into a wooden chair across from her, boring his eyes into hers.

  Dodie felt a sense of foreboding, but she resisted the temptation to look away. Don’t back down, she commanded herself.

  “I had planned a dozen of times what I was going to say,” he said. “But I always ended up going in circles because I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be asking you. I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I’m trying to defend myself and I don’t even know what I’m accused of.”

  He stopped and the quiet that rose between them felt thick with old questions and bittersweet memories.

  “I thought things had changed in the past few days. I was willing to leave the past in the past.” He shoved his hand through his neatly combed hair in a gesture of frustration. “Then, all of a sudden, you’re on the run again. I was angry at you when you left me at the office—when you left me to talk to Helen alone.”

  Dodie’s eyes flew to the date on her calendar. Printed in large letters were Helen’s name and the time.

  Jace followed the direction of her gaze.

  “You knew about the meeting,” he said.

  “I couldn’t go.”

  “Because I was going to be there.”

  Dodie nodded a tight yes.

  “I had an interesting conversation with Helen. She said something that I haven’t been able to forget. She said that she sensed you were dealing with a deep pain.” Jace’s voice grew quiet but Dodie sensed determination in his tone. “What do think she meant?”

  Dodie’s breath caught in her throat. “I’m not sure,” she said. “She probably is just imagining things. She’s had her own troubles. I’m sure she is kind of sensitive.”

  She was babbling, desperately trying to shore up her defenses.

  “I thought we were getting somewhere again,” he said, his voice vibrating with anger. “I thought we were getting to a point where we could trust each other.”

  As Dodie’s gaze rested on his mouth, she thought of the time they had spent together and the kisses they had shared. “I’m sorry, Jace.” She stifled a surge of regret as she thought of the possibilities she had entertained for a few wonderful days. Possibilities of her and Jace. How foolish she was to think she could keep the past behind her; to keep Carson separate from her life when he was so entwined with Jace’s.

  Jace pushed himself off the chair and stalked to the window. “I’m a criminal lawyer. I’m going to be taking on some extreme cases.” He then turned to her. “So why is this such a problem? Why has this become the line in the sand for you?”

  His words were like particles of salt grinding into an opening wound. She wanted to answer him, but the words, so long held down, were lodged in her throat.

  “You were drifting before you got on board with this fundraiser, Dodie,” Jace continued. “Just meandering along. I know you got involved to satisfy your mother.” He crouched down in front of her, looking up into her eyes, as if to make sure she couldn’t avoid him anymore. “But then, when you got involved, when you really got behind this, I got to see not only the Dodie I knew, but another side of you. Someone who deeply cares about the people in this community.” His tone softened and Dodie began trembling. “Please don’t start drifting again.”

  If he had stayed angry, it would have been so much easier to resist him. If he raised his voice again, like he had just a few moments ago.

  Then, when he reached up and ran his finger along her cheek, a sob grew in her throat.

  “Dodie, please tell me what is going on. What happened to you?”

  You and Carson are going to defend a rapist, she wanted to say.

  And she just couldn’t.

  She pushed his hand aside. “Doesn’t matter, Jace. That was a long time ago and it was in the past. You and me, this is never going to work, and we may as well realize it.”

  “What do you mean, never—”

  She sliced her hand through the air, as if to cut off his comment. “You want to live in the city and move up the corporate ladder. I want to stay here. In Riverbend. It’s not going to work.”

  She had to k
eep her anger up. Keep her emotions high. Because if she didn’t, he would find out and that she couldn’t bear.

  Jace just glared at her. “I don’t believe you.”

  “You’ll have to. As long as you’re willing to work with Carson on a case like that—” she began.

  “I told you—I’m a criminal lawyer. You used to want to be one yourself, before you started drifting along. And now you want to stay in this place and I want to move on.”

  Dodie held his gaze and then she saw his features soften.

  “I really thought things were starting to come together for us,” he said. “I thought we had come to a good place.”

  She had thought so, too. For a few heady days she had honestly thought they could start over. But there were too many barriers between them. And when he told her that he was willing to work with Carson to defend a rapist, she knew that she could never tell him.

  She knew he would never believe her. Just as he—her rapist—had told her.

  And once again his voice echoed in her mind: It’s your word against mine, missy. And who do you think they’re going to believe?

  She willed away the sound of that voice, the shame of that evening. “You better leave, Jace,” she said, a hard note entering her voice.

  “Why?”

  “Because this…us…like I said, it’s not going to work.”

  “You don’t want to make it work, do you?” Jace replied, his voice rising again. “Because it’s much easier to keep floating along, doing nothing, than it is to make something of yourself.”

  He moved closer and for a moment fear slithered in her belly.

  “You’re not telling me everything, Dodie. I can’t believe you’re willing to give up on us, just because of what I am and what I do.”

  She held his angry gaze and the wisp of a thought teased her. Tell him. Tell him everything.

  But even as the thought tantalized, she knew she couldn’t. The shame that had dogged her all these years was still too strong.

  And she cared too much for Jace to see rejection on his face.

  “It’s over, Jace,” she said, clinging to what little pride she had left. “It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over.”

  A voice in her head cried out, why are you doing this?

  But she fought it down. This was how it had to be. She had to keep him away from her or she was going to fall apart.

  “You’re not going to try, are you?”

  She feigned an indifferent shrug. “I don’t want to invest anymore in this. Please leave.” She clung to her anger, fanning its flames. “Have fun in Edmonton and enjoy your climb up the ladder.” She turned away from him, struggling to maintain her composure. “Just go. Now.”

  Before I fall apart, she added silently.

  There was a pause, then the door to her apartment opened and shut behind Jace.

  The sound was like a knife to her heart.

  Chapter Eleven

  He’s gone.

  The thought made Dodie choke back a sob.

  You could have told him, but you sent him away.

  He wouldn’t have believed me.

  You told him to leave.

  Only because I was scared to see the rejection in his eyes. Too see the disbelief when I told him about the rape.

  And who did it.

  Dodie wandered back to the couch, turned on the light beside it then sat down. She felt utterly, totally alone.

  You’re not alone.

  The still, quiet voice whispered into her consciousness and Dodie waited, letting it settle.

  You’re not alone.

  Dodie glanced at the end table where she’d put her Bible the other day. The day after she’d come back from talking to Helen Lennox.

  Dodie reached for the Bible and set it on her lap, fingering the gold-stamped words on the front. Then she flipped it open. She randomly searched through it, waiting for something to come out at her and catch her eye.

  Finally she turned back to Psalm 16, the one the pastor had read the Sunday she had gone to church.

  “Keep me safe O God. For in You I take refuge,” Dodie whispered, keeping at bay the silence and the darkness. She read on and when she came to the end, her voice grew. “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let your Holy One see decay.”

  Dodie felt the strength of these words sustain and comfort her. And yet, she felt a stirring of anger and sorrow. God had not, as the Psalm had said, made her lot secure. The boundary lines of her life had not fallen in pleasant places.

  She had been violated, as a woman, in one of the worst possible ways. She had lost her innocence, her trust and her self-respect.

  And all of that had caused her to lose the one man she had cared the most for.

  She closed the Bible, wishing she could be as sure about the promises it held as she used to be. She got up, pacing through her apartment, restless and afraid.

  “Why did you let that happen to me, Lord?” she cried out finally. “That man ruined my life. He robbed me of something I valued. He broke me.”

  The words echoed through the apartment, and for a moment Dodie wondered if she had done something horribly wrong, raging at God like that. Then she realized, she didn’t care.

  “You abandoned me. You made me go through that…horrible…horrible…” Her voice broke as she clenched her fists and shook them heavenward. “Why? What had I done wrong? I did everything you asked. I did all the right things.”

  Dodie felt impotent in her anger and didn’t know where to turn. She hauled the pillows off the couch and threw them over her shoulder. She yanked books off her computer desk and tossed them around the room.

  She snatched pictures off the wall.

  She grabbed the chair Jace had been sitting in and knocked it over.

  Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. Yet we considered him stricken by God.

  Dodie stopped in the middle of the living room, fighting back tears, just as she heard the door of her apartment open.

  Her heart plunged down a mine shaft and she spun around, ice splintering through her veins. She hadn’t locked the door. Someone was coming in.

  “Hey, Dodie. What’s up?”

  The light from the hallway shadowed the person standing there. But Dodie’s heart settled when she recognized who it was.

  Janie turned on the light of the main room, then frowned as her eyes took in the state of Dodie’s living room.

  “Honey, what happened here?”

  Dodie’s chest was heaving with anger, rage, and a sorrow so deep she hadn’t even begun to release it.

  Janie stepped over the toppled chair and caught Dodie by the arms. She gently led her to the couch and sat down.

  “Your hands are like ice. What’s going on? Did someone break in?”

  Dodie looked at her sister, as if trying to place her in the upheaval that had just gone on. Then reason entered her life again as she looked around the wreckage of her apartment.

  “No. No one broke in.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Give me a minute.” Dodie breathed in and out, willing her erratic heartbeat to settle as she closed the door on the memories. “Jace and I had a fight.”

  Janie gripped Dodie’s shoulders, her eyes flicking over her face, her hands pushing Dodie’s hair back as if checking for injuries.

  “No. He didn’t do any of this,” Dodie said, jerking her head back, looking away from her prying eyes. “It was all me. I just…lost my temper.”

  “You’re not trying to cover up for him, are you?”

  “No. Janie. Really.” Dodie got up and snatched up a pillow from the floor and fluffed it up. She clutched it a moment, gathering her scattered emotions, then laid it on one end of the couch. “I did all this after he left.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Dodie felt a flicker of anger and focused on it, fanning into a righteous flame. “You don’t have to make it sound like Jace is some kind of closet abuser. I know y
ou’ve never cared for him, but he would never, ever hurt me.” Her words came out with extra vehemence, underscored by the emotional roller coaster she had just been on.

  She then faced her sister, her tears dry now. “He’s a good guy, you know.”

  Janie met her eyes, then looked over the mess in the apartment. “What was the fight about?”

  “He’s going back to the city.” Even as she spoke the words, they sounded unconvincing. Jace’s return to the city wasn’t a surprise. She had to try harder.

  “But…you knew that.”

  “Well, yeah. But lately he made it sound as if he might stay. And I thought he was going to. But no, Carson calls and he jumps.”

  “Again, no surprise here.”

  “Like I said, I thought he was going to stay. I honestly thought things were going somewhere with us. I thought…after all this time…”

  Jane sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, hon, but I could have told you this was going to happen.”

  Dodie lifted her shoulders in a vague shrug. “Yeah, well…live and learn I guess.”

  Janie picked up one of the cushions and fingered the edge. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but is that why you took off for Europe that one summer? Because you and Jace had a fight?”

  Dodie felt her throat tighten. She swallowed and turned away as she shook her head, trying to find her footing, trying to find an argument her sister would buy to explain her trashing her own apartment. “It wasn’t Jace—it was me. I couldn’t stand the pressure of law school and felt the walls closing in. It seemed like everyone wanted something from me and I just couldn’t deliver anymore. So I left before I had a nervous breakdown.” Dodie drew in a steadying breath, pulling herself back to the place she had been before Jace had returned. “I wanted to rethink my life. To rethink what I wanted. To stop being the girl that everyone thought I should be.”

  Because that hadn’t done her any good.

  “And lately, I’ve been feeling the same expectations from Jace, from Mom…from everyone. And tonight, I just lost it.”

  “Oh, honey, you could have told us.” Janie caught Dodie by the shoulders and turned her around. “We knew something was wrong, we just never realized that you were feeling so much pressure.”