Affaire de Coeur

by Stephanie O’Hanlon

  She quickly sat forward, holding me in her arms. “You are breaking my heart. Do you know that?”

  I shook my head, “I miss him so much. It hurts so much.”

  She nodded, her head resting on my shoulder and her voice breaking. “I know. I know, but it gets better. I promise you that it does.”

  I nodded, pulling away from her and wiping my face. I scoffed, “It’s silly, still crying over this.”

  She shook her head. “No, it isn’t. You do not know how many nights I cried myself to sleep over Vachel and how many more I have spent crying over Armand.”

  I sniffed, looking down at my hands and pouting lightly. “So, you talked to him.”

  She nodded, wiping her cheek carefully so as not to disturb her rouge. “He did. He was the one who actually wished to talk to me. He sent word to me and wished me to meet him for coffee.”

  I looked up to her, swallowing hard. “Really?”

  She nodded.

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know what was said. A new topic, please.”

  She sighed, nodding. “All right. Gossip it is. Are you sure you are up for it?”

  I smiled lightly. “If anything, it will make me feel better.”

  She smiled and started talking gossip until my father returned at around nine in the evening. Colette took her leave to her grandmother’s house, where she was planning on spending the night and most of the next day.

  I stood in my peignoir in the middle of my father’s office, watching as he sat behind his desk.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You are not going to like it,” he said.

  My heart dropped, remembering Lucien’s words. Were my father and Lucien so alike? No, just coincidence. It had to be a coincidence.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “There was a problem with a few things, a few kinks I thought I had worked out on the road. I need to head to the midpoint and sort it out. I am going to have to leave and be gone for a few weeks.”

  “Again?” I asked, shocked, “You just got back!”

  He nodded, “I know. I know, but I need to get it sorted out before we get a frost and travels are worse. It is only for a few weeks. Four, maybe five at most.”

  “Five at most?” I turned from him, putting my hand to my forehead.

  “I know, but I cannot do anything to change it. I have to sort this out, Madeleine. This is our livelihood.” He sat forward, running his hand through his short-cropped hair.

  I let my head fall back, the waves of my hair bouncing against my back. “All right. So, I suppose Lily will take care of me?”

  He looked at me, shaking his head. “No.”

  “No? Then, what? Am I to travel with you?” I crossed my arms, my shoulders coming up awkwardly.

  He shook his head. “No…”

  “Then…what?” I shrugged.

  “Lily is going to be visiting family in Austria, so…you will be staying with Colette.”

  My mouth fell open. “What?”

  “I know that it is something you do not wish to visit upon again, but there really is no other choice,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Then, I will stay here by myself, and look after the manor,” I said, my arms falling to my stomach, which I held tightly.

  He shook his head. “You know that is not an option, Madeleine. I know it is going to hurt, but Colette will be there with you. It will be fine. It is only for a few weeks. Possibly less, if I clear things up sooner.”

  “How much less?” I asked. My eyes filled with tears. “I cannot go back there, Pa-pa. I can’t do it!”

  He stood up, walking around his desk and over to me. He took my shoulders in his hands and looked me in the eyes. “I can maybe get it done in three weeks, but you can do it. You can make it through. It is only for a little while. I give you my word.”

  I nodded. “All right. I have no choice, anyway.” I sniffed, wiping my tears away. How would I possibly face such a thing? “I am going to bed. I will need my strength.”

  He nodded, kissing me on the forehead. “I leave on Friday, so we will have the rest of the week together.”

  I nodded. “That’s something. Good night.”

  I turned and made my way out, walking through the dining room toward the staircase and climbing them to my bedchamber.

  I sat on the edge of my bed, aggravated tears building as I thought about my fate at the end of the week. I had to step foot in the house that I had run away from, the place where Lucien and I had shared so much.

  A few little taps came from the window behind me. I turned, looking over my shoulder to Colette sitting outside of it and waving at me.

  “Colette?”

  I got up, walking over to window, and opened it, letting her in. Her cloak was strewn around her shoulders, standing up straight, and her nightgown beneath it.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

  “Remember when we used to do this as children?” She smiled. “I am sure that our parents would wring our necks if they found out we walked the mile alone.”

  I looked over my shoulder, toward the doorway. “My father could hear us!”

  She shrugged, “So? There was always a chance they could hear. I see your father told you of coming back to the manor.”

  I nodded, putting my hand to my head. “Yes, he did.”

  “You are taking it rather well,” she said, turning and sitting down on the end of my bed and pushing her hair out of the way.

  I shook my head. “I have yet to let it really sink in. Apparently, I have until Friday to do so.”

  “It will be all right…I give you my word. We will keep busy. I will find ways of distracting you,” she said, hopping up.

  I shook my head. “I will end up ill once again, and we both know it. I just, even thinking about him here. Hours away from it all, and I just…I am barely coping.”

  My eyes filled with tears as she walked up to me, shaking her head.

  “I have no choice in it, anyway. I just…I need to be alone, Colette. I need to prepare for this.”

  She nodded, turning back to the window.

  “Thank you,” I said. “Good night.”

  She nodded again, turning back to me. “You know, Maddy, sometimes the impossible is more possible than it seems.”

  I swallowed a sob as she climbed through the window, back the way she came, and disappeared into the darkness.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  The carriage bounced about, and the trees came into the sight—those trees that used to comfort me. This time, I felt nothing but dread as we pulled through, the sun scattering through the leaves as they swayed in the wind, and the shadows casting on the carriage and past my face.

  It had been a tough week, though I grinned and bared it. I tried to enjoy what little time I had with my father. I saw him off in the morning and finished my own packing, starting off to Colette’s soon after.

  The carriage pulled to the right, circling around to the front of the manor. The large palace looked to me like a dim castle, filled with memories that I wanted to be long forgotten. Memories that haunted me every waking hour.

  Colette was waiting in a radiant, yellow robe à la Française, and her arms flung around me as soon as I got close enough for her to do so. “Oh, Maddy!” She held me tight, her head on my shoulder.

  I nodded, awkwardly pushing her away from me.

  “Are you…I mean, of course you are not—”

  I shook my head, my eyes suddenly feeling heavy. “Please, Colette. I do not wish to speak of it.”

  She nodded, leading me into the house. The foyer looking barren and empty…not the jewel box I once thought it.

  “You saw your father off?”

  I nodded, noticing that things were suddenly awkward. Was it the sheer fact that I really didn’t want to be there that made me feel even more unwelcome?

  She led me through the dining room and into the salon. We stood in the mi
ddle of the room, both silent. “Armand will be coming by later. He wishes to see you, wishes you well,” she said, trying to smile.

  “Are you and the Vicomte on good terms, now?” I asked, really not interested. I wasn’t interested in love or really anything at all. When she had been at the house that weekend, our gossip was mainly focused on scandal, not love…not even Armand or his goings-on.

  She shook her head. “Not yet. He is only going to be here, because you are. He wishes to see you, as I said, to wish you well.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, very low.

  “It’s fine. At least I get to see him.” She nodded. “Why don’t you wait on the terrace. I will arrange for some coffee and macarons.”

  Before I could tell her I wasn’t hungry, she had dashed off. I frowned, not even having the energy to chase after her. I walked out reluctantly to the terrace, an incredible urge to cry coming over me as I looked out to the fountain, the hedge maze down the way. I shook my head, refusing to do such a silly thing.

  “It is only a house!”

  Yes, but the house where you fell in love, where you first made love! Where you were…together!

  “Where it ended…” I said to myself, looking down at my hands before a cool breeze swept through the afternoon sun.

  I felt something rub against my leg. Looking down, I saw Toulouse—the white cat Lucien had given me. I felt a pain run through me. I bent down as tears spilled over, picking up the cat. “Hello, Toulouse.” I choked back sobs. “I am sorry to have left you so abruptly. Will you forgive me?”

  The cat pawed at my nose, just as he did when he was much smaller only a few months ago. How much he had grown! His face was so masculine. His big, blue eyes were almost filled with wisdom. His body was long and lean, building muscle, and his tail was long and slightly puffy. I cuddled him into me and kissed the top of his head before I placed him down, again.

  I tried to stifle my tears, but they kept coming. All the steps that I walked of my own from the past and of Lucien’s, right beside me. Though, was he there? No. Of course not! He thought me capable of being an adulterer. I decided to walk down, away from the terrace. Away from Colette and her pleas that would fill the air, asking me what was wrong and crying herself. I knew it was possible, a possibility I wished not to see.

  I walked toward the fountain, pursing my lips together to fight back another sob, passing over the stupid stone thing that I used to so admire. I walked toward the beginning of the trees, walking up to a large oak with a magnificent spread of full leaves on its branches.

  I took a deep breath, holding it for a moment before I let it out. I carefully wiped my face, trying not to disturb my rouge, which the new maid my father had hired had applied for me. She even acquired powder for my hair. I looked as if I never left, presentable in a light pink and lavender charmeuse, closed robe à l’Anglaise with little, violet flowers and buds around the neckline, white lace sticking out as well as from my sleeves. My hair was pulled up, all the frosty curls looking like little rosettes. I wore a hat on my head and mitts on my hands that matched my gown in pink and violet. I didn’t care for my appearance, though. Nothing much else mattered, anymore.

  I turned around, and Lucien stood before me.

  I almost gasped from the sight. I was almost thinking I was hallucinating, but there he was! He wore a dark blue, Dutch velvet informal justaucorps with glittering sapphire and white gems up the trim. His dark blue, silk breeches shimmered in the light, his blue waistcoat with golden brocade designs sticking out from his stance. He had his hair swept back in his usual, large black bow and bag, his black and gold tricorne hat on his head, his cravat was in place, and the collar of his justaucorps turned up stiffly around it.

  He was still beautiful. The sight of him almost made me weep, but I was stunned into silence. My tears frozen within me. He just stood there! I swallowed hard, something sticking in my throat. I feared I might vomit or possibly fall on the ground unconscious.

  That’s when he spoke, his voice sending my body into a shock. “I heard you were ill.”

  I nodded slowly, a pain resonating in my foot from where the doctor had bled me.

  He looked down before his eyes solemnly looked back up to me. “Now, you are well?”

  I nodded, again.

  He looked as if he was going to step forward but thought better of it. “You have been scarce around the social circles. Many say you have been nursing a broken heart.”

  My eyes welled up with tears, finally breaking through. I couldn’t think of anything that I could say to him. Just seeing him in front of me pained me more than I thought it possibly could.

  “Won’t you speak?” He walked toward me. “There has been nothing but silence between us for what feels like an eternity yet, you choose not to speak while I stand here in front of you?”

  I felt the tears spill out of my eyes, shaking my head as I turned from him.

  “Can you not see I am a broken man, Madeleine? There is a piece of me missing…I am nothing without you.”

  I turned to him, trying to hold my tears within me. “I was not the one who called for such a silence. I have nothing else I can say to you, Lucien. No way to prove to you who I am or how much I love you. Forever you will think I am one of them you so hate.”

  He sighed heavily as he took off his hat, holding it in front of him. “I never thought of you that way. I said some things out of anger, quite similar as your palm striking my face.”

  “You deserved it,” I said, turning from him and sniffling, wiping a flow of tears off of my cheek—to hell with my rouge.

  He walked up behind me, his hand coming to my left shoulder and running down to my elbow. His face rested against the right side of mine. I had to close my eyes as I tried to contain myself, everything aching within me. I thought I was going to break down right there, weep until I couldn’t weep anymore!

  How do you have any tears left to shed, you silly girl?

  “I did,” he said, his nose resting against my cheekbone. “Cognet also deserved his feet flying over his head when I challenged him to a duel.”

  I laughed lightly, looking down at the ground. “I heard about that.”

  He turned me toward him, looking into my eyes. His face was incredibly close to my own. “I have never once ceased to adore you, not for one moment. Not since the second I laid eyes on you and not a moment since.”

  I broke down into tears, my whole face straining from it. My eyes closing harshly as I sobbed against him, his lips pressing against my forehead. He raised my face up, looking into my eyes and over my hair. “I love you. You know that, don’t you?”

  I shook my head, tears running down my face, “No, you don’t.”

  He nodded his head. “Yes, I do, Madeleine. I love you more than life itself.”

  He took my hand and put it over his heart, looking me in the eyes as I tried to struggle to keep them open and stop my flow of tears.

  “This life, which I only live for you.”

  I couldn’t keep my legs steady, anymore. I threw my arms around him, holding him tightly. I sobbed into his shoulder as he held me, his right hand coming up and stroking my face. He pulled it toward him and pressed his lips against mine passionately.

  That’s when it happened. Stars exploded before me, and my whole body shook beneath me. My heart beating like a thousand galloping horses. The only person who had ever made me feel that way was making it happen all over, sending me into a frenzy of delight—a feeling I hadn’t felt since he left me so abruptly.

  He broke away from me, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the earrings he had given me. He put them in my hand, the sun glistening off of them. “I believe these belong to you.”

  I laughed faintly through my tears, looking down at them, nodding as I put them in my ears.

  “Something else…the thing I wanted to speak to you so urgently about.” He reached into his pocket again and pulled out a jewelry box—a little, white velvet one. He opened it fo
r me to see a sparkling ring sitting in the center of it.

  A small, perfectly square stone sat in the middle, on its side like the shape of a diamond on a playing card. “U” shapes filled with little stones sat on each side, four in total, and three stones in the shape of a triangle connected them. The band was also covered with stones, wrapping around. The whole thing was a sparkling star before me

  I almost lost my breath in my chest looking at it. Swallowing hard, I looked it over, almost afraid to touch it.

  “It was my grandmother’s. That is why I had to speak to her that night. I was planning on putting my plan into effect, the one we spoke of. Me marrying you, spoiling you, and turning you into one of those brats.” He smirked, his lips pursing together as I loved them to do.

  I looked to him and back to the ring, unsure of what I was to do.

  “It is customary for the woman in this situation to at least speak, never mind take the ring.” He laughed.

  I looked back at him, shaking my head. “I just, I was not…I really was not expecting this, Lucien. I just—”

  “Is that a ‘no’?” he asked, looking at the ring, his smirk still present.

  I shook my head, “No! No, I mean, yes. I will marry you. Of course I will. It is just, this ring is quite dazzling, and I just…forgive me if I am a tad speechless, especially since I haven’t even spoken to you in a month. It is a bit of a surprise.”

  He nodded, taking the ring out of the setting, putting the box back into his pocket, and lifting my hand. He slipped the surprisingly heavy ring on my third finger on my left hand.

  “I can understand that, but you best prepare yourself. Grandma-ma wants both you and Colette at the l’Opéra, tonight. Then, tomorrow evening, she is throwing us an engagement party, and later in the week, she is expecting you for tea to meet all those who are necessary.” He pointed at me, bringing my hand up and kissing it. “Oh, and in three or so weeks, we will need to go to Versailles to see the King, and you will meet the Dauphine, be presented formally, and learn all the bows and curtsies necessary. I will need to get you a trousseau even she would be envious of.”