Regenerate

by Emily Goldthwaite

  I wet my lips. I’m not sure what he means. “Believe what?”

  He tilts his head slightly, his blue eyes sliding over to look at me. “Believe what you said, that it shouldn’t matter.”

  I open my mouth to speak, but for a moment nothing fills it. My gaze drops down to my e-paper full of doodles of plants. “Yes,” I say softly. “I do believe it.” I look up at him. “I don’t necessarily like the arrangement, but still, anything less feels messed up.”

  He smiles briefly and nods towards the front screen. “You’re definitely in the minority.”

  I frown and let out a cynical chuckle. “That’s nothing new.”

  His hand twitches my direction, as if reaching for mine, but stops at the edge of his desk. “That’s not a bad thing, Averi.”

  This is stupid. Why is complimenting me like he thinks I’m so great? He’s been oblivious to my existence all day, or worse, been intentionally ignoring me. “Why are you suddenly talking to me again? You’ve been deliberately avoiding me all day.”

  He looks down and rolls his words around in his mouth. “I’ve just been trying to give you your space.”

  My mouth falls open and I press my eyes shut. “What!” I blink and squint at him. “Why would you think you need to?”

  The unit buzzer rings, drawing both our attentions, and the teacher reminds everyone that next time we’ll be giving our birth vid reports. All of us start collecting our things.

  I turn towards Lander’s seat so I can get up, just as he turns towards mine. His blue eyes stop me in my tracks, that and the fact our knees almost bump into one another’s.

  “Why would I need to?” he restates my question. “Miss Gouch, you and I both know what we had going couldn’t last. I’m not nearly cool enough to get to keep you.”

  I rub my forehead. “What are you talking about? I’m not cool.”

  Lander gives me a tired look and lets out a sigh. “Yes, you are. I just happened to catch you during an off swing. You, beautiful, have been and always will be several classes above me. Now that your friend finally got the guts to tell you how he feels, you need your freedom.”

  I just stare open-mouthed at him, my head shaking slightly in opposition to his assumptions. He’s crazy; I need no such thing.

  He rises to his feet and touches my cheek. “See ya around, beautiful.” Then he turns and leaves.

  Is he serious, or is this his way of not getting stuck with me? How is he such a frustratingly smooth talker?

  The air tram to Jo’s feels so quiet with just Raxtin and me. I stare out the window, watching the city give way to the natural beauty of the wilderness, beyond the walls of the village. I still don’t get what happened between him and Zeph; one minute they’re all gushy, and the next Raxtin is up there giving a speech about how wonderful he thinks I am.

  “All right, out with it,” Raxtin says, interrupting my thoughts. “What’s eating you?”

  “Nothing,” I lie.

  He leans forward in his seat, elbows on his knees. “Averi, I know you better than that. There’s something on your mind. So say it already.”

  I cross my arms. “Or what?”

  “Or I’ll have to start fine-tuning my telepathy skills.” He smiles, tapping his temple.

  My eyes widen and I pull a face. “That would be horrific.”

  “Oh yeah? How come?”

  I lean forward too and whisper, “Cause then you’d know all my secrets.”

  He lowers his volume to match mine. “I think I probably know most of them already.”

  I consider this for a second and nod. “Ok, most of them is probably a fair guestimate.”

  We straighten and lean back against the memory-foam cushions and chuckle.

  I bite my lip. Maybe I should tell him. I want to know. “I was speculating about what happened with you and Zeph.”

  He draws a deep breath, folding his arms over his broad chest. “Ah, I see.”

  I wave my hands in front of myself. “You don’t have to tell me or anything. That’s just what I was thinking.”

  His expression is unreadable as he holds my gaze. “I’m fine telling you if you want to know.”

  I nod.

  He slides further down in his seat, till his feet can prop up on my bench next to me. “Honestly, I’m not sure. It started out fine and then got progressively worse. We got to where we were fighting all the time. I think it took its final dive after Lander joined our group.” His gaze is trained on his shoes next to me.

  I chew on the inside of my check, unsure if I should pry further. “I’m sorry. Did it have anything to do with me?”

  He looks up at me and gives me an appraising grin. “Maybe a little.” He wriggles his brows at me. “Really, I think we just weren’t good for each other. The Local Organizers even switched our units around to separate us, but it didn’t help. About the time I realized she and I were done, you were already going to the party with Lander.”

  The mention of his name makes my swallow catch and my chest hurt. I can’t think of him right now. I draw a steadying breath. “Raxtin, I wanted to ask, what do you know about my dad? What all did I tell you?”

  His eyes tighten. “You don’t remember?”

  I glance out the window at the disappearing city. “No.”

  He sits up straighter and plants his feet back on the ground. “I remember that you moved here from somewhere a lot colder and greener. Once you said your dad took you swimming in a pond, and you got these things called leeches stuck on your legs. You had nightmares about them sucking out all your blood.” He grins and laughs at the memory.

  I smile but can’t share his amusement. How can I have forgotten everything so thoroughly?

  His chuckling subsides and his mood turns somber. “I’m sorry you don’t remember. It always sounded like you two were close.”

  “Did I ever tell you what happened to him? Did he–die?” I can hardly say the word.

  His shoulders hunch forward and he rests his elbows on his knees again. “You never said, only that you had to leave there and come here. You missed him a ton, though.”

  My nose stings with emotion. Raxtin moves over to my bench and puts his arm around me.

  “Maybe Jo has more answers,” he says softly.

  I nod and wipe my nose. “Yeah, maybe. I hope so”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Today Jo is having us help chop herbs to put into tinctures.

  Jo’s foot is in some sort of strange bracing, and she uses a metal staff with a round little foot to get around. She calls it a crutch. I asked her how she got hurt when we got here, but she waved me off and just said, “Clumsiness, that’s what happened.”

  As she hobbles from one end of her kitchen to the other, I jump in to gather what we need to make the medicine. “Jo, just tell me which cupboard it’s in and I’ll get it,” I say.

  Raxtin jumps up too.

  “Oh, I can manage just fine. You kids sit and relax a spell.” She waves us off towards the couch, but I’m not about to cave on this one.

  “I don’t know what you did to your foot, but it doesn’t look like you should be on it. Besides, how am I supposed to learn how to do this stuff if you don’t let me help?”

  She considers me for a long moment, her weathered hand stroking her velvety old chin. Then she nods. “All right, dearie. I’ll tell you what we need.”

  Between Rax and me, we get everything out and arranged, then lastly out of her small cooler, she has us pull several bundles of herbs she’s already harvested. I can’t help my surprise.

  “This plant!” I all but squeal, running it through my fingertips. “This is it! I found this plant in our village a few weeks ago. I was trying to get it to grow from a stem I picked, but it didn’t take well. What is it?”

  Jo holds up one of the deep-green, leafy stems. “This here is skull cap. It’s good for healing the nervous system.”

  “Skull cap,” I repeat, likewise holding up a stem and examining it more clo
sely.

  Raxtin follows suit but keeps glancing over at us like “What am I supposed to be looking for?” He’s the first to set down his stem, then he picks up a knife and begins chopping. “What does ‘good for the nervous system’ mean? What would you use it for exactly?” he asks.

  “Oh, any number of things,” she says, picking up scissors and chopping at her pile. “I’ve seen it cure everything from a common cold to Bell’s palsy. In fact, several of my old friends came to me with various degenerative diseases, and it healed those as well.”

  “Wow, that’s so cool.” I say. I pull out my red pruning shears and snip away at the stack of leaves and stems in front of me.

  Jo suddenly stops what she’s doing and watches me for a moment. Her eyes get a little glossy. “I haven’t seen those pruners in ages. I never fancied it was you who wound up with them,” she says. Her face emits a certain pride and satisfaction.

  “These are yours?” I hold them up and stare at them like I’ve never seen them before.

  She smiles. “Not anymore. Last time I saw those was when you and your daddy came to visit. Back when you were barely two.”

  I swallow but my throat feels dry. “Jo, what happened to my dad? Why isn’t he here? Did he die?”

  Jo sets down her scissors and adjusts her apron. She looks between the two of us and nods. “Word is he died,” she says. “But that’s just what little hearsay reaches me.”

  I feel punched in the gut. “Oh. That makes sense.” I grab the counter with my free hand to steady myself.

  Rax takes ahold of my arm gently and squeezes it. “I’m sorry, Ave.”

  Jo slowly pulls her head side to side, then holds a finger to her lips. “I think we need a bit more of this skull cap. I’ve got some growing next to the stream by the house. Let’s go get some.”

  I look at the large, uncut stacks of the herb still on the counter and it clicks. Rax and I follow her outside and place our devices in the wall box. A different recording starts this time.

  We follow Jo as she works her crutches, leading us away from the house. Once we are a safe distance, Jo looks around as if she’s still uneasy talking about it. Her voice drops to a whisper. “Your father isn’t dead. He stops here from time to time whenever he’s in the area.”

  My eyes widen, and for a fleeting second, hope floods me. But then something inside twists and hardens, pulling at the lines of my face. “Why doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Why did he let them leave me with my Lost mom? I remember the day they took me, he chased the car. Did he decide, ‘Oh well, that’s that? Never mind.’ Or maybe, ‘I’ll just have another one.’ That seemed to be his and Mom’s solution the last time.”

  Raxtin turns to me. “Averi, what are you talking about?”

  I point at Jo. “Do you know? Or did he never tell you either? I wasn’t their first kid. I overheard Mom say that Dad convinced her to have another one after their first died, just so Mom could save face. Did Dad start over again once I disappeared?”

  Jo wraps her arms around herself. “Dear girl, your daddy would’ve died for you in a heartbeat.”

  “Then why is he gone!?” I can hardly contain my yell.

  “After they stole you from him, they hid you and changed your surname. He’s spent the last thirteen years searching for you. Neither of us dreamed they would’ve relocated your family here. So close to this farm.”

  Her words don’t make sense. “How could he be looking thirteen years and not find me? Just search the database for my first name, at least.”

  “They wiped your records, Averi.” Hobbling with her crutches, she paces as she talks. “As for the other things you said, if you want, I can tell you what happened, how you came to be and why.” She stops and waits for my response.

  I wipe my sleeve under my nose and nod.

  Jo rubs a weathered hand across her brow, as if the motion conjures up the memories. “Your father was a Lost for a long time. Always in and out of rehabs. One of the times he was there he met your mother. She was in his A group. They stayed in contact for years, and when she decided to enter the GAP program, she opted to have his child per insemination. That was your older brother, Abraham.”

  I’ve never heard that name before, and it startles me to have it used in context with the word brother.

  Jo continues. “Finally, a new rehab program came out. Its focus was on building real, human-to-human connections. That program had the highest success rate of all time, almost ninety percent. He got out and wanted to be a real dad to his offspring, so he tracked down your mother, who at the time was living in the Idaho colonies. Sadly, his recovery came too late for his son. He convinced April to start a real family with him. They got married, lived together, and had you. April could never entirely quit her tech, but Alex gave all he could to make her happy, and to cherish you. You meant everything to him.”

  Everything inside of me feels jumbled and shaken. I can’t help my scowl. “If we were a functioning, healthy family, why would they steal me away?”

  “Yeah,” pipes in Rax, who has been quietly propped against a nearby tree. “That’s crazy. Wasn’t that the whole point of rehab in the first place?”

  Jo nods. “It was—in the first place. Haven’t you kids ever wondered why they don’t put much focus on the rehab centers they built?”

  Rax and I look at each other, our eyes wide.

  “Yes. We have,” I say.

  “Cases like you and your dad’s proved that it worked. In fact, they decided it worked too well. You see, Alex took you on lots of hikes and excursions out into nature. He wanted you to know the beauty of it. Then the Executive Organizers stepped in. They said Alex was taking too many risks with you. That he was placing you in unnecessary danger. He was at odds with them, and the Organizers became more and more forceful. Finally, they warned Alex that they would take you away if he didn’t conform.

  “In a desperate attempt to save you from their control and live a real life, he hatched a plan to run away with you. Somehow, the Organizers got tipped off. They took you the morning before your planned escape.” She pauses and her eyes become distant. She speaks, but it’s almost not even to us. “Stealing a GAP is the highest form of treason, if you weren’t aware. He was sentenced to lifetime exile, punishable by death.” Her eyes flick back to me now. “They took you to April and your Granny Ann, then relocated the three of you, and we never heard of you again.”

  Tears are streaming down my cheeks. “Where is he now? How could he have no idea where I am after thirteen years? He could have watched from outside the village fences near the schools to see if—”

  “He has wandered the country several times over trying to find you. Exile means they place a detonator inside your arm, linked to your tracker. If you come within a certain distance of a settlement, it will go off and kill you. Alex can only communicate face-to-face with others who live either like myself or as exiles like him. Outside the settlements, tech is very, very limited. And trying to track down a GAP whom the Organizers wish to keep hidden is a risk the few with tech would never in their dreams dare to take.”

  Grandma Jo’s eyes grow misty and she presses a hand over her heart. “Oh, child, he misses you so desperately. He fears you died too. When I think how you were right here all along, it just about breaks this old woman’s heart. If I’d known, I’d have risked this farm and my own life to get to you.”

  Dad and Jo love me. They actually love me. A cool breeze picks up and dries the trail of tears on my cheeks. “So he’s still out looking for me?”

  She nods. “As long as he hasn’t succumbed to the elements or ill fate, he will look for you till the day he dies.”

  “Well, tell him I’m here. Tell him to come back!” My voice cracks with a sob.

  Jo shuffles over and pulls me into a hug, holding me tight. “Oh, sweetie, if there were any way I could get in touch with him, I would’ve told him the moment I found out.”

  I look up into her kind, wrinkled face. “The
next time he’s here, I want to see him. Ok? Promise me.”

  Jo pulls me back to arm’s length. She nods, but her expression hardens. Her eyes drift from me to Rax and back. “Never mention him outside us three, do you understand? If the Organizers get wind of it, they will disappear you again.”

  “Not if I’m around,” says Rax, pressing his hand to the small of my back.

  Jo smiles at him patiently. “My boy, I’m glad Averi has friends who’ll look out for her. But if they want to take her, they have imperceptible ways to make you forget. Forget to the extent you’ll assume life up till now was no more than a dream—that is, if you remember anything at all.”

  Her eyes fall on me again, and her brow pinches up in the middle. Clearly that’s exactly what happened to me. She’s right, this is a gamble we can’t risk losing.

  Raxtin shifts uneasily, and his voice is low and hard. “I don’t like it. We’re people, not caged rats or something. Why do they get to decide what’s best for any of us?”

  Her eyes gleam with a formidable light and she pats his cheek. “Ah, those are dangerous words, son.” She nods in the direction of the village. “Never forget, living how and where you live, they have more say and control over you than you know. And they will use it if they wish to.” Her gaze travels from us over to the house. “We best get back, my dears. Don’t forget my warning. Averi is a closely monitored commodity, more than most, I’d wager. The slightest hint and they won’t hesitate to step in.”

  We crunch our way out of the autumn forest and back to Jo’s house. Something inside me feels less hollow, less empty. Somewhere in the world I have a real dad, and he has committed his life to finding me. As soon as I graduate school, I think it’ll be time to return the favor.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I know Lander is trying to give me my space, but this is ridiculous. He’s dropped out of half my units and I think Tish has been surgically glued to his arm.

  Way to aim for the stars, Lander. Go marry the biggest floosy in school; she’ll make a great mother for your children. Space for me, my butt! He’s such a player. Creep.