by Vera Hollins
Christine noticed me first, and her lips curled into a derisive smile. She said something to Hayden, and he snapped his head to meet my gaze. The usual expressionless mask fell on his face in an instant, the traces of the previous smile already gone.
I scanned the parking area to see if there were any people and only noticed some teenagers, who couldn’t be older than fifteen, passing close by. Since Hayden liked to humiliate me in public, without caring about the consequences, I was sure he was about to create some trouble.
I sped up in another direction, intent on putting as much distance between us as possible. “Please, don’t come. Please, please, please,” I whispered as I scurried.
I yelped when he caught my upper arm in a steely grip, killing all my hope of escaping him, and pulled me around to face him. I sucked in my breath, noticing how close our bodies were. His menacing 6' 2" frame daunted me.
“Where do you think you’re going? You can’t run away from me like that.”
His firm grip was starting to hurt. “Hayden, let go of me. Why can’t you just let me walk away? Why do you have to harass me every time you see me?”
“And why do you always have to make such dumb questions? What’s in those bags?”
“Excuse me?”
He grabbed one of the bags out of my hand, completely surprising me. “Hey! You can’t do that!”
“Why do you never learn? I ask nicely only once, but you always play dumb.”
He released me and opened the bag to scan through its contents. “Food and even more food. What—mommy isn’t home to make you dinner? You’re alone again?” His voice was sardonic, his words slicing me all too easily.
He knew my mother was my weak spot. He always watched me and paid close attention to my interactions with others, checking if the relationships with them were good or not so he could exploit that information. Hayden certainly took great pleasure in knowing I didn’t get along with her.
Christine stepped next to him and gave me a disapproving once-over. “You should’ve seen her this morning. Her fall was hilarious. She really is dumb.”
I let my eyes slide down her body, studying her appearance. Her skinny jeans fit her long legs perfectly, accentuating how well-defined they were, and her low-cut neckline shirt revealed her huge breasts, which were, I was sure, an object of desire of many East Willow High boys.
My breasts were small. Usually, I didn’t obsess over their size, but there were times when I wished they were bigger. I wanted to wear low-cut shirts or dresses, but since that was impossible, I covered myself with clothes that completely hid my shoulders and chest.
“I saw it on YouTube during break,” he answered, not giving any further comment.
“She looked as if she were going to faint. She looked so disgusting, especially when her eyes crossed.” She rolled her eyes and sniggered.
“You’re sick,” I hissed at her.
She raised her eyebrow. “Yeah? At least I’m not a creep and a murderer like you.”
Murderer. It stung. It really did. Even after two years of hearing them call me a murderer, I felt pain whenever they said that. It reminded me of how stupid and careless I’d been. It reminded me that Kayden died because of me.
I couldn’t escape the toxic guilt I’d carried with me since that night. It was eating away at me. It was unconquerable, shouting at me from the depths of my mind that I deserved all bad things that were happening to me.
“Screw you.” My voice was unstable, giving out how shaken I felt.
“Oh, poor baby. Are you going to cry?” she taunted me. “Please, cry. I’d like nothing more than that.”
Hayden took a package with tomatoes out of the bag and opened it. He bit into one piece, and before I even had time to react, he threw it at me. The tomato hit my shoulder, its juice splashing across my white T-shirt, and I jerked back. I lost my grip on the bag, and my groceries spilled over the pavement.
I gaped at Hayden. “What are you doing?!”
His face displayed nothing but cold indifference. “I’m finishing what Blake started today.”
He took the second tomato out of the package, bit it, and hurled it at my leg, spitting the bite out. I yelped when a dull pain exploded in my thigh, followed by a sense of wetness when the messy contents covered my jeans. I wanted to run away, but just like Jessica today, I was too shocked to move. He turned the package upside down and the rest of the tomatoes dropped to the ground.
“Hayden, stop!”
The teenagers I saw earlier came closer to us, two of them taking out their phones, and dread settled in the pit of my stomach. I hoped they were using them to call the police and not to shoot this.
Hayden ignored my plea, switching his attention to the egg carton. “Would you do the honors?” he asked Christine and opened it, pointing at the eggs.
Her grin was full of malice. “Gladly.”
She took one out of the carton and threw it with all her force at me. I cried out in pain when the egg hit my chest, splattering all over my T-shirt. I didn’t even have time to check just how gruesome the yellowish-red combination looked on the previously white cotton, because she’d already picked another egg and aimed it at my head. I barely managed to cover myself before it landed on my face.
She didn’t stop, hitting me repeatedly, and the pressure in my head got stronger. I fell to my knees, unable to see or hear anything as the laughter in my mind intensified.
All I heard was laughter—they were laughing at me. All I saw were evil faces—they were glaring at me, mocking me, haunting me... It was humiliating and degrading. I felt like I was less than a human being. I was all alone and there was no one who would listen. Nobody cared.
I wanted it to stop. Humiliation, pain, laughter... I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to live free, unashamed of who I was. Why didn’t they let me live?
Why can’t I fight back? Why?
Run away, Sarah. Just... Go.
I heard someone crying, and I needed time to comprehend it was me who was bawling, begging them to stop. I looked around in confusion, slowly becoming aware that there were no more blows. Nothing was coming at me anymore. I was curled up on the ground, but nobody offered me help. Nobody ever offered any help.
I looked up at Hayden, waiting for the next attack. He just stared at me with his hooded eyes.
“Pitiful,” he said in disgust and turned his back to me, finally deciding to leave. He dropped my bag, and the food scattered behind him after the impact.
I glared at Christine, who was taking several shots of me with her phone.
“Thank you for being a good model, as always. Have fun cleaning those terrible clothes. Though, I wouldn’t bother in your place. They’re so hideous I would burn them anyway.”
She joined Hayden on his bike, and he left the parking lot in a cloud of smoke.
The teenagers started dispersing and no one—absolutely no one—even asked me if I was okay. They had their fun, they got their pictures, and they left me on the ground with no remorse to wallow in self-pity.
Chapter 6
THE NEXT MORNING, I woke up contemplating how to explain to my mother why my car wasn’t in our driveway. I planned to use a bicycle to go to school for the time being, but I didn’t know which excuse I could come up with now. The school year had barely started and there was already something wrong with my car.
I didn’t want to tell her my first day in school had been so awful that it could compete for the title of the “Worst First Day in High School Ever.”
I could always say my tire had blown out, but there was a limit to how many times I could use that old excuse. I got out of my room, and I saw I didn’t have to worry about creating the most convincing lie because mom hadn’t even come home. I checked my phone for any messages from her; however, there were none.
I called her, but the call went to her voicemail. “Hey, mom. Where are you? I’m going to school now, but please text me so I know you’re okay. Bye,” I said and fini
shed the call.
If today was the same as all those previous days, then she probably had spent the night at some man’s place. Since it couldn’t be helped, I had to be patient and wait for her message.
I was enervated, my body begging for anything that could boost its energy, so I decided to make coffee before I went to school. I’d been wakeful all night, unable to stop replaying yesterday’s events.
Last night, I threw my stained clothes into the washing machine and took a long shower as soon as I got home. It was impossible for me to chase away all those frightening thoughts and forget about my day, so many images blending in my mind and amplifying my darkness. Everything nice I experienced during the summer didn’t have value anymore. It was like they never happened.
I finished my shower feeling even worse. At that moment, I was masochistic enough to look for the social media accounts of East Willow High students, worried they had shared something related to me.
I usually didn’t give in to the urge to look through their accounts, because whenever I did, I was extremely hurt. As long as I didn’t look at those pictures and videos on the Internet, I could pretend they didn’t exist. I could have an illusion of escape.
I’d seen them making fun of me, liking, and sharing my most embarrassing and dire moments. Natalie and Christine were the ones who always created a buzz about me and other poor souls who were bullied. They fed themselves with the hate they spread.
I could also pretend they didn’t make fake accounts of me, posting all kinds of pictures and messages in my name. The more I reported those profiles, the more new ones popped up, so I’d given up on trying to get them removed a long time ago.
Sometimes, I wished the Internet hadn’t been invented at all. “Out of sight, out of mind” completely lost its point in the 21 st century. We could never be completely out of someone’s sight, because we could easily have our photos and videos scattered all over the Internet.
I stumbled upon the cafeteria video right before I went to bed. The sight of Jessica hunched while getting hit with various foods set my insides on fire once more, each second of it filling me with more nausea. I reported it, but I doubted it would make any difference. If it got removed, who could guarantee it wouldn’t be uploaded again?
Those individuals who filmed this and shared it online, spurring other people to leave horrible comments about the victim, were corrupt and twisted. It wasn’t humane, yet so many classmates found a sense of achievement by competing to create the most clever put-downs.
Safety in numbers. It was so easy to join the bandwagon of hate when they were a part of the mass. I’d hardly seen any comments condemning the content. They were drowned out by hateful majority big time. I remembered reading that around ninety percent of teens who had witnessed social-media bullying ignored it, which explained why bullies could get away with it.
I got out of my house a bit earlier so I could get to school on time on my bicycle. The morning air was chilly, biting my cheeks and hands, and my jacket did nothing to shield me from the cold. I could hardly grip the handlebars with my icy hands.
The trip to school felt like forever, and when I finally arrived, my teeth were chattering from the cold. As I blew on my fingers to warm them, I found Josh and Masen laughing together about something. Their faces instantly fell when they noticed me.
“Look. It’s Snitch ,” Masen said.
Josh strode to me and blocked my way, and my blood ran cold, my senses on high alert. He was short for a guy, since I was 5' 9" and taller than him. Nevertheless, his frame was wide, filled with muscles, so he could overpower me easily. Among Hayden, Blake, and Masen, Josh was the biggest ruffian. I wasn’t the only girl he’d hit. He had a horrible temper, and he liked hitting girls, resorting to cruelest acts provoked or unprovoked.
Josh hit me because I tried to fight him back. He kept calling me names, and I told him that at least I wasn’t a midget like him. An instant later, he swung his fist at me, sending me flying over the school backyard. I didn’t feel pain straight away, because I was in a daze after his unexpected blow and my brain needed time to process what the hell was going on. Only later I felt pain and tasted blood on my cracked lips, the horrible reality rendering me speechless.
He didn’t regret it, of course. He only promised me a black eye next time if I rubbed him the wrong way again.
To my constant dread, there was more to his vicious personality, but I could never pinpoint what exactly. There were times when a crazy glint would appear in his eyes, which made me question his sanity, and the amount of hate in him terrified me.
He was similar to Natalie, so it was no wonder they were back together. They had been occasionally hooking up ever since Kay’s death, though Natalie claimed she never stopped loving Kayden. I didn’t know what she saw in Josh, but I guessed there was a lid for every pot.
Josh brought his hand to my shoulder and squeezed it so hard that I hunched in pain. I dug my nails into my palms, silently hoping he wouldn’t raise his hand on me or else. “What you did in the cafeteria was incredibly stupid, dumb bitch.”
“You got your revenge because my car is destroyed.” My voice came out weakly. “Can’t you just let it go?”
He applied more pressure, and I pressed my nails even harder into my palms, fighting not to make even a single cry of pain. We were in a hallway full of students, but I didn’t doubt for a second he would hit me if irked.
“Do you think we play games, Snitch?” Masen appeared in my line of vision, leveling his face with mine. He flicked my forehead. “We hate you, and we won’t let you have a single day away from us.”
“You’re a pile of shit.” Josh’s choice of words was, as always, full of expletives when he spoke to me. I hoped the bell would ring soon so I wouldn’t have to endure this anymore. “You deserve to be beaten and taught a lesson.”
He pushed me with all his force away from him, and I couldn’t catch myself. I was falling, but somebody caught me from behind and yanked me up. Regaining my balance, I turned around and gasped when I met Hayden’s eyes.
“You should’ve let her fall! Why did you do that?” Josh spat behind me, and I detected flickers of ire in Hayden’s eyes at his words.
“She was in the way,” he said through his teeth, glaring at him. “It was a natural reflex.” Slowly, he brought his gaze back to me, which perturbed me. What was he planning to do now?
“Step aside,” Hayden told me. “You’re an ugly sight to see in the early morning.” He moved me so he could pass down the hallway. Josh’s features twisted with pure hatred as he watched him leave, but then he noticed me staring, and he flipped me off, storming after Hayden. With a sneer, Masen copied Josh’s gesture and followed them.
I had trouble moving my legs since they felt like jelly. I couldn’t believe them! I plodded to my locker, unusually relieved that Hayden had spoiled Josh’s plans and let me go that easily. Whenever he popped out of nowhere I felt like there was some impending doom, and I was never ready for him.
I wished I could escape him. I wished there could be a day free from him. This summer had been like a beautiful dream, but unfortunately it couldn’t last.
I learned one thing in my life. Beautiful dreams never last . I was always led back to my usual nightmare.
My phone buzzed, and I read the message from my mother saying she was okay and at work. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. Just as I’d assumed. She had another “wild” night, huh?
I headed to English and entered the classroom, finding Jessica in the first row. She was sitting at the desk that was the nearest to the door, and it was easy to see the reason behind her seat choice. She wanted a quick exit if she needed one. The seat next to hers was empty, thankfully, so I decided to take it. The classroom was half full, but I didn’t see Hayden or any of his friends here, which was a relief.
“Hey,” I greeted her. She raised her head from the book she was reading. I lifted my eyebrows when I noticed it was written in French.
/> She blushed, glancing away shyly. “Hello,” she answered in a tiny voice. So this was her real voice. It made her sound like a ten-year-old, but I thought it was cute.
“Sorry for interrupting you. May I sit next to you?”
“Yeah, sure.” She didn’t even look at me, her focus solely on her book.
I glanced at her, gauging whether she didn’t want to talk or she was just extremely shy. I noticed that her eyes were staring at one spot, which meant she wasn’t reading. I was making her nervous.
“I wanted to ask if you’re okay.” I pointed at her forehead. “I see you’re wearing a Band-Aid.”
“I’m okay, thank you. Though I probably look like a freak.”
“No, don’t worry. It’s not a big deal.”
She finally looked at me, and I spotted the insecurity on her face. “So. I wanted to thank you...” She glanced away. She took a deep breath and brought her gaze back to me. “I’m so grateful for what you did for me yesterday. Seriously, thank you. You were the only one who opposed them, and it was so brave of you—”
I shook my head and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s not like that. I’m not brave. I’m weak. I just couldn’t stand seeing them hurt you like that—” I froze when Hayden walked leisurely into the classroom. The hair on my neck stood up, and I couldn’t do anything but gape at him. He noticed me, and he didn’t even blink as he walked to the back of the classroom.
The girls started whispering among themselves, which was a usual reaction wherever he appeared. Today he was dressed all in black—black jeans with a black T-shirt that hugged his rippled muscles, which fit him better than I wanted to admit. How could someone who looked so beautiful on the outside be so ugly on the inside?
I glanced at Jessica and noticed her observing me. “Do you like him?” she whispered.
My cheeks stained with my pervasive blush, my chest throbbing. “Of course not. Why do you ask?”
Her lips curled into a small smile. “I’m sorry. It’s just... You didn’t take your eyes off him when he came in.”