by Vera Hollins
After my encounter with Hayden at the cemetery, I was too shocked and upset to respond to her message. The only thing I could do was go to bed and try to fall asleep.
“I’m so sorry, Jessica, but I didn’t feel well last night.”
I didn’t want to tell her about the kiss. I wasn’t quite sure myself what that was all about, and it was also a long story, so it would be best if I didn’t mention it at all.
“Why? Is it because of what happened in the yard yesterday?”
“Yes,” I lied without blinking. I sensed Hayden enter the classroom, and my breath caught in my throat. Don’t look his way, Sarah. “How are you feeling?”
“Horrible. I wanted to stay home today, but my parents didn’t let me. I feel so bad, Sarah. How can they be so evil?”
Hayden passed my desk, and I released my breath when he walked over to his seat at the back.
“I’ve been asking that same question for years now,” I replied to her morosely. “Hayden slashed my car tires this morning.”
Jessica gasped. “What?”
“I got out of my house this morning and noticed that my front tires were slashed, and you know that my car insurance doesn’t cover that.”
“Jesus,” she breathed out, paling. “That’s horrible!” She glanced at him over her shoulder. “He’s horrible,” she whispered.
“He denied that he has anything to do with it, but it would be foolish of me to trust him. To make things worse, he took a photo of and put it on Twitter. Now the whole school will know about it!”
“You have to report him to the police.”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t believe they would do anything to punish him. Besides, I have no real proof that he was the one who did it. Hayden wouldn’t be stupid to leave any fingerprints.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “Also, going to the police for such a thing... It’s humiliating and tiring. It’s never-ending.”
“I get what you mean, Sarah, but it can’t be that bad. I know that maybe they can’t do much, but there must be something we, bullied people, can do? If we stay silent and don’t report them, they’ll keep doing it!”
I looked at her, feeling annoyed by her naivety. “They will always keep doing it, Jessica, no matter what. The police won’t have my back always. Sure, they may solve the case and punish Hayden somehow, but there is always tomorrow, and tomorrow I’ll be alone. There won’t be anyone to protect me, and Hayden can punish me however he wants.”
She was playing nervously with the edges of her French book. I felt sorry for both of us. “Then what can we do?”
I didn’t reply, wishing I could finally break through the mud of fear that was keeping me in the dark and fight back.
I FELT MORE VULNERABLE than usual sitting next to Hayden during computer science. After yesterday’s kiss and the slashed tires, my brain was in overdrive. I needed a way out. This school year had just begun, but too many things had already happened.
Much to my disbelief, nobody mentioned anything about my kiss with Hayden. It was impossible he didn’t tell anyone about it, right? There must be some attack coming my way. It couldn’t be that Hayden chose to keep it a secret, it just couldn’t. Why would he?
“Do you even listen to me, Sarah?”
I flinched and looked at Ms. Clare, who was glaring at me. “Um, yes?”
Hayden snorted.
“I asked you about your project, Sarah. The deadline for the outline ends in two weeks, and I hope Hayden and you figured something out.”
Oh. I completely forgot about working on a website project with Hayden.
I glanced at him, and my stomach sank when I noticed his cold smirk. He didn’t care about the stupid project, and he couldn’t care less about me worrying about it. No, scratch that. He liked me worrying, so he would probably make sure to stall so I would worry more.
“Yep, Ms. Clare,” Hayden answered her, surprising both me and her. “We came up with something really good.”
“Really, Hayden? What is it?”
“We’re going to make a porn site.” No. He did not just say that. “Sarah is going to be the main actress.”
I desperately tried to ignore the chuckles and stares, hunching in my chair. I wished I could cover my blush with my hair, but it would look weird.
“Get serious, Hayden. If not, you’re going to fail this subject.”
He shrugged. “I’ll live.”
I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to beg him to get some sense into that head of his and work with me on this project. I despised him for humiliating me like this.
I already felt like a huge bundle of tangled nerves as I turned to face him. “Please, Hayden. If nothing else, just suggest the theme. Anything is okay. You don’t even have to work on the outline. I’ll do everything by myself.”
“I told you. I want to make a porn site.” He leaned toward me, his lips almost touching my ear. His nearness created shivers that traveled fast down my spine, and I fought to remain in my place so he wouldn’t know how much he intimidated me. “I’ll put your nude photos on that website,” he whispered. “They would be a great addition. I’m sure guys would love them.”
His words disgusted and terrified me at the same time. I didn’t doubt for a second he would really do that, but despite my fear, there was some spark in me that made me speak my next words without thinking.
“Gee, thanks, Hayden. I didn’t know you find me hot.”
I held his stare, pretending I was brave and winning this round. As I took in the stunned expression on his face, my own surprise filled me since he didn’t make any comeback. He looked as if he was dumbfounded by my words.
He broke our eye contact, not proving me wrong, and turned his head back.
I couldn’t believe this.
I actually won .
Chapter 19
THE FIRST THING I DID when I got home from school yesterday was to call Johns’ Corner to tow my Ford to their service. Then I talked to my mother, hoping to convince her that the tire slashing was just a stupid prank. She didn’t seem persuaded, but she also didn’t push the topic. She just wanted to make sure I was going to pay to fix it.
The sad truth was that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Whenever some money issue was brought up, I felt uncomfortable and reluctant to ask for money because she was constantly reminding me that it was her money, not ours . At this rate, my college fund was going to disappear if I kept paying for everything.
After today’s classes, I went to the retirement home on the bus. Melissa was already there when I arrived, standing next to her car. Her eyebrows formed a slight frown when she saw me getting off the bus.
“Where’s your car?” she asked and fell in step with me on our way to the entrance.
How could I tell her the truth without sounding like a complete loser? “Um, I had some issues with it so I had to take it to the car service.”
“Uh-huh. If you want, I can drive you back home.”
“Um, I’m meeting with my classmate, Jessica, after work. We’ll go out for coffee.”
“Oh, okay.”
Maybe I could invite Melissa to come with us because it could be a good opportunity to get to know her better. Hopefully, Jessica wouldn’t mind this. “So how about you come with us?”
“Me? With that Jessica chick and you?”
“Yep.”
She scratched her neck and looked away, insecure, which surprised me because I thought Melissa was self-confident 24/7. “Thanks, but I don’t want to put you out—”
“Don’t worry, you won’t. Come on, it will be fun.”
A radiant smile spread across her face. “Okay, if you’re sure.”
A surprise awaited me in the sitting room, for Jonathan was talking with Adelaine, a seventy-year-old widow who liked playing Angry Birds on her iPhone. She was truly amazing because her interests were the mix between old and new. She liked listening to classical music and watching black and white movies, but she was hooked on her iPhone
games. Most of the time, she was sitting alone in a corner, staring intently at the screen of her phone as she tapped her fingers all over it.
Today, she was far away from that lonely corner, in the middle of a hushed conversation with Jonathan, and I couldn’t help but stare at them in incredulity. She looked a bit embarrassed, but her dark ebony skin hid any potential blush. I didn’t know what surprised me the most—her shyness next to him or the fact that Jonathan was smiling .
“So he can smile,” Melissa whispered to me when she noticed them together. “I thought he didn’t have the muscles required for smiling at all! He never smiles!”
“I’m glad he finally found a reason to smile. I was worried he wouldn’t be able to get used to this place.”
“They look cute somehow. That is, if we forget about the fact that they are old, heavily wrinkled, and decorated with a lot of age spots like Swiss cheese is filled with holes—”
“Melissa!” I whisper yelled at her. “That’s not nice of you. Show them some respect.”
“Hey, I’m showing them respect! I respectfully think they fit each other because they are both so old and ugl—”
“Oh, shut up,” I interrupted her, walking away from her.
Her laughter trailed behind me. “Okay, okay! I know that was mean! I’m sorry!”
At noon, Melissa and I took a break and went to the patio. Several minutes into our conversation, Mateo arrived, and Melissa wiggled her eyebrows at me, a beaming smile forming on her face. I almost groaned.
I didn’t forget about his message. There was no way I could when he’d said I looked cute. Ugh. He must have been joking. I was certain of it.
“Hey, girls,” he greeted us and surprised me when he leaned in and actually kissed me on the cheek, the sudden contact leaving me baffled. He winked at me.
I glanced away, my cheeks heated. He was playing with me for sure. Besides, Melissa claimed he was a player, and as far as I could see, he didn’t lack self-confidence or charm.
“How was your week?” he asked us. Melissa replied to him in her usual witty way, but my throat just constricted when it was my turn to answer.
Not good. Why couldn’t I say anything in front of him? I surely looked dull or stupid to him.
“Um, everything was great. Fun.” My voice sounded like I was a heavy smoker.
“Say,” he started and pursed his lips together. “Did I offend you with my message or something?”
Oh no. I hoped he wouldn’t mention that.
“Message? What message?” Melissa was ever so curious.
“You didn’t reply to both of my messages that night, so I thought you might be angry with me.”
Melissa raised her eyebrows at me. “Both?”
“Yes,” I answered her, nettled.
Since I hadn’t responded to his first text, Mateo sent another one asking me if I was okay. I was so surprised and nervous when I saw his texts that I chickened out and didn’t text him back. I’d never received such a message from a boy before, so I had no idea how to act. Playing safe and ignoring him seemed like a best thing to do, especially because I wasn’t sure if he really meant what he said.
“Mateo texted me last Sunday. I’m sorry, Mateo, but I was sleeping.”
Melissa rolled her eyes. “Typical. She’s been like that with me from the start. Not really responsive, are you?”
I shrugged. “I’m so sorry, guys.”
“Then why didn’t you text me the next day?” he asked, not buying it.
I blushed. Damn it. “Um, I forgot.” The lamest excuse of all excuses. No, that couldn’t even be called an excuse. It was more like a big fat lie. I really was incapable of communicating with my peers.
He crossed his arms across his chest. “Okay. I get it. I won’t bother you if that’s a big deal for you.”
How could I tell him that texting guys wasn’t my forte? Ever since elementary school, I was a pariah, a weird loner that boys didn’t find attractive. That seriously ate away at my self-confidence, but I couldn’t divulge this to Mateo and Melissa. I didn’t want them to pity me or dislike me because something was abnormal about me.
“That’s okay. You can send me texts if you want, Mateo. I will... I will text you back.”
The corner of his lips quirked up, but then he frowned. “Anyway, I looked for you on Facebook.”
I flinched. “What?”
“I found your account, but I don’t think it’s actually yours.” He stopped for a second, watching me carefully. “It looks like someone made you a fake account.”
“Whoa! Really?” Melissa stared open-mouthed at him, then at me. “Is this true? Do you know anything about this?”
I took a deep breath, feeling the burning sensation in my cheeks. I had no idea if I felt more embarrassed or angry.
“What did you see?” My voice came out sharper than I’d intended.
“Nothing much—”
“What did you see?” I repeated more loudly. They both gaped at me. I was also surprised by my harsh reaction, but at this point I didn’t care, getting angrier by the second.
“I saw some nasty photos and videos. I even found some photo with a slashed tire on Twitter...” He narrowed his eyes at me. “You don’t look shocked.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “That’s because I’m not.”
They stared at me, waiting for more details, but I didn’t want to give them any. Besides, if I started talking about bullying I would start crying, and there was no way I would allow myself to cry in front of them.
“What’s going on, Sarah? Why did they post those pictures and videos?”
“What do you think, Mateo?” I snapped at him. “Some people are very mean and like tormenting others. It’s not difficult to figure that out.”
“Did you report them?”
“Report what to who?”
“Report those accounts and the people behind them to the police.”
“No. I didn’t.”
They didn’t get it, did they? They had no idea how difficult it could be for a victim to say out loud they were bullied and make culprits known. For some people—especially those who hadn’t experienced bullying—this might sound easy, but all I ever wanted was to live a normal life, not to complicate it more. Disclosing this was not only difficult, but it was also mortifying.
If I went to the police, what would happen? They would delete those profiles, punish the people behind them, and since they were minors, how serious would their penalty be? Also, it was so easy to make a new account if the old one was terminated. Cyberbullying can’t be controlled, especially when everything is anonymous.
After all, reporting would only bring me more headaches. Who guaranteed me they wouldn’t double their bullying if I reported them to the cops? I would have to live in fear of their retribution, and Hayden’s retaliation was more than enough for me.
I didn’t trust anyone, and I couldn’t trust the police.
How messed up is my mind?
I got up, desperate to walk away. “You didn’t have any right to search for me.”
Mateo recoiled, his frown growing deeper. “What? Are you serious?” The way he looked at me made me realize I’d overreacted, but it was too late to take my words back.
“Why not, Sarah? The last time I checked, it was completely legal and normal to search for someone on Facebook. I wanted to talk with you. Is that a crime?”
“Why?”
“What do you mean ‘why’?”
“Why do you want to talk more with me?”
Melissa smacked her forehead like I’d said something completely stupid. Mateo shifted his gaze to the side, looking uncomfortable.
“Hey, guys. If you want, I can go inside and—” Melissa started.
“No, it’s okay. I can say this in front of you,” he replied and faced me. “I like you. It’s as simple as that.”
Whoa. A pang of overwhelming surprise hit my chest, and for once, I was left without words. He said it w
as simple, but liking someone was never simple, and I had no idea how to react.
Was he serious? I studied his face for any indication that he was joking, but I found none.
What was I supposed to say? I hated feeling this self-conscious. Why would he like me? There were many prettier girls out there, and they were all more talkative and charming than me. All I ever did in front of Mateo was blush and act awkward. Unless he liked weird girls, I didn’t understand why he would like me.
“I... I really don’t know what to say, Mateo.” This wasn’t a good answer at all, I knew.
He shrugged and attempted to smile. “Well, that was a clear enough answer.”
Oh no. I didn’t want to hurt him. “No, really... Thank you, Mateo. I...” Oh God, I was making things worse.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He raised his arms as in surrender and smiled, but it was clear that the smile was fake. “I understand. You don’t have to say anything. I think I should go now. See you tomorrow, maybe?”
“Mateo...” I didn’t know what to say or do to make him stay, because I didn’t want him to leave like this. I should’ve given him a more precise answer or been friendlier.
I felt like a villain.
“Don’t sweat it,” he said and left before I managed to say anything else.
Abashed, I returned Melissa’s gaze. “What was I supposed to say?” I pushed my hands through my hair in exasperation.
“Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s okay.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, because as far as I can see, you don’t like Mateo, right? So, don’t force yourself to be with him.”
“Well, he’s cute.”
She grinned. “Cute? How cute? Like mildly cute or super hot cute?”
I let out a chuckle, embarrassed all over again. “Cute cute.”
“Hm. Isn’t ‘cute cute’ enough to give him a chance?”
I sighed. “I don’t know, Melissa. I... I’m not really good with guys.”
“Really? I’m sure you’re not that bad. You aren’t a virgin, right?” I looked away, too ashamed to say anything. “You are. Okay, well, that’s not bad. Not at all. Even though everyone has sex at an early age, it doesn’t mean you have to. It’s okay when you feel it’s okay.”