Becoming A Butterfly

by Mia Castile

  “Black tie,” he said, as he flashed a picture across the large screen of his phone. It was of me laying out in my black string bikini from an angle that could have only been from Henry’s second story window. I stopped and stared at the picture as the rest of the world disappeared into a fuzzy static of colors and white noise buzzed in my ears. I swallowed hard and heard my ears pop, making me feel dizzy for a few seconds. In the distance I heard Derrick laughing. It echoed, bouncing around me as if he were using a microphone, or perhaps others were joining in with him. Then Derrick turned into a shadow and left me standing there; the world closed in around me. I didn’t go to the lunch room. My fear was that I wouldn’t be able to hold down any of my food. I was terrified of the pointing fingers and laughter. Through misty eyes I found my way to the stairwell, down the flight, around the landing, and to the bottom of the stairs. I walked mechanically and then slumped onto the last stair. I stared at the concrete, humiliated, embarrassed, exposed, and alone. I had never felt so alone in my entire life as I did in that moment. I didn’t understand this incessant need to tear someone down. I had feelings just like the next person. My heart hurt in my chest as I felt violated. I didn’t remember the tears coming or the heaving of my chest. Somehow Chase found me though. He sat beside me, and I lay my head across his knees and cried as he petted my hair and smoothed it away from my sticky tears. He didn’t talk; he just held me.

  “Has everyone seen it?” I asked, staring straight ahead after my eyes finally dried.

  “I think so,” Chase admitted. Then trying to cheer me up, he added, “It’s not a bad picture. I’m thinking of making it your contact picture.” I snorted, trying not to laugh and sniffed my stuffy nose at the same time. “That’s my girl,” he encouraged as I sat up. “Like everything else, this will blow over. You can’t let them see you sweat.”

  “OK, but can I let them see me cry?” I asked weakly.

  “No,” he said and wiped the tears from my cheeks. We hid out until school was over. By then my eyes were no longer red, and we made our escape. I had ignored the texts from Jade, Tasha, and Henry—Jade asking where I was hiding, Tasha asking if I was OK, and Henry swearing he was done with Byron.

  I was able to sneak out of school without incident, but arriving home was another story. Henry sat on my stoop, scooting his skateboard across the sidewalk sideways as he waited for me. He stood when I got out of my car.

  “Can I come in?” he asked before I even made it to the sidewalk.

  “I think here is probably the best,” I said weakly as I climbed the stairs.

  “I had no idea Byron took that picture until he sent it to half of the school. The rest of them took care of spreading it to everyone else.” I dropped my bag outside of the front door with a thud. I moved to the swing and sat, pulling my legs up to my chest. He sat beside me and began to swing.

  “Remember when our moms sat here and let us ride our bikes up and down the sidewalk?” he asked, a distant look in his eyes.

  “Yeah, back when the only drama was using the pink sidewalk chalk or yellow,” I offered.

  “You know yellow was my color! It wasn’t even a question.” He shook his head.

  “There’s no such thing as a pink sun.” We were referring to the only fight we had had as toddler friends, and that was over the sidewalk chalk. He had drawn monsters and super heroes while I drew flowers and rays of sunshine.

  “Easier, happier times,” he chuckled.

  “Don’t throw away your friendship with Byron over me. I’m sure in his warped mind he thinks he was justified.” I avoided his eyes.

  “Don’t worry about the decisions I make. It’s time I became my own person instead of a clone.” He whipped his head, causing his bangs to feather to the side. I lost myself in his green eyes as he held my gaze. This was where I wanted to be—with him forever. Soon he would be able to be with me, too. My fantasy began to take over, and I had to look away. We sat quietly for a little while longer. He stood, and I matched his movement, standing beside him. The silence grew awkward, but just before it became unbearable, Byron pulled into Henry’s driveway.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Lacey,” Henry said, giving me a tight smile and a small wave.

  “OK” was all I said as I watched him cross my yard and meet Byron by the back of his car. I went inside and avoided Status Quo to conquer my homework instead. I didn’t touch my computer the rest of the night. Instead, I spent time with my sister in her room watching more episodes of That Seventies Show. She admitted to a huge crush on Wilmer Valderrama. I knew there had to be a reason she was so obsessed with that show.

  “So, Chase,” she began as a commercial played on TV.

  “Is my friend,” I said. She let out the breath she’d been holding in, but I continued, “He’s too old for you, you know.” I tried to say it delicately.

  “He’s so hot.” She fanned herself as if she were getting hot just thinking about him.

  “Calm down, hormones. He could be a good friend if you’d let him. But I repeat—he’s too old for you.” I gave her my best motherly look.

  “I know, I know. It’s just he’s always so nice to me and gives me attention. I really need that right now with everything.” She trailed off almost like she had said too much. I played with her quilt at the foot of her bed for a minute before I asked the next question.

  “Speaking of everything, how is it going?” I asked slowly.

  “Things blow over, right?” I wasn’t sure if that was a statement or a question. I nodded. “Then everything will be fine soon.” She smiled confidently. Her smile was contagious, and I couldn’t help returning it. I gave her a sideways hug, and we watched three more episodes together.

  Chapter 23

  I was used to keeping my head down and eyes on the ground by the end of the week. I didn’t have to do much to draw attention to myself. The picture was still floating around, and by the crowd that surrounded Henry and Byron, I began to believe that they made up. It was his life. Who he chose as a friend was purely up to him. I tried not to worry about it. I just desperately wanted that flashy thingy from Men in Black. I’d flashy-thingy the whole town of Brownsburg if it came down to it. I had avoided Jade and Tasha, and was feeling the distance between us splitting to a crater-size gap. I found them at our usual table at lunch though. I sat, determined not to show how frayed on the ends I was.

  “Look out, Tasha. We have the swimsuit model in our presence. Can I have your autograph?” Jade asked dryly. Tasha avoided my eyes.

  “That’s not fair. I didn’t know they took my picture. I was in my yard laying out,” I defended.

  “I don’t know why you didn’t expect this.” She glared at me.

  “What does that mean?”

  “You didn’t see this coming? Tasha saw this coming; I saw this coming. Hell, Derrick was waiting for this to come.” She cut her eyes in the direction of where he always sat. I followed her gaze, and there he was, licking his lips at me. I cringed.

  “Sorry, not everyone has the perfect twenty-twenty perspective that you do. I don’t get you. I thought you were my friend, but you’re really not acting like it these days, are you?” Trying to remain calm, I squeezed my hands into fists in my lap.

  Jade frowned and said, “Aren’t you a little tired of the charade? All this unwanted attention? Henry and Chase are going to get tired of defending your honor all the time only to find out you’re lying to both of them. All this lying is going to catch up to you.” Tasha watched me warily.

  “I’m not lying to Chase about anything. He seems to be the only one who actually likes me for me. As far as Henry goes, I’ve backed off, but I’m finally being noticed by him. Do you know what that means?” I asked. I thought my friends would be happy for me. Finally, I was someone.

  “But at what cost?” Jade countered. “He’s with Farrah.” She continued rising and leaned over the table to say in a hushed tone, “Who isn’t even real. How is he going to feel when he realizes it was you al
l along? Neither Tasha nor I like who you are becoming.” Tasha squeaked at the mention of her name, but Jade shot her a stern look. A bit deflated, I stood to continue holding Jade’s eye.

  “Farrah’s the butterfly; I’m the worm,” I said sadly.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Farrah is the butterfly, and I’m the worm. I’ll never be what she is,” I said firmly.

  “You’re ridiculous, and not only are you lying to Henry, you’re also lying to yourself. You need to grow up!”

  “I need to grow up; this whole thing wasn’t even my idea!” Our voices rose, and people around us began to look our way. Tasha stood and put a hand on each of our arms. We hadn’t fought since Jade’s parents had gone through their divorce. During that time, she was emotional, confrontational, and a bit self-destructive. Tasha was right though. These fights felt like back then; only a small part of me felt that I was the one being self-destructive. I pushed that away as soon as the thought appeared, refusing to give any weight to it. Chase rose from where he sat a few tables over and came to stand beside me.

  “No, but you’ve taken it to a whole new level.” Jade glared.

  “You’re just jealous.”

  “Of what, you? I’d never want to be you! Especially now.” That blindsided me.

  “You’re not acting like my friend.” My anger bubbled back up.

  “Maybe we aren’t friends,” Jade said glaring at me. Tasha looked at the ground.

  “Is everything OK?” Chase asked as he appraised us all standing there, Jade with arms crossed over her chest, Tasha bouncing from foot to foot, and me with my fists clenched.

  “No, it’s not, but you don’t have to worry about it; it’s between us.” Jade turned her glare on him.

  “Maybe you guys need to calm down and talk later.” He watched us closely. How was he the voice of reason?

  “Maybe we need to never talk again and just forget about later,” she said, returning her gaze to me.

  “What do you mean?” I asked shakily, as I realized she was speaking about our sleepover.

  “Just what I said.” She turned and grabbed Tasha by the elbow and dragged her away.

  “That was harsh. Did you have to be so harsh?” Tasha asked under her breath, but I still heard it. My eyes felt heavy and glassy as large pools of tears burned and threatened to escape. Chase watched me watching them leave.

  “Are you OK?” he asked, putting his hand on my shoulder. I looked around; I definitely had an audience now.

  I shrugged away his hand as I turned and stomped off, suddenly losing my appetite. I left him standing there staring after me. I wondered if he was contemplating chasing after me, but I didn’t want to be rescued so I made sure he couldn’t find me.

  I was beside myself. This was the first Friday night that I hadn’t spent with Jade and Tasha because of a World War III fight. I could count on my hands the sleepovers we’d missed due to cheer camp or vacations—never because of a fight. I lay across my bed reading a magazine but not really paying attention it. Did I lose my best friends today? There was a knock at my door; I looked up hoping they had decided that they couldn’t spend their Friday night without me either, but Chase slowly opened the door, and my room suddenly smelled like Chinese food.

  “I thought you could use some company.” He looked at me shyly. “And comfort food.” He held up the bag.

  “Thanks,” I said half-heartedly. We made a picnic on my bed and shared our boxes, trading off every so often. It felt like the most natural thing to do, and that comforted me. Then we played video games. He was surprisingly good. I settled in on the floor in my usual spot first, and eventually he moved down from my bed, right against me. He kept bumping me with his elbow and making me miss my targets.

  “Hey! We’re on the same team!” I growled.

  “Yes, but points still matter,” he smirked, bumping me again.

  “Seriously! Stop! Dude!”

  “Dude? Wow, you turn into a guy when you play these games.” He nudged me again. I paused the game and threw my control.

  “THAT’S IT!” I slammed into him, and he deflected me easily, laughing again as I rolled across the floor. It was the same laugh he’d given me in Columbus. I was too annoyed to appreciate it though.

  “OOWW!” I rubbed my elbow and retrieved my controller, returning to my spot a few inches farther away from him.

  “Are you OK?” he asked with concern, still smiling but looking at my elbow.

  “Fine,” I grumbled as I stared at the TV and shot his guy in the face.

  “Hey! We’re on the same team!” Then I smiled. “And I almost had you in points,” he growled, but not as fiercely as I had. I gave him my most innocent look, and then his eyes smoldered as they lingered on me, suddenly making my breath catch.

  We played for a few more hours. He really was the only friend I had left— the one who saw me for me and who thought of me when I could imagine a hundred other ways for him to spend his Friday evening. I was grateful. After the fight with Jade and Tasha, I could really use a friend. Finally, close to one a.m., we cleaned up our Chinese, and I walked him downstairs. I followed him all the way out to his car. We stood in the middle of the empty, sleepy street; he leaned against his car, and I stood in front of him about a foot away. I looked up at the moon, wondering what I would say when I saw my friends on Monday, or if I’d see them sooner. Would I just go over to Tasha’s house in the morning and apologize? Should I apologize? I was lost.

  “Everything is going to be OK. You guys will make up.” He gazed across the street. I only nodded. He straightened up and pulled me into a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his shirt. He smelled like fabric softener and his soap, my favorite smell in the whole wide world. I took a deep breath and suddenly felt my eyes watering. My breath caught, and he squeezed me tighter. I clung to him. “I promise,” he breathed into my hair, and when he kissed my temple softly, my heart pounded against him. He loosened his hold, dropped his hand to my waist, and leaned back to look at me. My eyes questioned his. Why had he kissed me? Just to comfort me? Or was there more? I didn’t understand. He tilted my chin toward him. Suddenly, it was as if I had stepped out of my body and watched him do this with another girl, a cool, popular girl, but no—it was me. His eyes searched my face. I held my breath, and he leaned into me. His lips were soft, and every nerve in my body reacted. I moved my arms around his neck, and he pulled me tight against him again. I never imagined my first kiss would be with Chase, or that it would feel this good. Our heartbeats matched, and he turned us and I was now leaning against his car. He was pressed against me, reacting to me as much as I was to him. I didn’t think. If I had, I would have been wondering why I was kissing him when all I wanted was Henry. No, I wasn’t thinking about Henry. I was thinking about how good Chase’s soft hair felt between my fingers, how his hands were tracing my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my waist, my sides. He had magic fingers. I was thinking how this was the Best. First. Kiss. Ever.

  Headlights blinded my left side and brought me out of my reverie. I broke our kiss to look at what monstrosity had invaded my perfect moment. Chase leaned in and made a soft trail of kisses across my cheek toward my ear, almost drawing me back in, but my eyes focused on the approaching car. I knew that car. Who was it? I was in a fog and nothing seemed real. Then the car turned into Henry’s driveway. It was Byron’s car, and that snapped me out of it. I groaned and leaned my head back away from Chase. That brought him out of the kissing induced trance he seemed to have been in. He looked at me a bit confused, and then his gaze followed to where the car was parking and where I kept looking. He pulled his hands away from me and stepped back as though I were on fire. Henry and Byron got out of the car and tried really hard not to look at us, but they failed miserably. I looked back into Chase’s eyes. As well as I’d gotten to know him, I couldn’t read this expression. I just stood there, stupidly, with nothing to say.

  “Can you move? I need to go,�
� he said, setting his jaw as he motioned for me to move with his keys.