Something Like Thunder

by Jay Bell

  Mr. Hubbard appeared surprised. Then he nodded and reached for his beer, placing his hands on it without pulling it close. “I want you to know that if Caesar’s tutor had been a young woman who we invited into our home, and history ran the same course, she also would have been asked to leave.”

  “Then you better keep an eye on him,” Nathaniel said, “because I remember him flirting shamelessly with every woman he came in contact with.”

  This seemed to cheer up Mr. Hubbard. He lifted his glass and waited for Nathaniel to do the same. Then they clinked brims before taking their first sip. Or first gulp as it turned out. More followed, accompanied by conversation. Mr. Hubbard asked Nathaniel about his family, how that situation had developed, and his life at the University of Houston—the perfect segue for what Nathaniel wanted to discuss.

  “My life got off track,” Nathaniel said. “Two years ago. Because of everything.”

  “Considering how many difficulties you were facing, I’d say you managed to stay the course.”

  “Not as much as I would have liked. As you know, I’d been accepted into Yale. I passed on that for reasons I felt were justified at the time, but now I’d like a second chance.”

  “Have you sent an appeal?”

  “To the admissions committee, yeah. I haven’t heard anything back, even though I maintain a near-perfect GPA. I know competition is fierce and there aren’t a lot of openings. My gut says I’m not going to get in, but I thought—” He exhaled. “There’s no easy way to ask this.”

  Mr. Hubbard emptied his glass, staring at it as he thought. “You know what always stuck with me? When Constance—Mrs. Hubbard—when she told me why you were no longer living with us, she said that you asked—no, that you pleaded with her not to tell me. Why is that?”

  “Because I respect you,” Nathaniel said instantly, swallowing against the sudden emotion. “I knew I was breaking a promise, even before it happened. I knew how disappointed you would be, and didn’t want that to happen. I really didn’t, so I fought against my own feelings. And I failed. Even if you say you can’t help me or won’t, I’ll always be grateful that you took me in, tried saving me from a bad situation. I just wish I had repaid your generosity by being a better man.”

  Mr. Hubbard looked over at him, expression somber. “You’re already on your way to being a great man. Who am I to stand in your way? I’ll make a few calls and see what I can do.”

  Nathaniel shook his head, but only because he was overwhelmed. “How can I ever repay you?”

  Mr. Hubbard raised his hand, signaling the bartender. “You can start by buying the next round.”

  * * * * *

  “Did you get that keg I asked for?”

  Nathaniel gestured Caesar inside. If money made the world go round, alcohol kept the gears greased. How ironic that he had so recently bought Mr. Hubbard a drink. Now he had bought one for his son. A large one. He crossed the common area to his private room and knocked on the metal barrel there. Caesar squatted next to the keg, eyes lighting up as if it were treasure.

  “I want that thing wiped down,” Nathaniel said. “Make sure my fingerprints aren’t on it. And if you’re stupid enough to get caught—”

  “I won’t squeal,” Caesar said.

  “I shouldn’t have done this. A keg is too much.”

  “It’s to celebrate graduation!”

  “Which is still weeks away.”

  “Close enough,” Caesar said, standing again. “Thank you.”

  Nathaniel shrugged. “This is the last time.”

  “For real? If you think I’m not drinking in college, then you’re crazy. It’s not like you’ll be there to chaperone me anyway.” Caesar’s grin faltered. “Sorry. Dumb joke.”

  Nathaniel didn’t take it personally, but instead felt this proved his theory. The separate paths ahead of them were the only issue keeping them apart. “We made a promise.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you think you’ll get into Yale?”

  “If I don’t, I’m as good as dead.”

  Nathaniel nodded, then walked to the small desk. He picked up a letter that had arrived barely a week after his meeting with Caesar’s father at the hotel bar. Was the timing coincidence, or did Mr. Hubbard really have that much influence? Nathaniel fingered the torn edge along the top of the envelope before he turned around. “What if we tried to keep that promise?”

  Caesar eyed him for a moment, then sat on the bed. “I’m not sure that’s possible anymore.”

  “Why? Because at the end of summer, you’ll be flying to Connecticut?”

  “Assuming I get into Yale.”

  “Is there really any doubt?”

  Caesar averted his eyes.

  “There’s something you aren’t telling me.”

  Caesar exhaled. “I got accepted.”

  “What?” Nathaniel grinned. “That’s great! Why didn’t you say so?”

  “It felt like bragging. I still feel shitty because you got accepted once, and not because of who your father is. You gave all that up for me, and then I…” Caesar shook his head.

  Nathaniel moved closer. “I still love you. You know that, right?”

  Caesar’s eyes widened. “After what I did?”

  “Love is either a curse or a blessing, depending on how the other person feels. So I guess I’m asking. Which is it?”

  “You know how I feel,” Caesar said, looking pained. “I just don’t have the right to say it. Not now.”

  “You don’t need to because love never goes away.” Nathaniel sat next to him on the mattress. “Do you still love Steph? Honestly. Do you love her more than a friend, even if that’s all you can be to each other?”

  Caesar nodded.

  “And have you loved other people since?”

  “Yeah, and that’s why—”

  “It doesn’t matter. We can’t control who we fall in love with, so what sense is there in placing blame?” Nathaniel stood again and started pacing, fearing the answer to the next question. “What I want to know is who you love most. Out of everyone you’ve ever loved. Tell me now, because two years ago I turned my life upside down for you. I’m about to do so again, and you might think the truth will hurt me—”

  “It’s you.” Caesar’s voice was hoarse. “I know it’s you. But it’s not that simple.”

  Nathaniel exhaled in relief before he spun around. “I met with your father.”

  Caesar blinked a few times. “You what?”

  “I needed a favor.” Nathaniel held out the envelope. “A promise is a promise.”

  He watched as Caesar unfolded the letter, his eyes darting around it as he scanned the information there. “My dad did this for you?”

  Nathaniel frowned. “Hey, I busted my balls for the last two years to make this happen! For me, and also for you. Just in case.”

  Caesar glanced up, looking amused. “You always did have great balls.”

  “You sure? The memory cheats.” Nathaniel stepped closer to him. “Maybe you should double-check.” There it was again, a flicker of uncertainty. “Yeah, you hurt me. It happens. All I care about is being with you and keeping that promise. So decide. Right now. It’s your move.”

  Caesar set aside the letter, bit his bottom lip, and stared at him with a pleading expression. Nathaniel offered his hand. He pulled Caesar to his feet once he took it, their bodies almost touching.

  “Decide,” Nathaniel repeated. He kept his eyes open, remaining motionless as Caesar leaned near. Only when their lips touched did he react by kissing back, grabbing Caesar and squeezing him tight. The kiss intensified. Nathaniel felt like he’d been holding his breath for all these years, finally able to suck in sweet oxygen once more.

  Caesar broke the kiss with a gasp, leaned back a little, and grinned mischievously.

  “What?” Nathaniel asked.

  “I need you to let go of me so you can take off your shirt.”

  Nathaniel released him. Caesar walked backward until he bumped aga
inst the bed. Then he flopped onto it, reclining on his side, elbow bent and head propped up on his hand as he watched Nathaniel peel off his shirt.

  “You really do look like a prince,” Nathaniel said, flexing casually. “Just don’t forget who I am.”

  Caesar laughed. “What do people say during chess? No wait, it’s checkers.” He rolled onto his back and grinned. “King me.”

  Nathaniel sauntered forward and did just that.

  * * * * *

  The celebration of their reunion was short-lived. Getting perfect grades was more crucial than ever, Nathaniel not wanting to jeopardize his good fortune with a less-than-perfect GPA. Focusing on his studies wasn’t easy, not with visions of Caesar traipsing through his mind. Nathaniel did his best, wishing for more time, patience, energy… Ironically, when he and Caesar did meet, they reverted to their old roles. Nathaniel helped tutor him, and Caesar studied hard to end his high school education on the highest note possible.

  The effort was exhausting, enough that he felt like throwing it all away, just for one night when he could focus on what mattered most. With this in mind, he lay in bed, thumb moving over the keys of his phone, digital text expressing his equally intangible emotions.

  sick of class. sick of studying. sick of everything.

  Caesar’s response came soon after. Does everything include me?

  no im not sick of you.

  That’s good, because if you were, I’d send tons of these :( :( :(

  that would break my heart.

  Then meet me. If you still want to.

  of course I still want to. when and where?

  Sunday, noon, campus library

  Same place as last time, which probably meant more studying. He sighed and texted back. ok ill be there. sweet dreams my lonely prince

  Sleep well my handsome king. And then another. I love you.

  I love you too.

  Just knowing they would see each other again lifted Nathaniel’s spirits when Sunday arrived. He woke, showered, and treated himself to a real breakfast—not just the Pop-Tarts he sometimes wolfed down. Then he walked to the campus library, which was beginning to feel like a second home. Once he had been impressed by the multi-story wings filled with endless rows of books, or the main hall that was open to the floor above. His wonder had long ago faded to apathy. Nathaniel trudged back and forth to multiple departments to get the books he needed and those he was sure would help Caesar. He returned to the main hall, travelling up to the second floor and choosing a table near one of the rails. From here he could see the entrance on the first floor. He arranged his books and tried to focus but couldn’t. His eyes kept returning to the entrance, waiting for his prince to arrive.

  Once Caesar walked in, Nathaniel hid behind a book. When his phone rumbled, he pulled it out so he could see.

  Where are you? This place always confuses me.

  i’m the minotaur, Nathaniel texted back, this is my maze. come find me.

  He saw Caesar frown at the message, then look exasperated and head into one of the wings.

  colder, he texted

  Caesar returned, standing in the main hall. Then he looked up. Nathaniel quickly ducked behind his book again. Too late. He heard footsteps on the stairs, the rhythm pausing on the top step. Then, a few moments later, the book was ripped from his hands. Nathaniel maintained a bored expression, not registering surprise or moving in the slightest. Caesar laughed, then leaned across the table to nuzzle their noses together. Nathaniel grimaced at this cuteness, so Caesar moved in for a kiss. Just a peck. A taste of what they would do later in Nathaniel’s dorm room. Unless they found privacy here first.

  He felt someone watching them and turned to see a younger guy standing there. His hair was messy and nearly covered his eyes, his expression slack-jawed in disbelief. Probably some yokel from the sticks who thought guys shouldn’t kiss guys, but that fornicating with farm animals was perfectly fine. Nathaniel glared to frighten him away. The kid didn’t move. Caesar made a frustrated noise and turned to see what the interruption was. The kid groaned, sounding like an animal in pain. What was he going to do next, drop to his knees and pray for their immortal souls?

  “What are you staring at?” Nathaniel snapped.

  “I know him,” Caesar murmured. “He’s my foster brother.”

  Nathaniel peered at him again, trying to age down the features. “Peter?”

  Caesar shook his head. “No. This is Jason. The new one.”

  “Ah.” Nathaniel didn’t know why Caesar had brought him along, but he must be trustworthy or he wouldn’t be here. From what Caesar had told him, Jason didn’t see eye-to-eye with his would-be parents. Nathaniel stood and walked up to him, offering his hand. “In that case, it’s nice to finally meet my new baby brother.”

  He thought the sarcasm was apparent, but Jason still seemed confused when he spoke. “You’re a Hubbard?”

  “No more than you are. How’s my old room?”

  Jason’s face twisted, a number of emotions playing out before he settled on anger. He glanced at Caesar before glowering at Nathaniel defiantly. “Your old room is about to become available again. Feel free to move back in!” Then he turned and stomped off, heading toward the stairs.

  “Jason! Jason!”

  Nathaniel spun around, watching as Caesar called after him, pain etched across his features. Almost unwillingly, Nathaniel reinterpreted events. Caesar hadn’t brought Jason along or he would have seen them arriving together. Jason’s reaction hadn’t been revulsion or disapproval at witnessing two men kiss, the emotional intensity closer to jealousy. Or betrayal. Nathaniel moved to the rail, looking down at the first floor where Jason paused briefly in front of the entrance, shaking his head as if chastising himself for being so stupid.

  Nathaniel felt like doing the same. Then he addressed Caesar. “Aren’t you going to chase after him?”

  Caesar struggled within himself, breathing in and out through his nose before he answered. “No.”

  Nathaniel looked to the entrance again, but Jason was gone. “Tell me this was one-sided, that his reaction was based on unrequited love and nothing more.”

  “I’m not going to lie to you,” Caesar said.

  “Didn’t you already?”

  “No! I tried telling you, but you said I couldn’t help what I feel. You said you wouldn’t blame me for that.”

  Nathaniel huffed, feeling more like a minotaur than ever. Or just a bull, because he felt like charging. “How far has this gone?”

  “Too far. I’ve been meaning to break it off. He just showed up in my room one night and… I had no idea, but I liked him. Jason is a good person, and I didn’t want to hurt him, or you, and I figured if I could just make it to Yale, then everything would play out naturally.”

  Nathaniel remained motionless, picturing his old room, then Caesar’s, and all the risks they had taken in both. That had felt special to him. And now… He turned to face Caesar. “Funny how history repeats itself.”

  “Yeah.”

  Nathaniel took one of the books off the table and flung it at him, Caesar hopping backward to prevent it from hitting his legs. “No, it’s not fucking funny!” He took another book and threw it. This time it thunked against his target’s chest. “I needed to know this!”

  Caesar looked hurt, more by his intent than the physical pain. “I’m sorry!”

  “What good does that do? What’s going to happen if he goes home and tells your parents about us?”

  “He won’t,” Caesar spluttered. “I know he won’t!”

  “You don’t know shit! You don’t think your dad can undo what he’s done? What about us, huh? Why do you have to ruin everything?”

  Nathaniel swiped an arm across the table, sending the rest of the books flying. Heads were peeking around the aisles to see what the commotion was. He rounded on them, almost snarling. Instead he bared his teeth, kicked at one of the books, and made for the stairs. Caesar kept up with him, remaining a few steps behind, maybe i
n case Nathaniel swung at him. He wouldn’t though. As pissed as he was, he wouldn’t let himself turn into Dwight. Once was enough.

  Caesar remained silent until they were outside. Then he began to plead. “Just let me explain. Please. Don’t shut me out. Please!”

  Nathaniel’s head was throbbing along with his heart, his veins, his blood. He felt like a bomb ready to explode. “One hour,” he said. “My place. No promises.”

  That’s all he managed. Caesar nodded dumbly, which for some reason made him even more angry, so he turned and headed for home.

  * * * * *

  Caesar told him everything from beginning to end, a story about an aloof kid his parents had taken in. How Caesar ignored him at first, before discovering someone who was at times sweet and vulnerable, at others impossible and stubborn. Jason Grant. He became a part of Caesar’s life about the time Nathaniel had reached out from the past. Caesar found himself between two men, one who insisted on only being friends, the other who he thought was straight. Until he found Jason in his room one night.

  Caesar spent an inordinate amount of time describing how much he cared for Jason, the conversations they shared, the near scrapes they had gotten into, even intimate details, which seemed cruel at first. Eventually Nathaniel understood. Caesar wanted him to know that he loved Jason. This wasn’t a casual affair. In fact, it wasn’t an affair at all.

  “We’ve been together a few months.” Caesar sat on the floor, his back pressed against the bed. Nathaniel sat across from him in a small office chair, arms crossed over his chest like a bandage to seal the wound. “I didn’t cheat on you to be with him. I cheated on him to be with you.”

  “That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Nathaniel grumbled.

  “Nothing I can say will,” Caesar said wearily. “I hurt you again, and the fucked-up thing is—what I said two years ago? I think I was right. Until we can be together, we shouldn’t have tried. We’re so close to Yale. To everything being perfect.”

  “I know.”

  “We should have waited.”