Something Like Thunder

by Jay Bell

  “And then what?” Nathaniel challenged. “You’ll finally settle down? Right. Sure. Up until the next temptation—probably some young lawyer—attracts your attention and you stray.”

  “It’s not about conquest. Or sex. I wish it was because then I could get it out of my system.” Caesar hung his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I fall in love too easily.”

  Nathaniel thought of his speech, how he had promised he wouldn’t blame Caesar, and maybe he didn’t. Not for this. Feelings came unbidden. But other issues remained unresolved. “You know what pisses me off? You’re incapable of shutting your mouth in the bedroom, all we’ve done recently is text for hours on end, and when we’re together, it’s rare we ever share a silent moment. And yet, somehow you never managed to mention this guy that you’re dating or all these feelings you supposedly have. I’m starting to think it’s all bullshit. Maybe you’re not secretive or sensitive. Maybe you’re just hollow.”

  Caesar raised his head, looking more defiant. “Sounds like someone I know.”

  “Because I don’t like talking about my past?”

  “Or your present! At least it was back then. Whatever happened was bad enough that you came to live with us, and I still don’t know why because you hid it all from me.”

  “Not all of it,” Nathaniel said, shaking his head wearily. “I was trying to spare you.”

  “That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you about Jason.”

  Touché. Nathaniel looked away. “What now?”

  Caesar was quiet. “I’m surprised you’re open to suggestions. I love you. I know you probably don’t believe that—”

  “If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be in my room right now.”

  “And I love him,” Caesar said, his voice sounding choked. “But not as much as I love you. So when I leave here, I’m going home and telling him the truth. He deserves to hear it.”

  “And if he forgives you?”

  “He won’t. It’s over. I’ll stay away from him. From you too. When we start our new lives at Yale, I can only hope you’ll give me one more chance.”

  “No,” Nathaniel said. He let the pain remain on Caesar’s face for a moment, hating the sadistic pleasure this gave him because that’s not what love should be about. “You won’t stay away from me. Not with summer so close. You’ll take every opportunity you can to be with me. Then, in Connecticut, we’ll continue, but without having to hide.”

  Caesar stared briefly before he nodded, but he looked too exhausted to smile. They had talked for hours without food or drink. The sun had gone down, and what they both probably needed was fresh air and a good meal, but not together. Not before the sacrificial lamb had been slaughtered.

  “Go home.” Nathaniel stood. “Do what you have to do.”

  Caesar got to his feet and wavered there uncertainly, probably wondering if some affectionate gesture would accompany his departure.

  “Go!” Nathaniel snarled. Then he turned his back, remaining motionless until he heard the door shut behind him.

  * * * * *

  Nathaniel finished pouring out his heart, trying to summarize the whole messy situation, which meant talking nonstop for almost half an hour. He looked across the restaurant table questioningly, wishing Rebecca was there instead. Ever since he and Caesar had started meeting again, she had been depressed about not having a relationship of her own. Calling her to whine about his situation seemed especially heartless, which is why his mother was sitting across from him looking bewildered.

  “Well,” she said. “Hm.”

  “That’s it?” Nathaniel said. “You’re always asking about my personal life. That’s all you have to say?”

  “I’m glad you opened up to me. I’m just not sure I understood it all. Who cheated on whom?”

  “That depends how you look at it. We made a promise years ago, but in this most recent round, Jason got there first.”

  Star still looked confused.

  “Caesar cheated, that’s all you need to know.”

  “Kick him to the curb?” she tried.

  Nathaniel shook his head. “Not going to happen. I’ve already gone through the worst. I’m not giving up now. Otherwise it’s all been for nothing.”

  His mother brushed a lock of blonde hair behind one ear. “This isn’t a game of odds. Lightning does strike twice, no matter what anyone says. That you’ve been hurt isn’t a guarantee of good times ahead. Often it’s the opposite.”

  “I suppose you would know.”

  “Yes, I would! I’m through denying it. The counseling sessions are going great, by the way.”

  “That’s good,” Nathaniel said. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. I want to forgive Dad. You know that, right? I want to believe he can change.”

  Star nodded. “I know. He’s working hard to prove himself to us both.”

  Nathaniel studied her. “Maybe I’m the one in denial, but the more I think about it, the less certain I am that Caesar did anything wrong. He should have told me about Jason sooner, but I don’t blame him for having feelings. Our hearts don’t switch off just because we love one person. That’s not how it works.”

  His mother’s expression said he was being foolish. “You sound like your father.”

  “Really?”

  “I mean Victor.”

  “Wow! Really?”

  “Yes. Don’t sound so excited. He was always going on about things like this.” She made her voice sound deep. “‘People don’t stop wanting other people.’ How many times did I hear that? Or, ‘By giving ourselves one label, we deny all the other things we could have been.’”

  “He said that?” Nathaniel asked. “Wait, is it true?”

  “Honey, it’s double-speak for ‘I don’t want a relationship because I want to screw around.’” This revelation didn’t make him happy, and that must have shown on his face because she lightened her tone. “He liked getting philosophical, and I always gave him a hard time about it. That’s all.”

  “Were there other women? Was he screwing around on you?”

  Star turned her head toward the center of the restaurant, watching a family being seated. For a second she looked more like a lovesick teenager than a grown woman. “Not another woman. Another man.”

  Nathaniel stared until she met his eyes again. “Victor was gay?”

  “Obviously not,” she scolded, “or you wouldn’t be here.”

  After a moment of tension, they both laughed. “Seriously?” Nathaniel asked gently. “He was bisexual? Do you think that’s why I’m gay?”

  “Who knows how these things work? I wouldn’t trade you for the world or change a thing about you.” His mother smiled. “Looking back, I’m grateful to him for being so fearless about who he was. When you came out—of the closet I mean, not from me—”

  “Mom!”

  “Sorry. But when you told me you were gay, having known Victor made it easy to accept. In a way, it was like meeting an old friend again, because you are like him.”

  This made him smile. “So who was this other guy? Do you know where he lives?”

  Star shook her head. “His name was Jace. I don’t remember a last name. As eager as he was to get out of Warrensburg, I doubt he ever returned there. When Jace left for college, that was it between him and Victor.”

  “Were there other guys? Or girls?”

  “Victor got a little funny toward the end. He mostly kept to himself. The last time I saw him, he was on his own. I was scared for him and we got into an argument. Or at least I got upset. He kept his cool as always, lecturing me about how people might want other people, but that they don’t need them. I argued that human contact is just as important as food and water, and that going without—” Star took a deep breath, pressed a finger to the corner of one eye and then the other. “—that going without was like committing suicide. I really wish I had chosen my words better.”

  “That was the last time you ever saw him?”

  His mother nodded, b
usying herself with her purse even though she didn’t seem to have a specific goal in mind.

  Nathaniel pressed on. “How come you didn’t tell me sooner? About his sexuality, I mean.”

  “Because he was always so vague about it. About everything really.” She laughed, as if this was more amusing than frustrating. “He couldn’t be pinned down most of the time. You were so sure of yourself, gay and proud, right out of the gate. Telling you that Victor was bisexual would have meant explaining who your biological father was. At the time, I figured you had enough to deal with.”

  “And when I finally found out?”

  Star exhaled. “Once again, I worried about overburdening you. Should I have? Would it have made a difference?”

  “No,” Nathaniel admitted. He frowned and considered the coffee cup sitting before him, the wisps of steam growing weak as it cooled. “Does love always involve so many secrets?”

  Star took a deep breath and sighed. “Not when it’s done right.”

  Nathaniel leaned back and thought about it all. “I know you’ll probably hate this question, but if I told Victor about my situation with Caesar, what do you think he would say?”

  Star gave this serious consideration. “He’d lecture you about how concepts such as commitment and infidelity only get in the way of natural feelings, none of which can or should be denied. Then he’d probably ask you to buy him some cigarettes. Or to give him a ride somewhere.”

  This caused her to laugh. He joined her, amused by the sensation of having just received advice from both of his biological parents. Maybe Victor was right. If feelings were natural, and especially if they couldn’t be denied, how could they ever be a betrayal? Nathaniel just wished his own feelings weren’t so hurt.

  * * * * *

  People don’t stop wanting other people.

  As the summer progressed, Nathaniel sought the truth of this statement. Rather than pay the excessive rent on his dorm room, he returned home. Dwight no longer lived there, having started a new life with Sheila in a one-bedroom apartment. When he did visit, usually to load up on food or whatever else he could grab, an increasingly huge Sheila was with him. Somehow her presence kept Dwight in check, although Nathaniel still went on the defensive anytime he was around.

  Mostly Nathaniel prepared for his new life in Connecticut while considering the wisdom of a man he had never met. Caesar still wanted other people. No doubt about it. As for himself, Nathaniel wasn’t so sure. He searched himself for any indiscretion, any sign that Caesar hadn’t been his sole interest since they met. He even flirted with a clerk at a mall clothing store and popped into a few gay chat rooms as if on the prowl, but these things didn’t move him. He already had a boyfriend, and despite all his imperfections, he loved Caesar deeply. If personality traits could be inherited or learned, then Nathaniel’s views on relationships came from his mother: loyal to a fault.

  He put more faith in her advice too. Lightning does strike twice. Chances were good that Caesar would mess up again, and unless Nathaniel really could be more like his biological father, that betrayal would hurt like hell. He tried to understand how love worked for people like Caesar and Victor, hoping to soften the blow. He still wasn’t prepared when the inevitable happened.

  The men of the Hubbard house took a hunting trip every year. Nathaniel had once been invited before falling from grace, although he didn’t regret missing out. Part of him couldn’t help worrying, which was silly, because Jason and Caesar lived together. From what he understood, they avoided each other like the plague these days, but a cabin in the woods was a different environment. Less supervision, more privacy. He couldn’t help but wonder, so he texted Caesar at every opportunity. Then, one morning, the responses ceased. Late that night a text came that had him chewing his nails.

  Everything is fucked. Lay low. No texts no visits. I love you! I’m sorry.

  He lost sleep trying to decipher this message. The first part only told him that disaster had happened. But in what form? Maybe Jason had finally taken his revenge, revealed that Nathaniel and Caesar were seeing each other. Or maybe Mr. Hubbard had discovered an unlocked cell phone full of their texts. That would explain Caesar’s plea to stay low and not to text. No visits? Nathaniel didn’t know where the cabin was. Had they returned home? The declaration of love was nice, but the last part worried him most. I’m sorry.

  He had a few theories about that one, none of them pleasant.

  Nathaniel waited three days for the truth to arrive. It was preceded by a text that simply said, Your place, five minutes?

  He responded in the affirmative, then paced up and down the driveway. When Caesar’s car arrived, the passenger seat wasn’t empty. Steph didn’t appear pleased.

  “I needed my parents to see me leaving with her,” Caesar explained when he stepped out of the car. He didn’t smile. His face was gaunt, which made Nathaniel’s stomach sink. Just how bad was the situation? “Can we talk inside?”

  Nathaniel scowled. “You’re going to make her wait in the car?”

  “We don’t have much time.”

  That news didn’t make him happy. He led the way inside to his bedroom where they were less likely to be disturbed. Once there he turned to embrace Caesar, but found a restraining hand on his chest.

  “You need to hear everything first,” Caesar said.

  Nathaniel nodded glumly, already knowing what was coming.

  “My parents caught me,” Caesar said, voice strained. “My little brother, Peter. He came into the room one morning, and I was… Jason was hurting. Emotionally. The hunting trip was a disaster. You should have seen him. He was so messed up, so traumatized, and he begged me and I knew I shouldn’t but we…. I made him promise it would never happen again. So in the morning, I was holding him. That’s when Peter discovered us.”

  Nathaniel glowered. “Did you do more than just hold him?”

  Caesar looked away. “We were both naked. If you need details, I’ll tell you.”

  “No.” Nathaniel considered the nearest wall and thought about punching a few holes in it. He’d been preparing himself for this eventuality, but the news still stung. “So now your parents suspect the truth about you. That’s why you told me to stay away.”

  “No,” Caesar said, meeting his eyes again. “Now they know the truth because I told them. Not just about me, but you. They don’t know that we’re together now—if I can even still say that—but I told them how much I loved you. They can’t pretend anymore that you were abusing your position, leading me down a path I didn’t understand. Your name has been cleared.”

  “Until your father finds out that I’ve been seeing you behind his back, even asking his help getting into Yale, just to be with his son. You really think he’ll give his blessing after learning all of that?”

  “No. They’re acting crazy. They sent Jason away.”

  “Good.”

  “Not good!” Caesar said, his voice rising. “It’s completely fucked up! Jason was starting to fit in! Think how much it hurts that you never got to meet your real father. Then pretend that your mom died when you were little and you had no grandparents to save you. Instead you get thrown into some stupid home and bounce from family to family, never fitting in. When you finally find one that clicks, you fall in love with their screwed-up son and are punished by being cast back into the wild. He doesn’t have anyone anymore! Not even me.”

  Nathaniel watched Caesar wipe at his eyes, trying to make sense of his own emotions. On one hand, he felt betrayed. Logical or not, that’s how he felt. On the other, Caesar clearly loved Jason, wanted more for him, sympathized with his plight. But all of that was out of Nathaniel’s control. What could he say? What could he do?

  “I love you,” Caesar said, “and I’m sorry I ruined everything. Not just for you. My family is miserable, you must hate me, and Jason—” He shook his head. “I deserve to lose you. This is my punishment. I feel like I’m dying inside, but I hope that feeling never stops, because it’s what I’ve g
ot coming!” He thumped his chest once, lips trembling. “I wanted you to hear the truth from me in person. I owe you that much. I’m sorry.”

  Caesar turned and walked out the door. Nathaniel let him go. He stood there and tried to imagine what his future held now, what Caesar was returning home to, and how Jason probably felt he had neither future nor home. Then he hurried from the room and out of the house. Caesar, who had opened the car door, looked at him in surprise, but not with hope.

  “I’m still going to Yale,” Nathaniel said. “Maybe it can be a fresh start. For us both.”

  Caesar clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring as he fought back tears. Then he nodded. Nathaniel held his gaze before he turned and went inside. Once he closed the door behind him, he pressed his back against it. People don’t stop wanting other people. Perhaps he had misinterpreted what Victor had been trying to say, because right now, despite all the emotional pain and logical reasons to let go, Nathaniel couldn’t. He still wanted who he wanted.

  Chapter Eleven

  Nathaniel waited. Doing so allowed him to test the convictions of his heart. Moving to Connecticut provided ample distraction, as did acclimating to a new campus, the awe Nathaniel felt for Yale replaced by intimidation. He soon overcame this though and found his stride. That’s when waiting truly became a challenge. He wanted to see Caesar. They had exchanged a few texts, during which Nathaniel admitted he wasn’t ready to risk getting hurt again. He didn’t ask Caesar to wait for him, since that seemed unlikely, but he hoped.

  The holidays were nearing, finals the only roadblock standing in the way of Christmas cheer. That’s when he decided he had waited long enough. His feelings hadn’t changed. The love he felt for Caesar hadn’t diminished, so he drove over to Caesar’s dorm unannounced, carrying a potted plant. The pulse in his neck was beating as he found the right door and knocked, not knowing what he would discover.

  A disheveled college student in need of a haircut, as it turned out. One who seemed to be suffering from sleep deprivation. Caesar’s eyes went wide as he opened the door and tried to make himself more presentable. Then he gave up and grinned sheepishly. He might be a tired mess, but as far as Nathaniel was concerned, he still looked gorgeous.