Sari Caste

by Catherine Kirby

  "The Arab uncle's here, Manasa. He has asked for you tonight." She made a semicircle over her stomach and blew out her cheeks to imitate him." Make sure he pays you well!"

  Supriya's humour always made me feel stronger. She said what she meant but unlike most outspoken people she chose her words sensitively and I felt a great respect for that. She took my dozing Lipika from me and laid her down. Lipika protested half-heartedly but Supriya was used to handling her. I crept out to meet the monster uncle, as I thought of him, with bitter contempt.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I woke. It was just dawn. I felt uneasy but was not sure at first what had awoken me. A trickle of sunlight filtered through the gaps at the edges of the curtains, ran down the wall, and across the floor like a file of glow-worms. The disturbance, that had seemed a muddled part of my dream, was excited voices coming from down the hall. I strained unsuccessfully to hear what was being said and who was saying it. I got up. Supriya, Lavali, Kajal, and the children were sleeping. I wound a length of muslin cloth around me as I moved slowly along the hallway. Harsh voices confronted each other in the visitors' room. Threats were now being hurled at Mona with gathering force. I slipped into my working room, which was close by and listened with the door ajar. Mona's voice sank so low, that at first, I was unable to hear her replies.

  A shrill male voice chided her "You have to give us more. We are busy men and we have plans. You must find the extra money. You have plenty of women and what about the children? They should not be lazy. Are you offering them as we told you? Sometimes these men get bored with women. They like to have children for a change of pleasures. You must train the children. The women can show them. Good children learn very fast."

  "It's starting. The customer you sent yesterday was pleased with the child, no? He will eventually take one but first I'm getting all I can out of the Arab. Soon, he too will take the boy and other children. You'll see then how hard I work for you. Everyone is working hard to please him very much. There is no laziness allowed. No one defies the rules I make." Mona replied. Strange, how her placating whine still held a mocking ring. I had never heard her having to appease anyone but why care about that. She'd spoken of Ch'en, and now they wanted the other children be used. With horror, I thought of Lipika. Surely she was too young? I realised I had stopped listening and I must listen.

  " ... That's your job. Ask him at least one lakh each. You must insist on that and nothing less than that." The voices seemed to be calming.

  A voice, harder than the others, warned, "This is better but some men prefer girls not children. Doesn't matter. You will arrange that. Remember what we said, Mona. It would be easy to close this place down and throw you all into the street but we are patient. Not everyone is so patient. Some places like this are burned down in the night. You must pay the price of our protection, so that you can be sure that no one, not even the police, will touch you. You have to give us the money we need for that. You understand me?" I did not hear a reply from Mona. Had she dared to bestow on them, one of her supercilious nods? I decided now was a good time to return to bed. I could hear them demanding cha as I melted away among the shadows.

  I lay in bed thinking about what I had heard. They were offering children to men like the monster uncle? Poor Ch'en. Poor little Ch'en. I felt tears of anger and distress running down my face. What could I do? These men were making huge sums of money out of us all. Sums I had never dreamed possible, yet they were now demanding more. My helpless fury rendered me ineffectual and ashamed. I could not tell Kajal. She would get so upset, we would be beaten or thrown out and then what would happen to us or to Ch'en? What about my own Lipika? I felt suddenly very sick. I refused to let my mind linger on these thoughts. I made a resolution, instead. I would work harder at taking whatever money I could get my hands on for my savings. That way we could survive on our own when we left. I hoped not to have to choose between Dinesh and Kajal but we must leave soon. Even begging could not be worse than this, but I would not go yet. These people had taken so much from us and given us back so little. I would take as much as I could from them first.

  I lay staring at the ceiling for a long time. I loved the children but I knew I could not help them all. It would be hard to leave them but I must protect Lipika. The pain was too much to bear. I had to stow it away in a far corner of my mind, so that I could be strong enough to work and carry out my plans.

  It was another day to get through, yet not like any of the others that I had lived. I thought back to the previous night. The monster uncle, I could not get him out of my mind. He was short and heavy. His breath came in exhausted puffs whenever he exerted himself. His hair was greasy and his breath sour. I hated the way he had leered at me, at the way he had taken great interest in every part of my body. He had poked and prodded my breasts, and pulled uncomfortably at the nipples as though I were some kind of creature he had never seen.

  He had made me spread myself out on the bed forcing my legs apart where he had sat naked, between them. I had flinched with the pain of his rough probing fingers. He had grinned his ugly self-indulgent grin while I had felt like an animal in the market. No, no animals were allowed more dignity than that. He had made me lie on my stomach while he had driven into that lower opening in me no other man had used, until I had cried out. He had laughed deep in his throat. For a long time he held me fast. I had felt like I was being twisted in a vice not even daring to beg for the torturer to let go, then, just as suddenly he had withdrawn. A fiery throbbing had seared through me. He had pinned down my arms as he pulled me over and crawled onto my front stealing his way back inside me. Again he worked his horrible ritual on my body crushing me almost to suffocation. With a few short spasms of his legs and torso it was done and he had slithered away and fallen asleep.

  I had been afraid to move. With increasing strength his snores had began to drone. I pulled myself onto my side and looked down on him. A kind of detached hate had filled me with revulsion. Only then, was I able to force myself to stand. I washed, and washed, and washed but the shame, and the throbbing did not go. Afraid he might repeat all this when he woke up, I had dragged myself off to fetch a tray of food to offer him. He slept for a long time. When he did wake he totally ignored my presence. He had grabbed at the food and drink shoving it all into that ugly hairy belly. It was as if I had disappeared. He dressed, threw his money contemptuously onto the floor, hurled a grunt at me, and left.

  I reeled from his brutal using and presumption, his hatred. There were to be no more customers for me until late evening. I lay in my working room sobbing angry tears. He would not reduce me to nothingness. In the afternoon when the others slept I stole into Mona's television room. I often watched alone. At that moment needing to blot out my thoughts. I stared numbly at the programmes that came by satellite as well as the Bollywood films.

  The films were exactly what I wanted. No need to follow closely: each formula was easy to remember. How soothing the music and singing. They drummed away my pain. The aching fell back, far back into the deeper recesses of my experience. At three o'clock every day I followed the simple English course I had been watching. To know I could learn something by myself gave me such delight. Another score to chalk up against Mona. Sometimes I took Lipika with me. It had a hypnotic effect on her and she would be dozing in no time. Occasionally, Kajal had put her head into the room to look. The rest of the day passed, as it must. I tried hard to concentrate but I had not the discipline. My mind flitted from Lipika and her needs and drifted to Mona, and how she must make us work harder or demand more money from customers. It crept away to the monster uncle shivered with revulsion and came back to what I was suppose to be doing or drifted off to songs from the Bollywood films. I was living an endless weary dream.

  "What is the matter with you, Manasa?" Lavali snapped. "First you spill yoghurt on my feet which is not so bad. Its cold and I can wipe it off but now you drop everything. Look at that red sticky gravy all over my bed. Use your own bed."

 
"I will clean it for you."

  "No you're sure to make it worse. Think!"

  "My mind is wandering all the time. I slept badly. That monster uncle is a horrible man."

  "Don't complain so much if he likes you. He has lots of money to spend. Mona told me he wants some women to take with him to make a film and maybe some children too."

  "Why did Mona tell you that Lavali? She always keeps everything to herself." We fell silent for a time.

  "She must want me to go. I hope she chooses me. If I become rich and famous I'll have no more work like this to do. People will respect me."

  How could this slimy gorilla be a film-maker, famous and respected? How? I sank down onto the bed.

  "No!" Yelled Kajal pushing me roughly away. "You'll sit on the food. Sleep now."

  They were all laughing. I had mango chutney and crumbled chapati stuck to me. I decided she was right. My head was bursting with thoughts I could not contain. Lipika was already sleeping. Now was a good time. Wide awake, my head throbbing I stretched out to sleep. At first I was besieged with vivid images but gradually the fog, that had been in my head all day, swamped even those and I subsided into an exhausted slumber.

  When I finally woke it was to the echo of rain in the shuttered room and the shallow breathing of the other women. It was soothing. I lay listening for some time. Gradually, anxiety crawled back weaving its way round everything else and making me want to scream. I decided to watch more television to keep my mind from thoughts I could not bear. It struck me that none of the films I had seen from Bollywood had been about children. They were always about the struggle of the good man versus the bad man, and the sensual woman versus the respectable woman. Perhaps this man would make something new. No, this man could not make something better to entertain us all. He was not a good man, nor a man that would do something honest for money. What should I do? The programmes passed before my eyes in a meaningless cacophony of sounds and images. I sat staring at the screen totally uninvolved. The sound finally penetrated my daze and I switched it off. I sat for a long time thinking and thinking, lost in a helpless chasm of fear.

  The day seemed to trail endlessly on. I felt the rest of my life would drum past my eyes and overwhelm me in endless scenes and babble just like the television programmes. I fed Lipika and held her. She sensed my mood. In spite of my efforts to comfort her she rebelled against my defection. She knew my mind and emotions were not with her. Supriya kindly took her from me. Dear Supriya always patient.

  I had not seen Dinesh for weeks. I began to think my marriage to him was all made up in my head. Perhaps he regretted it. Maybe he would not call again. I should never have listened to him. I decided to put him out of my mind and concentrate on getting back on good terms with Kajal. It felt so lonely without her. As the evening dragged by, one after another betel stained mouth brought their body to be served. It was easy just to be vacantly there with them. I knew most of them. The others were of the same breed. I was tired of this life. My body did what it was paid for but my mind drifted about like the dust that blew across a deserted street.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Lavali came rushing into our room her eyes bright with excitement. "Kajal, stop eating! Bring Ch'en. We are taking some of the children with us. We're going to be in the films. I can't wait to go. Come on all of you. Get the children's things and help us with ours. We've got special work to do. Maybe Mona will let one of you come to look after the children."

  I saw Supriya gape at her but neither she nor I replied. It was all such a surprise and they were going away. I did not feel any envy at all, just anxiety mixed with some relief, that Ch'en would be safe from the monster uncle's appetites, for a time, at least. Kajal responded mechanically. Whilst getting herself and Ch'en ready, which took only a few minutes, she began to explore the possibilities.

  "How long will we be gone? I don't want to go without Manasa." We waited for a reply. I didn't want to be parted from Kajal again and was glad she felt the same. We needed each other.

  Lavali shrugged. "I don't know but it will be more fun than being here. I hope it takes a very long time. Don't be envious and possessive, Manasa. This is our good fortune."

  "I wish I was going too, for I shall miss you both, but you can tell me all about it when you return. Maybe I shall go next time." I smiled my approval at them. I didn't dare say anything more. I knew Kajal must go, indeed, this might be a good opportunity for her. "Don't forget me, Kajal."

  She hugged me as though she would not let go but then became businesslike and sensible. "I'll find a way to a better life for us." She cocked her head confidently.

  "Lavali, I think I could act too and maybe sing. You could tell them that." Supriya's light cheery voice betrayed her with the faintest quiver.

  Lavali shrugged, lifted her head and straightened her back ready for a smug reply but Kajal forestalled her. "We'll have a good time and learn something new. We'll teach you both, so that we'll all be film stars and go to Bollywood together. Could you imagine Mona's face? Enough to turn her stomach sour. We'd be free and rich."

  We all laughed. Dear Kajal, she had been jolted into a more positive attitude but I wondered if she was afraid, like me, of us never seeing each other again.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  It felt very empty without Kajal and Ch'en. The sadness of their vacant places crept up slowly and threw a cloak of loneliness round me. I missed Lavali's jagged remarks and naive pride. Supriya became irascible. Nothing passed her notice and she noticed the displeasing side of everything. I also felt very tired without Kajal. I missed the help she gave me with Lipika but it was more than that, the loss was open-ended. Had I lost her? I was not sure. If I could have known for sure when she was coming back, then it would not have been so bad. I would have anticipated her return with gladness. The trouble was not knowing if she would come back at all. Why should they care about bringing her back? Back from where? I did not even know where they had taken her. If only we had left before this had happened. I put the music tapes on for our evening visitors, as Mona called them. Plaintive sitar music echoed my low spirits. I felt tears threatening to spoil the kohl round my eyes. I tilted my head back and pinched the back of my hand. I must forget Kajal for a while and get on with my work or I would not be allowed to stay for her return. If she didn't come back, then at least I would be here to find out where she had been taken.

  I decided to check my little store of money. It always gave my heart lightness to see how it had grown. It meant that Kajal and I were not totally at Mona's disposal though how we would leave and where we would go was unclear. Still Dinesh did not come. Without a family or husband who would want us? I hoped that if we had enough money somebody would find a use for us. Maybe we could find some kind of work to do. I wondered if I could use the English I had learnt, to find work. I checked no one was about and removed the strip of rough wood covering the hole in the floor by the wall, at the back of my bed. I found the little purse and shook out the contents. There was at least a third missing. I searched the space I had uncovered with my fingers. In alarm I pulled my bed away from the wall, no longer able to care about secrecy. I got down low, so that my eyes were level with the opening. I scraped and scratched at the dark hole but I could not feel anything. I was utterly bewildered. Nobody came in here but my companions and Ch'en. Ch'en! The little rascal. Yes, he must have found it and taken it. Why, though, would he put some back? I began to panic. If he had found the money where was it now? Mona must have caught him and taken it from him. She would have made him show her where it came from. He must have been his usual stubborn self, in that case, and refused to show her the rest of his treasure. All the same, if Mona did know about the money she would be carefully looking for the original thief. It could not be Ch'en who had no access to her money. If, though, she had not found Ch'en with it perhaps I might find it somewhere. Ch'en was always hiding things.

  Angry and fearful, I sat down fo
r a while. My hands were shaking and my heart felt it was about to burst through my chest. At least that would be a fitting end. So much of my life was splattered across a bed. Strange how this horrible thought made me laugh. So what could Mona do to me now? My greatest fear was for Lipika should something terrible happen to me, so I must rise above that fear or I would give myself away. I would fight for my innocence. Maybe I too could be an actress and take the part of the betrayed heroine. I would appear wide-eyed with shock and disapproval that someone, (who had now also stolen from me) could be so dishonest with our dear dependable Mona, who inspired us with devotion. She believed I was still young and simple. She didn't have the sensitivity to understand that this life had given me the bitter and jaded experience of a hopeless outcast.

  The rest of that evening disappeared in an angry blur. I spent my time preoccupied with the problem of what to do. Most of my customers seemed pleased with my distant mind and soft compliant body. One or two paid for an extra session. I should have felt pleased, yet it made me furious with them. I was just a straw doll, on which they worked their juddering, sexual clumsiness. I took as much of their money as I could wheedle from them. They were used to being overcharged. I liked to think of it as my retribution money. Now I must find a new place to hide it. Or maybe not? Perhaps Mona had not been the one to find my treasure. If I hid some of it in the same place and watched carefully I would discover who was helping themselves to my money. The rest I decided to keep in the bottom of the big trunk in Mona's sitting room when I went to watch her television. It was full of disused and faded saris, various dishes, and crumpled pictures of the gods. Nobody ever used these forgotten items. It seemed the best hiding place. Who could Mona blame for money hidden in her own room?