"Hey, preggers. What's with the bucket?" I slid onto the couch beside her. Some of her color had returned. Her white skin and light blonde hair made her look see-through on a good day. The minute she was sick she looked downright ghastly.
"I have this craving for beans with lots of cheese, but I'm afraid it's going to come back up so I'm prepared because I'm eating these beans. They are the first food that hasn't turned my stomach."
I pulled the bucket from her hand and began to spoon the beans into her mouth. The first step was always the hardest.
"I'm going to continue to see Ben on Monday nights for dinner. I enjoy his company, and he enjoys mine. He's a sweet old man. I have no idea why he was paying such exorbitant fees to Sandra, as the man can't have sex anymore anyway." I continued to feed her beans keeping her mouth occupied. "I'm seeing Paul tomorrow. I have to break the news to him that he can't eat me anymore."
She choked on her beans, so I handed her the cup of water sitting on the table. She managed to get a “What?” out before I shoved another bite of beans into her mouth.
"Oh yes, he has a thumb tack between his legs, but he's the nicest man. Because he can't perform with his tool, I've been teaching him how to give oral sex like a master. He's a quick learner. He's going to be disappointed because he was hoping to improve his confidence. Sadly, my vagina has taken an early retirement."
She pushed the spoonful of beans I had tried to put in her mouth aside. "You can't mean that. Your vagina needs attention. I've seen you after months without sex and it's not pretty." She pushed the plate out of the way, indicating she was finished. I put it on the table and picked up the bucket just in case.
"I'm not giving up sex permanently, but I'm going to be selective. Honestly, Jonathan was the best lover I've ever had. I'm not sure anyone can live up to that. I figure if I wait awhile and get him out of my system, I may forget what good felt like, and then I can settle for mediocrity. Do you think that's possible?"
Her answer was direct and honest. "No. Once you have great, there's no going back. You should call him." She sat back on the couch and placed her hands on her concave stomach. It was hard to believe she had a baby growing in there.
"I can't. He told Sandra he had moved on. The message was clear."
"Sandra is a bitch. How do you know if she was telling the truth? Does he have your phone number?" She let out a burp that I thought was something else, and I quickly pressed the bucket against her chest. She laughed as she pushed it away.
"No, we always followed the rules. I used the work phone. The only thing I used my phone for was to take a boudoir shot for my own enjoyment."
"You have to share. I have a picture of Pierce Brosnan in my head. I'll be so disappointed if he doesn't look exactly like Pierce in Dante's Peak."
I pulled my phone from my purse and scrolled through my recent pictures. Just seeing him lying in my bed was painful. I missed him so much. He’d made me feel like I counted. He had been the only adult besides Jade who actually saw me. I handed her the phone and watched her. He wasn't Pierce Brosnan, but he was the perfect mix of Gerard Butler and Jon Hamm and I loved him. How was I ever supposed to move on?
"Oh, he's hot. I can see the attraction."
"It's not his looks I'm attracted to. He’s an amazing man in every way." I traced the sunshine on my bracelet and thought of the night he gave it to me. I’d given him a keychain. He’d given me hope. Her eyes fell to the bracelet on my wrist.
“He may be amazing, but the fact he gave you up means he’s not that smart.” She shook her head and rubbed my back to comfort me.
“I’m going to bed. I have class tomorrow. Are you going?” I leaned over and gave her a hug.
"As long as I'm not puking my guts out. By the way, Todd has arranged a car for us. He wants us to ride in style." The mother of his child had to ride in style, and if he wanted to chauffeur me around, who was I to argue?
Chapter 25
In spite of sleeping in a strange place for the first time, I slept well. I wasn't sure if it was pure exhaustion or the painkiller that knocked me out. Dr. Chang didn't specify what type of pain it was designed for, so I took it anyway. I figured a heartache counted as pain, too.
I woke up to Jade placing coffee on the nightstand next to my bed. It was a sweet gesture, one I completely appreciated. She looked chipper and put together, more like her old self. The beans had done her good.
"Get up, we have school." She sat on my bed and bounced. Her movement guaranteed my obedience. Who could sleep through that kind of motion? She was like a 7.2 on the Richter scale.
"Argh," was all I could muster before I dragged myself from the bed. I headed to the bathroom to try out my camouflaging skills.
A bruise the size of Texas was a challenge to cover when you didn't have the makeup artist training to attack a project so large. I gave up attempting after three coats of concealer.
We started our day in the most normal way we could. Coffee at the student union. Decaf for Jade, fully loaded for me. It felt good to get back into our normal routine. I finished my classes and took the subway home. Jade stayed on to complete her day.
Luca called to check on me. How did I explain I was fine when I wasn't? Physically I would heal. In fact, the attack was the least of my worries. I told him I was as good as could be, and that was the truth. I would have to figure out how to extricate Jonathan in order to move forward. Just before Luca hung up, he told me Jonathan had been calling him to get updates on my recovery. I didn't know what to think—it was that type of behavior that made it impossible to let him go. I told him if Jonathan called again to tell him I was doing well and moving forward. Wasn't that what he had told Sandra? I was determined to follow his lead.
The rest of the day was spent puttering around the house and attending to the responsibilities that came with a move. I took care of address changes and made a new budget based on my current financial situation. The check I sent to the bank reduced my student loan by several thousand dollars, but it left my bank account in need of a cash infusion. Thank goodness I received a final paycheck from Concierge Services. It would have to last until I got a new job.
The duo had offered to pay me to look after Jade, but I could never take money for loving my friend. Jade refused my money for rent and for that I was grateful. I would be fine for a couple of months if I watched my money and paid the minimum balance due on my loan.
A glance at the clock told me it was time to get ready for my date with Paul, so I gathered my papers and returned to my room. This would be the last time I would see him. When considering what to wear to dinner, I rummaged through my closet. I nixed everything that Jonathan had bought. I decided to wear something from my existing wardrobe—my pre-escort wardrobe. A red dress that cinched at the side seemed appropriate for the restaurant he had chosen.
We had never met for dinner before, so this was something new. I walked into the restaurant and found him sitting by the bar. Paul looked…confident. From what looked like a soda in his hand, it seemed he no longer needed liquid courage to get through the night. I felt proud of him, and dearly hoped he would be able to continue in that direction after tonight.
His face fell when he saw me. In spite of my efforts, I couldn't hide the ugly truth that I had been hit. "Who the hell hit you?” His voice was a controlled roar. I sat beside him and ordered a martini. I would need the liquid courage to tell him I could no longer be his girl. I liked Paul and I would miss him. He hit my heart in a very special way. I understood him. We’d both had people telling us we were inadequate for most of our lives. Their lies had become our truths, and it would take some reprogramming to turn those thoughts around.
"Hello to you, too," I said. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was funny that we had been intimate with each other’s parts, but we had never kissed. Apparently, my kisses had been reserved for Jonathan as well.
"Our table is ready. Is this part of my training? Dinner?" He told the bartender to bring my drink to t
he table before he led me away.
"Yes, in a way it is." Truth be told, he did need to work on his approach. If he had a let’s just get it over with attitude, then his companion would, too. Paul needed to slow everything down.
We were seated at a quiet corner booth. I was grateful for the privacy for two reasons. First, I didn't want people staring at my face and thinking Paul had done the damage. Second, I knew we would be candid about sex and his future, and I didn't want to titillate anyone with our conversation.
"What happened to you?" He reached for my cheek, but I backed away. The skin was still very tender and it didn't matter how gentle a hand was, the pressure was simply too much.
"I was hit. It's not pretty, but it's over. As I'm sure you already know, I am no longer working for Sandra. This dinner is not on the clock. We are two friends sharing time together."
"I was a bit confused about your message. You said let’s meet for a friendly dinner, and no room." The concern showed on his face. "Are you dropping me?"
"Paul, I'm not dropping you. You were a quick learner. You graduated. You don't need me for what you have to accomplish." I could see a flash of fear in his eyes. He truly thought he needed me.
"I'm not ready to let you go. You make me feel normal." His hand reached out to take mine. It wasn't the touch of a man in love, it was the touch of a man who felt he needed to be tethered to something safe. I was his lifejacket while he waded through the deep end.
"You are normal. Look around you. What do you think the average penis size in this room is?" His head snapped back at my question. His eyes scanned the room.
"I have no idea. Should we have them drop their pants so we can inspect?” Humor. Paul was making jokes about penises, and I thought that was great. It was a huge step forward.
"I'm going to say five inches." I sipped at the martini the bartender had delivered to our table.
"Well, that's about three inches more than I've got." He tilted his head and frowned.
"You're right, but they depend on their five inches to work all the magic and honestly, no one has a wand that good. You have a secret weapon. He who has the best oral skills wins. Sure, a penis feels great, but so does a dildo or a vibrator. Nothing, and I mean nothing can substitute a man’s lips on that tiny bundle of nerves. You got that down."
His pride shone as bright as the North Star. "River, I still want to see you. I don't expect it to be in a sexual way, but maybe we can have a regular dinner date. Would that be possible? What are you going to do now?" Why was it that the only man I wanted to want me was the one who had moved on?
"I’m flattered, but given the intimacy of our relationship, it just wouldn’t work.” Ben was different, he never seemed like a client but a friend. “I was never cut out for this kind of work. I thought I could turn my brain off and let my body take over, but my damn heart and head got in the way. So, I’m going to do what I've always done. I'm going to survive. I’ll find a job and work on regaining my self-respect.”
“I could get you a job where I work.” He looked hopeful.
“I’ve taken enough risks for a while, Paul. I appreciate the offer, but working for the Chief Risk Officer sounds like more risk than I’m willing to take at this point.”
We spent the rest of the night enjoying dinner and conversation. I noticed the waitress eyeing Paul throughout the night. Being the gentleman he was, he pretended not to notice, but he had. His occasional flustered blushes were adorable.
When she brought the bill, I pulled her into the booth beside me. Her name was Melody, and she was perfect for Paul.
“Melody, I want to introduce my good friend Paul.” Melody lowered her head and blushed. The moment was too cute. “What day is your day off, Melody?”
Both Paul and Melody stared at me.
“I’m off Wednesday and Fridays,” she said softly.
“Well, isn’t that perfect? Paul wanted to see a movie on Friday night, but he didn’t want to go alone. Isn’t that right, Paul?” Like a man who had been Tasered, his eyes opened in shock but he didn’t answer immediately. It took a kick to his shin to bring him into the moment.
I twisted my head and bulged my eyes. Melody and I stared in his direction. I was breathlessly waiting for him to ask her out. She was waiting as well.
“Melody, if you’re free, I would love to take you to dinner and to a movie.” If a drink had been available, I’m pretty sure Paul would have sucked it back in one gulp. He was so nervous.
Melody squealed with delight. “Yes, I would love to go with you. Wow, I thought you two were a couple.”
I piped in, “No, Paul and I partnered together on a project that we recently completed. He’s an amazing man.” It was so nice to see him sit tall and soak in the compliment I was sure resonated truth with him.
Paul and Melody exchanged numbers and tentatively planned their first date. When I walked out of the restaurant, I felt good about everything. Paul and I agreed to stay in touch. He conquered a major hurdle in his life, and all it took was determination and a bushel of peaches.
With the weather being mild and the neighborhood one of the safest in the city, I decided to walk the six blocks home. Three blocks from my final destination I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Howard walked around the black town car and opened the door.
My eyes shot up to the address on the building. I knew Jonathan had lived nearby, but I didn’t remember the building. I was so tied up in him, I hadn’t paid attention to where we had landed when he’d taken me to his place.
Glued to my place across the street, I waited and watched to see who would exit the car. My brain told me to move on. How would I feel if a young co-ed slid from the back seat followed by Jonathan? In all honesty, I would feel devastated.
His dark hair rose above the roof of the car. His gaze turned to me, and I froze in place. Did he know I was standing there or was it the connection we had that pulled his eyes to mine? My heart felt like it had leaped into my throat. He looked beautiful, and I wanted to run across the street and throw myself in his arms, but I knew I couldn’t do it. He had moved on, and I was trying to do the same.
Just when I thought he would cross the street, a second car pulled in front of his building. He looked to me and then to the car. He was torn. I could see it on his face. When he turned toward the car, I took off. I didn’t want to see who would exit the vehicle. Why deepen the wound? I’d let the cut heal and prayed it didn’t leave a permanent scar.
Chapter 26
The next several months passed quickly. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and Valentine’s Day faded into the past. Jade was growing into her pregnancy, and the baby had begun to move. I spent most of my evenings with my hands on her belly. I was mesmerized by the whole experience. How my friend could grow a baby dumbfounded me. The woman couldn’t hem a pair of pants or boil a pot of water, but she could make a human being. I was in awe.
Her men turned out to be good guys. I’d misjudged them. We all made mistakes and I’d forgiven them for theirs, but when it came to Jade, they wouldn’t be granted clemency for any other missteps. She was all I had left, and I would take on anyone to protect what was mine.
Jade and I took the playroom, which was pretty boring compared to what I’d envisioned, and turned it into the cutest nursery known to humankind. It was easy to create the perfect baby space when we had unlimited funds.
Jade chose a neutral pallet and kept with a natural theme. She had a muralist come in and paint one wall with a realistic meadow scene. High in the sky, the sun rose above the wildflowers and butterflies painted below. Ladybugs flitted through the air.
It wasn’t until I inspected the mural closely that I saw the rays of the sun were sentences. The inscription read as follows:
The warmth in a life doesn’t come from the sun.
The light in a life isn’t from the sun’s rays.
It’s the people in your life that warm your soul,
The smiles in your life that dazzle you
r days.
The spirit shines through the darkness and gloom,
To illuminate life in so many ways.
A person should strive to be someone’s sunshine.
The sunshine my friend River displays.
I collapsed in the middle of the nursery and cried like a baby. I was overwhelmed by her gift. Her child would grow up under a sun dedicated to me. I would have to up my game so I didn’t disappoint him or her. I would do my best to spread my sunshine across the lives I came in contact with.
Jade stood in the doorway with her rounded belly peeking from under her T-shirt. She refused to buy maternity wear until absolutely necessary. I was beginning to think that moment had come sooner rather than later. I made a mental note to drag her to Bloomingdales for a shopping trip, but right now I had to get ready for my date with Ben. The man had become such a good friend, a father figure in some respects. Our date was the political fundraiser he had invited me to months ago.
* * *
We arrived at the venue at ten to seven. Ben liked to arrive slightly early. His generation had more courtesy in their pinky toe than any generation since, and he operated under a set of standards not known in this day and age.
He valued people more than money. He told me if you treated people right, everything fell into place, including money. He believed it was a courtesy to show up early and look eager for the event. People put a lot of time and effort into these types of things and others should recognize the effort by following the guidelines. A start time wasn’t a suggestion, it was a rule.
He said manners would never go out of style, and quality people would always use them. Quality didn’t mean rich in his book. A homeless man who had integrity had more value than a CEO with none. Character was more important than anything. It was the backbone of society. Riches came and went, but the essence of who you were would always remain the same.
Having not had strong male examples in my life, Ben’s influence had been important. I felt stronger from our friendship, from his wisdom. I valued the things he’d taught me.
The Dean’s List Page 23