The teal dress I borrowed from Jade flowed freely to the tips of my silver heels. I owned two formal gowns, both of which Jonathan had bought for me. Both of which I would never wear. The silver gown brought back too many special memories, and the blue gown never made its debut. Keeping it hanging in my closet was another lie I told myself. It was a maybe lie. Maybe he would call someday and ask me out. Maybe he would find himself without a date to the opera and wish he could have a distraction.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe the reality was when it came to Jonathan Ferris, I didn’t know the truth. Maybe I was never his sunshine. Maybe he was the sunshine and his light had blinded me.
Ben and I entered the convention center arm in arm. I would never understand why someone was willing to pay twenty-five hundred dollars a plate for an overdone filet and a couple of grilled asparagus spears.
I suppose it wasn’t the dinner they came for, but to support a friend or a cause. Ben worked the room like a politician running for office. At one point, I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t usurp his friend’s place on the podium and claim to be the one running for office.
I didn’t attend events. I went to school, worked at the student union coffee shop, and babysat Jade. Ben and I went out for dinner once a week if he was available, and that was all the excitement this girl had on a regular basis.
He was here. I could feel him. His gaze always heated me from the inside out. It never occurred to me that I might run into him at some kind of event.
My eyes traveled the room several times before I found him standing in the corner. Jonathan. I tried to ignore him, but my eyes continued to drift toward him. Each time they did, his were fixed on me. Uncomfortable under his gaze, I whispered to Ben that I needed the ladies’ room.
I needed space and a splash of water on my face.
Ben kissed my hand and pointed me in the direction of the restrooms. I wound through the crowd and slipped into the stylishly appointed room. The attendant stood at the ready to hand me a towel, or spritz my neck with perfume. I simply patted my face with cool water and touched up my lipstick. I pulled my shoulders back and thought about my panties. If I’d been here with him, I wouldn’t have had any on. With Ben, I was fully covered. In fact, I was squeezed together with the ugliest of coverings—Spanx.
Some would think I had fallen into a black hole when I entered the ladies room. If only I’d been so lucky. If the room could have swallowed me up, I would have gladly sacrificed myself.
“Perfume?” the attendant asked.
I shook my head, reached into my purse for a tip, and walked out the door. The scar I thought had healed had begun to fester. One look at Jonathan and my old wounds opened. My heart was breaking into pieces. I would never be over him.
I turned the corner and found him leaning against the wall. My heart stilled. His tuxedo was perfect. I wanted to reach up and trace the bow at his neck. I wanted to drop to my knees like I had at the opera and pull him into my mouth. I craved everything about the man.
“River.” His one word, my name, was such a beautiful sound as it rolled off his lips.
I tried to breathe. I tried to speak. Everything in me leaned toward him. But I stood firmly where I stopped. “Jonathan.”
“What are you doing here?” He sounded accusatory as if I had no right to be near him. I was hurt by his tone. That wasn’t how I had envisioned our first meeting after…I couldn’t really call it a breakup, but that is what my heart felt.
“I’m here with a friend.” I looked to the right of Jonathan and saw Ben glance in my direction. I’d been gone a long time. I was sure he was wondering what had happened to me.
“I thought you had exited that line of work.” His tone was flat, his body stiff.
“Ben is a friend,” I repeated.
“Is that what you’re calling them these days?” He wounded me deeply with his accusation. I wasn’t a whore. I was never a whore. I was naive. I was stupid. I was desperate, but I was never actually a whore. It was a close call for me, but in the end, I made it out whole. Not unscathed, but complete, and I would never let anyone call me a whore again.
I wanted to reach across the distance and slap his face. When I raised my hand, the light glinted off the charm he had given me months ago. Both of our eyes slid to the bauble. I never took it off. Not wanting him to see that I carried him around with me always, I tucked my hand behind my back.
“Jonathan, you can believe what you will. I will never be able to convince you otherwise. I had encounters with three men before I was punched in my face.” He winced, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I told him there were three men or because I reminded him I’d been attacked. “One of those encounters was with Ben, the man I’m here with. We never had sex. Hell, we’ve never even kissed. He likes my company. He doesn’t pay me, we’re friends. Only friends.”
I waited for a second and watched his jaw tense and twitch.
“It’s none of my business.” He pushed off the wall and stepped forward to leave.
Something came over me. I pushed him back against the wall. He wasn’t going to leave me in the hallway after he just insinuated I was a whore.
“Oh, no you don’t. You will stand here and hear me out. You don’t get the privilege of disappearing again just because things are a little uncomfortable.”
He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. “Go on. Your date is waiting.”
“Yes, he is. All you need to know is Ben is a nice old man who thinks I’m pretty and he likes to take me to dinner. He helps me with my homework and he gives me advice on various things.”
Jonathan shifted uncomfortably between his feet. He may not want to hear what I had to say, but I needed to say it.
“My second encounter was with a nice guy who I also didn’t have sex with, not intercourse anyway. He was the size of a tootsie roll and he wanted to learn oral skills. I fed him a bushel of peaches and let him make me come once with his tongue.”
I glanced at Ben and held up one finger indicating I would be with him in a minute.
“You, on the other hand, were my only actual sexual experience, and the only man that ever made me feel like a whore. I spread my legs for you whenever I could. I loved what we had together, and if that made me a whore, then I was a whore, but only in your eyes, because when I was with you I felt like a cherished woman. Until you left me. Then I felt like a slut.”
I swiped at the lone tear that ran down my cheek.
“The night I got my brain rearranged was a different matter. You had never asked me for an exclusive arrangement. You made it clear you never would, so I decided I would be exclusive to you. I would dine with Ben, get rid of the rest. The abuser was a loose end. He tried to rape me, but in my heart, I belonged to you. So, there you have it. The truth.”
“River, I’ve never thought—”
“Save it, Jonathan. Sandra told me you moved on, but I already knew it because you had walked out on me that morning without so much as a note or a phone call. I realize you’re over it. I’m working on it, but for whatever reason, I can’t stop loving you.”
I turned right and headed to Ben’s side. When I looked over my shoulder, Jonathan was looking at me. I swear he was looking into my soul. Was that sorrow and regret I saw on his face?
As fate would have it, we were seated at adjacent tables. Every time I glanced in his direction his eyes were pinned on me. He studied me throughout our meal.
“Is that your man?” Ben asked quietly. I knew whom he meant. Was it obvious to everyone we had a connection?
“You’re my man, Ben. How could you think I would cheat on you?” I teased.
“Oh, I don’t know, the man doesn’t take his eyes off you. He’s the one you told me about, right? The one you had the connection with?” With Ben, I was always truthful and forthright. He gave me courage, so I answered him honestly.
“Yes, he was the one.”
“I don’t think
he’s done with you, and you’re certainly not done with him.”
“Ben, I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with him.”
“Is he a good man, River?” He was ignoring everyone at the table and devoting his attention to me. That was Ben.
“Yes, I believe he is. I just don’t know if he’s a good man for me.”
“What’s his name and who’s he with?” I wasn’t sure of his reasoning for asking the questions, but I knew if Ben wanted to know something, he would find out anyway.
“His name is Jonathan Ferris and he owns Integrity Financial Services.”
A broad grin showed off Ben’s forty-thousand-dollar smile. “He’s a good man, River. His company has been taking care of my portfolio for the last decade.”
I’d be damned if that didn’t make me happy. It was nice to know I’d been right about something. Jonathan was a good man or at least he was a good businessman. Ben would never do business with anyone who didn’t adhere to his code of ethics. Pride swelled in my chest for Jonathan.
My eyes sought him throughout the evening. He was alone. Never once did a woman approach him or sit with him. He chatted animatedly among the people at his table, but each time I took a peek in his direction, he caught me staring. Each time he was staring back at me.
Dinner was over, and it was time to mingle once again. Ben lifted my arm to help me stand. My feet hurt, but I could make it another hour or so. My shift started later tomorrow. Saturdays began at eight, which was a blessing. I’d have time to recover.
I followed Ben around like a loyal puppy. He introduced me as his project. It never offended me, as it was an honor to be considered worth his time. We walked from group to group to say our farewells. Before I could react, I was standing in front of Jonathan. That sly old devil had worked his way around the space and left this group for last.
“Jonathan Ferris, correct?” He held out his hand and Jonathan took it. “I’m Ben Daniels, and I think you are familiar with the lovely River Roberts.”
Jonathan nodded his head. “River.”
“River and I were recently discussing portfolios, and I told her that your company handled mine, but I had never met you and here you are. What a small world we live in.”
“I hope you’re happy with the services we have offered. If you ever need anything please let me know.” Jonathan pulled a card from his pocket and placed it in Ben’s hand.
“Actually, there is something I need. I’ve been asked to step out for scotch and cigars. It would be rude of me to expect River to wait idly by. If you were leaving soon, would you escort her home? I wouldn’t normally ask, but I understand you two have a close relationship, and I would feel comfortable if someone she knew saw to her safety.”
Jonathan looked surprised but delighted. I imagined I looked apoplectic. Earlier I had told Jonathan off and confessed to loving him in the same sentence. Looking at Ben I silently begged him to rescind his request, but he looked at me with a wicked smile.
“I’d be happy to see her home. It’s been a while since we have seen one another, and I would love to catch up. Thank you, Mr. Daniels.”
Ben turned to me and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I was still speechless. Shocked. He leaned in and whispered in my ear. “River, find out if he’s your man. Time is short and life is fleeting. Waste no more minutes.” He patted Jonathan on the back and walked away.
I stood in disbelief, not sure what to do. My jaw hung open from its hinge. Jonathan’s index finger slipped under my chin and closed my mouth. He leaned into me and whispered, “That mouth does things to my body, River. Unless you plan to use it in a constructive way, I suggest you close it. I’ve got a lot to say to you. Let’s go.”
Stunned, I snapped my mouth closed and followed him out the door to where Howard was already waiting.
We entered the car and sat next to each other in silence. He picked up the phone and rattled off directions to Howard. I didn’t pay attention, so I had no idea of his plan. My heart was pounding and the rhythm was pulsing between my legs. What was it about this man that made my heart and body sing? He had wounded me deeply, and yet I sat here wanting him more than ever.
Sex. Is that what it boiled down to with us? I had to believe there was more to our connection.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“For a ride. Where we end up depends on the ride.”
We both began to talk at once. My “why” came out at the same time as his “I”. It was a muddled mess. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and silenced myself. He did tell me he had some things to say.
“I’ve missed you so much.” His voice sounded desperate. He was parched land and I was water.
“I left you in bed that morning. I had considered leaving you a note, but what could I say? I’m so sorry, River. I had no right to claim a part of you when I wasn’t willing to claim all of you. Your body belongs to you and I will never demand something you are unwilling to give freely.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was. I did to you what I did to Claire. I made her promise me a child, and she did everything in her power to give it to me. She lost her life because she was so focused on giving me what I wanted, she didn’t realize what was happening to her. By the time she did, it was too late. I made you promise me a part of you and look at what happened to you. I could have lost you as well.”
“Mine and Claire’s situations were totally different. She was your wife. I was your…well, we both know what I am to you.”
“Do we? Do you know what you are to me? I don’t think you do.”
“I was your Wednesday and Saturday girl.” I had spent the entire time I’d known him creating a relationship where none existed. In what world would he and I have worked? Yes, Julia Roberts got her man, but Hollywood was the only place it happened. This was New York and the streets weren’t paved in gold. They were paved in the bones of those trampled so others could rise.
“You are more than that. Do you know how long it took me to fall in love with Claire?” He twisted in his seat so I could see his face. The glow of the city lights gave off enough illumination so I could clearly see his expression. He looked earnest.
“I don’t have a clue.” Why it mattered, I couldn’t guess.
“Months. It took months. I didn’t recognize the feeling of love. I’d never actually experienced it. I felt passion, I felt excitement, but I’d never felt love. Love hits you in your soul. It’s attached to you like DNA. It’s not something you decide on, it’s something that happens to you, but I was unfamiliar with it so I didn’t recognize it.”
“That’s a beautiful sentiment. Claire was a very lucky woman, and even though she died young she had a man who loved her completely.” The words rolled easily off my tongue but painfully squeezed my heart.
How was I supposed to find a man to love me? Who in their right mind would embrace a woman with my past?
He reached for my hands and held them tight. “How long do you think it took me to fall in love with you?”
Chapter 27
Silence filled the car. Did he just say in a roundabout way he loved me?
“Why did you tell Sandra you had moved on?” I might as well have slapped him with the way his head snapped back.
“I never told her I moved on from you. I called and quit the service. I’d moved on from it. I’d been a member for three years, and I’d used it three times. Two times prior to you. One girl, I took to an art event. The other I took to a hotel room. I’m not proud of my actions, but until you, there was no one.”
I had a very different vision of his use of Concierge Services. “I walked in the day you left, and I quit. She tried to force me to stay, but there was no way she could have enforced my contract. She made it sound like you had already selected a new girl. I was heartbroken that I could be replaced so easily since you had made me feel so special.”
“You are special. I kept calling Luca and he told me you needed time to heal and you were mov
ing forward. I assumed that meant without me. I didn’t deserve you, and when I saw you across the street from my house my hope was buoyed. I thought maybe you had come to see me.”
“I was walking home. My new home is not far from yours. Jade invited me to live with her. I saw you exit the car, just before the other car pulled up. I couldn’t handle seeing another woman fall into your arms. I ran like a coward to protect my heart.”
“That explains why you were never home. River, there was no other woman. It was Grace delivering a piece of art to my flat. It was the piece you loved at the opera. I had purchased it for you.”
I wasn’t sure what I felt more. Elation he loved me? Desperation and hope he still wanted me? Agony we’d wasted so much time because of the lies of one woman?
“Oh, God. All these months, and we thought the other had given up. Jonathan, I don’t deserve you. I compromised my values and myself. You paid for my time when I would have given it to you freely. I wanted to give you my everything.”
“No, you didn’t compromise yourself, and I should have paid more. At least more attention to what was happening. You are worth so much more. I need you, River, and I believe we need each other.”
I climbed into his lap and pressed my lips to his. Howard drove around the city for hours while we kissed like teenagers. We would need to drive thousands of miles before I got my fill of Jonathan.
It was near two o’clock when Jonathan walked me to my door and kissed me goodbye. It would have been so easy to invite him into my bed and my body, but I wanted this to be different. He asked me to dinner the following night and I accepted. I was on cloud nine. How could I not be? I pulled a pen from my purse and wrote my number on his palm. I should have given him my private number months ago, but that hadn’t been part of our agreement. The rules had completely changed. This time we weren’t working from Sandra’s guidelines. We were working from our own.
He loved me. Jonathan Ferris, the man of my dreams, loved me.
The Dean’s List Page 24