Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties

by Lynda Renham

  ‘You look very lovely tonight,’ she compliments me. ‘Far better without those

  feed half of Africa breasts.’

  ‘Yes, I donated them to Comic Relief.’

  She laughs and wanders towards a group of guests as the music changes to a more upbeat tune.

  ‘You’re bearing up well,’ says Alistair, sidling up to me.

  ‘Hello Alistair,’ I say checking his flies.

  ‘These are g-g-good trousers,’ he smiles.

  ‘Excellent,’ I say, trying to pull the corset away from my navel.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

  ‘Oh yes, fab, after all this is my engagement party isn’t it?’ I clench my teeth to make a false smile.

  ‘Everyone seems to be having a good time. I’m surprised you haven’t c-c-c-c- …’

  ‘Cocked it up?’ I offer.

  He shakes his head.

  ‘No, I’m surprised you haven’t c-c-cracked up under the pressure.’

  So am I.

  ‘Are you taking something?’ he asks curiously.

  ‘Coke,’ I reply.

  His eyes widen.

  ‘The drink not the drug but with a touch of vodka, but don’t tell Hamilton.’

  We glance at the said Hamilton who is chatting animatedly with Julian, and then our eyes scroll to Fiona and Sebastian who are talking intently.

  ‘Is there something wrong with that Major chap?’ he asks.

  I look at Major Bates as he convulses around the dance floor like someone having an epileptic fit.

  ‘He c-c-c-can’t keep still,’ says Alistair.

  ‘Someone mentioned he had restless legs syndrome,’ I say, transfixed by the Major’s dancing.

  ‘Do you think Sebastian is f-f-f-f- …’

  ‘What?’ I say turning my attention to Fiona and Sebastian.

  ‘Do you think he is f-f-f-f- …’

  Oh God, how do I know?

  ‘I don’t know. Is that what you’re thinking?’

  He looks at me.

  ‘What do you think I’m thinking?’

  Is Fiona fucking Sebastian is what I think he’s thinking but of course he could be thinking something entirely different. Stammers are buggers aren’t they?

  ‘I’m not sure,’ I say struggling to breathe.

  ‘Do you find him f-f-f- …’

  Fuckable? Most certainly not.

  ‘Not in the least,’ I say.

  ‘Really, you wouldn’t f-f-f-find …’

  Good God no.

  ‘Christ, of course not.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s funny either,’ he mutters.

  Oh funny, of course. Why didn’t I think of that? The music changes and Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl blasts out, and before I know it I am being whisked around the floor by Brice Edmunds.

  ‘Enjoying your engagement party?’ he asks twirling me, obviously forgetting my bad foot. I wince.

  ‘I was until this torturous dance began,’ I reply.

  ‘Sorry,’ he smiles and lifts me off the ground.

  The room spins with me as my vodka and coke takes effect.

  ‘You look very lovely in this dress,’ he says into my ear.

  ‘You look rather good yourself,’ I say feeling the drink loosen my tongue. My hands slide around his neck and his cheek brushes mine.

  ‘Are you ready for tonight?’ he asks softly.

  ‘I think so,’ I say, knowing full well I am nowhere near ready.

  I see Hamilton striding towards us and the music changes as he reaches me.

  ‘Here we go,’ whispers Brice, releasing me.

  Hamilton grabs me roughly and drags me to the middle of the floor. He pulls me tightly to him and I feel the breath squeezed out of me.

  ‘What the hell do you and your thieving little boyfriend think you’re up to?’ he grunts angrily as he whips me around the dance floor. Faces spin past me and I begin to feel dizzy.

  ‘I asked Julian not to come,’ I gasp.

  ‘He’s asking for twenty thousand pounds. Where do you think I’m going to get that kind of money from?’

  He squeezes me roughly and I feel the corset pinch me.

  ‘Hamilton, you’re hurting me,’ I protest.

  ‘Smile and look happy. In just a few weeks the old girl won’t know what’s going on. Tell your thieving boyfriend to back off, do you hear me.’

  ‘Hamilton,’ I say breathlessly, ‘I just want the other half of the money as we agreed. I came here and I pretended to be your girlfriend. I did more, in fact. I just want the remaining fifteen thousand you promised, nothing else.’

  He drags me towards his grandmother and we stop with a skid in front of her. My foot is throbbing and my face flushed.

  ‘Good Lord boy, I’ve heard of sweeping a woman off her feet, but this is ridiculous.’

  ‘Harriet loves to dance don’t you Harriet?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ I say breathlessly. ‘Being dragged around a dance floor is my ultimate pleasure.’

  She looks at me suspiciously and then back to Hamilton.

  ‘Grandma, Harriet and I were wondering if you would give us an early wedding present. With you being sick and everything, we want to be sure you see how we use it. We’ve seen a nice house and we want to get something for it to remind us of you,’ he lies. ‘We’d be so happy. Harriet wants to name the house Margarita, don’t you darling?’

  As if. I barely know the woman, so why would I want to name my semi after her. God, he is such a wally, but I nod all the same.

  ‘We were thinking fifteen thousand,’ he says boldly.

  I fight back my gasp. My God, he doesn’t have the money to give me. All this time he has been leading me on when he’s as broke as I am. I feel my heart sink. All this hassle and I’m not even going to get myself out of debt. I feel tears smart my eyes. Margarita looks at me closely and I try to meet her eyes but I can’t.

  ‘That sounds marvellous Hamilton. Let’s get the ring ceremony over shall we, and I shall announce my plans.’

  ‘Thank you Grandma,’ he says kissing her.

  It’s all I can do not to slap him across the face. I force a smile for Margarita and excuse myself saying my foot is painful. I need air. How could he have deceived me like that? I push past the guests and make my way to the kitchen where Emily, Cedric and Cook are bustling about frantically preparing food.

  ‘Miss Harriet, can we help?’ asks Cedric, seeing my crumpled face. I rush through the kitchen and out the back door, only stopping when I reach the bench in the rose garden. I flop onto it and sigh loudly.

  ‘Bastard, bastard,’ I mumble.

  This must be some kind of divine punishment. What for I do not know. Maybe I’m being punished because I stole a ring from Woolworths when I was five. It all seems a bit extreme, especially considering I took it back after my mum found out and threatened to call the police. Or perhaps it is because I bought all those things in Oxfam. Perhaps God thinks I’m supporting starving children and benefiting from their misfortune. Well I am in a way. Not supporting them starving, obviously not, I mean that goes without saying. I’m feeding them in a roundabout way, so why punish me for that? Blimey, this is a bizarre evening. I’d phone the Samaritans for advice except I don’t have any signal. I pull the corset from my navel and take a long shuddering breath. Maybe it is time to tell the truth. Instead of waiting for the shit to hit the fan maybe I’ll just throw the shit straight at it, get it over and done with. I begin to walk back to the house when I see Brice and my mouth goes dry. Before I know what’s happening I’ve fallen back onto the bench and he is beside me, his arms wrapped around me and I am snuggled against his chest, a mixture of emotions flooding through my body. I push weakly against him but it is useless and his lips are firm and demanding of mine. I respond passionately, feeling if I am to be punished it might as well be for something worthwhile.

  ‘Harriet, what are you doing to me? I have no control when with you,’ he growls into my ear.

  The
throbbing in my loins is unbearable now and I feel he could have me right here on the bench and I really wouldn’t care. My breasts are throbbing and begging for release. My head is spinning and there is a loud buzzing in my ears. Suddenly Brice is torn away from me and the only face I can see is Julian’s angry one.

  ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my girlfriend? How dare you force yourself on her,’ he yells. ‘You ponces think everything is yours for the bloody taking don’t you?’

  ‘Julian, he wasn’t …’ I begin.

  Julian glares at me.

  ‘Shut up Harriet. Just because I agreed to the Hamilton thing doesn’t mean I don’t care about other men manhandling you.’

  ‘Julian …’

  ‘Just stay out of the way,’ he barks, pushing me roughly onto the bench.

  ‘That’s enough,’ says Brice menacingly. His eyes are dark and hard and I shudder. ‘Don’t touch her.’

  ‘Who do you think you are telling me I can’t touch my own girlfriend?’ asks Julian with a sneer.

  Brice shakes his head.

  ‘You have no idea how to treat women. You’ve treated Harriet abominably. You ran off and left her with all your debts and you call yourself a man.’

  I nod, that’s a good point actually.

  ‘He is right,’ I say.

  Julian glares at me.

  ‘Whose bloody side are you on?’

  Brice’s actually, but I think it best if I don’t voice that. I have to say I feel terribly flattered at having men fight over me. A shame there has to be blood and everything though.

  ‘A real man doesn’t desert a woman,’ Brice says provocatively with a gleam in his eye.

  Julian’s face turns red with anger and he whips off his jacket in one fast furious movement.

  ‘Right,’ he says determinedly, and drapes it over my arm like I’m a coat hanger. ‘I’m not having him talk about you like that.’

  Like what? Did I miss something? Oh Christ, don’t tell me he’s fighting for me now. I look down at the jacket and sigh. What is it with men and this macho thing off pulling off their jackets?

  ‘You stuck up pompous bastard,’ he yells, lashing out with his fist. I close my eyes and wince in anticipation.

  ‘What’s happening?’ calls Fiona. I open my eyes to see her running towards us in her silk red dress, Sebastian close behind her. Brice has caught the flying fist and with his other hand aims a punch to Julian’s stomach sending him staggering back.

  ‘Oh God,’ I squeal.

  ‘Why is Brice beating the shit out of Julian?’ cries Caron, rushing out with Mum.

  Julian slowly scrambles up from the ground and looks around. There’s a big audience now.

  ‘Brice, please don’t,’ I beg.

  ‘Don’t what? Don’t stand up for you?’ he demands breathlessly, perspiration running from his forehead. Perhaps I should take his jacket too.

  Well, when he puts it like that obviously I want him to stand up for me. I just wish he didn’t have to beat Julian to a pulp in the process.

  ‘No, I didn’t mean that, I meant,’ I say flustered.

  ‘Meant what?’ he asks looking at me. Julian, seeing his opportunity throws a fist at Brice’s chin. I scream and Fiona covers her eyes.

  ‘Oh God,’ groans Caron.

  ‘Never thought I’d see a bleeding toff fighting,’ says Gary excitedly. ‘This is great.’

  Brice tumbles back onto his haunches and Julian lashes out with his foot.

  ‘Dirty f-f-f-f-f- …’

  ‘Yes, dirty fucker,’ shouts Caron.

  Oh God, I could die with embarrassment.

  ‘Dirty fighter,’ finishes Alistair.

  Brice grabs Julian’s foot and twists it, before pulling Julian up by his collar and shoving him into the rose bushes.

  ‘Yes!’ shouts Fiona.

  ‘Fiona for God’s sake,’ I snap.

  ‘Sorry, aren’t we on Brice’s side?’

  ‘Yes of course but …’

  Oh God, this is just awful. The sound of a lone piper playing in the ballroom makes the whole thing seem surreal. It feels like that moment the Titanic went down, only this time I feel sure the person going under is me. Julian dives headfirst for Brice and I cover my face with my hands.

  ‘What the bleeding hell is going on?’ asks Mum as she hurries towards me.

  ‘Brice is standing up for me,’ I say.

  Although now he isn’t as such because Julian has sent him sprawling into the rose bushes and they are both scrambling around amongst the shrubs. Julian’s lip is swelling up and his eyebrow looks cut.

  ‘Dad, can’t you do something?’ I beg.

  ‘Stop two men fighting? I don’t think so dear.’

  Julian crashes out of the rose bushes and lands at our feet. Brice strolls out and stands over him.

  ‘Kill him, kill him,’ shouts Mum.

  ‘For God’s sake Mum, it’s not a bleeding boxing match.’

  Brice’s lip is also bleeding and I don’t know who to run to first.

  ‘What in buggeration is going on here?’

  We all turn at Margarita’s strong firm voice.

  ‘Hello old girl. I was teaching this young man here the right way to treat a woman,’ says Brice casually, offering Julian his hand. Julian grasps it roughly while aiming his foot at Brice’s groin. I flinch and Fiona squeals.

  ‘Oh dirty play,’ yells Gary.

  ‘Quite,’ agrees Alistair as Brice goes sprawling, clutching his groin. Julian grins proudly at me. We all watch with our breath held as Brice recovers and sends a punch to Julian’s stomach.

  ‘Good God Brice, stop this at once. We have guests. If I had wanted entertainment I would have paid for it. Just what woman are you standing up for?’

  ‘Me,’ I say stepping forward timidly.

  ‘Well aren’t you the popular one.’

  Hamilton stands behind her giving me daggers.

  ‘I really think we all should go inside. It is time for the engagement ring ceremony and I have an announcement to make.’

  She turns on her heel with all the spirit of a fifty year old.

  ‘If your grandmother is dying then I’m a monkey’s uncle,’ I say to Hamilton.

  ‘What?’ he asks looking puzzled.

  ‘You heard me,’ I say, walking towards Julian who is slumped on the ground.

  ‘Harriet,’ he says looking at me longingly. ‘I did it for you. I love you.’

  ‘You’re lucky he didn’t beat you to a pulp,’ I say. ‘God knows you deserved it.’

  I ignore his outstretched hand and walk to the house feeling Brice’s eyes boring into my back. Phoebe stops me in the doorway.

  ‘You don’t really think that was about you do you? That’s just men’s pride. Really Harriet, if you think Brice would ever take a woman like you seriously you must be mad. He’s way out of your league. You’re just a novelty.’

  I turn away from her and walk into the house. As much as I don’t want to believe what she says I can’t help feeling she may be right. If only I could just run away but I really think I should hear Margarita’s announcement. I have a terrible feeling Hamilton is not going to like what she has to say.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  I stare mesmerised at the sparkling engagement ring as Hamilton pushes it over my finger to loud applause and whistles. This is surreal. I’m engaged to one of the richest men in England but it turns out he has no money at all. I am destined to attract men with bad financial sense, not that I attracted Hamilton but you know what I mean. Phoebe looks enviously at the ring and then angrily at me as Hamilton leans towards me and kisses me full on the lips. I’m overwhelmed for a moment, although this is more because of Hamilton’s halitosis than his kissing expertise. Phoebe is welcome to this if she can stand it. God, his breath is enough to knock you dead. Perhaps he should just breathe over Margarita, she will drop dead, Hamilton will get his inheritance and we can all go home.

  ‘Well,’ says Ma
rgarita with some kind of finality.

  She gestures to Cedric to pour the champagne.

  ‘I would like to propose a toast to the happy couple,’ she says, raising her glass. Hamilton takes my hand and raises his glass to me.

  ‘Well done,’ he says gleefully.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you had no money?’ I hiss angrily.

  ‘I do but it’s all tied up, that’s all. I’ll get it. After tonight you’ll never have to see me again. I’ll tell Grandma you’ve gone to New York to wrap up the business, she’ll believe that. The next big event will be her funeral no doubt.’

  ‘You’re such a bastard,’ I say disdainfully.

  ‘Yes. And you’ve not done too badly out of it either.’

  ‘To Hamilton and Harriet,’ says Margarita loudly.

  ‘To Hamilton and Harriet,’ everyone repeats.

  ‘And to a long marriage,’ she says, eyeing us both. ‘I have to say Hamilton you have surprised me, and surpassed my expectations.’

  ‘Thank you Grandma,’ Hamilton smiles, looking pleased with himself.

  ‘I never thought you would go through with it,’ she adds, settling herself into the wheelchair.

  Hamilton looks confused, and I knock back my champagne. I have a bad feeling about this and I quickly grab another glass.

  ‘I knew you would go to extremes to get the shares but I never thought you would go so far as to marry someone you barely knew. I’m quite amazed you would go to such lengths to get your own way. Your deceit is almost admirable in its planning. Such scheming Hamilton, you have quite surpassed yourself.’

  Melanie gasps and falls into a chair. Sebastian turns white and Hamilton looks as if he will collapse at any moment. Julian glares at me like this is all my fault. Honestly, I’m the innocent victim here. I look at the engagement ring. Well, I might as well get a little pleasure from it. I imagine they will whip it off me before long.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ gasps Gary.

  ‘Grandma … I can …’ Hamilton begins but she quickly dismisses him.

  ‘The Lancaster business has been in the family for generations,’ she begins. ‘Its success has been due to the way the business has been run, with honesty and integrity. I had hoped, with my little test, that you would have taken one last opportunity to prove yourself, but you have only shown yourself to be purely mercenary. I have decided to make Brice the majority shareholder. And don’t get into a state thinking you’re going to lose everything. I’ll keep my word. I have some integrity even if you don’t. You’ll get a substantial share of the business too.’